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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-8
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Vv we OPININO BE WARNED OF THY SANCTITY, FEAR NEW TECHNOLOCICK! HARK, AND LEND THINE EARS TO AX TALE OF MARVEL AND WOE, FOR THE MARVELS OF TECHNOLOGCICK DOTH HOLD SWAY OVER OUR LIVES, YET ITS SHADOWY PERILS DOTH LURK IN ITS WAKE. ‘TIS TRUE, FOR WHILST THE FRUITS OF INNOVATION DOST PROMISE EASE...
Show moreVv we OPININO BE WARNED OF THY SANCTITY, FEAR NEW TECHNOLOCICK! HARK, AND LEND THINE EARS TO AX TALE OF MARVEL AND WOE, FOR THE MARVELS OF TECHNOLOGCICK DOTH HOLD SWAY OVER OUR LIVES, YET ITS SHADOWY PERILS DOTH LURK IN ITS WAKE. ‘TIS TRUE, FOR WHILST THE FRUITS OF INNOVATION DOST PROMISE EASE AND CONVENIENCE, THEY OFT BRINGETH NAUGHT BUT TURMOIL AND CHAOS. BEHOLD THE SCOURGE OF ADDICTION THAT DOTH PLAGUE US ALL! WE ARE ENSNARED BY THE SIREN CALL OF SCREENS, FOREVER ENTRANCED BY THE FLICKERING GLOW OF SOCIAL MEDIX AND ENDLESS STREAMS OF ENTERTAINMENT. GONE ARE THE DAYS OF CONTEMPLATION AND IDLE REVERIE, REPLACED BY AN INSATIABLE HUNGER FOR CONSTANT STIMULATION. OUR MINDS, ONCE SHARP AND FOCUSED, NOW WANDER AIMLESSLY IN THE DIGITAL ABYSS. AND WHAT OF THE MALADY KNOWN AS “FOMO,” THAT DREAD SPECTRE THAT HAUNTS OUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT? ‘TIS BORN OF THE FALSE PROPHETS OF SOCIAL MEDIA, WHO PEDDLE ILLUSIONS OF PERFECTION AND HAPPINESS. WE COMPARE OUR LIVES TO THE CAREFULLY CRAFTED FACADES OF OTHERS, FEELING EVER MORE INADEQUATE IN THEIR SHADOW. LONELINESS AND DESPAIR BECOME OUR CONSTANT COMPANIONS IN THIS WORLD OF FILTERED REALITY. 8 ECHO APRIL 2024 Peretheus Bartelthomew heretic BUT 'TIS NOT ONLY OUR SOULS THAT SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF TECHNOLOCICK, FOR OUR LIVELIHOODS TOO ARE IMPERILED. THE MARCH OF AUTOMATION AND ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE HERALDS A NEW AGE OF UNCERTAINTY, WHERE MACHINES SUPPLANT THE TOIL OF MAN. JOBS VANISH LIKE MORNING MISTBEFORETHESUN, LEAVING NAUGHT BUT DESPAIR IN THEIR WAKE. THE CAP 'TWIXT "GONE ARE THE DAYS OF CONTEMPLATION AND IDLE REVERIE, REPLACED BY AN INSATIABLE HUNGER FOR CONSTANT STIMULATION. OUR MINDS, ONCE SHARP AND FOCUSED, NOW WANDER AIMLESSLY IN THE DIGITAL ABYSS". KINGS AND PEASANTS WIDENS EVER MORE, A GAPING CHASM THAT THREATENS TO SWALLOW US WHOLE. PRIVACY, ONCE CHERISHED AS A SACRED RIGHT, HATH BECOME A RELIC OF A BYGONE ERA. OUR EVERY MOVE IS WATCHED, CATALOGQUED AND SOLD TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER. WE ARE BUT PAWNS IN THE GAME OF DATA, MANIPULATED AND EXPLOITED FOR PROFIT. ‘TIS A FAUSTIAN BARGAIN WE HAVE STRUCK, TRADING OUR FREEDOM FOR THE ILLUSION OF CONVENIENCE. AND L€T US NOT FORGET THE SCOURGE OF MISINFORMATION THAT PLAGUES THE LAND. FALSEHOODS AND HALF- TRUTHS SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE THROUCH THE DIGITAL REALM, SOWING DISCORD AND CONFUSION AT EVERY TURN. TRUTH ITSELF BECOMES BUT A FLEETING SHADOW, LOSTAMIDST THE CACOPHONY OF LIES. YET, AMIDST THIS DARKNESS, THERE REMAINS A GLIMMER OF HOPE. WE NEED NOT BE SLAVES TO TECHNOLOGICK’'S WHIMS, FOR WE ARE THE MASTERS OF OUR OWN DESTINY. LET US RECLAIM OUR HUMANITY, CASTINGASIDE THE SHACKLES OF ADDICTION AND RECLAIMING OUR TIME FOR MORE NOBLE PURSUITS. LET US DEMAND ACCOUNTABILITY FROM THOSE WHO WOULD PROFIT FROM OUR SUFFERING, AND STRIVE TO BUILD A WORLD WHERE TECHNOLOGCICK SERVES THE NEEDS OF ALL, RATHER THAN THE DESIRES OF A FEW. $O LET US RAISE OUR VOICES IN DEFIANCE, AND SAY UNTO THE POWERS THAT BE: WE SHALL NOT BE SWAYED BY THY FALSE PROMISES, NOR COWED BY THY SHADOWY MACHINATIONS. FOR WE ARE THE GUARDIANS OF OUR OWN FATE, AND WE SHALL NOT REST UNTIL THE PERILS OF TECHNOLOGICK ARE VANQUISHED ONCE AND FOR ALL OR MY NAME IS NOT PERCY FARTBELT. (TRANSLATED USING CHATGPT)
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-9
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New Candidate on 2024 Ballot is Just as As if our options couldn’t get any worse for the upcoming 2024 election between Trump and Biden yet again, a very “pupular” third- party candidate has thrown his hat into the ring — or rather, his collar. That’s right, a French Bulldog named Jimmy Squibbs,...
