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Title: Augsburg Echo September 30, 2005, Page 07
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Variety IWhere the spirit: does not work with the hand there is no art." — Leonardo DaVinci All of Minnesota’s Music Summed Up in One Acronym: MMA Emily Hanson Staff Writer Sep. 21 marked the 25th year of the Minnesota Music Awards. a recognition and celebration of the achievements of Minnesotan...
Show moreVariety IWhere the spirit: does not work with the hand there is no art." — Leonardo DaVinci All of Minnesota’s Music Summed Up in One Acronym: MMA Emily Hanson Staff Writer Sep. 21 marked the 25th year of the Minnesota Music Awards. a recognition and celebration of the achievements of Minnesotan musicians. Upon arriving at First Avenue‘s Main Room. I was greeted by one of the hosts. Lori Barbero i of “Babes In Toyland") who informed me l was in fora real gem ofan ey e- ning. I believe her statement of “a real gem" was an understatement. Festivities started promptly at 8:00 pm. with the soulful sounds of Robert Robinson and the Twin Cities Community Gospel Choir. whose mming performance im- mediately captivated the audience. The night’s hosts. music ali- cionado and 89.3 FM The Current‘s Mark Wheat along with Barbcro. .gave a brief welcome and intro- duction to quickly transition to the ceremony‘s first presenters. The night quickly (and chaotically) moved on from there. The entire spectrum ofMinnc- sota musicians. radio personalities. print editors. directors. and legal high ends were all represented in the form of presenters. liach presenter was given cue cards to read. How- ever. when you mix alcohol with musicians. order and madness soon go hand—in-hand. One ofthe best moments ofthe evening was music video pioneer (‘huck Statler‘s stage time. After a long-winded introduction by Barbero, Statler graced the stage. commenting on Minnesota music. and interacting with the crowd. which no one up until that point had done. The stale feeling the night had was. at that point. gone for good. To break up the monotony of award presentation. a smattering of local musicians took the stage. including STNNNG. Kid Dakota. Cloud Cult. Dcsdamona. and Tram- pled by Turtles. Each band played betw ccn three and ﬁye songs and fed olfofthe almost sold out Main Room's \ ibc. The highlighted perfonnance was STNNNU. literally. Pronounced “stunning.” the band formed in April 2003 and has its own unique take on Minnesota music. Minneapolis music in par- ticular. The audience was taken by storm as lead singer Chris Besingcr held nothing back. throwing himself about the stage. spouting out obscure lyrics but ones with prominence in today‘s society. Almost all of the e\ ening‘s winners expressed gratitude tow ard their hometow'ns and their low for the thriying arts and music culture of the Twin Cities. Though there were some upsets in regard to the winners. generally speaking. people felt proud of the accomplishments and the successes of their peers‘ talents. The night‘s message was clear. and I left with the notion that Min- nesota music has affected numer— ous generations and is not fading anytime soon. UPS will help pay for your college education. 58.50»S9.50/hr plus benefits Paid Vacations Weekend 6 Holidays 0ft Consrstent Work Schedules Available Shifts: Sunrise (Mon-Fri 3am-8am) twilight (Mon-Fri Span-9pm) Must be aranable all 5 Jan Start 5, end times mat ij’l UPS “Wis Facility 3312 Broadway St N! Apply culture at: m.ups}obs.com (Medical/DentaI/Vision/Lite a 401K) Night (Sm-"out 10:30pin-3am) Part-Time Package Handlers "Corpse Bride”: Short Lived, but Worth Every Second Sarah Evans Staff Writer Tim Burton's "Corpse Bride" is a hard m0\ie to classify. ls it horror? Romance? Musical? Comedy“? Fantasy‘.‘ Or simply animation? Tim Burton has no cr fit into any genre easily. He has always done his own thing and has gained credibility for his unique \i— sions. His new- est masterpiece “Corpse Bride" is no c\ccption to this rule. The characters are uti- likely heroes. and the stop motion technology is rare in a day w ltcn ey » erythingis digital. and the story is bi/arrc and c\» traordinary. Victor. \ oiced by Johnny Depp. is the bridegroom protagonist. llc Bride" Posterior the new movie “Corpse 'i k is a spindly little man made up of neryous ticks and social aw kwai‘d- ness. We meet Victorjust before his wedding rehearsal for a marriage which has been arranged by his par— ents in hopes ofclirnbing the social ladder. Victor fumbles through the rehearsal and is banished from the Program Get as much as $5,000‘/year in College Education Assistance! ' l“ ng a'T g‘aiflt'iitie. epu'v tum prmyw. l'ViptDi‘: chapel until he can get the \ows correct. He w andcrs to the woods and begins reciting his \ows and gains conﬁdence as they begin to come to him naturally. :\.\ he is practicing. he places the golden w cddnrg band on a gnarled tree branch sticking from the ground \s be mutters the fateful words "l do." the sccnrr ineg ordinary branch trans, foirrrs into the long bony fins gcrs ol the long forgotten .ind but icd bride. \oiccd by llclcn.i llonlmnr Carter. t'ttll‘\k‘ l k' \\ know tlr.ti the corpse bitdc (lltll'dc‘lt‘t («title‘s from ti .lcwislr folktale tllltl hits some historical rclc\ time In l‘lth (’cntui‘y Russia. tlicrc w its w idc-sprciid tlllllet‘llllllslll. As the story goes. antr-Scnntcs ambushed a w cdding party on their w try to a ceremony. pulling the bride from her carriage and murdering her to prcycnl her from hearing future generations. She w its tltcn buried. forgotten. and left to rot in her w cd ding gown. This is how we findl nnly. Inn lltirloii‘s corpse hi'itlt‘. She ltikcs \'ictoi’totlic ltind ol the dead. which it turns out is iinicli liyclici llnni Victor‘s ii\\it \Miiltl it is ctillctl. is dull and gray. rind its inhabitants are trite and superficial The residents ol the underworld get along w itli cucli otlici and w clcornc “new rirriy itls“ from "upstairs" w Ill] open arms. song tllltl dance niiin- bcrs. tllitl alcohol that flows li’ccly through then \hL‘lL‘ldl irinncs lit! the cntnc To minutes. I ﬁll with a goofy srnilc spreading across my face The w liolc thing w its awe~ inspiring llowc\cr. l do haw two L’tlllle plaints about this film The liliii should lia\c been longer Most feature filins these days hoich on two hours. but "( orpsc liiidc” lasted barely one lalso would hay c liked to see a little more character deyeloprnent Burton is a pro at making Us fall in low w ith strange characters we forget deard Scissorhands who liyed with the neighborhood A\ on lady'.‘ In the "Corpse Bride.” Victor is the only character the audience grows to truly loyc. c\en though we are supposed to feel more for l:mily HLMC\ er. don't let those two little criticisms deter you from set.” "I pstnns" its l.c‘sl ing this inot ie l yen if you hay en i been the biggest Burton tan in the past. there is something for cucryr one. C\r:ll if it is simply spending time away lroin our stressful line» and getting to spend sonic tune in a rowdy underworld First-Year Perspective: Dealing With Urness Heat Stayci Kinder Staff Writer \ftci running t‘tll\ltl\‘ lll tlrc ninety «legt‘cc heat for lr.ilf.ni hour. I w .ilk tip sewn (lights oi si.riis to my I mess dorm room. onl\ to he grcclcd by .r blast of lroi .iri on my .lll't‘tltl} \‘\ \‘l'llk‘Jlk‘l l‘t‘tl\ l\cn though l lt.r\cn‘i shut in siti.ill window siiic.‘ | ino\t'd i'r ll docs little to cool down iiiy \lllldlf ioonr \cithci docs Ill\ l.irr \\l1ltl‘ is l.llt‘l\ turned ofl “li's lr.rrd to torrtciriidit~ «Mt lrorncwoik .ind lr.nd to \lct'p stir: l lspctlr lliown. liisi floor lt‘\|clt‘lll in l rrrcss l‘lrcrc .iic [‘ldx‘c‘s other llt.it' l rircss to stud\. such .is ilic .in t on ditioncd library. brii in.nr\ students would Idlllt‘l study in ilicri dorm rooms. especially students who don‘t own Liptop coiripuicis It you Ir.i\ c to lr.nil .ill of \otil study irr;itcii.i|s to another builtlrin' c\ci\ lliiic you w.nit to study iiol initcli studying will get doric ln .iddition. tlic nt;nn lobb\ iii l‘rncss is affected (did I ll_t!t‘l. RA till the sL‘\ Clllll llititl. \tlltl. "ll‘s slilling in the lobby No onc w.ints to sit in the lobby lllllll it‘s t old ” lllllrlllllt' .\ugsbuit' \llltlt‘tlls hate to pay about $24.7ltl this ycan. according to thc l'lllillllllt'lll (ciilci goes iow.nd ttlllsltllltllllt’ .n.tdcirnt llrough inosl ol this tnoncy oppoitunittcs. this is .i lot ol rnoncy to p.i\ lot the kind of li\in;r l lllt's‘t proynlcs In other words. .is |{\.in |’l.ist h it'sidciitol tht'sctond llooi ‘nlltl ‘li sucks' \\ hy should l lr.i\c to -.\\c.ti when I'm p.iy Illt' \ roouo "‘ llli.‘ opposition would ».i‘. ,\lly.'\ltlllj.' studcnts .nc p.i\inj.i lIIl tlic t'iciit sci\itcs .ind oppoiiinri tics Ilicy llllt’lll sity lll.ll i'\r'l\U|lt‘ kncw ribout lllk'ttilltlllltlll’sitll lllt -. ll.ill bcloic llicy lllii\t'il lll .nrd llicy inigln men say lll.ll I should .iop lt't'l Augsburg could Iniyc :il lt'tl’tl told whining l, on tlic olln'i h.iird inc about the toritlilions inl lllt‘x, whitli they didn’t ll] llic’ Resitlt'lit c l Ilc filllilc book iitidci the set trons “About Your Rooni‘ illILl “Whirl lo lliinp they liiil to mention tlnitl iiicss has no air coinhtioniiitl oi titty lypr' of hills. and students should tonsich bringing their own My orientation leaders told our AugScin about llic conditions oll rness but only after I asked them lirst-yeais at the liniycisily' of Minnesota pay much let.» than llrsl'ycuis here l'lll‘: “all. they get air UIlitllllUlilll‘,‘ four people to a bathroom and H. it 1' Iln' :it lionlici iooiii space Vt itli liyin',‘ condition, like those. Vvll'i wouldii i want to yo to the l “ I understand that thi, huildiiip went up in the l'llili and that to put in air conditioning would brin',‘ l’c‘2l lli.‘ could l.ov.«:'.t:i cornivlcr iii».tallii,;i;1bvrltci tuition iatc- up yerrtilaiion :y :Mrn or pl')‘. 1dr.- lan to all hrstyycar student
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Title: Augsburg Echo September 30, 2005, Page 08
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Variety “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.” — Benjamin Franklin September 30, 2005 A Fishy Restaurant Review Deborah Rusch Staff Writer I have this horrible fear of Uptown. There are far too many hipsters. hippies. broke college students. rich college students. and...
