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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Oxford] May 12, 1989, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Page Two THE OXFORD HELL-NO (HM WED) Perspective Friday, May 12, 1989 Jam and Julie ’5 QAf‘lDrld—lé have. Letters to the editors Thanks Augsburg! Dear Hell No; I am proud to announce thatI saved nearly $1500 this year with Augsburg’s first year trial of the Deficient Funds Board Plan. The college...
Show morePage Two THE OXFORD HELL-NO (HM WED) Perspective Friday, May 12, 1989 Jam and Julie ’5 QAf‘lDrld—lé have. Letters to the editors Thanks Augsburg! Dear Hell No; I am proud to announce thatI saved nearly $1500 this year with Augsburg’s first year trial of the Deficient Funds Board Plan. The college only gave this plan to three of us students this year as an experiment in housing for very low income students. I, along with my friends Donald and Mark, have lived this school year in the campus laundry rooms. It has been quite comfortable, contrary to what one might believe. It comes equipped with a table, three chairs, a bathroom, and for cer- tain times of the year an assort— ment of broken and blown-up doors. The price for living there was $30. This covered the cost of a sleeping bag, which, inci- dentally, was rarely needed on weekends because of the con- stant running of the dryers. Living in a laundry room does have its good points and bad points. I believe the best part of this year's stay was the great increase in my wardrobe. Over this 1988-89 academic school yearlacquired l7pairs of button down shirts, seven pairs of Levi dress denim jeans, eight pairs of Fruit of the Loom underwear, a purple pair of socks, (which I use to express my joy over the comeback of Donny Osmond) and 42 various unmatched socks that people left in the laundry room for no apparent reason. The laundry room was not en- tirely faultless this year. When the drains happened to back up, it smelled something not unlike that of the Pigs Eye Sewage Treatment Plant. And when the new washers and dryers were installed, Iawoke from my sleep with an inch and a half of dust covering my body. Other than these things, life went fairly well. I would like to recommend the Deficient Funds Board Plan to any students who, like me, would like to live on campus but are too damn lazy to get a real job. Wishy-washingly yours, Raymond P. Sudds Choked up Dear Hell No, As the year comes to a close I would just like to tell my story of my years at good ol’ Auggie Tech. I started off, like most college students, as a freshman. Then I was a sophomore. Next I became a junior, and this year I was a senior. Boy, college has been fun. I’m all choked up inside. Thanks for printing this Hell No, since I know others have had the same kind of experience I have describ- ed. Sincerely, Ted Decker P.S. I’d like to thank Chuck Anderson for bailing me out of jail last year. He really is the students’ friend. Quotable quotes Following are some real (really!) quotes made by the illustrious members of the Oxford community over the past year: Trygve Nystuen, former student body president: “We have a move— ment on the floor; do we have a second?” Joseph Cook, Echo features editor: “Everyone has ears.” Steve Aggergaard, senior: “That’s what you get when you open the can of beans: you let the farts out.” Nick Arge, astronomy professor: “If you didn’t know any better, you wouldn't know any better," and “Since it’s a black and white photograph, it’s not too clear that it’s red.” Eric Peterson, sophomore: “Oh, that was good for me." Norma Noonan, political science professor: “It was so cold in my of- ﬁce this morning. Thank goodness I had an extra pair of pantyhose.” Sonia, Marriott cashier: “What your number is?” David Lapakko, communication professor, upon realizing his ﬂy was unzipped: “You couldn’t see anything anyway." Michael Batman, senior Echo columnist: “Besides, I’ve known her for four years and I’ve done a lot worse things to her." Brenda Quade, Echo arts and entertainment editor: “Barefoot and pregnant, it makes my ovaries crawl." Norma Noonan, again: “I’m hosting a big mini-conference this n year Nick Arge, again: “If I say Venus, I mean Mars.” Bronwen Stine, junior: “If Bush wins, l’m having my tubes tied.” President Charles Anderson, to a senior student: “Hello. Where are you from? Are you a freshman?” John Mitchell, English professor: “Life is tragic. From the moment you’re born you are that much closer to your death.” A‘l first, we said, “Hell/no!" W aPlcr ﬁnisulhn? Our it: 011 Wed, we did 7‘0 / . Our Cursors £5sz (/5 7L0 pn'm‘ 77/5 01:56! 4}er f .' WWW/V6 3 kaolin 277d5 Wsz/ée hWﬂLeMs 7‘0 U!" 56’XMMI'H/l Thu/ij W WmWst’.’ A onA A THE OXFORD HELL-NO Little-known facts about the Hell-no staff: JEFFREY E. SULZBACH JULIE A. EDSTROM KRISTEN HIRSCH BRENDA QUADE JOSEPH COOK AMY KILDAL GARRET WILLIAMS BRIAN SWEDEEN MICHAEL CROWLEY STEVE AGGERGAARD AMY JOHNSON TODD STEENSON GEOFF GAGE MICHAEL BATMAN BOYD KOEHLER THE OXFORD HELL-NO. Published when the editors can work it in to their academic and social schedules. Opinions expressed are those all reasonable people should have, and are therefore not necessarily those at the administration, faculty or the rest of the students. This Iampoon issue of the Augsburg Echo was published at Tandem Press in Richfield, Minn. by the students of Augsburg College, 731 Ztst Avenue South, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55454. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Disguised as mild-mannered newspaper reponer. Knows all the words to “Fifty Nifty United States." Blues guitarist on the weekends. Trying to kick compulsive sweepstakes entry habit. Starred in Jello commercial at age 6. Headlining this weekend at Commedy Gallery. Ardent student of Elizabethan poetry. Secretly admires Dan Quayle. Living under an assumed name through the Witness Protection Program. Dances weekends at the Skyway Lounge. Owns complete video library of old "Gilligan's Island" episodes. Related by marriage to David Lee Roth. Can straddle stairway railing outside Science Hall. Dreams of opening a nice restaurant someday.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Oxford] May 12, 1989, Page 03
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Friday, May 12, 1989 THE OXFORD HELL-NO Page Three Cocayne seizes control of senate after coup By E. STIle DAYE In a violent ASAC-sponsored coup, Brian “Yes That's Really My Last Name” Cocayne became the new head of the Augsburg stu- dent senate. Reaction from the Augsburg community has been...
Show moreFriday, May 12, 1989 THE OXFORD HELL-NO Page Three Cocayne seizes control of senate after coup By E. STIle DAYE In a violent ASAC-sponsored coup, Brian “Yes That's Really My Last Name” Cocayne became the new head of the Augsburg stu- dent senate. Reaction from the Augsburg community has been grief and shock. Michelle Mybelle, a senior triple major in Jordanesque poetry, bookstore pilfering and chemistry for parties, said, “It’s the kind of thing you see happening at Macalester or Carleton but not here at Augsburg. It’s been hard to get back to my studies.” Tears started welling up in her eyes. “I haven’t opened a beer for days.” Former senator Corey Davison said, “It most deﬁnitely was a huge surprise for all of us . . . Cocayne really stuck it to us. He’s one fella who doesn’t mind taking control of a group of people.” The coup, which ASAC had planned to start at 7:30 pm, ac- tually didn’t get underway until well past 9 pm. It all started when Cocayne, disguised as Julie Edstrom, pulled out a bag ﬁlled with food from the previous Sun- day’s brunch and threatened to detonate it if all power was not immediately given to him. Newly elected student senate heads Jody Anderson and Greg Paulson were helpless. “What could we do?” asked Paulson. “If he’s crazy enough to save Sunday brunch in a bag then he’s certainly crazy enough to follow through on his threats.” Anderson, who suffered ﬁrst— degree bums from standing too close to the bag, was barely able to contain her grief as she mumbled, “Okay Brian, you win again, there’s no way that we can argue with someone as in control as you constantly are.” Cocayne’s people, each armed with “Days in May” cups ﬁlled to the rim with Sunday brunch left- overs, surrounded the entire stu- dent senate and forced each member to say, “Through Co- cayne to freedom.” Cocayne, who in recent weeks has taken control of every other student group at Augsburg, claims that he is the only person actually qualiﬁed to run anything on cam— Cheerleaders wrap up By BUNNY BOOP The Augsburg cheerleaders are proud to announce they have completed their ﬁrst season of cheering for Auggies. They have achieved many of the goals they set for themselves this year. “Yeah, like I think that we even won a couple games this year,” said Brynn Mundahl, head cheerleader. “I'm sure they couldn’t have done it without us." Stasia Peine, the other head cheerleader, said that all the cheerleaders did a great job. “It was really great how they made the sacriﬁces for the squad, like tanning so we didn't have to wear pantyhose. It’s so much easier to cheer without that nylon on your skin. We were a little bit colder, but that natural color was worth it." Mundahl added that because their new skirts are so short, it is really hard to ﬁnd nylons where the legs go all the way up without lines showing. “And we really want to thank the senate for get- ting us all the money for the uniforms. However, we’re asking for enough money to get three more sweaters each so we don’t have to wear the same one twice next year,” she said. Even though Mundahl and Peine are graduating, both said they wanted to help out the girls next year. Amy Strohbusch wanted to thank Mundahl and Peine for their efforts in starting the group. “It’s really cool because we can all wear matching clothes and everyone will respect us as a group,” she said. “I really think it’ll be cool if we get those other sweaters, too.” Peine said the student body was really great for buying the ﬂowers they sold at homecoming and for visiting their Days in May booth last year. “We earned enongh money to have a really great party at a hotel this spring,” she said. player near Psi House. Name: Kirsten Johnson Date last seen: Nov. 18, 1988 Reported seen with tall, dark basketball V N 4" -I.'