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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-8
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Vv we OPININO BE WARNED OF THY SANCTITY, FEAR NEW TECHNOLOCICK! HARK, AND LEND THINE EARS TO AX TALE OF MARVEL AND WOE, FOR THE MARVELS OF TECHNOLOGCICK DOTH HOLD SWAY OVER OUR LIVES, YET ITS SHADOWY PERILS DOTH LURK IN ITS WAKE. ‘TIS TRUE, FOR WHILST THE FRUITS OF INNOVATION DOST PROMISE EASE...
Show moreVv we OPININO BE WARNED OF THY SANCTITY, FEAR NEW TECHNOLOCICK! HARK, AND LEND THINE EARS TO AX TALE OF MARVEL AND WOE, FOR THE MARVELS OF TECHNOLOGCICK DOTH HOLD SWAY OVER OUR LIVES, YET ITS SHADOWY PERILS DOTH LURK IN ITS WAKE. ‘TIS TRUE, FOR WHILST THE FRUITS OF INNOVATION DOST PROMISE EASE AND CONVENIENCE, THEY OFT BRINGETH NAUGHT BUT TURMOIL AND CHAOS. BEHOLD THE SCOURGE OF ADDICTION THAT DOTH PLAGUE US ALL! WE ARE ENSNARED BY THE SIREN CALL OF SCREENS, FOREVER ENTRANCED BY THE FLICKERING GLOW OF SOCIAL MEDIX AND ENDLESS STREAMS OF ENTERTAINMENT. GONE ARE THE DAYS OF CONTEMPLATION AND IDLE REVERIE, REPLACED BY AN INSATIABLE HUNGER FOR CONSTANT STIMULATION. OUR MINDS, ONCE SHARP AND FOCUSED, NOW WANDER AIMLESSLY IN THE DIGITAL ABYSS. AND WHAT OF THE MALADY KNOWN AS “FOMO,” THAT DREAD SPECTRE THAT HAUNTS OUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT? ‘TIS BORN OF THE FALSE PROPHETS OF SOCIAL MEDIA, WHO PEDDLE ILLUSIONS OF PERFECTION AND HAPPINESS. WE COMPARE OUR LIVES TO THE CAREFULLY CRAFTED FACADES OF OTHERS, FEELING EVER MORE INADEQUATE IN THEIR SHADOW. LONELINESS AND DESPAIR BECOME OUR CONSTANT COMPANIONS IN THIS WORLD OF FILTERED REALITY. 8 ECHO APRIL 2024 Peretheus Bartelthomew heretic BUT 'TIS NOT ONLY OUR SOULS THAT SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF TECHNOLOCICK, FOR OUR LIVELIHOODS TOO ARE IMPERILED. THE MARCH OF AUTOMATION AND ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE HERALDS A NEW AGE OF UNCERTAINTY, WHERE MACHINES SUPPLANT THE TOIL OF MAN. JOBS VANISH LIKE MORNING MISTBEFORETHESUN, LEAVING NAUGHT BUT DESPAIR IN THEIR WAKE. THE CAP 'TWIXT "GONE ARE THE DAYS OF CONTEMPLATION AND IDLE REVERIE, REPLACED BY AN INSATIABLE HUNGER FOR CONSTANT STIMULATION. OUR MINDS, ONCE SHARP AND FOCUSED, NOW WANDER AIMLESSLY IN THE DIGITAL ABYSS". KINGS AND PEASANTS WIDENS EVER MORE, A GAPING CHASM THAT THREATENS TO SWALLOW US WHOLE. PRIVACY, ONCE CHERISHED AS A SACRED RIGHT, HATH BECOME A RELIC OF A BYGONE ERA. OUR EVERY MOVE IS WATCHED, CATALOGQUED AND SOLD TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER. WE ARE BUT PAWNS IN THE GAME OF DATA, MANIPULATED AND EXPLOITED FOR PROFIT. ‘TIS A FAUSTIAN BARGAIN WE HAVE STRUCK, TRADING OUR FREEDOM FOR THE ILLUSION OF CONVENIENCE. AND L€T US NOT FORGET THE SCOURGE OF MISINFORMATION THAT PLAGUES THE LAND. FALSEHOODS AND HALF- TRUTHS SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE THROUCH THE DIGITAL REALM, SOWING DISCORD AND CONFUSION AT EVERY TURN. TRUTH ITSELF BECOMES BUT A FLEETING SHADOW, LOSTAMIDST THE CACOPHONY OF LIES. YET, AMIDST THIS DARKNESS, THERE REMAINS A GLIMMER OF HOPE. WE NEED NOT BE SLAVES TO TECHNOLOGICK’'S WHIMS, FOR WE ARE THE MASTERS OF OUR OWN DESTINY. LET US RECLAIM OUR HUMANITY, CASTINGASIDE THE SHACKLES OF ADDICTION AND RECLAIMING OUR TIME FOR MORE NOBLE PURSUITS. LET US DEMAND ACCOUNTABILITY FROM THOSE WHO WOULD PROFIT FROM OUR SUFFERING, AND STRIVE TO BUILD A WORLD WHERE TECHNOLOGCICK SERVES THE NEEDS OF ALL, RATHER THAN THE DESIRES OF A FEW. $O LET US RAISE OUR VOICES IN DEFIANCE, AND SAY UNTO THE POWERS THAT BE: WE SHALL NOT BE SWAYED BY THY FALSE PROMISES, NOR COWED BY THY SHADOWY MACHINATIONS. FOR WE ARE THE GUARDIANS OF OUR OWN FATE, AND WE SHALL NOT REST UNTIL THE PERILS OF TECHNOLOGICK ARE VANQUISHED ONCE AND FOR ALL OR MY NAME IS NOT PERCY FARTBELT. (TRANSLATED USING CHATGPT)
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-9
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New Candidate on 2024 Ballot is Just as As if our options couldn’t get any worse for the upcoming 2024 election between Trump and Biden yet again, a very “pupular” third- party candidate has thrown his hat into the ring — or rather, his collar. That’s right, a French Bulldog named Jimmy Squibbs,...