Show moreVariety “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.” — Benjamin Franklin September 30, 2005 A Fishy Restaurant Review Deborah Rusch Staff Writer I have this horrible fear of Uptown. There are far too many hipsters. hippies. broke college students. rich college students. and poseur versions ofall milling about Hennepin and Lake. There‘s a good (A; V reason all these peo— ple hang out in this district there‘s a whole mess of great food. The newest great restaurant in the area is Stella‘s Fish Cafe and Prestige Oyster Bar at 1400 West Lake Street. operat- ing out ofthe build— ing recently vacated by Tonic. Stella‘s fills out the gaps left by ('hino Latino and liiglio. While Chino and Figlio both have seafood options on their menus. Stella‘s A view of the downtown skyline from the patio of Stella's Fish Cafe in were refurbished urinal troughs. Despite the potty-minded atmo- sphere. Stella's was clean. The food surprised me as well. The menu is reasonably priced for the food offered, and the variety is such that it would take me the bet- ter part of a year to wind my way through all the options and combi— (obviously) special- Uptown MinneaPOIIS i7es in it. Since I do have a respectably- sized loathing for the busy. busy dinneri’drinking times of Uptown. I decided to catch a meal after the lunch hour on a Saturday and before the fashionable hours for the elites of the neighborhood. In all honesty. I was expecting something along the lines ofBubba Gump‘s or Eat at Joe‘s. and pan of me was cringing a little inside. but I was pleasantly surprised. The interior of the restaurant (which is cavernoust huge. by the by) is ﬁlled with humorous photographs of overweight folks in all sorts of poses; my table was graced with an unﬂattering view of the plumber‘s lament. The men‘s restroom has a gar— gantuan photograph ofa man passed out in a restroom with “the world’s worst“ urinal (think “Trainspotv ting"). Even the women‘s sinks nations. My ﬁrst lap across the menu pool was the oysters. There were six varieties listed for the day (the website assured me that it was “su- per-fresh"). and the server helped me choose the Hama Hama from Washington. Served on ice with two sauces and a lemon. the oys- ters were fresh. tasty, and happily salty. . Next up was Stella‘s rainbow carpaccio. which I would probably skip the next time around. The car- paccio was comprised of scallops. salmon. and tuna with spicy citrus oil and a garnish of mixed greens and shallots. The scallops were delicious. and they soaked up the ﬂavor of the citrus oil and shallots well (the first time I’ve ever had scallops I liked). However. the tuna and salmon weren‘t sliced thinly enough for taste and didn’t pair as well with the oil. I also ordered the ceviche of the day. Ceviche is sort of like a ﬁsh salsa. It’s comprised of lime- marinated ﬁsh served up with diced tomatoes, onions, peppers, and whatever else the chef decides to throw in. ' .. If you order the cevi- che at Stella's, you’ll get it on a plate of ice with a multi— - colored ﬂash- ing light hidden in it. I‘m sure it looks spectacu- lar at night. and it tastes greatas well. For my entree. I chose the lobster roll. This was the ' best part of the meal. I was treated to nice thick chunks of lobster, lightly covered in mayo. withjust enough celery and lemon to bring out the ﬂavor of the lob- ster. It was all served up in a split roll with some lettuce tucked in for good measure. The french fries on the side were thick enough without being too thick. After all this. I was. naturally enough. completely stuffed. and I didn‘t have the willpower or the stomach-power to try the desserts. I’m going to save that for the next time I go to Stella‘s. when I hit up the dinner hour and try the crab legs. I hear they‘re awesome. If(when) you go, try to get seat- ing outside on the roof—the view is incredible. Also make sure you look at your placemat before you start chowing down. It has some rather humorous suggestions for your ﬁsh leftovers, as well as ﬁsh-cleaning tips and ﬁsh anatomy. Solveig Mcbusts'ECIlO Dear Kari... Kari Aanestad Columnist You have asked and I have answered. Here is this week’s advice. Dear Kari: This is my second year here at Augsburg. and I‘ve maintained a long distance relationship with my high school boyfriend for the last couple of years now. We 've had our ups and downs but managed to make it. Recently. though. things have seemed very awkward and strained between us. We he on completely otfsched— ales and I ﬁnd myself very frustrat- ed and almost resentful of him for these inconveniences. Sometimes I feel like I ’m doing all of the effort to maintain our relationship. I put him as a top priority in my life but he seems to have different pn'on'tics and I take a back seat. I 'm considering calling it quits but things are good when we 'rc together. though those times are limited. I'm also scared that l 'm being too brash and that I ’ll fore v'er regret losing him. Do you ha vc any insight? -Melancholy in Mort Dear Melancholy in Mort: I don‘t mean to start off by stat- ing the obvious. but long distance relationships are extremely difﬁcult and trying on both parties involved. The fact that you have maintained one up until this point is a strong testament to your character. Before I offer any insight, however. I want to pose a question to you: What is keeping you in this relationship? You‘ve already answered part of that question in that you‘re scared that you’ll end up regretting it, if you end the relationship. You also seem to be afraid that all of the time you have invested in him will have been a waste. First of all, nothing is ever wasted. We learn from every experience we endure and if we fail to do so. then we fail to live. Typically, the hope of a future together tends to fuel long distance relationships. Both parties slip into the mindset of “what's four years apart. if we have a lifetime together?” I ﬁnd this to be a very danger- ous line ofthinking. As my mother always told me, “Your years at col- lege will be the only time in your life when you only have a respon- sibility to yourself." Though her intent was somewhat subliminally vicarious in nature. I believe her statement to be quite true. These are times of great unsettlement as we try to grow into the people we intend to be. 7 The choices and paths of people from our past don‘t always neces- sarily coincide with ours anymore. This can be a very painful realiza- tion, but ultimately. you do have a choice. You can either choose to pursue the path that you‘ve always dreamed or possibly skew it to match that ofyour partner’s. Either way both options will have a bit- tersweet aftertaste. You shouldn‘t have to feel that you‘re doing all of the work. especially if it interferes with your experience at Augsburg. There is an entire culture ofthe Auggie that is waiting for you. Ulti- mately. only you will know what is best for you. My advice to you is to sit down and try and put yourselfin an outsider‘s position. What would you tell yourself? The best advice we give to others is the very advice we need to hear ourselves. Disclaimer: Kari Aanes- tad has no professional train- ing. To submit a question or comment to Kari, e-mail it to aanestad@augsburg.edu. Minneapolis Brian Halaas Variety Editor Nobody knew exactly what to expect from the Ivey Awards this year. The reason for the mystery and intrigue surrounding the event was not due to any speciﬁc public— ity ploy. Instead. it was because this awards ceremony at the State Theater this past Monday was the ﬁrst of its kind to ever occur in the T“ in Cities. Described as “a celebration of Twin Cities Theater." the First An- nual Ivey Awards was the Minne- apolis/St. Paul area‘s version ofthe Tony Awards. The entire event was geared to imitate the class and style found on the average entertainment award telecast while recognizing anists and theater companies who excelled this last year. The ceremony was hosted by Justin Kirk and Ben Cameron. both Minneapolis celebrities in their own ways. (‘amcron has established himself as an arts c\ecutive within the Twin Cities circle and nation— ally Kirk began as an actor in the area but is currently most v\ ell known for play ing Prior \Valter in Plays “Dress the highly acclaimed HBO version of“Angels in America." Presenters gave awards recog- nizing actors. technical designers, and entire plays. There were no speciﬁc categories. but thewinners were selected by a group of volun- teers and through online submis- Up” to Recognize Twin Cities Theater The ceremony. fortunately; consisted of more than the reading of accolades and names. Inter- spersed throughout were perfor- mances from productions of the past year and upcoming season. Some of the highlights included a hilarious movement piece from the Fringe was the Ivey Lifetime Achievement Award, which was intended to honor “lifetime contribution or service to the Twin Cities professional theater community.“ This year the award went to Lou Bellamy. the artistic di- rector of Penumbra Theater, for his work at promoting Aﬁ'ican-Ameri- sions. This took away some of the suspense I hope that people will recognize that the strength of the Twin Cities theater is not can theater in the Twin Cities. The crowd showed its support and re- that can be . D . spectfor Bellamy f chund 21;; in Its corporate sponsorship or glamour. 2y giwgg hmtzthe 0t er awar . , , , rs an mos en- ceremonies Theater In thlS community 13 SO Strong thusiastic stingi- bec ‘ th . . ing ovationo t e auiiienc: because of the resources it has for artists evening. ' ‘ ' i . - . A h h Sﬁ'ﬁh‘mld‘é to take risks and produce shows that have Mggfggﬁgfgrgf amicg’jﬁhg more to say than the average Broadway jﬁggggsrj‘cagiﬁzg the ceret musicaL critical acclaim mony‘s in- both locally and troduc t ion. ‘ nationally: “Death Kirk made ofa Salesman” at an intentionally humorous point to remind the audience that the distri- bution of the awards is not meant to create winners and losers. He said. "We‘re Minnesotans. and we all know that nobody is better than anybody else." Festival success “Knock” and a surprisingly vivacious performance from Jody Briskey as Judy Garland in last season‘s revue “Beyond the Rainbow" presented at the History Theatre. The main honor ofthe evening the Guthrie Theater and “The Mi- ser" at the Jeune Lune. Although even I have to admit that these shows were outstanding. the subtly muted audience applause for these companies throughout the night seemed to say. "Haven ’t we already heard enough about Jeune Lune and the Guthrie? Let’s celebrate every- thing else that Twin Cities theater is about." Even though the entire event seemed rather high-end and quite corporate (the official title is the “Ameriprise Financial lvey Awards"), right from the beginning it was easy to see that the Twin Cit- ies theater community does not ﬁnd its strength in the big name touring productions or the large companies. Instead the theater community is prosperous thanks to its vast number of small independent theater com- panies. I hope that the Ivey Awards will be able to continue in future years. At the same time, I hope that people will recognize that the strength of the Twin Cities theater is not in its corporate sponsorship or glamour. Theater in this community is so strong because of the resources it has for artists to take risks and pro- duce shows that have more to say than the average Broadway musical. Even with this considered, the Ivey Awards was a unique opportunity for the theater community to come together and celebrate all that it has accomplished.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [MSAugsburg Echo] May 5, 2000
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo [MSAugsburg Echo] May 5, 2000, Page 01
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Mow V9. 9 we ‘I. \Cé tic. May 5, 2000 Volume 106 MSEch Issue 20 MiNlh’ mp" f‘.‘ if} i AUGSBLLdgs'E'lTQIF-prsl r. g '. r!” v» " In this issue: Corruption and Murphy Square, page 2 Students ﬁght over parking space, page 3 Penmoore suicide, page 4 Making . ro or he Icopter access Old Main...
Show moreMow V9. 9 we ‘I. \Cé tic. May 5, 2000 Volume 106 MSEch Issue 20 MiNlh’ mp" f‘.‘ if} i AUGSBLLdgs'E'lTQIF-prsl r. g '. r!” v» " In this issue: Corruption and Murphy Square, page 2 Students ﬁght over parking space, page 3 Penmoore suicide, page 4 Making . ro or he Icopter access Old Main decapitation begins this summer Ella Cool Historical Sites Renewal Expert The Augsburg campus will have a different look after the ren- ovations this spring and summer, experts say. Not only will asbestos in Si Melby be a thing of the past, but helicopters will have easy access to the college’s many resources. A major effort will be undertaken in the summer of 2000 to uncover a landing pad already visible on the top ﬂoor of Old Main. Old Main’s roof will be removed “very carefully,” accord- ing to an aspiring architecture stu- dent performing the hands—on ject. “The tops of the walls will then be sanded down to get rid of jagged surfaces,” he said. The landing pad is currently marked by yellow caution tape and circled by benches and chairs, but, “When helicopters are land- ing next year, I wouldn’t want to be sitting there!" the student Take a good look. it might be the last time you see Old Main in tact. exclaimed. There is some concern that the high winds will drive professors out of their ofﬁces at peak land- ing times. Mary Kingsley, pro— fessor of Spanish, commented, “The helicopter noises will be extremely loud, but I think it’s great that Augsburg devotes its energy to opening up its campus to air trafﬁc as well as auto trafﬁc and pedestrians. It says a lot about our diversity.” A spokesperson for the Admis— sions Ofﬁce added, “Next year‘s 100-year birthday celebration for Old Main will be enhanced by 100 helicopters in rainbow colors landing and taking off from the new landing pad. It will be a spectacular sight! The seminari— ans who attended class there in 1900 will be looking down and smiling.” ' Photo courtesy of Covert Sally/MSEcho Recently abandoned Space Allocation Committee site. A custodian said, “The curtains wouldn‘t close any- more, so they won't meet here." Covert committee uncovered Nome Knowsall Co-Editor in Chief Can‘t ﬁnd the Dean’s ofﬁce or Event Services? Confused by the apparent “musical ofﬁces” that Augsburg plays on a yearly basis? Wonder who is behind the deci- sion to keep the campus in perpet- ual chaos? A former faculty member who decided to out of sheer frustration recently approached the MSEcho. “I just couldn't get any work done with all that banging around and move- ment of office furniture,” said the former faculty member. The instructor asked to remain anony- mous in order to protect his chances for employment at another college. When asked by the MSEcho if the President’s Ofﬁce was behind the moves, the instructor replied. “Do you really think Frame is the real power behind the college? Heck, no! It’s the Space Commit— tee, hands The infamous Augsburg Space Committee. a covert group once thought of as a campus legend, is apparently the legitimate cause of turning this campus upside down. The MSEcho decided to do some investigative reporting to uncover the truth about the Space Committee. What we found was stranger than truth. The Space Committee, founded during the establishment of the college in 1869, was originally named the Society for Maintaining the Social Soc “Space” page 2 Photo courtesy oi the Decapitation committee That may be true, but one stu— dent organization is wholly against the beheading of Old Main. CRAP, or Concerned Resi— dents for Augsburg’s Preserva— tion, held its ﬁrst meeting on April 20 to organize protests against the helicopter landing pad project. The meeting dissolved into heated arguments over an item on the agenda listed as "Ten— nis Courts v. Parking Lots." “Augsburg College is setting a precedent here." said President William Frame. “The new land- ing pad will not much compro— mise the learning that happens in Old Main and will provide numerotis airlifting services to and from Augsburg College. On weekends. the pad can he used for roller binding and keg parties. It‘s a good deal all around." Microsoft acquires Echo in attempt to diversify in lucrative college newspaper business Echo renamed MSEcho Silly Congirl Conglomerate Correspondent Microsoft Corporation announced last week its plan to take over the Echo. the latest in a string of acquisi— tions by the software giant. "We plan to dig deep into the highly lucrative college newspaper industry,” cack- led a spokesperson for the company. "and the Augsburg Echo will help us reach our goals. Microsoft style." Concerns about the sta- bility of the newspaper and its leadership for the Fall. 2000 semester led to the takeover. “Nobody wanted this to happen," commented Co-editor in Chief Sharon Rolenc. "The Echo is one of those down-home organizations that you never want to see lose its charm. We eat apple pic at our meetings and do wholesome .things like sponsor harp lessons for kids in Cambodia’s Microsoft could never ﬁll the shoes of the brave men and women who go to battle every day to make this paper a success." When asked about his newest acquisition, former Microsoft Chief Executive Ofﬁcer Bill Gates looked puzzled and said. “We're taking over a teensy- Bill Gates, MSEcho’s proud new owner. weensy college newspaper? Why would we want to do that? l-lmmm. I’ll have my people talk to your people. What was your name again?" Confusion reigns from Silicon Valley to high atop the Augsburg Soc “MSEcho” page 4 Grab here to turn page
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Title: Augsburg Echo [MSAugsburg Echo] May 5, 2000, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: May 5, 2000 page 2 Eeatu res continued from page I ' Society for Maintaining the Social order changed its name to Space Allocation Committee At the rise of social political unrest dur- ing the 19205, the Society decided to change its The MSEcho tried apprOaching some of the members for comments....