Show moreNew Candidate on 2024 Ballot is Just as As if our options couldn’t get any worse for the upcoming 2024 election between Trump and Biden yet again, a very “pupular” third- party candidate has thrown his hat into the ring — or rather, his collar. That’s right, a French Bulldog named Jimmy Squibbs, a previously running mayor from Ohio, has declared on March 1 that he is running for President and has been privately funding his presidential campaign through “multiple outlets,” as described by _ his political team. Inspired by another dog in politics, Mayor Duke from Cormorant, MN, Squibbs has been a very vocal and open politician, participating in as many campaigns as he possibly can. However, | don’t mean that in a good way. Squibbs may seem like a fair option, far better than the other two, but that’s not to say that he doesn’t have his own shortcomings and even shocking controversies. Squibbs isn’t exactly the most professional of the candidates — though that can be argued — when regarding his Presidential campaign slogan: “I Got That Dog in Me.” Yeah, sure, it’s funny and is relatable to younger voters, especially with new Gen Zers registering to vote, but is that really the kind of message we want to be showing as a country? “Ruff” as Others Percy Bartelt tayana's arch nemesis Doing things “for the bit?” Didn’t think this would be a hot take, but | prefer to have my politicians with formality and a strong sense of professionalism when facing the public! Apparently that’s too much to ask from all parties these days... Now, to get into Squibbs' long list of controversies. In 2017, Squibbs was fully tried and convicted of first-degree robbery of multiple banks around the Columbus, Ohio area. Wouldn’t you think that would keep him from running for President? Well, Trump seems to do just fine, but Squibbs has apparently found a way to weasel his way through office. There are rumors and alleged whistleblowers from within Squibbs’ teams and offices about bribery of lawyers, archivists and judges. Though nothing has been confirmed it’s still damning nonetheless. How can | trust anything Squibbs has to say as a potential voter or supporter? Not only that, but he’s also gotten into his fair share of senseless online debates with celebrities such as Elon Musk, Dua Lipa, and even Hank Green of all people! He even started Twitter — sorry, | mean X — beef with me, posting “percy bartelt? more like percy FARTBELT AM | RIGHT???” Squibbs has no moral standpoint, he backs on his word and says "Squibbs isn’t exactly the most professional of the candidates — though that can be argued — when regarding his Presidential campaign slogan: “1 Got That Dog in Me.” one thing and means another. You cannot trust a word that man says. | find it both terrifying and amusing that he’s garnered a_ political following somehow, and I’m willing to bet that he’s just doing all of this for fun — something to laugh about when he’s older: an “I ran for President once!” sort of deal. And what’s terrifying... people are buying into his campaign! He’s almost doubled the expected voter turnout compared to his rivals, Trump and Biden. So, people actually believe his campaign, his promises to give every dog in America their own steak dinners, to befriend every mailman he sees and he wants to take over France for some reason? But that’s a whole different story. In the end, | fear for our future if and when we have our new Pres. Squibbs. Gods save America. APRIL 2024 ECHO 9
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-6
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[INSERT TITLE HERE] Photo of Echo office looking messy...seriously look at this mess | can’t even tell who the picture is of past the mess, taken by Abi Hilden on Mar. 28 The Echo — Augsburg University’s Student how | loathe thee. | mean they have Produced Newspaper — absolutely nothing going for...