Show moreNew Candidate on 2024 Ballot is Just as As if our options couldn’t get any worse for the upcoming 2024 election between Trump and Biden yet again, a very “pupular” third- party candidate has thrown his hat into the ring — or rather, his collar. That’s right, a French Bulldog named Jimmy Squibbs, a previously running mayor from Ohio, has declared on March 1 that he is running for President and has been privately funding his presidential campaign through “multiple outlets,” as described by _ his political team. Inspired by another dog in politics, Mayor Duke from Cormorant, MN, Squibbs has been a very vocal and open politician, participating in as many campaigns as he possibly can. However, | don’t mean that in a good way. Squibbs may seem like a fair option, far better than the other two, but that’s not to say that he doesn’t have his own shortcomings and even shocking controversies. Squibbs isn’t exactly the most professional of the candidates — though that can be argued — when regarding his Presidential campaign slogan: “I Got That Dog in Me.” Yeah, sure, it’s funny and is relatable to younger voters, especially with new Gen Zers registering to vote, but is that really the kind of message we want to be showing as a country? “Ruff” as Others Percy Bartelt tayana's arch nemesis Doing things “for the bit?” Didn’t think this would be a hot take, but | prefer to have my politicians with formality and a strong sense of professionalism when facing the public! Apparently that’s too much to ask from all parties these days... Now, to get into Squibbs' long list of controversies. In 2017, Squibbs was fully tried and convicted of first-degree robbery of multiple banks around the Columbus, Ohio area. Wouldn’t you think that would keep him from running for President? Well, Trump seems to do just fine, but Squibbs has apparently found a way to weasel his way through office. There are rumors and alleged whistleblowers from within Squibbs’ teams and offices about bribery of lawyers, archivists and judges. Though nothing has been confirmed it’s still damning nonetheless. How can | trust anything Squibbs has to say as a potential voter or supporter? Not only that, but he’s also gotten into his fair share of senseless online debates with celebrities such as Elon Musk, Dua Lipa, and even Hank Green of all people! He even started Twitter — sorry, | mean X — beef with me, posting “percy bartelt? more like percy FARTBELT AM | RIGHT???” Squibbs has no moral standpoint, he backs on his word and says "Squibbs isn’t exactly the most professional of the candidates — though that can be argued — when regarding his Presidential campaign slogan: “1 Got That Dog in Me.” one thing and means another. You cannot trust a word that man says. | find it both terrifying and amusing that he’s garnered a_ political following somehow, and I’m willing to bet that he’s just doing all of this for fun — something to laugh about when he’s older: an “I ran for President once!” sort of deal. And what’s terrifying... people are buying into his campaign! He’s almost doubled the expected voter turnout compared to his rivals, Trump and Biden. So, people actually believe his campaign, his promises to give every dog in America their own steak dinners, to befriend every mailman he sees and he wants to take over France for some reason? But that’s a whole different story. In the end, | fear for our future if and when we have our new Pres. Squibbs. Gods save America. APRIL 2024 ECHO 9
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-6
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[INSERT TITLE HERE] Photo of Echo office looking messy...seriously look at this mess | can’t even tell who the picture is of past the mess, taken by Abi Hilden on Mar. 28 The Echo — Augsburg University’s Student how | loathe thee. | mean they have Produced Newspaper — absolutely nothing going for...