Show moreMay 5, 2000 page 2 Eeatu res continued from page I ' Society for Maintaining the Social order changed its name to Space Allocation Committee At the rise of social political unrest dur- ing the 19205, the Society decided to change its The MSEcho tried apprOaching some of the members for comments. When asked about the committee’s existence, name to a more ambiguous one so as not to draw English Professor John Schmit replied, “Does the Space attention to the group. They then adopted its cur- committee exist, or does it not exist? That is the question.” rent name. He then Despite the answered all name change, the focus of our remain- and purpose of the ing questions committee has changed by posing very little since its rhetorical inception. The com- Shakespearean mittee is made up of style ques- faculty and staff from tions. different constituencies Information of the college in an Technology attempt to keep tabs on staffer Brad the internal affairs of Christ is sup; departments across posedly the campus. If any con- ﬁrst technical cems are raised about staff member growing unrest from members of the college, the Space Allocation Committee initiates a big ofﬁce move. In order to ensure conﬁdentiality, all potential members must go through a series of personality. to join the ranks of the Space Com- mittee. When asked about his responsi- bilities on the committee, the normally calm and conﬁdent intellectual. and physi- Christ started cal prowess tests in shaking and order to ﬁlter out any babbling. He POSSIble [hm/{its to Fhe Photo courtesy of Covert Sally/MSEcho Spomed 0‘" group- While gomg Current site of the Committee meetings (until today) his military ID Photo courtesy of Covert Sally/MSEcho through these tests, the ‘ number and Abandoned meeting site. potential members are rank before not aware of the purpose of the testing. They are told that the tests are routine campus examina- falling on the floor in a convulsive attack. One of our reporters bravely went undercover and suc- A,:,{:,.ﬁ.(. ﬂaunt , .,. W ,. .' Order. Anytime there was threat of protest, uprising, or unionizing from the staff or faculty, the Society would move ofﬁces to confuse and distract political organizers tions. Once accepted into the group, the Committee con- ducts bizarre, secret, late-night initiation rituals involving chickens and blood. ceeded in gaining membership in this historic group of privilege and power. Read part two of our investigative report next week as we reveal the inner workings of the from completing their work. Staff Bill’s Minions Connie Serns Norma Knowsall Ctr-editor in chief Co-editor in chief Lost in Space News editor Kinda Spacey A & E editor Vacancy Community editor Hashy Brown Spam editor Arty Fatty Layoul editor Short Shot Photo editor Silly Conglrl Copy editor She who carries big stick Commissioner Staff writers/Photographers: Ella Cool. Lotta Gore. Dante Mandes, One of Bonds Women. Sneaky Pete. lvana Play. Covert Sally, Stumpy The MSEcho is published each Friday -~ except when we don‘t feel like it-- by the students of Augsburg College, 731 list Avenue South, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55454. Opinions expressed are those of the authors but also deﬁnitely reflect those of the supporting staff. Only like-minded people will be considered for hire by MSEcho! The MSEcho wholeheartedly promotes the products and services it advertises and feel that you as readers should buy. buy. buy. The MSEcho rarely takes submissions. and only prints commentaries and letters that match the views of our editorial staff. Sure, go ahead and write us a letter, but we probably won‘t print it unless you send us an incentive. Bribes in the form of Augsburg parking spaces are the most favored currently, and technology stock may be considered depending on how Nasdaq is doing. First copy free; additional copies available in the MSEcho oﬁ'rce at the discretion of MSEcho staff for a reasonable upgrade price of $99 a piece. The MSErho ofﬁce can be reached at (612) 33-GATES, at campus box #666 or e-mail: mserho@augsburg.edu. Annual subscription rate: More than you can afford. Printed with Print Group Midwest on recycled paper. (Not Bill‘s idea to print on recycled paper. but he couldn‘t weasel his way out of the printing contract.) Space Committee. Corruption! Amid accusations of conspiracy and corruption Mark Jackson, Murphy Square Editor, leaves Augsburg. Faculty and students relieved to see him go. Stumpy Nemeimiartqed to E4895 Safest, This year, Augsburg College experi- enced one of the worst scandals since the Leaning Tower of Mortensen last year. Editor of Murphy Square, Mark Jackson, was accused of everything from government kickbacks to kicking government ofﬁcials. This controversy was sparked by his negli- gence in running the long-standing college organiza- tion, Murphy Square. Accusations include poor communication. short deadlines. and threats made by the president to silence the questions of board mem- bers. Mark Jackson, a graduating senior this year, has been notorious for his behavior the four years he has attended Augsburg. When asked about him, many in the English Department refused comments because of alleged threats made to their household pets. An English professor who wished to remain anonymous whispered in conﬁdence. “We're all glad he‘s leaving. He's a very scary individual." The pro- fessor resumed silence when one of Jackson's hench- men who aided in the Murphy Square release riots. Dan Madsen. entered the hallway. Most of the English faculty and students thought that this year would be the same and no one would stand against Jackson‘s tyranny and alleged Maﬁa ‘i L "i Mark Jackson's mug shot. ties. However. two brave souls of the Augsburg MSEcho did take a stand and led a full-scale political assault against his practices. These two were unavailable for comment because the Witness Protec- tion Program would not give out any information regarding their whereabouts. Murphy Square was released on time and, other than the riots during the reading, was a success. When asked to cement on the recent allegations of corruption, Jackson gave this statement: “Kick- backs? Organized crime? Who wouldn‘t use those to further their career?" He also made threats to this joumalist‘s household pets. It should probably be noted that Jackson was severely inebriated due to Case Day participation. When asked about the future of Murphy Square, Jackson said, “What’s Murphy Square? Hey, why don’t you guys run any of those personal ads in your newspaper anymore? I'm sure someone would‘ve answered mine at some point.” “As is evident," said the English faculty, “we are dealing with a severely traumatized individual. He's highly dangerous. Avoid him at all costs." Photo courtesy of Augsburg Security
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Title: Augsburg Echo [MSAugsburg Echo] May 5, 2000, Page 03
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: May 5, 2000 Features page 3 Augsburg students arrested after fight over last parking spot on entire campus ‘b Connie Sems Crime Rggrter ’ Two students were airested for dis— orderly conduct on Monday. John Mark was turning into the tennis court parking lot‘ when Melvin Price was coming around-the...
Show moreMay 5, 2000 Features page 3 Augsburg students arrested after fight over last parking spot on entire campus ‘b Connie Sems Crime Rggrter ’ Two students were airested for dis— orderly conduct on Monday. John Mark was turning into the tennis court parking lot‘ when Melvin Price was coming around-the aisle from ' inside the parking lot. They spied the last open space half way between them and they both revved their engines, ready for the race. Mark’s yellow Geo Metro had more agility than Price's Ford pickup. Mark swung into the spot and won the race. Price, however, was- n’t ready to give up the spot that he “saw ﬁrst.” Price claimed that he had the right to the spot ﬁrst because he was in the parking lot before Mark. Price was so angry that he Co-Ed Naked Hopscotch new lifetime sport lvanna Play Nudity Advocate President Bill Frame announced Tuesday a ﬁve-year plan to phase in a wider variety of lifetime sports. Fall of 2000 will bring a course entitled Intro to Co—ed Naked Hopscotch. According to Augsburg’s revised course catalog, the class “teaches students the fundamentals of the game: stone—tossing ﬁnesse, good sportsmanship, and Biblical Studies class completely nak .” When he was told this news, professor of religion Phil Quan- beck II mumbled something about Eden, became pale, and fell over. One day before press time, fac— ulty were being sought to super- vise the new lifetime sports. Since then, however, Frame has very graciously volunteered to “watch over the athletes while they hop around naked.” Because hopping strategy - all while completely naked. It makes for a rollicking good time and introduces stu- dents to an option for physical activity that they may use all of their lives." It is this comrrtit— ment to student well- being that prompted Frame’s proposal. “Hopscotch is a ﬁne game, and everyone knows that Augsburg students have more fun when they’re naked." he said. ' Dean of Students Chris Kimball added. “Co-ed naked hop- seotch is a great idea! I‘m surprised that Augsburg didn’t intro- duce this sort of inno- vative program long ago. Finally, these young people will have incentive to get out of bed for classes!" Day students shared Kimball’s enthusiasm. Although they wholeheartedly supported coed naked hopscotch as a new life- time sport course offering. they questioned the scope of the nudity allowed en campus. “I think it‘s a travesty," said one young woman. “I fully intend to exercise my rights as a practicing nudist and show up to my ﬁrst Cartoon by Matt Melbee/MSEcho President Frame demenstrates the new life- time sport, Co-Ed Naked Hopscotch. of the overwhelming response by potential instructors, the co-ed naked sports will be supervised on a rotational basis starting in the fall. The next ﬁve years will bring Co—ed Naked Hula Hoop and Co- ed Naked Jump Rope in addition to the hopscotch class. A spokesperson for the Registrar’s Ofﬁce commented, “We fully expect things - I mean enrollment — to rise as a result of these changes." - rammed into the back of Mark’s Arrow points to the parking space that sparked fight between two Augsburg students. Geo and the front wheels of the pick up rolled up the trunk of the Geo and crushed it. Mark jumped out of his car and, according to Price, “started to swear at me and were arrested and are awaiting call me a *!@#$%er." A ﬁstﬁght ensued and had to a. w T- ’ » , Photo courtesy of Sneaky Pete/MSEcho be broken up by security. The two charges. Where are they now? Follow-up on a successful personals match Dante Mandes StaﬁWriteL The MSEcho collegiate newspaper did more this year than bring current news events to students and faculty. The MSEcho is now responsible for the ﬁrst Augsburg personal ad marriage. The February issue of the MSEcho had the only personal ads segment this year and had only one response. It was from Mindy Johnson. “I saw his ad. with all the mis— spellings, and felt sorry for him. He seemed so alone, plus his line about wanting to bathe naked in a trash can full of taco meat really turned me on." Jason Jacapaloski fell in love with Mindy the ﬁrst time he took her out on the town. “After our dinner at White Castle, I knew I was in for sure,” he said. They were married in the Chapel of Love, located in the Mall of America. Jason said, “We followed another couple in and got the two-for-one deal. It was really cool. There was sortie concern over which last name to take as ours. so we decided to hyphenate both. We were also in a hurry to get last call at the Sports Bar." Some of the students at Augsburg are conccmcd over the marriage. Dan Madsen was quoted as say- ing, “I‘ve been on a bender before. but what the hell were they thinking?" Another source that wishes to remain anonymous (Mark Jackson) stated that “they have been drunk for the last three years. I know: I‘ve been drinking with them. They have no idea what they have done. I know; I‘m married." We. at the MSEcho, sincerely wish the best for Jason and Mindy Johnson-Jacapaloski. We hope that their lives together will be fulﬁlling and bring them nothing but happiness. We also hope they take full advantage of the two—for—one deal at Fairview River- side Rehab Center. Riot in Marshall Room Sonnet #4 sparks controversy and mayhem Dante Mandes Stat Miter , , A violent riot took place between students at the Murphy Square reading and release party Thursday night. The Marshall room was ﬁlled to standing ' room only with students, faculty, and alumni who were all eagerly awaiting the ﬁrst glimpse of the 2000 issue of the annual literary publication. The hostilities began between the students after one of the alumni brought cookies that were half chocolate and half peanut butter. One of the students was quoted as saying, “It was unnecessary to bring that kind of statement into a professional environment like this.” Tensions then rose to new heights after Dan Mad- sen read his “Sonnet Some members of the audience were offended at the rhyme scheme used. while others were offset by the violent nature of son- nets, in general. Shortly after Madsen had ﬁnished his reading, a student in the back of the crowd shouted, “I can’t hear you!" Madsen said, “[l] thought the student didn’t understand the meaning of my sonnet." No one knows who threw the ﬁrst bagel, but within seconds, the entire Marshall room was alive with ﬂying punches and tortilla chips. Mark Jackson said, “I’m graduating; this was the best experience of my four years here. It was like a bench-clearing brawl in hockey." President Frame was one of the many people scriv ously injured in the debacle. Half of the students refused to comment on this. At around 9:00, the police arrived in full riot gear and used tear gas to disperse the violent mob. It took nearly an hour to remove the rowdy crowd. Damages to the Marshall room are in excess 01515000. The college will raise tuition in the fall to pay for the damages. Grab here to turn page
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Title: Augsburg Echo [MSAugsburg Echo] May 5, 2000, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: MAy 5, 2000 Features page 4 Penmoore suicide rocks the campus Sophomore English major leaps to his death after Nasdaq takes a plunge Norma Knowsall Co-Editor in Chief The Augsburg campus was shaken this week with the tragic suicide of sophomore Dudley Penmoore. Penmoore Ieapt to his death from...