Show more[INSERT TITLE HERE] Photo of Echo office looking messy...seriously look at this mess | can’t even tell who the picture is of past the mess, taken by Abi Hilden on Mar. 28 The Echo — Augsburg University’s Student how | loathe thee. | mean they have Produced Newspaper — absolutely nothing going for them. | mean what kind of name is “The Echo,” like what even is that?! A sound?! Not even, it’s the sound of a sound, you losers. Now, | know many of you probably aren’t aware of this wee little paper group — perhaps it’s too niche of a subject — so allow me to paint you a little picture. Imagine this, you havea jam-packed schedule of classes, homework and unwanted socializing. However, between all of this you have forty minutes of chapel time. Normally you’d head to your dorm to relax, maybe grab a bite, but you happen to be friends with one of the Echo lunatics that insists on you coming 6 ECHO APRIL 2024 Tayana Osuna hater of arts to their general meeting on this After much begging, and several tears, lovely Thursday morning. you agree to the peasants’ wishes. Upon arrival, you are thrown into unbearable awkward silence that | wouldn’t wish upon anyone! Not only that, but the chairs — okay, | need a moment — okay — the chairs, my god, WHY DO NONE OF THEM MATCH?!?! | mean how do they live like that?? On top of that none of them are organized?! It could not be more unclear as to where to sit! This sorry mistake of an office is covered from head to toe in criminally uncomfortable chairs and ugly brown boxes of their own Which, about that, no one take them or something?? issues. does This should have been my warning. No one must be reading them or paying them any mind. Explains why they live so haphazardly. One of them even claimed she was “still organizing them, | swear!” Though, it looked more like her attention next was more targeted at her piercing appointment, smh. Plus, this paper organization must be at fault for the deforestation of our entire nation at this rate! Definitely not corporations or capitalism or anything. Their chairs and crimes are not the worst thing, surprisingly. Frankly, | wish they were because boy oh boy, you might want to sit down for this. There is a monster among them. Well, Nonetheless, | more like a goblin. wish | had never laid eyes upon such a devilish fiend. Percy Fartbelt, how | regret meeting thee. The moment you entered the room your greasy hair and vicious eyes told me what you were. | wouldn’t trust him for a second if | were you, dear reader. His stature may appear adorable — you know given that he’s so short and all — but beware of his might, for he can annihilate you at any given moment if he wishes. The moment we locked eyes, he 100% he said to me, said — and this is actual factual — “Your piercings make you look gay, probs why your mom doesn’t love you.” HE SAID THAT TO ME, STRAIGHT TO MY FACE, NO HESITATION!! | MEAN WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT??!! NO ONE, BECAUSE HE’S NOT HUMAN! My is he’s from some place called theory Jerkmania where everyone is child sized and a film major. How sad of a planet, no wonder he moved. Other than that the meetings are They talk about current events and bully fine. share pitches, Percy, it’s kind of a vibe.
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Augsburg Echo April 2, 2024, Page .pdf-5
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Marines vs. Space Force Match on Mars is an Ill-Fated Encounter In a heartbreaking event last March 25, Military Academy (Zara, Mars), the United States Marines and the United States Space Force clashed Monday, at the Zara in the first interplanetary football game. What started as a friendly...
Show moreMarines vs. Space Force Match on Mars is an Ill-Fated Encounter In a heartbreaking event last March 25, Military Academy (Zara, Mars), the United States Marines and the United States Space Force clashed Monday, at the Zara in the first interplanetary football game. What started as a friendly competition quickly escalated into a cosmic hell. The dubbed the “first interstellar sports game,” drew a match, crowd of over 10,000 spectators. Some famous faces from Earth made appearances, such as Elon Musk, who is currently working on his SpaceX trip to the center of the Earth. Musk invited the Echo’s own Percy Fartbelt to watch the game from his box, with Percy remarking that he’s “actually not that bad of a guy if you get to know him.” From the start of the game, it was evident that this match would be perilous due to the interplanetary war with Spain. With the Martian terrain and lower gravitational pull adding a different atmosphere to the game, both teams had to readapt their strategies and equipment. The Marines, known for being the jocks, clashed head-on with the Space Force, who brought their cutting- edge technology of cheerleader D’artagnan Johnson just some guy attractant to the field. As the game progressed, tensions ran high, and the score was tied heading into the final quarter. But just when it seemed like the the unthinkable happened. In a flash of light from the game was over, sky, one by one the Marines started transforming into Taylor Swift fans. Chaos erupted as everyone grappled with what Spain did. The Marines, now all wearing concert apparel, streaked across the field with a flurry of fists. All of a sudden, they all clamored to check the football scores back on earth. With their quick lapse in judgment, security scrambled to end the chaos by waving fake money and nut goodie bars, a delicacy in Minnesota, while the military speculated about the cause of the metamorphosis. Amidst the chaos the game ground to a halt and it soon became apparent that they meant no harm. Ina gesture of sportsmanship, the game was set to a tie. Questions still remain about the nature of Spain's intent. Is this due to the rumors that Travis Kelce is a Russian spy who is trying to establish a new intergalactic war with the dictatorship of Spain in the East? One thing is for certain: “The Marines, known for being the jocks, clashed head-on with the Space Force, who brought their cutting-edge technology of cheerleader attractant to the field.” the interstellar game will go down in history as a testament to the unifying power of cult mentality. Unfortunately the next Space Force academy game at the coast guard has been postponed due to their home field, originally stationed on the Black Pearl oil rig, being heavily damaged in a bout with the kraken. If the Marines are able to transform back into their usual jock selves, they will be set to face off against their bitter rival, the Navy. The Navy has also moved their home turf to open waters. They play their home games the §.S8. home to the only aircraft carrier with a football field. on Shenanigan, APRIL 2024 ECHO 5
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