.~.I"O“~d~ e.'.'.'.'- I Q ' .s Please contact Augsburg Student Activities Council with any information. Paulson and Anderson are now mere puppets under Cocayne’s control. pus. “I ﬁrmly believe that without my leadership this college would go to pot,” said Cocayne. He stated that he plans to increase tui- tion considerably in order to keep bringing such talented performers as Murray and the Fish Gills, George and Frank, Medusa and the really cool “Next year the girls would like to earn enough money to take a spring break trip to Florida or Hawaii.” Cheerleader Darbi Worley said, “The cheers were really easy to learn, too. Not like those hard ones in high school. Most of the Auggie cheers only use two or three words over and over. It makes our job a lot easier.” Strohbusch said she liked the cheers, too. She only felt there was one problem she had on the squad. “I’m the only brunette, so the girls are raising money so I can get a really cool dye job this sum- mer,” she said. “Then we’ll all be blondes and it’ll be really great, because we’ll match even better.” Director of Student Everything, Brian Cokaine, said, “I’m like really proud of the girls. I will be lobbying for the extra budget money for them next year. I also think, you know, they should get salaries, so the head cheerleaders will be commissioners.” Cokaine said the cheerleaders Hair Curlers, and Jugglers Inc. to Augsburg. He also plans to make attendance at all ASAC- sponsored events mandatory, say- ing, “Now that I’m totally in con- trol of student events I can’t see why anyone would WANT to miss them. I ﬁgure that I can, with a slight increase in tuition, sign on season will also need their own office next year as a commissioned ac- tivity. He said the Echo editor’s office should do nicely. “We’re having it remodeled for the girls this summer,” he said. “I let them pick the color scheme. They pick- ed pink. Like, you know, pink is a really cool color. They thought then they could hang up some tye- dye curtains on the windows in pink and purple, and it would look really neat.” The cheerleaders have set a list of goals for next year. These in- clude collecting the trip money, having some really cool parties in the ofﬁce, going to a few of the games and picking up a few guys from Gustavus when they play there. “The team just can't imagine not having us there for them," Mundahl said. “The football cap- tains said they thought we were really good.” an additional 15 to 20 jugglers a year!" Some senators wondered why Augsburg's security force hasn't been able to stop Cocayne. When told of this, Cocayne laughed loudly, saying, “I've been able to occupy the security guards with some of my more entertaining events, such as pool-shooting tournaments, bird watching from the roof of the student center and tobacco chewing contests." Students, faculty and former president Charles Anderson all wonder where Cocayne's lust for power will stop. They also wonder how many more jugglers there are left to hire. Cocayne is already planning to take a juggling course and may add a juggling course to the list of graduation requirements. “Cocayne most deﬁnitely must be stopped. If he's allowed to gain any more control around here we're going to have to actually go to ASAC events, and besides, who wants to learn how to juggle?" said Davidson. Announcements Speaking Augsburgese will be the subject of a workshop Tues- day, May 16 at the City of Augsburg room of the Christen- sen College Center. Participants will learn the meaning, pronuncia- tion and usage of words such as diversity, community, fundraising and liberal arts. Conducting the workshop will be fluent Augsburgian linguists Mary Adams Forsberg and John Cerrito. The workshop may be counted as a credit in the Augsburgese as a Second Language program. Thanks for your patronage! Chi Tau, the Men’s Fragrances House Couple trapped in elevator sue Augsburg for child support By R. U. DUNN Claiming they were trapped in a dark elevator for 12 hours without condoms, two Augsburg students filed suit yesterday against Augsburg College for child sup- port. Trisha and Malcolm met for the ﬁrst time last September as they stepped into an elevator located in Mortenscn Tower. “Suddenly it stopped and the lights went out. We tried the phone, but it didn’t work,” ex- plained Trisha. “After about an hour it started getting really hot and we started taking off our clothes. You know, to cool off. Then we started looking for the condom dispenser. I thought that every elevator had a condom dispenser. There should be a law.” Little did they knew that Presi- dent Charles Anderson neither condemns nor condones con- doms. “I neither condemn nor condone condoms. I neither con- demn nor condone hormonally motivated activities in elevators. I neither condemn nor condone. Got it?" said Anderson. Malcolm and Trisha departed after being rescued from the elevator. “I even forgot what she looked like," said Malcolm. “Well, I guess I never really knew what she looked like. It was dark, you know.” Then one day someone knocked at Malcolm’s door. It was Trisha. She knew that Malcolm didn’t have enough money for child sup- port, so she had already ap- proached Anderson about the matter, claiming that Augsburg should have had condom dispensers in the elevators. Little did she know that Presi- dent Anderson neither condemns nor condones child support. “I neither condemn nor condone child support," said the president. “So I asked this guy at the door if he remembered about the time in the elevator," said Trisha. “I didn't want to be too speciﬁc, because I wasn’t sure it was him. But it was. So I told him that we would have to ﬁle a suit to get child support and that he would have to testify that it really did happen in the elevator and that we tried to ﬁnd a condom but there just wan’t one to be found." After hearing about the suit, Anderson consulted his lawyer. He really likes to consult his lawyer. “I consulted my lawyer. I really like to consult my lawyer," said Anderson. Apparently, according to the Minneapolis Civil Rights Code, banning the distribution of con- doms in an elevator could be con- strued as an act of discrimination against those who are in the elevator since those who are out- side the elevator probably have easy access to condoms, not to mention lubricants. Based on this new discovery, Anderson changed his mind. “i changed my mind. But I plan to place a disclaimer above all con- dom dispensers to the effect that Augsburg College neither con- demns nor condones condoms." As for Trisha and Malcolm, they will have to wait for the court’s decision. Meanwhile, Malcolm is thinking about taking Trisha out on a date. “She’s a nice girl. Kind of reminds me of my sister. I think I'll ask her to a m0vie.”
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Oxford] May 12, 1989, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: THE OXFORD HELL-NO Friday, May12, 1989 Test yourself: How well d Page Four 4““WW. a... - . .. ,. ., _ . _ '9 “(a W 7. ,, ,, , . .. .,. ,4 p Y ‘ ... . .
Show moreTHE OXFORD HELL-NO Friday, May12, 1989 Test yourself: How well d Page Four 4““WW. a... - . .. ,. ., _ . _ '9 “(a W 7. ,, ,, , . .. .,. ,4 p Y ‘ ... . .<.,, . . ‘r H ‘ _< These students in the cafeteria are: A. Enjoying another fine Marriott meal. B. Discussing a classroom topic over lunch. C. Wondering where the nearest stomach pump is. This Mortensen elevator is: A. The only one currently working. B. The only one that ever works. C. An architect's experiment in toiletless bathrooms. These hamburgers are: A. Soon going to feed hungry students. B. Being cooked to public health standards. C. A biology experiment in soy production. These helpful signs were placed by Augsburg to: A. Help direct new students to their classes. B. Help guests ﬁnd important campus locations. C. Ensure that professors can find their ofﬁces. Julio's face looks like this because: A. It's ﬁnals time. B. He's convinced that girls are attracted to it. C. Someone just told him he's not a Scandinavian Lutheran.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Oxford] May 12, 1989, Page 05
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Friday, May12, 1989 THE OXFORD HELL-NO Page Five you know Oxford College? The grafﬁti on this wall is: This car is being towed because: A. Mindless and costly vandalism. A. It has no parking permit. B. Evidence of local gang activity. 13. It is parked in the wrong lot. C. An art professor's...
Show moreFriday, May12, 1989 THE OXFORD HELL-NO Page Five you know Oxford College? The grafﬁti on this wall is: This car is being towed because: A. Mindless and costly vandalism. A. It has no parking permit. B. Evidence of local gang activity. 13. It is parked in the wrong lot. C. An art professor's doctoral thesis_ C. President Anderson needs the cash. These students are using the gameroom to: A. Kill time before class. B. Kill time after class. C. Kill time during class. This student looks distraught because: A. He's thinking about that big calculus test. B. He's thinking about the high cost of a college education. C. He's forgotten how to think altogether. This man is: A. the host of the most watched talk show at Augsburg. B. Giving a televised seminar on the occult. C. Giving pointers for a successful house party. —Ph0!0 essay by Jumpin' Jack Flash
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Oxford] May 12, 1989, Page 06
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Page Six THE OXFORD HELL-NO Friday, May 12,1989 Student Activities to begin graduate progra 1 l By LAURA HENNING First came the Master of Arts in Leadership. then came the Master of Arts in Social Work. Now, there will be a graduate program for all of those Augsburg students who were members of...