Show moreMAy 5, 2000 Features page 4 Penmoore suicide rocks the campus Sophomore English major leaps to his death after Nasdaq takes a plunge Norma Knowsall Co-Editor in Chief The Augsburg campus was shaken this week with the tragic suicide of sophomore Dudley Penmoore. Penmoore Ieapt to his death from the top of Urness tower last week after news that his tech stock plummeted as a result of the recent Microsoft troubles. In the note he left behind. he stated. “I should have never trusted my good-for-nothing roommate. He's just trying to ﬂoat through college on his IT work study job while the few of us who are true scholars at heart suffer. ()h curse it all! My muse. my muse. why have you forsaken me?" According to sources. Ory Cull. an M13 major at Augsburg. had told Penmoore that buying tech stocks would prove to be a lucrative way to raise money for school. Penmoore. an English major. was at risk for having his grades frozen if he didn’t pay his tuition bill. He worked part-time in a used bookstore for minimum wage. and his poetry wasn‘t sell- .6. .. ‘ a 1‘!- .3:.“- vigilwiﬁ ing consistently enough to pay his bills. Cull‘s tip about the stock market caused a desperate Penmoore to sell his car and hock his CD collection to buy tech stock in late February. Several weeks later , the bottom fell out of Nasdaq. bringing Penmoore dreams along with it. “It was an honest tip.“ said Cull. “The stock was on the rise when I told him about it. How was I supposed to know that it would all go to hell?" Penmoore’s family was over- wrought with emotion. His mother. Darlene. told MSEcho. “I wish we’d have known. We would have paid his bill. But he had to do it his way and live the starving artist lifestyle. He claimed it was the only way for him to get in touch with his inner Ginsberg. Oh Dudley, my poor sweet Dudley." English professors Cass Dalglish and John Mitchell both told MSEcho that Penmoore was an above-average student. “I was hoping'to get him to edit the Echo - er, I mean the MSEcho —— next year." said Dalglish. When asked to comment on Penmoore's poetry. Mitchell mused. “His ‘0 4., .4 ‘tv f: . y r _.«f ~- words had rhythm and rhyme and carried a certain post-beat era gen-X appeal." MSEcho asked its new owner, Bill Gates, to comment on the V». g t, 5.! r. "‘ *.‘ ‘ 3‘ 25"... _. .‘i- Tani-5,1»: - .‘f‘J Photo courtesy of Lotta Gore/MSEcho The terrible sight of Penmoore‘s dead body awaited the student residents of the Urness residence hall as they woke up last Friday morning. MSEChO continued from page 1 plateau. Within two weeks. ques- tions about next year‘s editorial leadership turned into concerns regarding the renaming of Augs- burg's student newspaper. “They want to name it the MSEcho" sobbed C o—editor in Chief Kelly Johnson. “It will lose all respectability.“ Meanwhile. Microsoft cronies have invaded the lower floor of Christensen Center. Decked out in blue cotton jumpsuits printed with fluffy. white clouds (the same aesthetically pleasing motif with which Windows users are all—too—familiar), they have sur- rounded the MSEcho ofﬁce and refused to permit entry to anyone who is not computer literate. "The ﬁrst order of business." one guard growled. “is to remove those Macs from the ofﬁce and bring in professional cleaners to rid the room of all residue." The Augsburg community is invited to speak out about the hostile Microsoft takeover at a forum Friday from 11:20 pm. to 11:23 pm. Following opening remarks by a Microsoft public relations representative, students, faculty, and staff members will have the opportunity to express their feelings about the future of the MSEcho. The forum will be held on the west end of the broom closet on the main ﬂoor of Chris- tensen. Please arrive early for best seating. tragic event. Gates shook his head and said, “how unfortunate for the poor fellow. He really should have just stuck it out. Oh, ye of little faith.” Photo courtesy of Lotta Gore/MSEcho Penmoore narrowly misses impaling himself on the bicycle rack outside Urness. The impact of his fall proved fatal nonetheless. There will be a memorial ser- vice and poetry reading in honor of Penmoore in Murphy Park on Saturday at 4 pm. Spring Affair taken literally « One of Bond‘s Women Leading a life of mystery and inli‘luei, a a A number of Augsburg faculty and staff were victims of an error in communication recently. “The signs said Spring Affair," said one visibly upset professor. “I took that to mean “It’s Spring. so have an affair.‘ I didn‘t know they referred to a dance!" Apparently. other employees were in similar situations. A spokesperson for the Augsburg Student Activities Council com- mented. “We were just trying to set up a fun night for students here. We didn‘t know that the faculty would take Our posters lit- erally. We apologize for any inconvenience our negligence may have caused." One student expressed relief over what she called, “inexplica- ble difﬁculty in getting in touch with [her] advisor.” "Every time I went to her ofﬁce. the door was closed and a white washcloth was hanging on the door handle. I would call her voice mail and never get a reply. At least now I know what was going on. Whew! At least it was only a spring affair and nothing too serious." she said. When asked for comment. President Bill Frame said. “I think the college should promote these kinds of social programs more often. They really encour— age interaction among faculty and staff members." ATtention MSEcho Staffers! We wanted to thank everybody for their hard work and dedication. We couldn’t have done it without you! Good luck next year with Bill! Sincerely, Your Editors Norma Knowsall and Connie Serns
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Collegiate Press] April 25, 2008
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo [The Collegiate Press] April 25, 2008, Page 01
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: 1571.3i6Préss .- I. Seciali News Report April 25. 2008 Volume I Kari Aanestad The annual 3.5% increase in faculty salaries to provide compensation for rising costs of living will be frozen during the 2008-2009 academic school year as a result of the college’s deﬁcit from this past year’s budget....
Show more1571.3i6Préss .- I. Seciali News Report April 25. 2008 Volume I Kari Aanestad The annual 3.5% increase in faculty salaries to provide compensation for rising costs of living will be frozen during the 2008-2009 academic school year as a result of the college’s deﬁcit from this past year’s budget. The 3.5% increase will be added to salaries in two phases throughout the year only if revenue targets are met. President Paul Pribbenow and Dean Barbara Edwards Farley met with the faculty this last Tuesday to discuss the implications of the budget deﬁcit, especially concerning faculty salaries. According to Pribbenow, the deﬁcit is in large part a result of unmet goals for student retention in both the Day Undergraduate and Graduate programs. Kevin Myren, the college’s chief ﬁnancial adviser (CFO), replaced interim CFO Dan Sjoquist last April and changed the model used to estimate the costs and revenues of the college budget, aiming to most accurately predict how much it costs to run a college. lege salaries affected by recent deﬁcits “We wanted to determine whether we could afford the college we created," Pribbenow said. Myren estimated the annual operating costs of the college to be around $58 million, and last year’s budget fell within $100,000 of that mark. “We did a good analysis with what we knew,” Pribbenow said. .’-As a result of the deficit, the faculty’s annual raise will be frozenuntil student retention numbers generate the anticipated revenue. While last year’s spending was less than the anticipated $58 million. revenue did not increase as much as projected and has resulted in this year’s deﬁcit, which is less Faculty concerns Sean Stanhill Amidst news of freezing the faculty salary increase, members of the faculty have come forward with concerns regarding the reasons given by the administration Tuesday. The administration cited lower-than-expected student retention as the catalyst for actions taken; yet some of the faculty members point elsewhere. Phil Adamo, professor of history stated, “The real question is about revenue, not retention. The president is making a strawman out of student retention. The money should be made up in fundraising efforts and increasing the endowment; I haven’t heard anything about that,” Adamo said. This is commonly felt among other contributing faculty members. Kathy Swanson, departmental chair of English adds, “While retention and tuition revenue is, of course, very important, there are other means of achieving prosperity. Where are our fund- raising efforts? What progress are we making in seeking and gaining revenue from sources beyond our students and faculty?" But there are also concerns about the money that we do have and how it is being spent. Members of the faculty have also brought into question how Augsburg is spending the money it currently has and whether it’s being allocated appropriately. Again, professor Swanson contributes, "If “The real question is about revenue, not retention. The president is making a strawman out of student retention.” finances are so grim that salaries cannot keep up even with basic cost of living expenses, why in the world are (many) administrators taking trips to Nicaragua? Further, how can we justify adding even more administrative positions to a system that is already incredibly top heavy? While I recognize there is rationale in place to justify both of these very transparent and recent expenses, think about the message - real and symbolic - such expenditures convey to faculty, staff and students!" Andrew Aoki, professor of political science, stated, “I too am deeply annoyed that there is money for the administrators to travel to Central America but none for salary increases. lf economic hard times hit, sacriﬁces must be made, and salary has to take a hit. given its large presence in the budget. But there is money for a wide variety of other things. so it really is an issue of priorities. [...] We don't need yet another round of deﬁning who we are; we need a president who can show us the money." than 1% of the entire budget but directly affects faculty. adjunct, and staff salaries. Pribbenow claims the deficit is in large part due to an overestimation of student retention rates. Members of the budget committee estimated that by adding $200,000 in ﬁnancial aid. student retention rates could be boosted out of the average 78-82% range and into the 83-84% generating significant revenue in tuition dollars. The enrollment numbers of last spring semester, however, showed an only 82% retention rate, resulting in $1 million loss. As a result of the deﬁcit. the faculty’s annual raise will be frozen until student retention numbers generate the anticipated revenue. Faculty were informed on Tuesday‘s meeting that they’d receive a 2% raise on October 15‘ and will receive the remaining 1.5% raise on February 1"I if student retention rates are maintained. “The impact of the salary proposal will be to increase faculty and staff salaries by a Continued on Page 2 With such frustration among faculty members, it is important for the administration to learn from its mistakes. Doug Green, professor of English, stated, “I appreciate the honesty about the situation we're in. But I also wish that we had been getting regular reports on what Finance was ﬁnding as past audits were reviewed and as the ﬁgures came in on this year's deficit. For instance, when the retention numbers ﬂagged Continued on Page 2 Editors’ Note: The Echo will not resume its regular publication until next fall. Due to the recent news regarding the budget deﬁcit, however, former senior editors of Lhe am are publishing MM. an independent publication written, sponsored, and published by former editors. We are Augsburg students who value the indispensable importance of free, open discourse amongst community members regarding relevant issues. We are printing this publication because of our deep love for this institution. Our only intentions are to be constructive and informative. We thank all of those who supported us in our journalistic endeavors and contributed to our education. We challenge those who come aﬁer us to continue to hold Augsburg leaders accountable and engage in public discourse.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Collegiate Press] April 25, 2008, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: College salaries (Continued) combined amount of 3.5% next year. It‘s just that this increase will take place in two phases," Myren said. Myren also said, however, “[T]he raises will go into effect if budget targets are met or revenue targets are met.” “The current [budgeting] process faces better...
Show moreCollege salaries (Continued) combined amount of 3.5% next year. It‘s just that this increase will take place in two phases," Myren said. Myren also said, however, “[T]he raises will go into effect if budget targets are met or revenue targets are met.” “The current [budgeting] process faces better stewardship and the reality of our college's ﬁnances...As Augsburg is extremely tuition dependent, the reality is expenses cannot be increased without tuition existing,” Myren said. Political Science Professor Andrew Aoki, however, suggested fundraising as a viable yet under-pursued alternative to the college’s tuition dependence. Other members of the faculty voiced concerns about the implications of the deﬁcit solution. English professor Bob Cowgill said, “This cut is both real and symbolic. We’re happy to help the college out, but one can’t help but ask if other areas are being considered for cuts also." He then noted _$2 million is spent annually on on travel, and the college is currently seeking to hire a top administrative level position. English Department chair Kathryn Swanson said, “Faculty are the main conduits to the students’ college experience; yet, when trouble happens we’re the ﬁrst to get hit.” Transforming Administration Aaron Wells Well, despite our best efforts, it would seem that the Augsburg Echo alarmists are once again doing what we are best at: alarming. As the editors’ note so aptly conveyed, however, I think it is important to emphasize that this is not a parting shot on the behalf of Augsburg’s journalists, nor is it a deﬁnitive criticism of this institution, nor is it an attack on the administration at large. It is simply an attempt to clarify, for students, what is going on at our college. More importantly though, it is to make all aware of the ﬁnancial crises we are facing and the sacriﬁces that are being made by the most valuable members of our community. This situation has brought into sharp relief what has been an ongoing problem at our institution: despite the efforts of our dedicated journalistic staff, we have been forced time and time again to get last minute or late information. Every detail we are able to deliver is the result of painstaking, teeth- pulling questioning of our leaders. I do not question their good intentions. However, I must say quite frankly that I am extremely tired of dealing with an administration that never communicates with student journalists or the student body at large before these major decisions are made. The administration never volunteers information cooperatively even when asked, and incessantly continues to chafe at Augsburg’s student journalists for even slight errors, when it is absolutely and deﬁnitively their fault that we are never, ever, ever given adequate or advance information. On behalf of future students and journalists of this college, I want to strongly encourage members of the administration such as Kevin Myren and Paul Pribbenow to stop showing their impatience to students who wish to be informed and start INF ORMING THEM!!! I hate to lapse into melodramatics, but nothing could possibly be more vital to a healthy community than transparency and the free flow of information. All ofthat said, we have an issue at hand to deal with it, and deal with it we shall. Because of the late arrival of this information and this announcement (most of what we now know was discovered only hours before printing this publication), lam not going to enter into the semantics debate over what exactly happened, how exactly it will be “phased” in, or what the precise ﬁnancial repercussions are going to be for our faculty. What we do know is that Augsburg College is facing ﬁnancial difﬁculties, and that the faculty are going to be the ﬁrst to pay for it. Most important to gather from this information is that right or wrong, willing or unwilling, our faculty is making a sacriﬁce for us, the students. Moreover, our faculty’s families are making sacriﬁces, and their lives will be altered to try to support us, the students. Moreover, the very fact that the faculty is going to take the lion’s share of the burden of this ﬁnancial crisis sends a disturbing message from the administration. It seems to indicate that despite the fact that it was administrative miscalculation and a lack of fundraising on the part of the administration that brought us to this point, it is the faculty who have been pushing this institution to progress over the decades who are going to shoulder most of the burden for these mistakes. It places a symbolic fault with the victims of these problems, victims who have already been suffering from what is in many cases a ﬂat budget over years of increased demand. Yet, all have remained dedicated to Augsburg. Understand that these are faculty members who in many cases could take jobs in their respective ﬁelds making three, four, ﬁve times what they make at Augsburg, but have remained. I have to imagine that there are many who are beginning to wonder what they are remaining for, not because of their ﬁnances, but because they are not being respected. I want to recognize the fact that President Pribbenow and most of our administrative officials are decent, hard- working people who genuinely care for our school. That’s not what this is about. This is about deciding, as a community, what kind of atmosphere and what kind of values we want to maintain. I ﬁrmly believe that if we keep on this course, we are going to stray from what many of us envision Augsburg to be. So what kinds of solutions could be envisioned that would eliminate the sting that the faculty is currently feeling? For one thing, it would be nice to see more dedication coming ﬁom the top. The interim president who replaced Paul Pribbenow at his former institution, Rockford College, inherited an Faculty concerns (Continued) this spring, we should have been apprised of the matter and prepared for its implications. Good stewardship includes husbanding human resources as well as material ones." With regards to the budget not being available last semester, Adamo added, “We’re given what we’re given and we have to try to read between the lines, see a bigger picture. Had we had a budget sooner, more people would have known about this problem sooner.” enormous ﬁnancial crisis. What was his response? He voluntarily cut his own pay in half. Of course, I am not suggesting that this is anything short of extraordinary, and it cannot be expected of every president or every administrator to act in this manor. I am not even saying that the administration has not made sacriﬁces; in fact, I would be shocked if they haven’t. I would say, however, that a public gesture of solidarity and a shift in policy toward inclusive, united, responsibility- sharing action would be a refreshing change. Finally, I have a point to make that may be a bit more sensitive. Nobody likes this aspect of college life less than I do, but the primary responsibility of our college president is fundraising. More important than over or under-estimating student retention or any other variation in Augsburg’s ﬁnances, an effective, strong fundraiser could make all the difference for our college. As Professor Lapakko so succinctly put it, “It’s nice if he wants to participate in the lefse vs. luteﬁsk debate, and it’s nice if he wants to talk in chapel. I’d rather see him out having lunch with very rich people every day.” Little enough is known right now of our changing ﬁnancial status that it would be difﬁcult to make a deﬁnitive statement about the correctness of administrative decision making. What is truly important at this point, is that the student body demands to remain informed and acts as a watchdog to make sure that responsibility is properly placed and that our institution remains fair, united, and inclusive in the decision-making process. No one wishes to end this extremely successful year on a bad note. To continue our success, however, it is vital that everyone remains informed, participates, and actively helps to create a vision of a strong, value-based community. Written, Edited, and Produced by: Kari Aanested Sean Stanhill Aaron Wells Brian Krohn Andrea Sanow
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Vision 2004: Space Oddity] April 1, 2001
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo [Vision 2004: Space Oddity] April 1, 2001, Page 01
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: pril 1; 2001 Volume 107 Issue 17 In this issue: Lies, page 2 More lies, page 3 Still more lies, page 4 President’s wife to join hini in China Photo courtesy of www.pandaphotos.com Derrida. President Frame’s pet panda, is not pleased about Frame’s decision to journey to China. Derrida and...