Show more[INSERT TITLE HERE] Photo of Echo office looking messy...seriously look at this mess | can’t even tell who the picture is of past the mess, taken by Abi Hilden on Mar. 28 The Echo — Augsburg University’s Student how | loathe thee. | mean they have Produced Newspaper — absolutely nothing going for them. | mean what kind of name is “The Echo,” like what even is that?! A sound?! Not even, it’s the sound of a sound, you losers. Now, | know many of you probably aren’t aware of this wee little paper group — perhaps it’s too niche of a subject — so allow me to paint you a little picture. Imagine this, you havea jam-packed schedule of classes, homework and unwanted socializing. However, between all of this you have forty minutes of chapel time. Normally you’d head to your dorm to relax, maybe grab a bite, but you happen to be friends with one of the Echo lunatics that insists on you coming 6 ECHO APRIL 2024 Tayana Osuna hater of arts to their general meeting on this After much begging, and several tears, lovely Thursday morning. you agree to the peasants’ wishes. Upon arrival, you are thrown into unbearable awkward silence that | wouldn’t wish upon anyone! Not only that, but the chairs — okay, | need a moment — okay — the chairs, my god, WHY DO NONE OF THEM MATCH?!?! | mean how do they live like that?? On top of that none of them are organized?! It could not be more unclear as to where to sit! This sorry mistake of an office is covered from head to toe in criminally uncomfortable chairs and ugly brown boxes of their own Which, about that, no one take them or something?? issues. does This should have been my warning. No one must be reading them or paying them any mind. Explains why they live so haphazardly. One of them even claimed she was “still organizing them, | swear!” Though, it looked more like her attention next was more targeted at her piercing appointment, smh. Plus, this paper organization must be at fault for the deforestation of our entire nation at this rate! Definitely not corporations or capitalism or anything. Their chairs and crimes are not the worst thing, surprisingly. Frankly, | wish they were because boy oh boy, you might want to sit down for this. There is a monster among them. Well, Nonetheless, | more like a goblin. wish | had never laid eyes upon such a devilish fiend. Percy Fartbelt, how | regret meeting thee. The moment you entered the room your greasy hair and vicious eyes told me what you were. | wouldn’t trust him for a second if | were you, dear reader. His stature may appear adorable — you know given that he’s so short and all — but beware of his might, for he can annihilate you at any given moment if he wishes. The moment we locked eyes, he 100% he said to me, said — and this is actual factual — “Your piercings make you look gay, probs why your mom doesn’t love you.” HE SAID THAT TO ME, STRAIGHT TO MY FACE, NO HESITATION!! | MEAN WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT??!! NO ONE, BECAUSE HE’S NOT HUMAN! My is he’s from some place called theory Jerkmania where everyone is child sized and a film major. How sad of a planet, no wonder he moved. Other than that the meetings are They talk about current events and bully fine. share pitches, Percy, it’s kind of a vibe.
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-5
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Marines vs. Space Force Match on Mars is an Ill-Fated Encounter In a heartbreaking event last March 25, Military Academy (Zara, Mars), the United States Marines and the United States Space Force clashed Monday, at the Zara in the first interplanetary football game. What started as a friendly...