Show morePage Six THE OXFORD HELL-NO Friday, May 12,1989 Student Activities to begin graduate progra 1 l By LAURA HENNING First came the Master of Arts in Leadership. then came the Master of Arts in Social Work. Now, there will be a graduate program for all of those Augsburg students who were members of the Augsburg Student Activities Council. The Master of Arts in Student Activities degree will be offered next fall. The program is the brainchild of Brian Cocaine, director of stu- dent activities (ASAC), student senate, new student orientation, student group key dispersement, all-campus event decisions, Stu- dent Activities Ofﬁce (SAO) supervisor, sign and banner specialist, College Center greeter and freshmen students’ buddy program president. Cocaine brought the matter up to Elizabeth Vanderschaaf, associate dean for graduate and special pro- grams. “Like, I told her, students in other career-related activities have these programs, like, Augsburg Community Action (ACA) people can get their masters in Social Work,” Cocaine said. “But, like, the ASACers need a program, too. They have to major in history so they can ﬁt in all of their pro- gramming duties, and this degree will give them something to do after they graduate. Then, like, they can get a job like mine.” All applicants to the program must have carried a 1.5 GPA, been a history major, and been a member of National Association of College Activities (NACA), said Cocaine. "I know these strict requirements will make filling the classes a little more difﬁcult, but then I can teach the classes and we won’t have to hire any additional faculty for a few years,” he said. “That money will be channeled into programming and raising my salary.” Cocaine said the days when the Master in Student Activities pro- gram meets will be designated All- Campus Events and no one is allowed to program against these classes. “We have the right to cancel any events that we want,” he said. “Like, no one can program against us. The information is in the student guide, you know. Besides, like attending the classes is like an activity for the entire stu- dent body. We’ve especially in- vited the Black Student Union and BAGLS to come to the ‘How to Run the Movie Projector’ and the ‘Sign Painting 101' courses.” Cocaine said that although these students are “like, en- couraged to attend,” they may not receive the degree. “We, you know, program for them, but let- ting them be on the executive board is like another matter,” he said. Neighborhood begins ’Ur-ine’ program By I. P. DALEY Neighborhood residents have begun a campaign to open people’s bathrooms for drunk Augsburg students as they return from Blondie’s. The “ur-ine, don’t ur-out” campaign encourages Auggies to stop by any house on Seventh Street to relieve themselves. “I’d rather have a few more dribbles to wipe up around my toilet than a bunch of yellow spots all over my lawn,” said U.P. In- myhouse, who lives at 1986 S. Seventh St. “Better for my bathroom floor to be pissed on than me pissed off.” Residents complained that Augsburg students have been urinating in their lawns as they return home from Blondie’s. They say they would rather invite Augsburg students into their homes instead of watching their grass die. “That’s pretty cool of them,” said Student Body President Trygve Nystuen. “I don’t mind bearing my backside for all to see, but bearing my frontside in front of God and everybody isn’t too fun." President Charles Anderson said this campaign encourages community diversity among area residents and students. Exactly what he means by diver- sity, who knows these days? However, Anderson said he will not permit residents to distribute flyers on campus that promote the campaign. “I just don’t feel that the school should get in the business of condemning or condoning much of anything,” he said. “Distributing ﬂyers that promote urination might cause someone to become a homosexual. But I don’t want to ﬁght this issue in the press. So that’s all I have to say. No comment.” Mary Adams Forsberg, director of college relations, said this cam- paign will initiate a “doorway to the community” for Augsburg. “By this campaign, the commu- nity is showing how much they really love Augsburg students.” Nystuen bares all Trygve .l. Nystuen, 1988-89 stu- dent body president, has been showing presidential parts of his body to students. He has been identiﬁed as the individual who mooned a student while she was in class this past year. The unidentiﬁed student was apparently attending class in Old Main when Nystuen exposed himself to her. The student, who was sitting nearest the door, was the only one to witness the event. The student apparently became so violently ill when seeing Nys- tuen unclothed that she passed out and fell over the side of her desk. This event only supports other charges against Nystuen. For in- stance. it is rumored that Nystuen has a problem keeping his clothes on at other activities on campus. According to Mike Acers, one of Nystuen’s housemates, “This is a real problem in the house. We usually have to talk to him before parties in order to keep his clothes on. Unfortunately, though, he sometimes forgets.” According to Dean Bill Rosser, “Nystuen is obviously a disturbed individual and will be referred to CSD for counseling.” President Charles Anderson, however, said no charges or social probation would be placed on Nystuen. “This is not a student concern, and I don’t have to explain my actions,” Anderson said. These incidents bring up other problems for the Augsburg stu- dent senate. When a senator was informed of Nystuen’s activities, he said, “I’m not surprised. I wondered what Nystuen was always doing under the senate table during the meetings.” The possibility of impeaching Nystuen was discussed, but he must be placed on social proba- tion first. Nystuen refused to comment. Brian Cokain, all around big shot, gloats as he acknowledges yet another frontier conquered, the graduate program. —Photo by his mother, Mrs. Cokain P. S. Note crown on file cabinet. (Can you guess what he ’1! try and do next? How about Homecoming King?) TOP 10 TITLES OF COLLEGE BEFORE "AUGSBURG ON RIVERSIDE" 10. Augsburg: Cash, check, or charge? . Augsburg alongside major freeway . Augsburg near ambulance infested hospital zone . Augsburg under Northwest jet flight pattern . Augsburg: hey, we don't condemn or condone around here. . Augsburg, or burn in hell! . Augsburg: wheelchair access in the rear. . Augsburg: Well, it sounds like Oxford?! . Augsburg: Through truth, sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, and freedom. . Augsburg: The affordable choice, heh heh heh. ANQAU‘IO’VQUD We give coffee to people who don’t have time to go to school. At Augsburg College, we cater to students on weekends—literally. Coffee and cookies are provided free of charge to the students we really like best. Those are the students like you, who like to com- plain how difﬁcult your lives are because you have a family, a full-time job, and a dog that wets on the carpet. You have all of that, but you also have something special. Experience. You’ve seen the world. You’ve been there. You know what it’s like. And we want you. And we want your money. We know you pay your bills on time. But we know how difﬁcult the added burden of college classes can be on a family, a job and a dog with a weak bladder. So we make life easier for you. A caring faculty. Convenient parking in lots reserved for annex-house residents. Telephone numbers of college kids who will be glad to tutor you at any hour of the day or night if you’re nasty enough. And tuition a fraction of what those pesky little college kids cough up. Come to our next Weekend College informational session. Come and see how much we like more mature students. Come and eat some cookies and drink some coffee. Augsburg Weekend College Come visit us! We’re easy to ﬁnd. Exit off the freeway, take a left, then take another left, and keep going by the brand-new building that we are all really proud of around here. Keep driving until you get to the corner where the homelas people hang out, and take another left. We’re waiting to give you free coffee and cookia in the Admisions House. Ask for Chuck.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Oxford] May 12, 1989, Page 07
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Friday, May 12, 1989 SOS desk dedicated The Cornell SOS desk is named for loyal nigh! manager Tom Cornell. A dedication ceremony for the SOS desk will be held Saturday, May 13 in the Christensen College Center. The newly renovated Cor- nell SOS desk will be named for its major benefactor, Tom...
Show moreFriday, May 12, 1989 SOS desk dedicated The Cornell SOS desk is named for loyal nigh! manager Tom Cornell. A dedication ceremony for the SOS desk will be held Saturday, May 13 in the Christensen College Center. The newly renovated Cor- nell SOS desk will be named for its major benefactor, Tom Cornell, who recently purchased a stapler for desk use. After the ceremony, Cornell will reminisce about his work as a night manager and answer ques- tions about the new stapler on the Palosaari Steps of the Christensen College Center. In case of rain, the forum will be held in the Fredrickson Atrium of Foss Center, followed by a concert in the Hoversten Chapel. THE OXFORD HELL-NO resigns Troy Amundson resigned from Augsburg’s Young Republican Group after charges of liberalism were brought against him. Amundson gave a quarter to an old widow who could not afford to pay her rent. The woman gave her entire savings to the Democratic presidential campaign last fall and has been living meagerly on social security checks ever since. Amundson claims he had no idea that the woman supported Democrats and liberalism. Memebers of the Young Republicans have been skeptical about believing Amundson's claim. “Troy knew the woman was a liberal,” said Anthony Patton, another Young Republican. “After all, she gave money for the new Foss Center, and this is a liberal college!“ The Young Republicans also questioned whether Amundson should have given money to the needy. The group says that Amundson’s free handout is his ﬁrst step toward believing in liberal social welfare programs designed to benefit those who don’t deserve it. Amundson decided to resign from the group before the group black-balled him. However, he denies the charges saying he was only being a “nice guy“ and was not showing signs of blatant liberalism. Trygve Nicetoo, former student body president, was awarded an internship with the Augsburg ad- ministration for next year. “Tryg will be a senior next year. and we’ve just always thought of him as our right-hand boy around here,“ said Augsburg President Chuck Anderson. Nicetoo plans to fit a full academic schedule in with his in- terning duties, which include eating bran mufﬁns with the presi- dent and his pre-staff twice a week, serving coffee to the board of regents and offering occasional legal counsel for the college. “I’m excited. It's going to be a really good experience. You know, you go through college and it’s really the experiences like these that make it just a super overall experience from the aspect of being part of things and really getting involved,” Nicetoo said. Nicetoo said he hopes to get more student input and represen- tation into administrative deci- sions, but could not offer any specific plans. “What we need is for us all to work together to resolve some of these issues and concerns that we all have,” he said. “There are no easy answers; it takes expression, discussion and contemplation for us to reach any mutually good solutions.“ Anderson agreed that “there are many concerns and issues we have to deal with in such a diverse community of unique individuals." When asked what some of those issues and concerns might be, Page Seven Amundson Nicetoo gets internship Anderson and Nicetoo both declined to comment. “There are several we are work~ ing on," Nicetoo said. Anderson added. “it‘s still in the preparatory stages." Name change Continued from page I Northfield or Decorah. “They give you this predictable, unimpressed ‘oh' when they find out you’re not going to the prestigious Oxford. It‘s more than l can bear," said first—year student Hilde Knutson. Knutson is not alone. Many prospective freshmen are chang- ing their plans after clarifying Augsburg‘s name and location for the 16th time. “It's a real problem," said Director of Admissions Carol Stack. “Augsburg's enrollment has declined for the last few years. The main reason students gave for not choosing Augsburg has been the problem with its name." “Practically anything would be better,” said Andreas Johannson. organizer of yesterday’s rally. “Ideally, the board of regents will just go ahead and name the school Oxford.” Augsburg President Chuck Anderson said the board has no plans to change the name in the near future. “Possibly down the road we could change it to Mur- phy College or Foss College," he said. A day in the life of a security worker . . . Everyone has heard the rumors. Ugly ones. Security isn’t doing their job? Slacking off? A list has been provided entitled “A day in the life of a security worker” to show the student body just what goes on in the security booth and on the countless patrols. 7 a.m. Wake up, shower, dress. Put on Augsburg Security jacket and feel important. 7:45 a.m. Eat trail mix on the way to security post. 8:15 a.m. Arrive on post. Realize you forgot walkie-talkie. 8:30 a.m. Retrieve walkie—talkie and squirt gun from security booth. 8:45 am. Argue with another security guard for control of walkie- talkie. Unload squirt gun on him. 9:15 mm. Arrive back on post. Reload squirt gun. 9:30 am. Respond to distress call over walkie-talkie. 9:45 mm. Witness vandalism. Decide to make a citizen’s arrest. 10:45 am. Wake up on ground with bruised face. Cannot ﬁnd vandals. 11 am. Return to room with walkie-talkie to take nap. 11:45 am. Wake up, get more trail mix and go to post. 12:15 p.m. Check out game room, decide to play a quick game of billiards. 12:45 p.m. Leave game room. Go to get lunch in Commons. 1:30 p.m. Go to cleaners. Pick up Rent-a-Cop uniform. 2 p.m. Go back to security booth. Decide to change Urness and Morten- sen codes just for fun. 2:30 p.m. Unload squirt gun on nagging freshman. 2:45 p.m. Reload gun. Go down to Murphy‘s for second lunch. Back to game room. 3 p.m. Security booth is out of pens. Question people passing by for pens. 3:30 p.m. Go to bookstore to charge eight packs of pens. 3:35 p.m. No more charges at the bookstore. No pens. 4:15 p.m. Arrive at K—Mart. Buy pens. 4:40 p.m. Arrive back at security booth. Lock up pens. 5 p.m. Eat dinner. Go back to room to watch “Leave It to Beaver." 6:30 p.m. Go back to booth. Hook up Nintendo to security computer and play “Donkey Kong." 7 p.m. Receive a call. Ten students stuck in elevator. Don’t know what to do. Call Lori Turner. 7:30 p.m. Kicked out of booth by angry Lori Turner. 8 p.m. Begin night patrol. Go back for walkie-talkie. 9 p.m. Find students drinking in the Quad. Assess $100 fines to each person. Dodge shoe. 10 p.m. Respond to noise violation in Urness. 10:25 p.m. March sixth floor R.A. to security booth in handcuffs. 11 p.m. Check out party at Delta Chi. Pay $2 to get in. Feel stupid. 11:30 p.m. Call police from security booth. Delta Chi party busted. Feel important. Midnight Go back to room to brush teeth. Put on Spiderman pajamas and go to bed.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Oxford] May 12, 1989, Page 08
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Page Eight THE OXFORD HELL-NO College bids sad farewell to new graduate Brad Foss By MARY ADAMS FORSBERG Administrators at Augsburg College have ended their efforts to keep Brad Foss from graduating. Foss is too much of an Augsburg tradition to let go just because he has enough credits to...