Show morepril 1; 2001 Volume 107 Issue 17 In this issue: Lies, page 2 More lies, page 3 Still more lies, page 4 President’s wife to join hini in China Photo courtesy of www.pandaphotos.com Derrida. President Frame’s pet panda, is not pleased about Frame’s decision to journey to China. Derrida and President Frame are upset because Derrida will now have to let Frame sleep in the bed. Double the Tuition; Double the Fun Tuition hike stuns students Manny S. Snowobiect EE§C,QQtre3pondent- , The President’s Office announced Tuesday a 100 percent increase in tuition. effective Fall 2001. The tuition change comes just days after the Center for Service, Work, and Learning reported a 30 percent rise in students enrolling for the purpose of “education.” “It's a real disappointment,” said English professor John Mitchell. “College is a time to empty the bank account, not to ﬁll the brain with useless facts." When students were asked what impact the tuition hike' would make, they gave varied responses. One freshman held up his Student Identiﬁcation card and said, “I'll just tell them to put it on my student account.“ A group of sophomores engaged in ﬁerce debate in Mur— phy‘s. “I don’t know what I’ll do,” said one. “My full—time job as a systems analyst at 3M won’t pay for this school anymore.” A weekend college student, a senior advertising account execu- tive, shared her view. “Augsburg is just too expensive for me now. i would need to strike gold in Murphy Park [to meet tuition costs]." One senior yelped with joy and clicked his heels in the air when he heard about Augsburg's plan to double tuition. “I‘m going far. far, far away," he explained. “I won’t have to worry about the plight of my fellow students from my post as Burger King day shift manager in Kalamazoo, Michi— gan. Ha!“ Student Senate has considered taking action on the matter. “We were thinking of amending the constitution to read “tuition hike veto power” under presidential powers," said David Asp. Student Body President. The phrase would join the already controversial “omni- science." “flight,” and “anything he/she pleases” powers granted to the president. At the All—Hands meeting dur- ing which President “William Frame outlined the college’s Augsburg 2004 plan, Frame praised the rise in tuition. “The innately inherent quality of an Augsburg education must be reﬂected in, around, and under the auspices of undeniably impecca- ble instruction put forth from the classrooms of this great commu- nity," he said. Translation: “Double the tuition: double the fun!" Candles controversy Old Flame One H9tMomma ..,. .. Augsburg held a student forum last Wednesday evening to hear concerns about new dormitory regulations. The rules. effective immediately. ban candles from residence halls at the college. “We really feel that candles are the devil." explained Ann Klamer. Director of Residence Life. “Also, recent tests have shown that they are highly ﬂammable.“ The student reaction has yet to rise above apathy, but the college is planning defensive measures in case of a protest. “We have asked that the stu- dents think rationally about the regulation." said Dean of Students Kris Kimball. “It’s not like we're taking away their booze or any- thing." When asked about the candle rule, one Umess Hall resident responded. “Yeah. I don't care about the candles too much. but can I keep my pet dragon. Puﬁ‘? I really enjoy him. if you know what l Last semester the Echo reported that Augsburg President Frame was giving up his comfort- able home in Minneapolis to join his panda friends in China. Now. his wife Ann Frame has decided to join him. “I had hoped to enjoy a break from my husband‘s constant chat— ter. He uses such big words." said Frame. “However, it takes so long for him to tell me anything that our long distance bill has got- ten too expensive." Frame announced her decision after a recent convocation. Presi— dent Frame attended the convoca— tion via teleconference. President Frame interrupted his wife by saying. “What started for me as an endeavor to immerse myself metaphysically into the world while discovering my own personal pedagogy and epistemol— ogy has slowly evolved into an ontology that supersedes any vocation. My wife has wisely decided to partake in this." Most Augsburg faculty, staff and students had not known that President Frame would be at the convocation. Without their neces- sary, Augsburg-issued dictionar- ies. few people in the room knew what was going on. Frame sighed and shook her head while rolling her eyes and sticking her tongue out at the back of the TV screen. Finally, as the audience under— stood the purpose of Frame‘s announcement, students reacted to the news. “Dude. l didn‘t know the l’rcx- idcnt had a wile." \lllti onc wrestler. "\Va} tugoprw, You‘re the man?" Meanwhile the \VliC studcnt who attended the convocation said. "I cannot believe she has the time to run off to China. I was like that before I bcc.unc .l mature. responsible adult \L‘cklllg an education, Non l haw to Iukc care of my husband. m_\ l\\o kids. my dog and my career." Frame leaves at the end of the semester to join her husband and his panda friends. She looks lor— ward to living in a bamboo but and wearing those weird square. pointy hats. Security Alert: Bigfoot spotted roaming Murphy Park at night.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Vision 2004: Space Oddity] April 1, 2001, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: April 1, 2001 Lies and Rumors page 2 Over-filled parking lots could mean under-attended classes Ben Demio Ver Staff Humorist 7 W W 77 The recent parking committee decision to open the tennis court parking lot to faculty and staff has encouraged resident students to stop attending classes. When...
Show moreApril 1, 2001 Lies and Rumors page 2 Over-filled parking lots could mean under-attended classes Ben Demio Ver Staff Humorist 7 W W 77 The recent parking committee decision to open the tennis court parking lot to faculty and staff has encouraged resident students to stop attending classes. When students purchase an on-campus parking permit, they are not guaranteed a spot. Facilities Management over- sells the permits by ﬁve percent, so the spots are always ﬁlled and space is not wasted. (Students should be warned that security will ticket cars parked haphazardly on the lawn. despite the lack of parking spaces and the prominent parking permit.) Three years ago the College decided the tennis teams were not performing up to the Division III standard. and cut the tennis teams. With no tennis teams, the College did not need the courts for any purpose so they created the courts into parking spaces. By creating the parking spaces, the College also solved another pesky little problem. Apparently. families from the community would share court time with the tennis teams. The College tried to charge the families a monthly fee to use thc courts, but the families refused to pay. Therefore. the College voted unanimously for parking spots, not courts. Initially. the spots were allotted for resident students. Gradually. the commuter students were encouraged to park in that lot. The parking availability for residents grew more scarce because the entire lot was still counted in the ﬁve per— cent over—sell. But students were still able to leave campus by car and return for classes. That return became unavail- Now, students cannot leave campus and expect there to be a spot available in any campus lot. Well, that statement is not entirely true. There are plenty of empty spaces on campus. The empty spots are in the faculty lots. Because many Augsburg students work off campus, keeping in the tradition of getting into and experiencing the city, students are now not encouraged to return to the Col— lege for their classes. They are not encouraged to return because there is not a spot welcoming them back to the campus. Many Augsburg students have decided to transfer to the University of Minnesota, since there are several parking ramps and parking spaces on their campus, which indicates they care to welcome their students back to campus. Some students were confused and parked in the Fairview River- side parking ramp and are now roaming around the hospital impersonating doctors. If parking spaces are not created for students, the Col- lege will be comprised of commuters, faculty, and the few resident students who are able to ﬁnd parking spots. And New Hall students who have taken out loans to pay for their underground parking space. One solution presented by Facilities Management is for resident students to carpool from their hovels on the U cam- pus or the Fairview Riverside parking ramp with commuter students or faculty members. Of course, there are those few (tenured) faculty members who claim their classes are com— pletely comprised of resident students who cannot ﬁnd parking spaces, and have decided to cancel their remaining able with the College's recent decision. classes for the next three years. Screw Harvard Law, says the new Chancellor Asp Fan Staff Humorist 7 H W 7 7 Student Body Chancellor David Asp recently overruled the student body’s recent election of Brendan Anderson as their President for the 2001-2002 school year when he announced to a bored sym- posium that he turned down a full schol— arship to Harvard Law School to continue as Student Body President. Asp‘s ﬁrst act as the President for next year was to change the title from President to Chancellor. He decided the change should be made for the student who serves for three consecutive years. Since Asp is the ﬁrst to meet these requirements. he decided he needed to respectfully accept the new position. Asp became President this year when the original executive board dismantled. ' He stepped through the ranks and over the bodies to the coveted middle seat at the table in front of the Marshall Room. (Asp now has taken up residence in the Marshall Room. where he sleeps on the head table. Those who wish to use the Marshall Room for meeting purposes can contact Asp by rapping softly on the door between 11am to 11pm.) Extremely involved senator Zabel said, “Ever since Asp took ofﬁce, I haven't had to attend as many meetings. It’s really freed up my time for my fam- ily, my 40-hour a week job, and my pet." Asp was taken into custody during Spring Break when he was caught run- ning around campus screaming repeat- edly, “I won’t leave until it’s Asp University!” Asp was released when security rec— ognized Asp‘s adorable face. They apol- ogized repeatedly while following Asp’s request for them to bow during the apol— ogy. Asp has continued his quest to control the campus by giving each student a small transmitter that is to be placed in each student’s ear to allow them to con— stantly hear the prophesies of the Chan- cellor. If you would like to contact the Chan- cellor. you can email his assistant who will not return your call because his time is too important to spend on students. “I ate his liver with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti. Pfffup! Pﬁup!“ -Elroy Stock “1 don‘t love anyone else. and ‘ l l “I know President Frame doesn‘t New major proposed Augsburg student athletes and faculty members strike a deal and learn to compromise Gym Class Staff Humorist g_g In a unanimous decision by the Augsburg Athletic Departtnent, student athletes will now be called Athletic Students and emphasis will be placed on majors that are easily accom- plished with electives. The faculty and the Registrar’s Ofﬁce have agreed to name the new major'Athletic Studies. According to anonymous sources, the new major will train students to become like those ex—jock, ridiculously boring history and sex education high school teachers. Always a tough dilemma is the need for a student to take a particular class to graduate despite that class conﬂicting with athletic practices. Many athletic programs, such as wrestling and hockey. ﬁnd it difﬁcult for their athletes to attend these important classes dur- ing J-terrn and still be apart of the team. A new major, Athletic Studies, was pro— posed as students w0uld have to study and document randomly selected case studies in the community and accomplish the major out- side of practice. Some of the proposed cases include a study on the marketing of teenagers inside professional sporting events and a complete seminar on the preparation of a professional athlete's pre-game habits. By immersing a student completely in the sports culture, the faculty hope a greater appreciation for the relationship between the major and real life hardship is seen. One member commented, “Who’s more well-known currently and is necessary for this generation to be familiar with. Augustus Caesar or Shaquille O’Neal? The students need a more balanced approach to education and this new major will do it." The athletic program is also cooperating with the business department in creating a new class that will cover the basics necessary for a potential professional athlete to succeed ﬁnancially. The course’s focus will be to show where and how a professional athlete can set aside a large portion of their salary for later donation for the underground stadium project. whenlthinkabouthiml touch liketobeseenasacorpm'atesell- than 10 peopleunderstandthat myself. Ooh! Oooh! Oooooooh!” out, but hey, if the glove ﬁts...” visionary thing." -Pee-Wee Herman -OJ. Simpson -Bill Gates “I’ll bet my fortune that no more “I borrowed much of its language for my letters. That guy knows how to write. Down with IT!” -Unibomber (or just Ted)
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Vision 2004: Space Oddity] April 1, 2001, Page 03
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: «:9 .ia «a» April 1, 2001 "Mayhem and Madness page 3 President Frame’s fifth initiative, effort to improve the status of women Glass Blower Staff Humorist Ediewkated Wumun Daft Writer desperate and ruthless in their attempts to land post-graduation jobs. Students assembled at St. Paul’s Excel...