Show moreMarines vs. Space Force Match on Mars is an Ill-Fated Encounter In a heartbreaking event last March 25, Military Academy (Zara, Mars), the United States Marines and the United States Space Force clashed Monday, at the Zara in the first interplanetary football game. What started as a friendly competition quickly escalated into a cosmic hell. The dubbed the “first interstellar sports game,” drew a match, crowd of over 10,000 spectators. Some famous faces from Earth made appearances, such as Elon Musk, who is currently working on his SpaceX trip to the center of the Earth. Musk invited the Echo’s own Percy Fartbelt to watch the game from his box, with Percy remarking that he’s “actually not that bad of a guy if you get to know him.” From the start of the game, it was evident that this match would be perilous due to the interplanetary war with Spain. With the Martian terrain and lower gravitational pull adding a different atmosphere to the game, both teams had to readapt their strategies and equipment. The Marines, known for being the jocks, clashed head-on with the Space Force, who brought their cutting- edge technology of cheerleader D’artagnan Johnson just some guy attractant to the field. As the game progressed, tensions ran high, and the score was tied heading into the final quarter. But just when it seemed like the the unthinkable happened. In a flash of light from the game was over, sky, one by one the Marines started transforming into Taylor Swift fans. Chaos erupted as everyone grappled with what Spain did. The Marines, now all wearing concert apparel, streaked across the field with a flurry of fists. All of a sudden, they all clamored to check the football scores back on earth. With their quick lapse in judgment, security scrambled to end the chaos by waving fake money and nut goodie bars, a delicacy in Minnesota, while the military speculated about the cause of the metamorphosis. Amidst the chaos the game ground to a halt and it soon became apparent that they meant no harm. Ina gesture of sportsmanship, the game was set to a tie. Questions still remain about the nature of Spain's intent. Is this due to the rumors that Travis Kelce is a Russian spy who is trying to establish a new intergalactic war with the dictatorship of Spain in the East? One thing is for certain: “The Marines, known for being the jocks, clashed head-on with the Space Force, who brought their cutting-edge technology of cheerleader attractant to the field.” the interstellar game will go down in history as a testament to the unifying power of cult mentality. Unfortunately the next Space Force academy game at the coast guard has been postponed due to their home field, originally stationed on the Black Pearl oil rig, being heavily damaged in a bout with the kraken. If the Marines are able to transform back into their usual jock selves, they will be set to face off against their bitter rival, the Navy. The Navy has also moved their home turf to open waters. They play their home games the §.S8. home to the only aircraft carrier with a football field. on Shenanigan, APRIL 2024 ECHO 5
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-7
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Artist Spotlight: Echo Froehling Goo goo ga goo, goo ga da, doo da da. Ba ba goo ga, gaba goo, doo ba. Da ba goo, ga da boo, doo da. Gaba boo pp percy, poo percy, doo doo gaba goo percy. Goo goo da ga poo. Boo boo goo doo, gaba doo doo. Baba goo. “The Bright Side” Acrylic on paper “Winter’s...
Show moreArtist Spotlight: Echo Froehling Goo goo ga goo, goo ga da, doo da da. Ba ba goo ga, gaba goo, doo ba. Da ba goo, ga da boo, doo da. Gaba boo pp percy, poo percy, doo doo gaba goo percy. Goo goo da ga poo. Boo boo goo doo, gaba doo doo. Baba goo. “The Bright Side” Acrylic on paper “Winter’s Coming” Acrylic on paper “Going Nuts” Acrylic on paper Photo of Echo Froehling “Frosty’s Revenge” Acrylic on paper “Shot in the Heart” Acrylic on paper APRIL CO) I uch love 2024 “UL (G5 (8 — ECHO 7
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‘1D C 4 N LSI || =) The Augsburg football team is set ‘wena to take on the Alabama Crimson wemmmny Fide on Sept. 7 in a rare division f \) one versus division three matchup. It will be a home game for the , Auggies under the lights at 7 p.m. Ye The Auggies finished their previous (4-4 in MIAC The...