Show morePage Eight THE OXFORD HELL-NO College bids sad farewell to new graduate Brad Foss By MARY ADAMS FORSBERG Administrators at Augsburg College have ended their efforts to keep Brad Foss from graduating. Foss is too much of an Augsburg tradition to let go just because he has enough credits to graduate, ofﬁcials say. ‘(I’m Brad," really going to miss said President Charles Anderson. “It was always nice to walk across campus and hear the kind, soft words he would give to his fellow students," Anderson said. Sources close to the administra- tion told of covert efforts that Efforts to keep Foss here failed, even naming the new worship center after him. Wind ensemble returns By BEA FLAT The Augsburg Wind and Jazz ensembles recently returned from a year—long tour around the world. The groups performed in such places as Buckingham Palace, an Egyptian pyramid and a White Castle in Idaho. Buckingham Palace was a favorite for many band members. Queen Elizabeth was overheard to say that the place hadn’t rocked that big since the Beatles played there in the ‘60s. The ensembles’ director, David Hawley, said the groups tried to perform a variety of music that would speak to people in different Cultures. The ensembles played mood music at the Louvre in Paris and an Olympic fanfare in Athens, Greece. The major concern for the ensembles now, is making up class assignments. “Most of my professors are giv- ing me some extra time for finals.“ said band member Krissy (Ki Ki) Miller, “but it‘s tough making up for a whole year." “Our aim is to get bigger every year," said Hawley. The ensembles are planning a tour for next year that includes such places as the red spot on Mars and a moon crater on one of the moons of Jupiter. were used to keep Foss an Augsburg student. According to sources, twice within the last year secret administrative employees arranged accidents that broke Foss’ writing hand. They had hoped this would render Foss unable to complete his school work so they could keep him another year. Those efforts of failed. Another effort has been the naming of the new worship/com- munication/drama building in Foss’ honor, giving him reserved skateboard parking in front of the College Center, and an assorted pack of chewing gum. “I thought the naming of the building would have done it,” said Ray Anderson, Foss’ academic adviser. “I told him if you play your cards right, they may name Murphy’s after you when it is remodeled next,” he said. Foss has remained unchanged throughout all of his honors and gifts. “I’m getting out of here, man!” Foss said. “I’m sick of this hole!” he said. “No one is quite sure how long Brad has been an Augsburg stu— dent, but apparently he is throw- ing that all away just to graduate,” an administration spokesperson said. “I’m just sick over it!” he said. Foss said his future plans are undecided at this time. President Anderson, in an attempt to relate better to students, spon- taneously broke into a rap during a recent address. ' — _ _ _ - — — _ — — — — — ——————_——————-——_————-——-—_ ——.. SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE This coupon may be redeemed for $2.00 off tuition, room and board at Augsburg. Redeem at the Business Office. L—_—_—————--——-_—————————_—-- — — — — — — — — ——— ——— L---——-——-———-— Friday, May 12, 1989 God says choir needs more work By B. SHARP Contrary to rumors circulating throughout the Norwegian Lutheran college community, the Augsburg Choir is not seated at the right hand of God, according to a surprise announcement from heaven this week. A spokesperson from heaven made the announcement just three weeks after a highly successful Augsburg Choir tour of Washington, DC. “I was under the impression that we had moved from God’s left hand to the right,” said a shocked Tom Rossin, director of the group. “We were doing so well.” A lack of a real alto sound in each section was cited as the major problem with the choir, ac- cording to a statement released by God, creater of all that is, seen and.unseen. “They are a heck of a choir," God acknowledged. “This should give them something to work for next year." are. Pi Mu Open House The men of Pi Mu would like to invite all Augsburg students, staff, faculty and friends to an open house on Friday, May 12. After reports in the Augsburg Echo called Pi Mu the most trashed annex house, the men of Pi Mu have opened their doors to the world to show just how neat they really Call the senate at x1110 be- cause "they care." See you at the party! The men of Pi Mu Editor’s note: The editors have never been to Pi Mu. Therefore, we can neither condemn nor condone the conditions of their home. We hope you have a nice visit.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 01
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: RHO house will soon be purged of all hockey players and other demonic creatures. Campus Ministries tours RHO, requests exorcism by [ma Cult Several weeks ago it was an- nounced that RHO house, a long- time bastion for hockey-playing jocks. would be occupied next fall by a Campus Ministries...
Show moreRHO house will soon be purged of all hockey players and other demonic creatures. Campus Ministries tours RHO, requests exorcism by [ma Cult Several weeks ago it was an- nounced that RHO house, a long- time bastion for hockey-playing jocks. would be occupied next fall by a Campus Ministries special- interest group. Since the time of the announcement it has been learned that Campus Ministries has requested an exorcism of the house. The group was optimistic about its new home and the convenient location at 7th Street and let Avenue until a recent visit. Ap- parently some strange occurrences took place during a recent room- selecting tour. “We walked in the back door to the most foul stench this nose has ever encountered." said Jenni Lilledahl. “There was this gooey. green substance in the sink, on the floor boards and oozing out of the refrigerator." “When Patty walked in the room, beer suddenly came gushing from the side of the refrigerator," added Cathy Moe. “It was awful, in the living room was what appeared to be a ceramic dog, but it could talk! It said ‘Knock it off Howie,’ ‘Fill me up‘ and ‘Going back to the Falls.’” Other reported sightings by the group included a ghostly ﬁgure, clad only in underwear, stumbling out of one of the bedrooms, down the hall and into the bathroom. “The sounds that came out of the bathroom were too hideous to come from any earthly being,” said Chris Wacker. The exorcism was requested im- mediately and soon after approv- ed by Dave Wold, Wayne Pedersen and Charles Anderson. The last attempted exorcism at RHO was back in 1979 by then college Pastor Lowell Brandt. Brandt declared the house unﬁt for Lutheran habitation and returned it to the hockey players. “Usually when we encounter houses that have absorbed this much evil we bulldoze them,” said Pedersen, “but the location of Rl-lO warrants a second attempt." Anderson tried to dismiss some of the fears about the undertak- ing. “It’s not like this procedure is new to the college," he said. “We did the same thing to Memorial when Oscar left, and Jeannie Narum is in the process of upgrading that cleansing." In most cases like the one at RHO, Campus Ministries and the college Pastor handle the exor- cism. Due to past failures, however, the college decided to call in a crack squad from the seminary in St. Paul. The talking dog raised some eyebrows in the group, but they seemed un- daunted by the events, reported Mr. Ed records and countless Proctor and Gamble products strewn about the house. The group seems conﬁdent they will be able to cleanse the house. Any tension they may have been feel- ing was put to rest when it was reported that the demonic dog had been eliminated from the pic- ILIIC. According to reports Conﬁrmed on page 3 from itoosauac cottacs meant; Vol. 92, No. 23 Friday, May 16, 1986 Dare-um on a roll, fires Anderson Last week, in a strange act of administrative checks and balances, Vice President of Development Jeannie Dare-um fired President Anderson. “it‘s a brave act, I know," Dare-um stated, “but I’ve been warming up to it all year.“ Dare-um, who has already dismissed four of her staff in her first year as Vice President of Development and College Rela- tions, excused the move as “a pro- fitable one." “Chuck has been spending too much time on cam- pus lately dealing with internal af- fairs." she explained. “Left neglected has been his primary duty as a college president: to raise funds. He had to go," she said. Anderson's dismissal coincides with the end of his six-year con- tract with Augsburg. At the time of dismissal, no announcement had been made as to whether he would renew the term. or even whether the term expires June 1 or June 30. Dare-um expressed regret for not dismissing him at a more inconvenient time, as is her usual style, but explained that “sometimes you just can‘t wait." She confessed, “I would have preferred to have ﬁred Marianne Sander first. but she retired before 1 could get at her.“ Proper hiring and firing procedures. she stress- ed, “are all part of good college relations." Dare—um has threatened to follow Anderson‘s dismissal with a mass-firing of the alumni, whom she described as “a miserable failure in their duties of donating to the college and the annual fund drive. ” She refused to comment on rumors that Anderson was ousted so Augsburg could merge with the First Bank System under the direc- tion of Regent Chair Donald Branbaard. Dare-um only disclos- ed that “there are ways to turn this college into the money- making institution it was meant to be,” and added that “if necv essary, 1 will ﬁre the faculty and students as well.”
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: . 9 ﬂ — A The Quad Squirrel mauled a he lo Saga/and. Ipless football player as he sounlered up Quad Squirrel finally trapped on dishwasher conveyer belt Mutual omeaha filmed its last episode of “Wild Kingdom“ last week, using the upstairs cafeteria as its location. The show centered on one of...