Show more«:9 .ia «a» April 1, 2001 "Mayhem and Madness page 3 President Frame’s fifth initiative, effort to improve the status of women Glass Blower Staff Humorist Ediewkated Wumun Daft Writer desperate and ruthless in their attempts to land post-graduation jobs. Students assembled at St. Paul’s Excel Energy Center two hours before the fair opened i and crowded the doors to President Frame and the College Council have unveiled the newest j the addition to the 2004 statement. The initiative, long overdue, calls for the . demolition of the glass ceiling and boosts the visibility of women. The initiative will change the Augsburg College sign on the top of Mortensen Tower. The new sign will read “Thank God for Women." Frame is excited to support both women and diversity on Augsburg’s campus and I-94. Frame has also called for a national skirt day. On April 1, all mem- ‘ bers of faculty, administration, and staff will be forced to wear skirts or dresses Professor Phil A. Quanbeck, II. is ecstatic about the skirt day. “I ‘ think that this is a wonderful idea. I have been told that nylons can be uncomfortable, but after the event, we can use the nylons as ﬁshing nets." Professor John Mitchell is worried that students will tape small mir— rors to their shoes, so he plans to wear bloomers underneath his skirt. Professor Andy Aoki has been practicing for the event, but he has been having some difﬁculty."I don‘t know how the Scottish do it,” said Aoki. “I feel a constant draft and keep spraining my ankles on these heels." The women are excited about the new initiatives, but some are upset about skirts becoming equated with the female sex. Some faculty mem- bers are planning to boycott the April 1 festivities by burning their skirts ‘ in efﬁgy and by wearing jock straps outside their trousers. When'usked about the unforseen opposition to the initiative, Frame ‘ responded, “I have been chasing skirts all my life. Phooey!" interviewing area. To weed out potential competition, many stu- dents locked their fellow classmates in bathrooms and broom closets, tore their suit jackets, and ﬂushed their resumes down the toilets. When 9:00 am. struck, students beat open the doors and a massive sea of post-ado- lescent men and women i’Last week, ACTC’s Private College Job Fair went terribly awry when Augsburg students became ACTC Job Fair runs amuck Students take desperate measures to [and jobs one recognized their still—twitching classmates. Emergency medical technicians we on site all day to aid trample victims and to revive students who had passed out from too—tight neckties and pantyhose. Once amidst the job rep— resentatives, students went into a frenzy, throwing themselves at the feet of the representa— tives and offering sexual favors or money in exchange for a career. One Augsburg senior. Harry P. Ness. shouted. “I've got the biggest schwank of any man here! Give me the job, and I'll show you what success is made of!" After an hour into the job fair. representatives began turning away the crazed stu— dents and posted signs like, “We want to see your resumes, not your tits," and, “We care about the quality of your resume, not the length of your Johnson." All students in hal- wearing black and navy business suits surged into the demonstration area and overtook their poten- tial employers. In the rush, 62 students were mine! All mine!" injuries from projectile briefcases. Augsburg student Trevor Johnson fled from - the job fair, holding a stack of stolen resumes in his hand and screaming, “The jobs are trampled over; four died, 28 suffered from puncture wounds from ladies’ pumps, and 16 received head It took over two hours to identify the bodies because everyone was wearing the same suit, so no ter-tops and thong bikinis were asked to leave. Those who were naked were escorted to a back room and spanked. At the end of the fair. stu- dents limped away. bedraggled and disenchanted about their futures because of the day’s events. However, when the ECHO asked stu— dents if they would return to next year's fair. one Auggie exclaimed, “You’re f***ing right! But next year I’m bringing my tazer gun!" Parking problem solved by underground stadium that adds 150 more parking spots for students Fiery Exeell Staff Humorist In the search for a solution to Augsburg’s parking prob- lem, the athletic department recently unveiled plans to con- struct a $10 million dollar underground stadium. The stadium’s structure could support 150 more cars, allowing for a much more accessible Si Melby Hall. The stadium is entirely encased in a steel super-structure that will hold the more than 30000 pounds atop a foot concrete layer. The school can also use the stadium for a nuclear bomb shelter as a power generator, 1000 gallon water sup- ply. and a massive 20 year food supply will allow Augs- burg students to survive a nuclear holocaust. Automotive engineers for Firestone approved the plans for a parking lot, guaranteeing that the stadium will not collapse. Said a Firestone representative, “We feel conﬁ- dent that our venture with Augsburg College will prove as Ryan Mclntosh negotiating wit NHL team for play-off push Tampa Bay Lightning desperate for playoﬁ‘ goalie and McIntosh is their last hope successful and provide equal media exposure as our part- nership with Chevrolet with the Blazer.” Augsburg’s stadium will have one major hurdle to over- come as the stadium seeks to seat more than 1500 people, but due to the 30 massive beams needed to support the weight, stadium seating is unavailable. The alternative seating plan calls for 1200 mats to sit on right next to the sidelines so the fans get the closest they can to the athletes. Another predicament is that the con- struction of the stadium outweighs the cost of all the other athlch facilities however; the football, soccer, baseball, softball and track coaches all agreed that more parking would serve the greater good of students who do not partic- ipate in sports. One coach was over heard saying that the stadium would not create tension in the athletic department but would solve problems such as the need for an indoor track, h M ET THE ECHO STAFF mm Andrea Cobery a grass football field, improved hitting cages, and jumping pits that all the athletes need. One opponent wondered why not improve other things that also need improvement like increasing the athletic training room, adding a volleyball only court, expanding the wrestling room, or remodeling the second ice arena. Not wanting to comment due directly. the opponent wanted to generously distribute money equally. Proponents of the plan have stated that the stadium would be cool and would attract many recruits for the dif- ferent sports teams. The increased exposure is the benefit to teams like Men's and Women‘s Golf. The plan will be submitted and most likely approved as the Athletic department would like to get the stadium built before the end of the decade so students who are here now will see it by the time they graduate. mmunit lues Edit r Laura Walden Wayne Gottagoalie Staff Humorist 7 7 M W W W The Tampa Bay Lightning began their quest for the play-offs by continuing negotiations Augsburg goalie Ryan McIntosh. Many skeptics question whether a kid with only two games experience deserves the type of attention the Lightning have given Mclntosh, but the spokesperson for the Lightning are optimistic despite being mathematically eliminated for over a month. "We are looking at this as a calculated move towards making the play-065." said 3 Lightning spokesperson. “We think that he will stick with the Tampa Bay franchise not for money but for our sto- ried history.” . That history includes an appearance in the 1996 play-offs, and NHL attendance records. McIntosh made his first professional starts during spring break this year and had allowed only one goal in two games played. Mclntosh is playing with the Quad City Mallards. a team that hosted former Augsburg Auggie Many Hlinka who currently is in the AHL with the Portland Pirates. Mclntosh is upbeat but realistic, sighting that despite being a four—time MIAC All-Conference selection, he is a rookie on a veteran team with Quad City. As for the Lightning, they are still the Tampa Bay Lightning and being signed by them wouldn’t be bad but they aren't good either. 9091 Editor Nicki Ziegler Fatoumata Diagne Features Editor Layout Editor Erica Huls Greg Solheid magma; News Edit—0f Keneeshia Williams Maggie Weller As i t E i r_ AsscwiateN,___ew_s_Ed_itQI Paul Putt Kellen Bredesen QommissiOtﬁt QDJLiQLESiiﬂ Angela Rieger David Rettenmaier Fag!!ng Adv_i§9r AQE Editor Boyd Koehler Allison Heimkes The Augsburg Echo is published each Friday —- except during interim, vacation periods, and holida s —— by t_e students of Augsburg Colle e, 73] 21st Avenue .‘outh, Minneapolis, Minnesota 554 4. O inions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily re ect those of the supporting stall, administration, faculty, or the remainder of the students. The lit-ho does not necessarily promote the roducts or servrces it advertises. The Echo ofﬁce can be reach at (612) 330-1102, at campus box #148 or e-mail: echo@au&s)'burg.edu. Annual subscri tion rate $35. . Printed with 'nt Group Midwest on recycled paper
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Title: Augsburg Echo [Vision 2004: Space Oddity] April 1, 2001, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: April 1, 2001 Craziness and Antics page 4 THE STEPUP PROGRAM WILL HOLD A SYMPOSIUM ON APRIL 6TH FROM 1:00PM-5: 00PM, IN THE CHAPEL. THE ONE-DAY EVENT WILL Focus ON THE EDUCATIONAL NEEDS OF YOUNG PEOPLE RECOVERING FROM ADDICTION. WILLIAM MOYERS, FROM THE JOHNSON INSTITUTE FOUNDATION, WILL M.C. THE...
Show moreApril 1, 2001 Craziness and Antics page 4 THE STEPUP PROGRAM WILL HOLD A SYMPOSIUM ON APRIL 6TH FROM 1:00PM-5: 00PM, IN THE CHAPEL. THE ONE-DAY EVENT WILL Focus ON THE EDUCATIONAL NEEDS OF YOUNG PEOPLE RECOVERING FROM ADDICTION. WILLIAM MOYERS, FROM THE JOHNSON INSTITUTE FOUNDATION, WILL M.C. THE AFFAIR. CONGRESSMAN JIM RAMSTAD AND SENATOR PAUL WELLSTONE WILL GIVE A PRESENTATION ENTITLED, “THINKING AHEAD: OUR NATIONAL DRUG STRATEGY, EDUCATION, & THE RECOVERY MOVEMENT." / H \ onors Review DO you have an essay, poem. music. or art that you want published on one of the top 10 most visited honors program web sites in the country? Any undergraduate student may send SmelSSlOHS or sumessIon Ideas for the RACE: DIVIDING AND UNITING ()I’I’()R'l‘l'\ll'lli\' I-:\IS”I‘ IOR S'I'I I)I~:\I'S 'l't) III: I\\OI.\ H) l\ 'IIII-1 l'l.\\\l\(; \\l) (‘\RR\ N; OI'T OI 'l‘llli 2001-2 ('()\\()- (‘\'|'l()\ SLRIILs. THI. 'IOI'It‘. Ru'liz I)I\IIII\O \\I)l'\I'I’- I\(;. siIOILI) III. OI‘ (IRLu IVI'I-:RI:s'I' ()\ ‘l’llli (' mm s. 'I'O sIIIIIax'Is. I'u'I III \\I) S'III'I'. TIII,RI: “II! III: l-'I\l. OR sO (‘()\\()(‘\l‘l()\5 l\ \\lll(‘ll HR (‘0! II) II \\ I. \ I’\R'l‘. RIVERBOAT CREW Come aboard Mississippi Riverboats this summer! Boat, Office, & Photo crew needed for passenger vessels in St. Paul & MPLS. Full time seasonal positions available APR thru OCT; variety of hours. Start CLEARCorps: Take action in the community. Work full time as Americorps Volunteer ﬁghting childhood lead poisoning, through light carpentry, painting, and education and community outreach. Earn $1000.00 a month, paid health insurance, paid childcare, and a generous education award. Opportunities to work locally and in greater Minnesota. If you want to make a difference, Call Dan at 612-872-3287 $8.00/hr, PLUS incentives. Padelford Packet Boat 00., Harriet Island, St. Paul MN 55107. 651-227-1100 or 800- 543-3908—website: www.pade|fordboats.com TIII-1RI-1 .\II(;II'I‘ \I.sO III; I:\I~;\‘Is RI-:I.\II\(; 'l'() 'l‘lllz \ IsI'I' OI‘ Mu \ .>\\(;l-‘.l,()l'. Deadline for submission is II‘ \()l' \\()l LI) LIRI: 'I‘O III: April 15. A l’\R'l‘ ()F 'I‘HI: I'l.\\.\l,\(; PROCESS OI‘ ’l‘lllisli (.'()N\'()('.\- TIONS. PLEASE LI: \VI: A NUTE FOR KARI Ll‘t‘lV \T (‘\\lPl'S BOX 2743 OR CALL DR. BRI't'I: RI-:I(‘HI:NII\(‘H \I‘ 1094. Honors Review. Send to huls@augsburg.edu. Student Body: The Concerns Committee of the Augsburg Student Government has recently launched an innovative way for YOU to make sure YOUR concerns are heard by maxi- mizing transfer efﬁcency through the power of EMAIL. If you have a concern simply email it to us at (con- cems@augsburg.edu). The Concerns Committee will then take appropriate action in organizing a solution to your problem. -Concerns Committee, Student Government Qucstions‘f Contact Jessica Norman VIa email at norman@augsburgcdu. \__/ Earn $75] Issue I The Echo is now hiring for next year’s positions! fOI' info: echo@augsburg.edu 7 Job Search MAJOR Strategies career assessments ...----_.-..s-..-..-.._--_-~-1 Resume Writing JOB ? Recruiters Community Service interviewing skills internships 7 We can be your new best friend! We have the tools you need to get a jump start on life otter college. Come visit us today! Oennr for Service, Work and Leanhg First Floor Memorial Hal Free COOKIES the tot Wednesday of every month 2:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. ‘ n-campus Alumni Job Fair” Seniors! Are you looking for a job after graduation ? Attend the ﬁrst Augsburg Alumni Job Fair! Tuesday, April 10‘” 5:00 p.m — 8:00 p.m Christensen Center Augsburg alumni will be on campus representing their companies and looking to talk With Qeniors about possible employment opportunities. APfi|2I4I5 ENOPM Science123 Wm Sponsored by: Augsburg Alumni Relations Ofﬁce The Alumni Board Center for Service.Work. and Learning. Pall-HIE {ﬁn mOn'mmrren For more information call x1148
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Title: Augsburg Echo[Libel] April 1, 2005
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo[Libel] April 1, 2005, Page 01
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: thm-c'err“ “" April 1,2005 Volume 1 1 1 INDEX DENOUNCEMENT .... .. MISDIRECTION ........ .. OUTRIGHT LIES ........ .. CANDY ...................... .. ......................... ..page 1 ......................... ..page 2 ........................ ..page 3 ....................... ..pages 4 Student...