Show more‘1D C 4 N LSI || =) The Augsburg football team is set ‘wena to take on the Alabama Crimson wemmmny Fide on Sept. 7 in a rare division f \) one versus division three matchup. It will be a home game for the , Auggies under the lights at 7 p.m. Ye The Auggies finished their previous (4-4 in MIAC The Alabama Crimson Tide season 6-4 overall — play). | | |) finished with an overall record Ss) of 12-2 with an 8-0 record in the '/ “™ SEC. With that said, it looks like a daunting task for the Auggies. However, the Tide might not necessarily roll through Augsburg unscathed. Head coach of the Auggies, Darren Lamker, remarked that this would be a good challenge for his team, and he thinks that this may be a closer game than some people are anticipating. After the departure of Nick Saban, Alabama has been looking for a new identity. Kalin DeBoer, their new head coach, has lost many players to the transfer portal which has left him with a skeleton of what his former team looked like under Nick Saban. Some starters for the Crimson Tide remain such as they're starting quarterback Jalen Milroe, but largely the team is unproven. The Auggies on the other hand have many starters returning. One new starter for the Auggies is junior Percy Fartbelt, who will be kicking off his college football career with the game. This will definitely be a prove it game for their new head coach and the team as a whole. Pat McAfee on his show, The Pat 4 ECHO APRIL 2024 Kevin Grundhoffer doesn't even go here McAfee Show, remarked that this could be an instant classic based on the matchup on paper. He said that ball as effectively as they have in if the Auggies can run the the past, then they should win this game. He touched on the past play of the Augsburg offensive line and said that it will be interesting to see if Alabama's defensive line can hold their ground against the massive front five of the Auggies. When asked about the matchup on Get Up on ESPN, Shannon Sharpe said, three and division one “The gap between division is not as far as one may think.” Sharpe has the lower divisions of college football seeing as he played his college ball at division two Savannah State in plenty of knowledge about Georgia. Steven A. Smith agreed, saying, taken lightly.” This is not a guarantee “Augsburg should not be that the Auggies can compete, but many of the experts agree that this is not an insurmountable task. If Nick Saban had not retired, no one would think this would be a game that head could think of scheduling but with coach Derrin Lamker the largely unproven Crimson Tide, the Auggies do have a chance. If you are planning on attending the game, tickets will go on sale on Aug. 1 and will sell out quickly. Alabama fans travel well and there is limited capacity at Edor Nelson Field. The gates open at 6 a.m. and the first 5,000 people will get T-shirts with Percy Fartbelt’s face on them to Auggies Take on the Tide in Historic Match Up commemorate the historic match up. If you're unable to attend in person, College GameDay will also be live on ESPN. Please come out for broadcasting the game an exciting day at Augsburg and potentially see the matchup of the year. “He touched on the past play of the Augsburg offensive line and said that it will be interesting to see if Alabama's defensive line can hold their ground against the massive front five of the Auggies.”
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Trump and Biden Have Been Married This Whole Time Paul Ellertson boy genius According to critically acclaimed political scientist Percy Fartbelt, the biggest reason Trump and Biden are always bickering so intensely and cannot seem to get away from each other in the Presidential races is because...
Show moreTrump and Biden Have Been Married This Whole Time Paul Ellertson boy genius According to critically acclaimed political scientist Percy Fartbelt, the biggest reason Trump and Biden are always bickering so intensely and cannot seem to get away from each other in the Presidential races is because they are married. That’s right, they are a married couple. News broke after their so-called “wives” admitted they are paid actors and spilled the beans on X, formerly Twitter. Biden and Trump got married way back in the 1980s when Trump was trying to start his first businesses and Biden was just a young senator from Delaware, according to an article from Fartbelt. They met at a bar and instantly hit it off when Biden started in with argument topics. A few hours later, they were both kicked out of the bar for their screaming and berating of each other. They started meeting up at least once a week the same thing would happen and the rest is history. This marriage-like arguing would then escalate during the 2020 presidential debate; very similar to the first one where Trump was rambling and Biden said “will you just shut up man!” and both guys would find themselves being kicked out of wherever they were. Also during the 2020 presidential race, Biden