Show more. 9 ﬂ — A The Quad Squirrel mauled a he lo Saga/and. Ipless football player as he sounlered up Quad Squirrel finally trapped on dishwasher conveyer belt Mutual omeaha filmed its last episode of “Wild Kingdom“ last week, using the upstairs cafeteria as its location. The show centered on one of Augsburg‘s most ferocious creatures—the Quad Squirrel. Augsburg President Charles (Chuck) Anderson was brave enough to take the place of Marlin Perkins, who is still in the hospital recovering from a chip— munk bite. Early Saturday morning, camera men and technicians arriV» ed at Augsburg. By 10:30 a.m., everything was set up and ready to go. Chuck opened several win- dows, grabbed a few fried potato chunks and strategically placed them JUSl behind the windows. Then Chuck and his helper Bob hid behind a chair and waited. Students filtered into Sagaland. filled up their trays and sat down to brunch. Little did they know the food had been spiked with Squrrrel Bait, ground nuts and in- sects, put into the pancake and mufﬁn batter the night before). As the students ate and Chuck and Bob waited, the Quad Squir- rel appeared. Sniffing the air, the animal slowly made its way into Sagaland. Finding a potato chunk, it began to tear and gnaw at its food. That's when Chuck saw his chance. Signaling Bob. he rose up and charged the squirrel, using the animal's own warning calls of “Shoo, shoo," and Hup— hup-jup." Startled, the squirrel ran right, then left. then straight toward the serving line. “There he goes, Bob!" Chuck shouted. as the squirrel weaved between tables and ran down aisles. “Secure all the windows." Bob closed the windows. Chuck continued to pursue the squirrel. Students continued to eat and converse with their friends, unaware that this was an display of behavior for a college president. A few students even coaxed the squirrel with bits of food and gentle chattering noises. “Don‘t do that!" Chuck chastised one student. “Why, it‘s only a squirrel?" “ONLY A SQUIRREL?l? Why that creature is the notorious Quad Squirrel—it’s a ﬁerce wild beast with huge saber teeth—he’ll rip you apart if you’re not careful." “Had—duh," said the student, who knelt down with a piece of food in his hand. “Here, squirrel, come here. Yiaiaaaagh!” In a matter of seconds the Quad Squirrel had savagely attacked the ignorant student and torn his arm to shreds. “I told you so.” Chuck said. The squirrel was ﬁnally trapped when he crawled up on some of the trays sitting on the conveyer belt in the dishroom. Chuck and Bob hit the switch. Full speed. The squirrel was running fran- tically and getting nowhere. Chuck and Jim netted and tran- quilized the squirrel, which will be used for research at the University of Minnesota. “Sure, we lost a few students, but to ﬁnally get ahold of this furry little beast is worth a couple of angry parents. These damn things get into everything— they've interrupted three Board of Regents' meetings this semes- ter,” Anderson said. Forty students were killed, with three more in critical condition. Those that survived the squirrel attack died from food poisoning due to Squirrel Bait in the pan- cakes. lnCAR and office workers unite; this week. by \'.l. Lenin This week in a long-predicted action the Augsburg Ofﬁce of \Vorkers' Union (AOWU) allied itself with Bobbi Lammers and ln~ BUth Lummers bli/Lhorﬂed the AOWU’: demands a! the quad rally CAR. The group of about 40 of- ﬁce workers has long been a hot~ bed of political activism. Now they are living up to their legen~ dary militancy by uniting with 50% Off Any Sandwich, when you purchase a large Soft Drink. “Coupon Special" Itioupon Redeemable at Campus Snack Bar! l ____________ __ 2 protest wages, bosses, capitalism their brothers and sisters in In- CAR to smash all racist vermin on this campus. On Monday the AOWU went out on strike demanding eight hours‘ pay for six hours' work. Carolyn Magnuson and Bobbi Lammers led chants in the Quad that outlined this and other speciﬁc demands of the “Com. rades," as they now call themselves. Negotiations between the AOWU and the bosses led by the Kingpin, Wayne Pederson. will begin next week. They are ex- pected to last quite a while. In addition to eight hours' pay for six hours’ work, the Comrades are espousing several other rather radical demands, including: paid vacation on May Day, an egalitarian Communist society in which money will be eliminated, an end to racist imperialist wars, and the resignation of Charles Anderson and Wayne Pederson on the grounds of incompetence. Lammers called the events tnily a stepping stone for Augsburg on the road to truth through freedom. morning without coughing your lungs out. Sorry you ed. Sorry you can't get up in the can‘t climb a Single ﬂight of stairs without getting wind- Blondie’s No LD. Required RA of the year thanks God and the Augsburgian staff by Rio Venge Attention boys and girls . . . er, ladies and gentlemen. The envelope please . . . The winner of the 1985-86 R.A. of the year is Mary Haggerty! “Oh, I’m excited, but I can‘t really say that l'm surprised," Haggerty said. “After all, l've got what it takes!" In addition to her R.A. duties, Haggerty is active in the Chin Wag, killer broomball, and editing the Augsburgian (sort of). The people she admires most are Mohammad Ali and Jeanne Narum, her favorite book is Looking Out For Number One, and her favorite beverages are milk and Slow Screws. During her reign, Haggerty will spend time telling people what to do, advising Augsburg men, and speaking to interested groups (for appointments, call x-l581 and leave a message on her answering machine). “Finally, l‘m getting the recognition I deserve. Being an R.A. is a one—time shot—that is, unless you do it again. So, H] be back next year by popular de- mand,“ Haggerty said. Haggerty plans to use her award as a springboard for her post- college career. “l've already got the title for my autobiography picked out: I Am Great. From then I'll probably go to Hollywood and do a few m0vies,” she drawled on, “and then get in. to politics. “Remember—Mary Haggerty for President in 2(1):! Oh, and I’d like to thank those who helped me get this far. especially my parents and God and the Augsburgian staff and my roommate and the other R.A.’s and everyone on my Mary ‘ ' YourAsslsMine ' ’Haggerly floor and all my professors and the Echo for doing such a good job of informing the Augsburg community about what really goes on around here.” 500) IIIVS All students, faculty and staff are invited to a farewell reception be- ing given in their honor by Jeanne Narum, Vice President of Development. “it's just my way of saying ‘Thanks, good luck and gooa riddance' to the whole Augsburg community,” Narum explained. Special music and refreshments will be provided.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 03
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: the forts Wayne Pederson—made for the part. Pederson can’t wait to get into ’the business’ Wayne Pederson will be taking time off from Augsburg next year to pursue a career in acting. Pederson will be making his theatrical debut with the Guthrie Theatre’s Christmas production, A Christmas Carol....
Show morethe forts Wayne Pederson—made for the part. Pederson can’t wait to get into ’the business’ Wayne Pederson will be taking time off from Augsburg next year to pursue a career in acting. Pederson will be making his theatrical debut with the Guthrie Theatre’s Christmas production, A Christmas Carol. Pederson will be playing the lead role of Eb- enezer Scrooge. The Echo was very excited about this develop- ment and pleaded with Pederson to grant a short interview on his budding stardom. Pederson ﬁnally broke his vow of silence with the Echo and com— mented on his venture into the world of theatre. “I am quite excited about the show, um, the play. I have always been interested in the performing arts and welcome this opportunity to break into “the business” as they call it. Ah yes, I can hardly wait to be out there under the footlights. The smell of the greasepaint, the roar of applause, the star on my dressing room door!” Pederson effused. This reporter was amazed by Pederson‘s verbosity and en» thusiasm about his new venture. However, when asked how he had landed such a coveted role. Pederson became his usual self and only gave brusque, vague answers. “I don’t have that infor- mation. Talk to my secretary," was all Pederson would say. His secretary refused to answer the phone and has probably quit. Undaunted, this reporter went right to the source, the Guthrie Theatre’s casting director. He (re- questing anonymity) said that they were looking for someone with a background in this ﬁeld. “All our other Scrooges were starving ac- tors, they knew nothing about managing money or hoarding it.“ the secret source said. “Pederson has that background, we think he‘ll play the part to perfection. There have been some doubts about him pulling off the part about Scrooge changing his ways and all, you know, where he becomes good—hearted, but I think with the proper coaching he can fake his way through it.” The Echo encourages all Aug- gies and company to attend the debut of one of our own this next Christmas. What better Christmas present for our favorite V.P. than to look out and see all our beam- ing faces in the audience. _ 7/:e7/MWM aloon “It‘s easier to grab gay sex. ‘ Minneapolis, Minnesota Fine, fast dining in the heart of the—beastMinneapolis “Fine, fast dining in the heart of beautiful Minneapolis” is the slogan for a new restaurant that opened last week on let Avenue. The CHIN GAG boasts the “All You Can Wait" grill and deli at “It‘s-a-steal" prices. According to owner and manager Roto Rodgers, the name CHIN GAG was picked because when spelled backwards, it says ‘Gag Nihc’ (Nick was the name of her ex- husband). “Besides,” said Roto, “I didn't want to spell the whole thing out: Come Hungry. It’ll Never Get Any Grosser.” On the night I visited, the special was Chili Disks, fries and side saddle-bag salad. Rumor had it that the special always runs out fast, so I was lucky to arrive when I did. My special was especially a bargain at 25 cents an ounce, to be weighed at the register. The chili was crispy and warm, much like the texture of a day»o|d sidewalk worm. The salad leaves had a pretty red tint to them and the fruit ﬂies added a visual touch. The taste brought back memories of when I used to chew on my Grandpa's leather coin purse which he battered for on the streets in Mex- Eco. For dessert, I chose the “Buy It At The Deli—no, Serve Yourself—no, Buy It At The Deli" ice cream. This was also a bargain, sold by the ounce, but I was running out of cash so 1 stuff- ed some into my notebook before I paid. My partner opted for a deli sandwich. He was turned on by the deli worker, who sensuously nibbled on tuna chunks while she prepared his sandwich. He ordered the turkey on wheat but got an eight-inch egg salad sand— wich covered with a white sauce (suspiciously like mayonnaise). However, he commented that the meal was very moist, tender and easy to eat with a straw. The ambiance at the Gag is romantic, if you can get the table in the corner. Otherwise, it is much like the pit at the stock market. The decor is homey earth tones with rusty accents. If you are an “autumn,” you will blend in nicely. The service was entertaining. Employees often munch while you wait, to assure that the food is edi- ble. 1 had to choke, however, when one employee sat on the preparation counter and cleaned out his ear with a butter knife The Yuk/(0 received an exclusive report that the Chernobyl accident 0c- culred before Christmas and not during April as Supposed. Three Augsburg students who went home to Scandinavia for the holidays sport radiant smiles and beaming faces in this December photo. Little do they know . . . DALLAS 25 It!!! wouu MAY 20 AND 2,1 3: 30 Alrt - 3 Pl! I D REQUIRED We buy an titles havmg resale market value| CULECE BOOKSTORE AUCSEURC COLLEGE LUIIOCK IAY 12, 8:30 AM - IZ NOON Hard cover or Paperback— whether used on this campus or not while my fries were soaking (Without living gloves on, I might add). The grill, I am told, has the longest line (not necessarily because of the food). The deli, though. had the most interesting service. One is required to inter» rupt the deli worker from her studies and then beg for a sand- wich while kneeling on the tile. 1 found this a waste of time, while my partner was turned on by it. The cashiers (average tested IQ of 47—with help from the register) were quite fast, if you were trying to sneak out. Otherwise they slow- ly punched out your payment plan in case you felt you hadn‘t waited long enough at any of the other lines. My partner and I agreed that the best service was offered at the cooler. The doors slide open with a smile and the contents were neatly stacked. We were planning on returning the next evening for the squid loaf special with Iguana tail side salad but we could still taste the meal from the night before. The CHIN GAG: What a deal!! I recommend that you try this pleasant nook once in your life (or your next life—whichever comes ﬁrst). Exorcism Continued from page I RHO, the dog was whisked out of the house amid a whirlwind of {rankincense and myrrh and smashed on the sidewalk in front of Miriam house. A radical face tion of the FCA claimed respon- sibility. RHO house members can't understand what all of the fuss is about. Charlie Dalton said things seemed quite normal the day Campus Ministries toured the house. “lt was just an average Wednesday morning. Howie MaGrane and l were down in Scott’s room having a couple of beers before class and Hagen had just come home from the Club." “I wasn’t feelin' too good. lgot up to visit the porcelain God and scared the hell out of some prissies from Mortenson,” said Hagen. “l didn’t think Kip could get that kind of girl.“ “I can't believe they smashed our dog," MaGrane added. “But I‘m really pissed they let the keg run dry. They're gonna need the bulldozers when we get done With this place.“
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: editorials ougsburg . bsessron by lck Nelson Abe Lard, a 13th century corpse col- lector. is supposed to have muttered. “Has anyone inquired of anyone. critically. to ascertain why the number of dying has shuttled? Look at all this fishy fallout." I confess that the method Ahe Lard adopted is...