Show morethm-c'err“ “" April 1,2005 Volume 1 1 1 INDEX DENOUNCEMENT .... .. MISDIRECTION ........ .. OUTRIGHT LIES ........ .. CANDY ...................... .. ......................... ..page 1 ......................... ..page 2 ........................ ..page 3 ....................... ..pages 4 Student Press Receives 2004-2005 Transforming Education Award Evan Boyd One Silly Kitten College oﬁicials recently an- nounced that the Echo has been awarded the 2004—2005 Transforrn- ing Education award. The presti— gious honor is given annually to the campus organization that most frilly supports the College’s mission to transform the lives of students. President Frame said that one of the deciding factors was the newspaper’s repeated ability to pro- voke dialogie within the Augsburg community. “It’s amazing that President Frame has been willing to acknowl- edge the paper‘s accomplishments this year," said Co—Managing Editor Carolyn Herman. “But I guess our policy of biting our thumbs has re- ally paid off." Frame believes that, since the paper is free from the constraints of the College’s Alumni/Parent and Public Relations offices. it truly shows how the campus is an incuba— tor of debate and dialogue. Students are not only given information in the classroom, but also allowed the chance to express their own views on what they deem important and grow from new information. “I don’t think any other volume has had so much support,” said news editor Jeff Moores. “I mean, really. We get more and more letters to the editor every week. It’s ﬂat- tering. Each unopened envelope is like a round of applause waiting to happen.” Moores explained that, while the staff would love the time to open each letter, they are too dedicated to schoolwork to get around to most of them. One member of the awards committee, who wished to remain anonymous, believes that the Echo has'operated as an outstanding stu- dent press organization throughout the year and its staff has acted extremely professional throughout the year. "The paper‘s ability to cut to the core of an issue reminds me of my own undergraduate years work— ing for the student press,“ the judge reﬂected. Director of Admissions Sally Daniels also praised the work of this year’s Echo. “I often show prospective students a recent Echo to explain exactly what ‘Transforming Edu— cation’ is all about," she said. “They learn from this incomparable weekly paper that even Michael Jackson’s sex life can be openly discussed on our campus," Many students also weighed in on the debate—while the award is chosen annually by both the Alumni/Parent Relations Board and the Public Relations department. students are asked to make nomina- tions. Brett Cease, an RA in Urness, said he has noticed fewer and fewer copies of the Echo used to papier- maché bathroom ceilings or to soak up bodily ﬂuids after weekend par- ties. “Students are actually reading the paper this year." he said. “And those Dan Katz articles worked great when we decoupage-d our lounge fumiture!“ The Echo staffeelebrated with a gleefuljaunt to New York City under the guise ofa collegiate media con- ference. Future co-managing editors Julie Nelson and Matt Broughton have yet to return. Nelson is rumored to have been scouted by a vice president of a Fortune 500 company for unknown purposes: Broughton is thought to The image to the left is the SAlS—Novartis Prize for Excellence in International Journalslm, It is not the award we won. However. we are tired of staging pictures for this wretched joke issue. So not only are we going to lie, we're going to be exceedingly blatant about lying. Deal with it, illl.l‘lk‘ ti)k|!1\\\ u \e . m \lll‘ be lost somewhere near A\enue T in Brooklyn. btit his tracking signal is growing faint. Hennan said next year looks bright. though star commentator Katz will most likely be out ol‘the picture. Sad. we know. “But we‘ll win again." she said. “Sho' ‘nuff. gangsta!" re— sounded Keme Hawkins. A&li editor. News Editor Stages Coup Physics Student Moores Takes Control, Revamps Echo Carolyn Herman Rime of the Ancient Betty Echo News Editor Jeff Moores staged a bloodless coup over spring break. usurping control of the Echo and reassigning former Co—Managing Editors Carolyn Herman and Evan Boyd to menial tasks. Details of the coup. which Moores has termed “Usurpgate,” remain unclear, but wit- nesses say it involved seven Angoran yetis . and a paisley davenport. Once Moores had seized the ofﬁce, Her- man and Boyd attempted a counterstrike. However, they were forced to surrender when they were inundated with Moores‘ large collection of John Tesh albums. “I’m still spinning." said Herman in an interview supervised by new Staﬂ‘Henchper- son Dagmar Olaffson. “Literally—Jeff has me spinning old issues of the Echo into dust rufﬂes for his daybed.“ Olaffson then bludgeoned Herman for failing to refer to Moores by his new title, Managing Sir Peabody. Moores. who refused to meet with repon- ers. issued comments through Alphonse. the new Misdirection Editor. “Sir Peabody felt he had a headache. which he took as a clear sign from Odin that he should usurp control of the Echo." said Alphonse. whose last name has been deleted from public records at Moores' behest. “He plans to restructure the paper along guidelines dictated to him by his messenger bag. which is allegedly possessed by the spirit of Rupen Murdoch." Boyd said he had thought Moores might cause some trouble. but the scope of Usurp— gate was beyond anything he had expected. “One reader even suggested we ﬁre him at the end oflast semester." said Boyd. “You can bet your left-handed tuna that we wish we had listened.“ Moores has made several structural al- terations to the paper. which he has renamed the Augsburg College Libel. The new sections of the paper are: Mis— direction, Denouncement, Outright Lies, and Candy. Moores also in- tends to saturate each issue in honey mus- tard prior to distribu- tion and will phase out the use of com- mas in an eight-step process. Moores has dis- posed of all the Echo computers and de- creed that Herman and Boyd engrave each issue into the carpet before sending it oﬁ to the printers. “It really slows the process down," said Herman, who was unable to continue due to the large chunk of carpet lodged in her trachea. The former section editors and staff writ- ers have been collectively ﬁred. According to Alphonse. Moores said they were getting too purple. and needed a strong befuddling. there. erg?” Ancient sailors thought manatees (above), were mermaids. Apparently, Disney missed the great animated musical opportunity Image courtes} a it a marine» allpapcr k“lli Perfects Time Travel Carl Grulke Owes Me His First-Bom Child Dan Schwendtner. an Augsburg College Physics major, has discovered the equation for time travel. to the shock and chagrin of the physics community. Schwendtner. ajunior. had been working on his quantum physics project and found that there was just not enough time to complete the assignment by the due date. His solution? “Since there wasn‘t enough time. I decided to make more.“ Physicists have worked with the theory oftime travel for many years and many be- lieve it to be theoretically pos- sible, although most believed it to be nearly impossible. But Schwendtner refused to believe them. insisting there must be a way to get around that. And apparently he has found that way. The theory and practice of Schwendtner‘s discm cry are still in the infant stages of testing. but there have already been multiple attempts to obtain the informa— tion from Schwendtner, He claims to have foiled no less than six attempts to steal the calculations from his pos— session: he also claims to have foiled these attempts by warning his past self to change the location of the information. Schwendtner has also had setcral offers from the United States government for the rights to the discovery. but has so far refused all offers. “I'm waiting to find how high they will actually go." he said. “Right now, the bids are coming in at around $1.2 billion." This disco\ ery has rocked the physics community and many renowned experts have been in contact with Schwendtner. insisting that he present his findings, Schwendtner claims this would be a bad idea. “I‘ve actually tried doing that and it turned out to be another attempt to steal my discovery," he said, “I had to go back in time to warn myselfabout it." Schwendtner‘s plans for the future include perfecting the theory, fighting off would—be thieves and finally finishing the project that started it all. Disclaimer This is the joke issue. Do not take it scri- ously. lfyou attempt to take any part ofthcsc four pages seriously. you will be mocked. Viciously, A lot. And we don't just mean in the Echo office. We mean all over campus. to everyone we know. We might even call our friend in Thailand and chortle at your expense. Consider yourself warned. Between the . MISDIRE C T I 0N ' Catastrophe at A ugsburg OUTRIGHTLIES- Top Ten Stories We Didn ’t Print CAND Y- Personal Ads
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Title: Augsburg Echo[Libel] April 1, 2005, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: page 2 MISDIRECTION Staff Writer Urges Return to Original Vocation - Sarah Gilbert Jumps at Bells With all these mudslides. earthquakes and tsunamis of late. the weather might be hinting at something. Perhaps it‘s getting a jump on the apocalypse! Thus. in this time of imminent doom. I feel it‘s...
Show morepage 2 MISDIRECTION Staff Writer Urges Return to Original Vocation - Sarah Gilbert Jumps at Bells With all these mudslides. earthquakes and tsunamis of late. the weather might be hinting at something. Perhaps it‘s getting a jump on the apocalypse! Thus. in this time of imminent doom. I feel it‘s time for yet another installment of: The Importance of Your Voca- lion. Vocation at Augsburg is a concept that‘s been carefully crafted and gingerly shoved down our throats with a rusty crowbar. But have you really. I mean really. lhoughl about il'.’ Whether you consider your- self a skeptic or if you‘ve lovineg discovered that your vocation is to he lirederich Bucchner's personal hitch. you‘ll agree that it's an issue that can't be avoided. While most of you have only recently been blutlgeoned with vocation. I had this concept licked long ago. At my sixth birthday party. lady Lovely Locks made an ap- pearance. For those who are chil- dren ofthe 80‘s. you may revel with me at how amazing it is that this pop culture cartoon icon appeared in human form to provide birthday guests with stickers and slutty blue eye shadow. My vocation was clear I‘d be a princess! In retrospect, maybe my linglish major doesn‘t lend itself to being the tiara-clad. symbolic ligurelicad ofa nation. but it makes as much sense as anything else. I realize the profession you end tip with is usually different than what you’d envisioned. English major turns into—sur- prise—Fact Checker! Premed ma- jors become Assistants Who Empty Bed Pans. and music majors are more likely to serenade passengers ofthe New York City subway sys- tem with giant buckets than be the next Mozart. In this light. "Princess" is a perfectly logical goal. As I grew older. I realized I couldn’t be a princess in the actual sense ofthe word. for then I’d have to marry Prince William. I‘m sorry. but he‘sjust not that good-looking. Besides, I can‘t resign myself to a life ofbad teeth and a language where everything‘s “bloody.” For a while I found myself in your shoes. navigating the depths of my vocation. a search that resulted in “theatre major." I quickly came to my senses and realized that in theatre. as with the royal family. I‘d have to adopt an annoying accent at times. Out of desperation. other ca— reers were considered: politician (which is like princess. but more people hate you). or journalist (which is like having loyal subjects except people ﬂee from you when you ask those touchy. no—win types of questionsri‘So when did you stop beating your wife‘.’") I was smarter at six. I‘m stick- ing with “princess.” I'll risk bad British hip-hop and a lifetime of Polo matches for the chance to wear pretty dresses. As far as meeting the world‘s deepest hunger? The paparazzi have to have someone to run off the road. Sarah Gilbert found her vocation at an early age. Photo by one at Sarah Gilbert's parents So despite whatever horrors your advisors push upon you about being something worthwhile ~ all that nonsense about going to grad school should be ignored—and you. my little scurrying friend. should go back to your roots. Come on. you know you want to be a cowboy. and you know the world needs you to be a cowboy. Beuchner would be proud. April 1 , 2005 Something Happened i‘ Hundreds of Students ’Lives Left in Shambles Joey Carlson _, Writer About Stuff Augsburg was the epicenter of one of the most catastrophic and meaningful events in recent history. according to authorities. Many of the students who were victims of the happening will never be able to live their lives normally again. “It was incredible! It was horrifying! It was beautiful.“ said Jeremy Nelson. a bystander who was affected by the anomaly. Experts in the subject area be- lieve that the occurrence was in part due to a disruption in certain areas of scientiﬁc importance. Records of these types of events can be traced back to several ages ago. but none of the previous happenings were as signiﬁcant as the most recent one. The experts say that there is a fairly precise chance that there may be some type of residual effects on the surrounding area for some time. Geoff Johnson. a student at Augsburg. had several premonitions of the dastardly and heinous occur- rences nearly three decades ago. His prediction is reminiscent of another one of his accurate predictions. His previous premoni- tion involved the recent political controversy. which featured similar undertones and connotations. Several students have accused Johnson of conspiring in the events in order to prove his predictions correct. No ﬁles have been charged. Yet. “I’m just an innocent clairvoy- ant soccer guru. But. when the crack got a‘ lack‘in‘ and the enormity of the incident hit me. I couldn‘t help but think. ‘why did I wear crotchless panties today?” Johnson said. Since these events. Augsburg students have been the subjects of reports on Oprah. 20/20. Nightline. and Celebrity Justice. Oprah‘s report was a tear'jerker. 20/20 and Nightline's reports were fairly boring. and Celebrity Justice's was sensationalized by a beautiful host. On Celebrity Justice. an in- formant. who chose to keep his identity concealed. gave valuable insights into the inner workings of the episode. “I had an invitation to'be the middle tier of a human pyramid at Abu Ghraib prison. but after this I’m sure I would experience a drop in my already-supcrduper-low ap- proval rating." the unnamed source told Celebrity Justice. When further details are re- vealed. the Lihel will. as always. give you the latest information. Squirrels Vacate to Warmer Climes, Cite Racism as Cause Sara Holman Has the Wh00ping Cough Augsburg squirrels are packing tip and heading anywhere but here. llead Squirrel Crazy Nuts declared April I that Augsburg College is an unsuitable and unconstitutional area of the country for squirrels to l‘L‘sltlL‘. “l‘he \\ hole reason I decided to come to .-\tlgsburg was because of the squirrels. and now that they are lea\ ing. l‘m strongly consider- ing transferring." said junior lyan tiucstar. “I agree." commented senior Daniel Burns. "When I took my ti rst tour ofthe campus. the squim‘ls \\ erc ey cry \\ here. My tour guide \\ .is scared ofthem. llalfofthe col- lege new spaper stories \\ etc about squirrels there \\ as ex en a section called ‘Squtmel Bitcs.‘ I thought e\ entually the squim‘ls \\ ould take met. and l honestly wanted to be there for the re\ olution. But lately He noticed there are few er and few er sqller‘lS around." \uts refused to answer any questions about a planned squirrel rmolution. but he did offer coin- ment. “Back in the 1000‘s Augsburg \\ .ts \ cry accommtxlating.