confronted his hubby and said “Hey, you did a bad job, let me have a try.” Trump then said “I have people who like me though.” Biden replied “Yes, but most people don’t like you.” This triggered another one of their lovely couples arguments. According to Fartbelt, the couple’s marriage had gotten even more heated during the years of Trump’s presidency. When Trump would do something rash and Biden would remind him, as a loving spouse reminds their partner, “I told you Photo of Donald Trump giving Joe Biden a good luck forehead kiss before a speech, taken by Shmump Cornwallow on =~ Feb. 31 | that wouldn’t work.” Trump would get so mad at his husband for these comments that he _ often took to venting on X about how annoying of a partner Biden was. Several months later, Biden won the election. Trump then accused him of cheating and threatened Biden with divorce unless Biden handed the election to him. Biden reminded Trump, “Look man, that’s not how democracy works.” Trump replied with “I don’t care!” and Biden just shook his head. The love bickering has continued throughout Biden’s presidency as well. Biden described Trump as being like an old fly buzzing around Biden saying, “See, | did so much better than you.” Biden has so far been trying to bat away the old fly, which has so far not been very effective. One night, Trump came to Biden and said, “I’m going to take the White House away from you.” Biden replied with, “Bring it on then, honey,” making the lovely couple the primary candidates for the upcoming 2024 elections once again. According to Fartbelt and NPR | a News, the most recent instance of — bickering was Trump accusing his husband of destroying America and cv calling him names like “Crooked f Joe.” Fartbelt, in an interview with the Echo, said that he “believes the WN name calling is to attract press [...] © and it’s an affectionate thing that most couples do, think pet names.” Sess Trump’s actions indicate that he¢ — is excited about the husband to husband rematch this November. wd — jJ WwW APRIL 2024 ECHO 3 ©
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FACTS Trump and Biden are Married SCHELSKE'D Marines vs. Space Force Auggies vs. the Tide PB&J [INSERT TITLE HERE] Fear New Technologick Dog President Artist Spotlight OPININOS 222272272222 Devil's Convocation Ask Elliot: FAQs AUGSBURG UNIVERSITY TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2024 VOLUME. CXXVII / ISSUE. XVI...
Show moreFACTS Trump and Biden are Married SCHELSKE'D Marines vs. Space Force Auggies vs. the Tide PB&J [INSERT TITLE HERE] Fear New Technologick Dog President Artist Spotlight OPININOS 222272272222 Devil's Convocation Ask Elliot: FAQs AUGSBURG UNIVERSITY TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2024 VOLUME. CXXVII / ISSUE. XVI C bec GASLIGHT. GATEKEEP. GIRLBOSS. AUGSBURG MOVES TO FOUR HOUSE MODEL § p< #NotHogwarts Photo of house crests(L to R): House of Weenaas, House of Pauly, House of Percy, and House of Sven Olivia Allery, tea spiller Since the news of Augsburg’s move to a five school model, recent buzzings from Administration and the Board of Regents suggest that this change is not innovative enough for Augsburg. Instead, another announcement has been made_ that Augsburg will be moving to a Four House Model, modeled after the Hogwarts School of Magic. According to President Paul Pribbenow in a quote to the Echo, “Throughout the entire Harry Potter franchise, you can see the great success of Hogwarts as a school, and how it has turned out some of the world’s most powerful and successful wizards.” Pribbenow continued by saying, “We want to make the best decision for our students and the university, and | think this new Four House Model will make Augsburg a real academic weapon for any dark magic that may befall this institution.” Pribbenow continued to explain that the four house model will be translated almost directly from Hogwarts houses of Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. However, the four houses of Augsburg will be the House of Sven, House of Percy, House of Pauly and House of Weenaas, after some of Augsburg’s most notable figures. “This model is still a work in progress,” assured Pribbenow. “We want this to be rolled out within the next few academic years, and we are deciding how much of SULUIES Abi Hilden The Main Character Elliot Hilden A Goofy Goober Yeah Christine Horner Plagued By Demons Anthonella Laurens Funny in Spanish Olivia Allergy *Allery Devin Schelske Little Fella Tayana Osuna In Your Walls Percy Bartelt Fartbelt Anna Hudak Politics Princess Salma Gelle Pretty AND Reliable Olivia Allery We'll Miss You Queen <3
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the model we can/want to adapt.” According to Pribbenow, the Four House Model has specific guidelines each institution must follow. Such as, all houses will require students to wear their designated house cloak and chain mail with their house crest and colors showing at all times, picked by the...