Show moreeditorials ougsburg . bsessron by lck Nelson Abe Lard, a 13th century corpse col- lector. is supposed to have muttered. “Has anyone inquired of anyone. critically. to ascertain why the number of dying has shuttled? Look at all this fishy fallout." I confess that the method Ahe Lard adopted is outdated in our modern world. It‘s too smelly a job. and Lard did things he wouldn't tell his mother. That‘s why i tried to persuade a strident of the impotence of Abe Lard's dictum. Lard. grandson of 12th century philosopher Peter Abelard. had sex with any corpse that fell from his cart. Lard‘s deScriptive details compil- cd in Once Upon u Plague came out of his animal experiences. My student felt that Lard was too critical of the dead. Her father had died the day before, and she felt compelled to question the veracity of Lard's methods. I knew we were going to have some trouble with defor- mities. I agreed with her that Abe hated misfits. but reminded her that for purposes of modern scholarship, it‘s Lard's comprehension that’s relevant. Lard discovered he could whet his appetite by various hidden means which I‘ll leave to your state of mind to discern. To everyone visible he appeared retarded and stupid and that‘s what‘s important for modern scholars. That. and collecting bodies from streets and houses, which is a good way to kill off your enemies. My student took only Lard‘s first chapter seriously—“Ars Amour Cadaver“—as the “only upwardly exciting, right-thinking and civil part of a book that was positively. glossily zippity inspiring that she kind of liked“ (and that's paraphrasing). "Humping corpses.“ the word for it slips my mind. was—during the centuries it was O.l\'.——one of the active ingredients in history. When they humped the dead. they responded to their needs. They were efete. They humiliated themselves—just as Abe Lard described. He‘s speaking about circumstances that most of us today would be opposed to and in agreement with. at the same time. But like women. we respond to those perverts. We care. Today, we understand that real education only takes place when we humiliate ourselves. We are required to ask “Why?” and because we’re mediocre and apathetic, we ask "How?" They were weirdos. They did ponder their lack of existence and sought lies and meaninglessness. We began differentiating between beauty and ugliness; decaying. tlaky ﬂesh and the pink, vital stuff. I‘m not sure my student ever agreed with my perception of Abe Lard‘s methods of making it. I do knew I‘ve done absolutely no doubt— ing or inquiring. I‘ve never made love to a corpse, and subsequently, I‘ve never found truth. I suppose. History. in conclusion. is nothing but lies: and lies masquerading as truth. or lies hiding behind truth with a weapon. or lies lying in wait of everyone in ambush. or lies waiting to be criticized because they smueg know it just breeds more lies. and lies. etc. ledge To the Editor: Boy it was nice to have Mark take us back a few years to the times we’re most proud of. My resume wouldn’t be quite the same if l didn’t have those great stats for write-ups in Urness Tower. That prof who called us a “bunch of lazy, immature drunks" can go stick his head in a toilet. We‘re graduating three or four out of ten guys on that floor. That‘s better than the U of M basketball team! Thanks again. Mark. Dave Marlow To the Editor: I took all the cameras with me. I have some great pictures of In- donesia if someone wants to use them for the yearbook. I hear the yearbook‘s short on pictures. Sue Thayer To the Editor: What’s all the this fuss I hear about “pot holes" on campus? Where do these holes come from? Who puts them there? Does the pot grow in the hole? Does the pot make the hole? Do people smoke pot in these holes? How do people ﬁt in the holes? Is the pot free? Do they check l.D.? Is there a cover charge? Who‘s the bouncer? My cousin’s husband was a bouncer once. He got electrocuted by a Pac Man video game. Are these pot holes legal? Aren’t drugs illegal? Isn‘t this supposed to be a Christian college? Why doesn't plant services ﬁll them in? Do they smoke pot? Did they always haVe pot holes on campus? Do prospec- tive students see these pot holes? Will the pot holes make money for the college? Will tuition go down because of these pot holes? Maybe pot holes are good? Sincerely Confused. Norman B.F. Chortlebuffer (GPA—3.87965) Dearest Norman: No. The Editor To the Editor: What‘s going to happen to the “College in the City" motto after the city is knocked down to make room for Augsburg buildings? I mean. my parents sent me here because they wanted me to get out of ﬂat. old North Dakota, but this place is starting to look just like North Dakota to me! Is there some sort of plot or something to get students into the CITY and then knock the roofs down on top of them? Does the College have insurance out on every student with a social work internship? Don’t you think somebody on the paper should check into this? Suspicious confessions by Weiner Pearson Vice President of Money Forgive me Augsburg for l have sin- ned. For I am but a humble accountant. who through no fault of my own attain- ed this high ofﬁcc. While looking up from my basement ofﬁce. I realize that I have told many lies and half-truths. Please hear this confession so that I may set the record straight. I confess that Mortensen Tower really is leaning. It only leans a little bit and is hardly noticeable. Besides, I saved the college millions of dollars when I hired my son and daughter to build it for a summer job. (Don't worry kids, Daddy will buy you a new set of Erectors real soon.) That brings me to my kids. I must confess that l have been pulling strings for them while they attended Augsburg. Everyone knows that I had the houses they lived in rebuilt, but that is only half of it. When my daughter decided to major in chemistry. I realized that the lab facilities were totally inadequate. So I had the third floor of the Science Hall completely remodeled. Nothing but the best for my girl! I still have one daughter left who will also be attending Augsburg. She wants to study theater. I wonder what I can do to help her when she gets here? You may be wondering why all of these old people who own homes around the Augsburg area seem to die right before we need their land. Well. I confess that I poisoned them. You see, I have a reputation as a snake in this neighborhood so that none of these people will even talk to me about selling their land at any price. When the person dies, the relatives are always willing to sell me the property right away. I always give them a good price considering the sad circumstances of the sale. I lied through my teeth last year at an open forum when l said that Augsburg does not have any investments in South Africa. Now I have said time in and time out that we do not discriminate in our hiring prac- tices at Augsburg. Look at our custodial staff. We've got lots of blacks and Native Americans working here. l do not see where South African employment policies are any different from what we do here. So money in South Africa is like money in the bank as far as I am concerned! Why am l writing this confession you ask? Well I have had a change of faith. I have converted to Catholicism. I am tired of not being ap- preciated by this big bunch of Lutherans. This brings me to my last con- fession. I have sold the campus to St. Thomas! GOOD BYE. on my duff by Wan Freshman Boy. I hate getting up in the morning. Don‘t you? Here‘s how I get up in the morning: —7 am: Alarm goes off. Hit doze but- tort. —-7:O9 a.m.: Alarm goes off. Hit doze button. ——7218 am: Alarm goes off. Hit doze button. ——7:27 a.m.: Alarm goes off. Hit doze button. Well, you can imagine what happens next. I usually get up about 7:36 or 50. First I put on my robe, walk down the hall, walk into the bathroom, open the stall door, put up the toilet seat. do my duty. flush, wash my hands (I always wash my hands), walk back to the room. then my roommate, who is a typical freshman like me, usually says something like “Good morning," then I answer him (I always answer when I’m spoken to). then I get my towel and walk back down the hall for my shower, then I think about what my life would've been like if I would've been Mr. Urness, then I think about Sorry, Wan, had to edit for length. The Editor. .-,.r11rm\- r \, «tour;
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 05
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: just listen! by“. N.“ Boy. you kids sure are curious little buggers lately. Professor Num- hitall has been getting all kinds of who. what. where. when and why questions. lgueas you're all getting to that “I want to know" stage of was up. _ Well. you kids shouldn't worry so much about what the...