Show morethe model we can/want to adapt.” According to Pribbenow, the Four House Model has specific guidelines each institution must follow. Such as, all houses will require students to wear their designated house cloak and chain mail with their house crest and colors showing at all times, picked by the institution. These crests and colors include baby vomit green with the crest seal of Augsburg’s first president, August Weenaas, for the House of Weenaas. For the House of Percy, nice autumn sunrise with the crest seal of an angry bisexual with a nose ring. For the House of Pauly, salmon pink with the crest of a bowtie. Finally, for the house of Sven, reindeer brown with the crest of Sven the reindeer himself. Pribbenow continued to elaborate further on how~ the © sorting “There are multiple Buzzfeed and personality quizzes that must be completed, an obstacle course, and a recitation of each house's code of honor.’ process will be done for incoming students. “It’s a pretty rigorous sorting process,” stated Pribbenow. “There are multiple Buzzfeed and personality quizzes that must be completed, an obstacle course, and a recitation of each house's code of honor.” Pribbenow assured that an Augsburg inspired version of the sorting hat will make the official house assignment at the Fall Incoming Student Feast. One guideline in particular has been met with some backlash from Administration and the Board of Regents, fearing that it conflicts with Augsburg’s mission statement. ? This guideline being, one house must be the designated “evil” house and have beef with at least one if not all other houses. “In my opinion, | think all the guidelines are necessary,” explained Pribbenow. “I think this model will add to our sense of community for students, and generate a whole new type of Augsburg culture.” EVENTS: UPCOMING - Annual Turtle Race - Augsburg Satanists’' General Meeting Marshall Room, April 3 @ 12:00 a.m. - Auggie Eagle: Meet & Greet Kennedy Center Lobby, April 4 @ 6:00 p.m. Murphy Square, April 3 @ 3:00 p.m. - Echo General Meeting (this one's real please come <3) - Class-Skippers Society General Meeting Foss Bathroom, April 4 @ 12:00 p.m. - Beef. Food Lab, April 4 @ 4:30 p.m. - Shoe Tying Info Session East Commons, April 4 @ 6:00 p.m. Echo Office (Auggie’s Nest), April 4 @ 11:30 a.m. - House Sorting Prep Session Lindell Library, April 5 @ 10:00 a.m. - Socializing *Ominous Music* East Commons, April 5 @ 7:00 p.m. - Good Grades Ritual Student Lounge, April 6 @ 3:33 a.m. 2 ECHO APRIL 2024
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-10
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The Devil Builds Community With Convocation at Augsburg In an unanticipated turn of events, Satan recently made an appearance at Augsburg’s campus. He and a few hundred of his devoted followers gathered in Hoversten chapel earlier this month for his very first convocation at Augsburg. Needless to...
Show moreThe Devil Builds Community With Convocation at Augsburg In an unanticipated turn of events, Satan recently made an appearance at Augsburg’s campus. He and a few hundred of his devoted followers gathered in Hoversten chapel earlier this month for his very first convocation at Augsburg. Needless to say, this event was met with overwhelming opposition. After all, this is The Devil we’re talking about. He does have a reputation for being conniving, ruthless and bloodthirsty. However, my curiosity got the better of me, so | attended this event to see what all the fuss was about. Ironically, Satan’s convocation topic was “Building Community During Trying Times,” and he actually did adhere to this message throughout his speech. He was confident and articulate as he spoke about how important it is to cherish each other’s company and to listen to anyone and everyone openly despite our differences. He especially stunned the audience with his grace and eloquence as he _ discussed the Seven Fundamental Tenets of The Satanic Temple. The tenet that stood out to me the most was the first, which states, “One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.” This is quite the sentiment for a Hell-residing demon. What stunned me evenmorethan that tenet was the delicious concessions provided in the Chapel! The roasted sacrificial 10 ECHO APRIL 2024 Christine Horner definitely very neurotypical Photo of the Devil giving his convocation in Hoversten Chapel, taken by Christine Horner on March 5 (real) goat skewers with a-= spicy garlic sauce were incredible, and they paired perfectly with the cherry Kool-Aid. After a few sips, | strangely felt myself more inclined to give Satan a chance. Sure, he’s technically evil, but he was an angel at one point — an archangel to be exact. And yeah, he got kicked out of heaven for trying to dethrone God, but everyone makes mistakes. At the concession table, | ran into the Echo’s own Percy Fartbelt, long-time member of The Satanic Temple and founder and president of Augsburg’s Satanists Club. He explained to me the importance of this event, “This is huge. | can’t think of anyone as big as The Dark Lord himself coming all the way up from Hell to visit little ol’ Augsburg. | mean, he’s the G.O.A.T. Literally. Have you seen his hooves? Unreal. Also, the Satanists Club has been working on organizing this event for a few semesters, so it’s been a long time coming.” Fartbelt also responded _ to controversy surrounding the event, “Folks should give The Devil a chance. He’s not a bad guy — he’s just misunderstood.” When | asked him about the backlash surrounding the on- campus presence of his demonic club, he responded, “We’re not a cult.” | don’t remember bringing up cult accusations, but the clarification was appreciated nonetheless. Once l’d finished my second Kool-Aid, | felt woozy for some reason, so | made my way to the exit. Some of Satan’s followers were kind enough to walk me to my car, but | blacked out before we got to the parking lot. | woke up at home with fresh wounds on each of my palms, which is kind of weird because | don’t remember cutting them on anything. Regardless, | thoroughly enjoyed my time at The Dark Lord’s convocation and | cherish the memories | made there. | look forward to seeing The Devil again the next time he’s on my shoulder.
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-11
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Dear Augsburg populous, I’m bored. Every day | go to the inbox and every day | am bombarded with the same basic questions over and over and over again. Where’s your creativity? There are so many questions in the world and no one is asking the right ones! Thus, I have decided to grace you with...
Show moreDear Augsburg populous, I’m bored. Every day | go to the inbox and every day | am bombarded with the same basic questions over and over and over again. Where’s your creativity? There are so many questions in the world and no one is asking the right ones! Thus, I have decided to grace you with what | like to call the FAQs: Frankly, Awful Questions. I’m still undecided but | have to declare my major soon. How do / pick? Choosing a college major can be such a stressful time for many students. There are many schools of thought on the best way to make this life-defining decision, but in my opinion, no one is really getting it right. The actual best way to decide your major is to get a dart board, put different major options all over the board and go to town. Let fate be your guide, there’s no way it can go wrong! My friends hate my taste in music! What should | do? Well, my advice really depends on context here. Does your music taste actually suck? If it’s bad music, then your friends are right and you should just get better taste. Unless your music taste is Taylor Swift. In that case your friends are wrong and you should abandon them immediately. It may hurt now, but you'll learn to “Shake It Off.” ! feel so fonely here. How do / make friends in college? Making friends can be the “white whale” for many college students. Everywhere you turn it seems like everyone already has their Ask Elliot: FAQs Elliot Hilden nepo sibling groups and there’s no way to break into them. Luckily for you, | have the PERFECT friend for you. Our very own Opinions Editor Percy Fartbelt! Please, someone befriend the poor lad, he’s so, so lonely. ! really like this guy/girl/person/ car dealership inflatable How can! get them to notice me? First of all, are you sure you want their attention? Really, them? Okay, | guess | can’t talk you out of this. My best advice, at least while choking back the vomit, is to be yourself. The best way to get attention from anyone is to be confident and know yourself. It seems cliche, but — no, it is. man. ! failed my recent finsert class] test. What can |! do to get back on track? Well this one seems obvious to me. Drop out. Clearly, if you can fail one test, you aren’t cut out for college. Maybe it’s time to learn a trade or become an influencer. So there you have it, folks. | hope this is a lesson to you all about what NOT to ask in the future. Might want to call this one “Sleeping M-Ask Elliot” because it was a real snoozefest. Now, if you will excuse me, | must tend to something much more worth my time. Google is free, Elliot DO YOU HAVE A BURNING QUESTION ABOUT LIFE? NEED ADVICE? ASK ELLIOT! sftp. Ws L \ VW =}/\=) Jl APRIL 2024 IW SIN =) \ INLVY 2 4 Cc OMe EcHO 11
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-12
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Last Week's Answers (real) Mango . Daisy . Spring . Rain . Daffodil . Japan Persephone . Chicken BACK PAGE ' é AUGSBURG THE ECHO TOUR Opinions expressed in The Echo are those of the author and reflect those of staff, adminstration, faculty and the remainder of student body. If you read it, you...
Show moreLast Week's Answers (real) Mango . Daisy . Spring . Rain . Daffodil . Japan Persephone . Chicken BACK PAGE ' é AUGSBURG THE ECHO TOUR Opinions expressed in The Echo are those of the author and reflect those of staff, adminstration, faculty and the remainder of student body. If you read it, you agree with it. | don't know what to tell you. Why did you read it? Nobody made you. Who even reads physical newspapers anymore? Honestly this whole thing is just an attempt at keeping alive a dying form of media and it's kind of pathetic if you really think about it. 12 ECHO APRIL 2024 Submissions can be sent to echo@augsburg.edu Happy April Fool's Day!
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