Show morejust listen! by“. N.“ Boy. you kids sure are curious little buggers lately. Professor Num- hitall has been getting all kinds of who. what. where. when and why questions. lgueas you're all getting to that “I want to know" stage of was up. _ Well. you kids shouldn't worry so much about what the grown-ups in Memorial hall are doing. i talked to them and they have everything planned out just right for you. If you're all good kids that make good choices you'll graduate in four years with 3.9 GPS's in business ad. ministration and computer science. Then you'll go to work for a big cor- poration that invests in South Africa. ln ﬁve years you‘ll realize what a great beneﬁt Augsburg was to you and you'll send $1001!) to the school so they can buy Culla's and knock it down. Is there anything else you need to know? I didn‘t think so. door non Dear Noa. I went to an out-state school so I'm too naive to know the difference. My roommate is real smart. She went to a Lake Conference high school and she thinks you‘re stupid. Why are you tenured? Wondering Dear Wooded-g: Just because your roommate went to a big high school doesn't necessarily mean she's smart. In fact. people at those large suburban schools are all spoiled rotten. undereducated. overdrugged brats. Of course you out-state kids are pretty naive. l. on the other hand. know a lot. I went to high school. college. got married. have kids and am a tenured profeSsor at a private college. 50 your roommate is stupid. not me. Tenure is a funny subject. 1 was once involved with a strict religious group. They didn't offer tenure. so I quit. l‘ve counseled some people who had marriage problems and drug problems. even problems with sex. These people weren't tenured. but John Mitchell is tenured. See what I mean. Tenure is a funny subject. l guess it doesn‘t matter how you get tenured. Al Kloppen is tenured. and he used to be a coach. Al. however. speaks Standard English. so that’s probably why he got tenured. Coaches who don‘t speak Standard English have a hard time getting tenured. That's why it pays to grow up in a poor alcoholic fatnin like mine and join a strict religious group (which I did). It was hard then. but it was worth it. I wouldn‘t trade my tenure for the Publisher's Clearing House grand prize. Take advanuge ofthe wealth of knowledge available from your Government The Us Government Pruiuu (M has just produced a net- catalog lt tells about .a . pvar_600m It’dan 150mm Valuablooommumty souroebook aai_______ XXX Co—edtlor C liri's Dykstra Court date set for Dykstra- Cress libel trial The trial date of former Echo co—editors Dan Cress And Chris Dykstra has finally been set for later this month. Cress and Dykstra are being sued by Augsburg Vice President Wayne Pederson and President Charles Anderson for “false representa tion“ and damages totaling 590.000. The administrators claim false representatrion in last year's humor issue. the huhn. “They made us look like a couple of asses.“ Pederson claimed. “Quite the contrary." Dykstra said. “We respectfully used photos of Chuck and Wayne‘s heads instead of their asses to avoid this sort of thing. Those guys are just a bunch of wet blankets." Why the 390.000 figure? “That‘s how much I paid for the grey house we tore down two weeks ago." explained Pederson. "l was acting under temporary in sanity when I agreed to give them that much money. and my condi- tion was due to the actions of these two irresponsible kids. I'm ashamed to admit they graduated from this college." he said. “Those guys are just a bunch of wet blankets," Dykstra maintain- faces by Lorne Green You are walking home late on a Fri- day night. The bars are closed. your jeans are wet. your eyes are red and your mouth tastes like the underside of an old mattress. Hey—you‘re feeling just right for a party at RHO. You stroll up to the door (the let Avenue entry) and are greeted by this most handsome fello“. The Rho Dog The Rho Dog stands erect on the porch 24 hours a day guar- ding the other inhabitants from nasty in» truders. “It‘s quite a job.“ said Rho Dog. "Some really \scnd pcuplc [H to get in here sometimes. One night. some guy front l‘rnt‘ss “Hit it talcnlns book and a clean shave actually thought he could come to lllt‘ |‘.Ill\. I just stared him down. He took off like a snouittun iit .i lllt‘ tliill,“ Rho Dog is a member of the t‘ldL‘T (‘arnimrzi faintly. Although he Is single. he hopes to find a nice looking canine to shine tht' pntcli nith some day. "There are a few good-looking ones 1“ some 0' [MC p.itlit~s. hnt nont' that I would want to lite With.“ said Rho. When asked about his friends at Rho. Rho Dog and. "| low L‘\('l\ one of them. They only ycll ill me on Sunday mornings. lilt‘\ l‘lll\ll Ill\ coat Wllh their skates. they iteyt'r llluht‘ lllt‘ clt'un the h.ithitmin and it I‘m good. they put it little 12 in my Llhll " Rho Dog is perhaps best known lot sitting [llt‘ Int-x nl his lllt'llti\ till the night of the house firt‘. “I put on my red hullddtld and tight iivutt the guys kin-ts lllt‘lt‘ \\.l\ trouble." said Rho Dog. Rho l)th plans in \l;t\ nut ycni when Illt‘ tit-w house menihcrs mom: in “Someonelt.is1ttltclit'tt‘ludiit-ttt-wnuni-to tht‘ party." said Rho. The editors are sorry to report that Rhn Dug was brutally tittiii‘lu-tl and murdered just after this interyii-w last weeks-nil. An H'A splint” group. Jocks for (.‘nd's Sake. t’lllllllt'd responsibility. saying Ilii- ting “promoted partying iill UH‘I’ the campus and besides. ht- dim-(I its to cross the line of sin so we killed hint." Mineral senii-i-s will he lit-ltl iii the Club. where it new drink called “our fully neighbor" will he dedicated to his memory. ﬂung" “WHAT DO I DO AFTER GRADUATION?" We don't care if you paint your hair blue. rip the sleeves off your shirt or pierce your ear. k "0 PINBALI. '- Augsburg! EARN $20 RE-ELECT Tony callon 9th Ward Council Member
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 06
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Senate comes up with ideas to solve stupid One of the more exciting topics of conversation this year has been the parking situation. The lack of parking spaces isn't new, but it was made more serious by the ad- dition of eight high quality tennis courts. During their ﬁnal meeting of the year,...
Show moreSenate comes up with ideas to solve stupid One of the more exciting topics of conversation this year has been the parking situation. The lack of parking spaces isn't new, but it was made more serious by the ad- dition of eight high quality tennis courts. During their ﬁnal meeting of the year, student senate spent several minutes creatively brainstorming solutions to the problem. One naive freshman suggested banning cars on campus. “Right, kid—and make all the faculty. staff and commuters walk?" hollered senate president Dan Parker at the stupid freshman. However, after contemplating the idea, Parker suggested, “Of course. we could require that everyone live and work on cam- pus. We could build dorms in Murphy Square and this would be like one big commune. This could also attract prospective students interested in alternative lifestyles,” he said. Sophomore Kiel Christianson suggested Augsburg knock down all the houses and buildings and make the campus into one big parking lot. Everyone could live in their cars and use radios to transmit lectures," he said. “This would even cut further un- necessary costs like heating and lighting. Or, better yet. everyone could transfer to the University and just use Augsburg for parking space." he said. Still others came up with the idea to build a ramp in top of Mortensen Tower. “Since we’ve received the definitive answer that Mort is, in fact, not sinking, a few Another stupid solution to the stupid parking problem is to open the tennis courts for student parking. extra pounds from a ramp certainA ly couldn‘t hurt,” replied Parker to the suggestion (Editor’s note: see “Confessions” this issue). The football ﬁeld would make an ideal place to park ifwe simply paved over the turf." said charter senate member Dave Johnson, who was attending the meeting for some good yuks. “This would save the football team from the embarrassment of getting slaughtered on their own field,” interjected Parker once again. “At least they could use the home field advantage excuse if all their games were on the road. Or better yet, maybe they should cancel the season. But that's another story." Ten-minute parking zones on all streets around the college would also help to alleviate the problem, insisted senior Pat Guernsey. “Call it musical cars. Moving cars could even replace alcohol as the favorite pasttime on the Augsburg campus," he of- fered. Kirk Pederson suggested, “The library might be a good place to park, if all the books were remov- ed. Who needs them anyway? 1 don‘t,” Pederson said. Anyone with better ideas is en- couraged to submit them to Wayne Pederson by yesterday. No late suggestions accepted. Millie’s crew breaks ground for building, Wold on hand to b Construction has begun on the new Communications/Drama Worship building and should be completed by the proposed fall l987 deadline if Millie‘s college center crew keeps up its furious pace over the hot summer months, according to sources. “We‘d had just about enough of this incessant waiting, so we just went ahead and broke ground." Nelson said. “I was shocked to discover at about 4:45 yesterday that “new building" hadn‘t been crossed off my Strawberry Shortcake things-to- do notepad. so I asked the boys to at least lay the foundation before they punched out at ﬁve o'clock," she said. “Those boys are helpful when you need them—they never complain." “It feels good to be out here sweating for my college," said Dan Aune. vice president-elect for student senate and a member of the crew. “My motto is, ask not what Augsburg can do for you. ask what you can do for Augsburg. I asked. and look at me now, carving my name in wet ce merit." . - - ~ less cornerstone . , Millie laid the cornerstone, Dave gave the blessing. Campus pastor Dave Wold sup— ported Nelson‘s decision to go ahead with construction. “1 sup- ported Millie’s decision to go ahead with construction," he said. Wold was on hand to bless the groundbreaking ceremony. Vice President for Development Jeanne Narum refused to attend the small ceremony. “If she so much as moves another inch of dirt. I’m going to fire her,” said Narurn. “I’ve got plans for a real bash when we go over the 5250 mark in fundraising. and she's spoiling it all.” Despite the threats, Nelson is determined to get the building built. “Someone's got to do it," she quipped. Students were basically apathetic about the quad rally. Massive apathy rally held; almost 10 attend by Stan Doofley “Huh.” commented Linda Schremp-Alberg. Director of Stu- dent Life, in response to a massive apathy rally held Sunday in Mur- phy Square. “These things happen,” she remarked in a recent interview. “I think that it’s becoming more ac- ceptable to participate in these rallies, and showing people what you really believe in. I’m really ex- cited about the spirit that’s com- ing back to the campus.” It was this same spirit that led eight people to form a rally that sunny Sunday afternoon in the Square. Scott Nagel, a senior who par- ticipated in the rally, in fact, the only member to bring a sign, was asked why he was showing his support, or lack thereof. “I dunno. . ." he demurred. He was then asked if this rally was expected to have an impact on the world. and as an expression of students’ views on issues such as NASA, Libyan terrorism, and the latest nuclear tragedy at Cher- nobyL “Yeah, I guess so . . stated. He was then questioned if this rally was a call to other students, other colleges, and other countries to unite and show their concern for world issues and their power to change them. Before responding, Scott had ." he strolled off to the game room. “I think this is terrible,” remarked Dwayne Matthews, leader of Augsburg‘s lnCAR Chapter, also watching the rally. “1 don‘t think these people should be allowed to make a mockery of demonstrations. An apathy rally. That‘s just great. It's these people who are controlling the world right now. I feel like punching ’em out, but I would probably get ar- rested.” More than 500 people were ex- pected at the rally. but according to rally organizer Troy Balcer, “I guess they didn't show up." “Probably a good game on TV . . he continued. “l‘ll probably watch the end of it a little later myself." He wasn‘t disappointed about the rally, however. “I got the guys from Miriam out here for a while." he recounted. “I told them that if they'd walk in two straight lines and carry picket signs and chant, I'd buy them a keg. You never saw a house clear out so fast. Turned out they couldn't walk a straight line," Troy mused. “They had promise, though." he went on. “After a while, they all took naps on the grass. so we arranged them into a big ‘A' (for apathy or Augsburg; you mention one and talk about the other). People loved it. Those Miriam guys made a great lawn display. They always do." senate update This is supposed to be a student senate update. There is not a whole lot to update you on, but then again there is Kirk Pederson. Pederson is where the news is at. Pederson recently was elected president of USAPCS (the United States Association of Private Col- lege Students). According to former president D.P. Parkerson. the organization has a lot of potential. Pederson is involved in a wide range of Augsburg activities in ad- dition to USAPCS. “Augsburg students should be proud of our Pederson. His extra-curﬁarlar ac- tivities prove his dedication to Augburg," stated political science professor Milda Hedblom, Pederson was elected President of USAPCS after serving three short months on the local chapter of MAPCS (the Minnesota Association of Private College Students). He served as Vice President of External Affairs. Pederson’s responsibilities will include communicating with all of the 515 private colleges in the United States. When asked if his new responsibilities will take from his studies, Pederson said, “Oh, I guess my studies will lack a little bit, but I'm pretty laid back when it comes to studying. Besides, I‘m pretty intelligent, so I don't have tostudyasmuchasmostpeople." 0 Happy Hour all the time.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 07
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Jacobs takes over ALC, plans to sell off Augsburg Minnesota financier Irwin Jacobs has announced that he has completed a successful takeover bid for the American Lutheran Church (ALC). The takeover means that the proposed merger between the ALC, the LCA (The Lutheran Church in America) and the...
Show moreJacobs takes over ALC, plans to sell off Augsburg Minnesota financier Irwin Jacobs has announced that he has completed a successful takeover bid for the American Lutheran Church (ALC). The takeover means that the proposed merger between the ALC, the LCA (The Lutheran Church in America) and the AELC (Association of Evangelical Lutheran Churches) has been called off. Jacobs says that he now owns 51 percent of the stock and has proxy rights to 40 percent, putting him in ﬁrm control of the Minnesota-based ecumenical body. Jacobs, who admits that he does not even go to church, said that the ALC will become the religion division of his Minstar corporation. Jacobs plans to spin off nonprofitable holdings of the ALC, such as Augsburg College, to insure that church collections will go to more profitable ven- tures. The scaled-down church will provide spiritual help for Minstar in its efforts to take over other corporations such as lTT, Disney and Pabst. Besides all of the divine help, the ALC acquisi- tion is expected to provide Jacobs with a huge tax shelter. Jacobs states that after he, Carl Pohlad and Fran Tarkenton pur- chase the Vikings and the Metrodome, he will close the Twin Cities area Lutheran churches and hold Sunday services in the dome. “We should have a hell of a choir,” said Jacobs, “and we are hoping that this will give us a ready-made crowd for Vikings games. With 60,000 on their knees praying for the Vikes, we’ll get to the Superbowl for sure." While keeping the church head- quarters in Minneapolis, Jacobs says that he does plan to sell the Church’s valuable downtown pro~ perty and move the headquarters to a new building. “I’ve been looking for something to do with that old Grain Belt Brewery for a long time," Jacobs stated. “The old place sort of looks like a church right now. We will just put a new coat of paint on it and a cross on the top and it will be the perfect place for a church head- quarters.” Wall Street analysts say that while the ALC acquisition sent the stock prices of the other Lutheran churches plummeting, they think that Jacobs may have started something. The United Methodist Church reported a gain of six points, while the Moral Majority went up 12 points, as other church takeover rumors circulated in the New York and American Stock exchanges. Everybody knows how much use the restrooms get after 10 or 12 beers in a hot tub. Chuck Anderson had a great idea to spice up the staff ’5 monthly Gather ’Round meeting. Here’s a few of the furtsters, with a con» ple party crashers. Chuck’s the one with the relieved look on his face. Gentlemen beware: feminists lash out Incidents of violence are ap- pearing on campus as militant feminists are starting to respond offensively to a number of gentlemanly courtesies offered by various male students and pro- fessors. Sophomore Jeff Morgan was treated Saturday for minor scrat- ches and abrasions after his date, Julie McNamara, decked him with the door of Morgan's 71 Pinto as he attempted to open it for her. “I wuz just gonna open thuh door for her, ‘cuz it's like thuh nice thing to do. and then—booml—she canned me on my ass,” he said. “Open the door for ME will he I can open my OWN door that big male chauvinist CREE? I wish I could nail him AGAIN boy if he EVER tries to do that to me again," McNamara rambled despite attempts to question her. Elsewhere on campus, Pro- fessor Don Warren was shoved through an open doorway by co» worker Lisa Woodruff, to whom he had offered ﬁrst entry. Mr. Warren amazed the ofﬁce staff with his “falling oak” entrance, but only suffered broken glasses. “I didn‘t think she had it in her," Warren said. “I didn’t think my SON could do that to me. “I think what is happening is a result of a lot of cumulative frustration on the part of many women here," continued Warren, back in his ofﬁce after collecting his senses. “These women are Odaa okay desperately longing to be regarded as superior, or at least equal, to me. but it seems that the men are just not open to this message, at least by conventional methods," Warren speculated. “As a result, these frustrated women are responding in more overt man- ners, such as Mr. Morgan getting his, well, you know, canned.” In another reported case, a freshman, whose name is being withheld because he is a minor, was pinned behind a door that he had opened for Lyda Morehousc, Heidi Randen and noted feminist Margaret Rog. After pinning him, Randen repeatedly kicked his shins, Morehouse “beat the crap out of Julie McNamara, Lisa Waodruff and L yda Morehouse aren ’t pactfists when it comes to dealing with male chauvinists, him” according to an onlooker, and Rog denounced him from moral and social standpoints. “She also got in a few good shots,” security booth worker Glen Quanbeck testified. “I thought about calling the police— they haven’t seen a good ﬁght for weeks.” “There's really no saying how long this pattern of behavior will last,” commented Dr. Richard Marken of the Psychology Department. “Hopefully it will pass before I get canned on my, well, you know.” President Charles Anderson was not available for comment, although there are reports that “he’s walking kind of funny late< 825 Nicolle! Mall 65‘ , S 200 Maggeapohs MN raft c 55402 In 612/338-5343 Ken Comellus Design your own ring Your own individually styled engagement ring and wedding ring. 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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 08
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: SfLOftS Vikes draft Augustine, Zipps job in question l Kt-vm “Big Bird" Augustine In a surprise move, the Min- nesota Vikings chose Augsburg basketball star Kevin Augustine as the first pick in the NFL draft. To acquire the first pick, the Vikings' General Manager Mike Lynn trad- ed Tommy Kramer,...
Show moreSfLOftS Vikes draft Augustine, Zipps job in question l Kt-vm “Big Bird" Augustine In a surprise move, the Min- nesota Vikings chose Augsburg basketball star Kevin Augustine as the first pick in the NFL draft. To acquire the first pick, the Vikings' General Manager Mike Lynn trad- ed Tommy Kramer, Anthony Carter, and the rest of their picks in the draft to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “We feel Augustine is well worth the price we paid for him,” Lynn said. “i know I‘m going to be secondgucssed about this choice, but I am convinced Augustine will help this team in the years to come, and if nothing else he should strengthen out off— season basketball squad that travels around the state." The 6‘ 9“ Augustine, a fifth )car senior, will play quarterback for the Vikings, according to head coach Jerry Burns. Augustine was asked how much football experienct he has had. “l‘\e never picked tip a football in my life,” he said. “But I‘m not too \iortied about that, I‘ve never picked up a book either and i might graduate from college." This brings up the question why l, was a labor of [are when Mark Fursrenbetg and Carol Ross set records or the .WIA broke a hip after the full—speed the Vikings and everyone else fail- ed to draft Augustine last year when he was eligible. “Who knows?” Lynn said. “But we've got him now, and we’re real hap- py.” Lynn added that if you have a 6' 9” quarterback, you really don't have to draft offensive linemen. “You just put Augustine in the shotgun and he’ll be able to see the whole field. He doesn’t need protection," he said. Scouts for the Vikings said they discovered Augustine playing a pickup game of basketball at Augsburg. The scouts said they don't bother watching Augsburg football because they know the real athletes play intramurals. In fact the Vikings had their eye on lM star Tom Henke but discovered he had an attitude problem. Sid Hartman. a writer for the Echo's main competitor. said his close personal friend Bobby Knight thinks this is a great move for the NFL. “It‘s about time the NFL recognized where the real athletes are," Knight said. “I‘ve never heard of this Augustine kid, but I guess he could block kicks for them or something." Augustine is not even sure if he can play for the Vikings in 1986. “Money is not the problem for me," Augustine said “I don‘t know if i can get time off from my job as delivery boy at Zipp‘s Li- quors." Even if Augustine doesn‘t play. this has opened the door for the Augsburg lM athlete. Bill Hunstock, Augsburg‘s new foot- ball eoach, reported he has already lost his top recruits to the 1M flag football program. “Coach Kloppen said this might happen, Hunstock said. cidence. Steroids no good k Mick Scholl, Andrea Puline and Nate Nt‘stler. Small heads a coin- Drake gets really fat The use of steroids on campus is more widespread than previously thought, and up to 70 percent of all athletes at Augsburg may use them. said Nate Nistler, weight- room regular, while admiring himself in a full-length mirror last week. According to Nistler, only the football team does not have a problem with steroids, an illegal drug many athletes use to increase their muscle capacity and bulk. “Just look at those guys," he said of the gridders. “They're wimps. No wonder they‘re rotten." Dave Drake. a former linebacker, confirmed that he was one of the few football players to bulk up artifically. “I tried to talk people into it,“ he said, “but they're wimps." Former coach Al Kloppen in- sisted that nobody on the team used any type of drug. “I know Dave did for a while,” he said, “but we had him stop. We found out that steroids adversely affect the brain. You can tell that nobody used them. Look at our record. We were rotten." in other sports at Augsburg, steroid use is more of a problem. Said Nistler: “Some of those women have hair on their chests. Ick." Apparently, baseball‘s Mick C track meet. Unfortunately for the two lovers, Ross col/Mort. Furstertberg has been in the fetal position since the crash. Scholl is one of the athletes with a fake body, although he won’t ad- nut It. “No way." said Scholl. who has gained 37 pounds in the last year-and-a-half. "Those things go right to your stomach. Just look at Drake." Nistler says he has seen dealing going on in the weight room. Athletes meet in the facility, and the transaction is made. Then they leave. Very few stay for condition~ tng. “They all go reeﬁn‘ at Rho." he said. Athletic director Ed Saggystcad wasn't sure what to make of the problem. “I don’t know. Mick sure beefed up in a hurry, but it seemed to help him. On the other hand. Drake just got plain fat. Then there's Kevin Augustine. I hear he took some bad shit, and now he looks like that bird on Sesame Street. But he's a Viking now." The drugs seemed to have helped the teams this year, as only the non-using football team was boney enough to embarrass the school. The women‘s teams were even respectable. But nobody can ﬁgure out what is gained by non- athletes' use of steroids. “You‘d think that Robert Wolf guy could stop taking steroids," said Drake. “He‘s ruined enough shirts already. What he needs is his own cowl Shit, have you seen that guy drink milk?" Paul Stasica. a sophomore foot- ball player who is onc of the few meaty men who hasn’t used steroids, competently summarized the problem. “I‘ll take 'em all on! I work my ass off to get my women, and those guys just pop some pills. Underneath, they're really wimps. Somebody’s got to clean up this school, and l'm willing to wear the white hat. I‘ve got real muscles. Want to touch them?" Either clean it up, Stasica sug- gestcd, or start the football team on its own steroid program. “God knows nothing else has worked," he said. [at “my. Bum: Hamlin<30 AUGSBL’RG 15
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 09
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo [Yukko] May 16, 1986, Page 10
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
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