“ he said. "Our population was able to grow and thrive. Yes. we considered overtaking the campus once. but we unanimously agreed that it was a bad idea to bite the hand that fed us." The squirrels now feel they are underappreciated. “We are tired of being everyone‘s scapegoat." said ten-year-old Fluffy MeSquir~ rel. "At ﬁrst we were thrilled that Augsburg wasn‘t discrimi— nating when they added squirrel diversity into its newspaper. But “Squirrel Bites" used stereotypes. derogatory lan- guage. and halfof the time. the con- tent didn't eyen pertain to squir- rels." The squirrels feel they have been gaining a bad reputation. They especially do not like that students feel that squirrels like to jump out at people and them out.“ They have also overheard ru~ mots that the Augsburg community prefers chipmunks to squirrels. "We have been fighting the battle for equal rights for twenty years. and we will continue to do so until the entire nation recognizes that squirrels are rodents. too." said Nuts. “It‘s not about short tails or long tails. it's about the rodent underneath the fur." Head Squirrel Crazy Nuts ready to leave Augsburg. Photo courtesy A MA greysqairﬂ act The squirrel population has been going down for some time as squirrels realized that Augsburg isn't ready to change its attitude. “Good riddance.“ said Rita Shaers. "I noticed that there weren't as many squirrels. but l thought it was because Augsburg was ﬁnally handling its pest problem. But now that I know that the ﬁirry bastards are leaving on their own. I don't feel so bad." That is the exact attitude the squirrels are scurrying away from. “We help this community." said Fuzzy Nuts. Crazy Nuts’ wife. “We eat the garbage stu- dents throw on the ground. We provide endless entertain- ment in the quad. and not one person can graduate with- out having at least one story about a squirrel and the ef- fect it had on his or her life." The squirrels have already taken measures by riding the ACTC buses to other campuses. However. the re- maining squirrels are planning to mean: the entire campus by April 28 and head to Disney World. “Walt Disney m encouraged discrimination by creating those two punks Chip and Dale." said Nuts. Crazy Nuts' illegiti- mate son. "Sure there's the 'token squirrel' in some movies. but for the most part we squirrels get no representation." “If the squirrels can’t cut it here. then how do they expect to hack it in Disney World?” argued Shaers. “That corporation will squash them before they can even get in line for the tea cups. 1 think the squirrels are just faking their own deaths. like Tupac. and running down to Disney World for some dropped foreign food at Epcot." When asked to comment on Shaers‘s statement. Crazy Nuts threw an acorn in this reporter‘s eye and squealed. "Give me liberty or give me death." Disclaimer This is the joke issue. Do not take it seriously. lfyou anemptto take any part of these four pages seriously. you will be mocked. Viciously. A lot. And we don't just mean in the Echo ofﬁce. We mean all over campus. to everyone we know. We might even call our friend in Thailand and Chortle at your expense. Consider yourself warned
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Title: Augsburg Echo[Libel] April 1, 2005, Page 03
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Show more< a W'w“-—Iww WWI-"=va page 3 OUTRIGHT LIES April 1, 2005 Augsburg Student Responsible For Tsunami Junior Dan Fralich Given Supernatural Powers by Fake F In Shot Joey Carlson Foreign Correspondent The tsunami that rocked the eastern part of the world this year wasinpartcausedby Dan Fralich,a mutant Augsburg student, according to authorities. Fralich, who received a phony ﬂu shot from licensed nurse Mi— chelle Torgerson earlier this year, gained the ability to shiﬁ plate tec- tonics immediately aﬁer receiving the shot. ~ Experts believe that a radioac— tive enzyme in the vaccine coupled with Martian nanotechnology gave Fralich a form of extra sensory perception [ESP] that allowed him to communicate with the turtle in charge of the earth’s tectonics. Fralich has eluded authorities and his whereabouts are still un- known. Experts believe that if Fralich is not captured and killed immedi- ately, more tsunarnis will occur and inevitably take additional lives. Augsburg College President and Fralich’s mentor, William Frame, held a press conference on the situation last Tuesday. “I normally don’t pray for the hunting down and killing of Augs- burg students, but extreme situa- tions call for extreme measures,” said Frame. - Torgerson-hastadmitted that a Martian nanotechnology ﬁrm paid her 20 million dollars in Russian war bonds to administer the shots. Authorities conﬁscated the . some sort of mutant power. bonds in a raid on her estate last Tuesday. Torgerson faces charges ranging from soliciting without a permit to 200.000 counts of second-degree mur- der. Dr. Puntang Lickcioa, an expert in the stenographic sci- ences, has a theory that each of the other 67 students and staff who received ﬂu shots received It is unclear whether this theory will prove to be true. Skeptics of Lickcioa be- lieve that his theory was only based Lickcioa’s love of the X-Men comics and “pure hog- wash.” Fralich is currently a junior Asian Studies major, with a concentration in Physics. He was last seen in a deep meditative state in psychic contact with the turtle. Experts fear he was no doubt plotting another attack. Some experts, includ- ing Lickcioa, believe the next attack could happen along the Carmex fault line, which extends from Monticello to Mankato. It is believed that most of Minneapolis and St. Paul would be wiped out by the turtles moving the tectonic plates. i . u r The same destruction as wit- nessed in Sri Lanka would happen on the Augsburg campus. Government agents are cur- rently in negotiations with the turtle. They have had several confer- ence calls with him to ensure that he sides with good and does not follow Faculty Senate Commits to Transforming Education Jeffrey Moores Colossal Tool Professors announced they will take the College’s “Transforming Education” motto to heart at last week‘s Faculty Senate meeting. In a movement labeled “brash” and “just damned evil" by some fel- low educators, Augsburg professors are ready to transform education. “I was just sick of it.“ said one History professor who said it was about time education transformed. “I taught ancient history. I taught modern history. But what about the history of the future?" Professors feel provoked to change their styles, curriculum, and topics because they “feel called by the college‘s latest ad campaign to continually alter the state and nature of post-secondary education.“ ac- cording to a statement released by the Faculty Senate. Joan Griffin, professor of English. explained that she un— derstands the large posters that read “be yourself at Augsburg and leave completely changed." but she doesn‘t understand how that translates to professors transform- ing education. “Education should be transfor— man‘ve like the posrers suggea.“ she said. “but I‘m not ready to transform a thing." - Other professors. including History professor Phil Adamo, dis- agree. “The posters stayed up," he said. “so we’ve got to change!" Adamo announced that he would not longer use classrooms, Whiteboards, or paper. Nor will his students receive education through assignments or tests. Rather, Adamo will tell stories of his days as a performance artist while walking backwards in circles around Murphy Square. “They'll learn through stories," Adamo said of his transformed ap— proach. “And they’ll tell their own stories, too.” Kathryn Swanson. chair of the English department will now “teach” all classes from various locales—her cabin up north, your cabin up north, or Uncommon Grounds coffee shop on Hennepin in Uptown. She has instructed her students to ﬁll two paper bags with mystery novels and no fewer than five Tammy Haug novels (for use as Scrap Paper)- Other professors are taking similar revolutionary measures to match the college’s promise of a transformed education. Larry C rockett, who will soon take sabbatical from the Honors program. said he will ﬁnish out the semester by touring his students across the continent on Harley Da- vidson motorcycles. He wishes they could tour across Hawaii, but the rainy season is on its way. Students can exchange texts by C .S. Lewis for leather vests in the bookstore. Mark Tranvik is attempting to bring the new approach to education into the Lilly Foundation‘s consid- eration process. “From now on, vocation is go- ing to have a whole new meaning," he said. "None ofthis touchy-feely ‘calling’ crap. We‘re looking for the candidates with the most bling. There will be extra consideration given for use of the phrase “sho‘ ‘nuﬁ, gangsta’." Academic Advising is reeling with the new changes. and will soon release a new catalog using the same format as Houghton Mifﬁin‘s “American Heritage Dictionary.” Fralich’s psychic suggestions. If you have seen Fralich, or have any knowledge of his where- abouts, you are urged to contact the FBI or your local law enforcement Augsburg student Dan Fralich, thought to be responsible for the tsunami~causing earthquakes in the eastern hemisphere. Fralich’s abilities allegedly came from the flu vaccine he recieved from Michelle “I'll show you a permit" Torgerson. l'llulu in luc} ( .lilMJII l llill agency. They are offering a reward of an undisclosed amount for the capture ofthis anncd and dangerous criminal. Top Ten Stories We Didn’t Print 10. Why ‘Get Wired’ Worked So Well 9. The Hallucinogenic Effects of Dry Erase Markers 8. How the Wrestlers Really Won 7. College Considers Collective Conversion to Catholicism 6. English Department Bans Alliteration 5. Anderson Residents Pleased with Res Life Stability 4. Mort Residents Pleased With Structural Stability 3. Freshmen Organize Against “First-Year” Label 2. What Really Happened to Michelle “Flu Shot” Torgerson 1. Anything Offensive On your left, you will see a gratuitous chimpanzee, absurdly dressed in glasses and appearing to read a treatise on human behavior. Behold the gIOry of the Internet and the richness it has brought to our collective life. image Counts} amm‘ah lim~ durunrg Disclaimer This is thejoke issue. Do not take it seriously. lfyou attempt to take any part of these four pages seriously. you will be mocked, Vicrously. A lot. And we don’t just mean in the Er’hr/ oliice. We mean all over campus. to everyone we know. We might even call our friend in 'lhai- land and Chortle at your expense Consider yourself wamcd.
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Title: Augsburg Echo[Libel] April 1, 2005, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: page 4 CANDY April 1, 2005 The Secret of Academic Excellence Carolyn “Sho’ ‘Nuff, Gangsta" Herman Brillianter Then Yous Guys (iive me your adoration. be- cause I have discovered the Holy (irail ofAcadcmic Success 7 Mi- crosoft Word‘s’K thesaurus. With this splendid little tool. you can take any...
Show morepage 4 CANDY April 1, 2005 The Secret of Academic Excellence Carolyn “Sho’ ‘Nuff, Gangsta" Herman Brillianter Then Yous Guys (iive me your adoration. be- cause I have discovered the Holy (irail ofAcadcmic Success 7 Mi- crosoft Word‘s’K thesaurus. With this splendid little tool. you can take any mediocre paper and turn it into a work I guarantee your professor will never forget. This magical (and by magical. l mean paranormal) device can. with a keystroke. take ordinary thoughts and transform them into graduate- level brilliance. let‘s take a fairly nonnal in- troduction sentence to an English paper: “ ‘llartleby. the Serivcner’ is. among other things. a treatment of the concept of honesty as an invitation for destruction." Boring. eh? Let‘s run it through the the- writing skill since I began to employ this little wonder. Let's do one for the science majors. Take this sentence: “Albert discipline." Again. I can‘t tell what in God’s name that sentence is try- ing to get across—obviously a ﬁrst- rate symptom. (See how the thesau- saurus. and [US even 3:313:33. That’s so brilliant I don’t even understand malfesca- . , _ . _ sua vmt- int-sentence what If s saying. And believe you me, that zs ing more increases. . good?) -- ‘Bar- always a good Sign. There is tleby. the no need Scrivener' to lookup is. in the midst of supplementary equipment. a management of the model of frankness as an incitement for demolition." That's so brilliant I don't even understand what it‘s saying: And believe you me. that is always a good sign. Professors have taken to shaking their heads in awe ofmy Einstein’s theory of relativity per- manently altered the face of modern science." How pedestrian. Let‘s try again. with the help of the thesau— rus. “Albert Einstein's conjecture ofrelativity undyingly distorted the countenance of up-to-the-minute the new words that will suddenly saturate your papers—after all. synonyms mean the same thing as the original word. so why bother? The best way to create these works of academic an is to write the paper as you normally would. and then go back and thesaurify. Replace all adjectives. nouns. verbs. and adverbs with the syn- onyms your computer gives you. I‘ve found that the ﬁrst option they give you is usually the best. but you may want to just go with the longest word if you‘ve got a really tough professor you want to impress. And. presto! Your once bor- ing and childish paper is a piece worthy of admiration and probably publication in a hoity toity academic journal. Or. rather. your on one occasion lackluster and puerile manuscript is a quantity creditable of approba- tion and doubtless circulation in a patﬁcian scholastic diary. Enjoy your newly elegant writing style. And don’t thank me——l'm sure your professors will do if for you. ‘Cause Yer Just That Desperate Sara Holman Ailing Editor Age: Age Height: lich Weight: l’ounds location: llerc last relationship: I re- " ally |iii\eii‘l had much . ofa chance to date since I got whooping cough. liesidcs. I pass out a lot during my intrayenous drug treatments. l)i\'R seeks Ml) for Rx. Since my body—shaking coughs have perma— nently blurred my \ision. looks aren‘t so important to me. Just bring a ltlccniiisk. Julie Nelson "_ _ Barrista Editor - ' .-\gc \ little oyer '4 7 four in cat years. llcight l‘ictty tall Weight Skinny l ocation \liniicapo— lis 88K seeks SMK to go to Bl] I‘m into catnip and shredded paper. but feathers really druc me cra~ 1y! (‘hucks a plus. Evan Boyd. Cybergod Editor Age: .lust .it that age Height: .r\\ erage boy height “eight: More than too little. less than too much LOCJIIOIIZ The first rule of real estate, 0r Mimic apolis on the w ay to Pennsy l\ min. for the prosaically minded last relationship: Theologians don‘t kiss and tell. Carolyn Herman Offending Editor Age: Age ain‘t nothing but i a number tion Height: Taller than short The Weight: A great song by The Band Location: Minneapolis on r the way to world domina- Last relationship: The last guy I \y as with gave me a mountaintop experience. Seriously. we hung out on mountaintops a lot. Carl Grulke, Skulking Editor Age: Legal Height: Mannish Weight: Still pretty mannish Location: Minneapolis Last relationship: the skulking. But l‘ve been known to get kind of crazy .: if] have one too many juice 3 ‘4’ boxes. I stay pretty ‘ much to myself what with all \f, ..w LBW seeks WASP to con- template (iRE. I am making no promises but there may be several rounds of "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" involved in a mid-moming amble with the Skulkinator. SOL seeks TVP for QED. I am really into experimentation. I want to see all types of terrains. Did I mention that l was double jointed? age. ality . heels: \Veight: 100‘s [0 LA. Keme Hawkins The Pretty One Age: Of a certain Height: In my imag- ination. 5". In Re- . . does not matter: I often \\ ea Location: Minne- apolis on the way Last relationship: My last relationship was with David th Boreanaz from the tele\ ision show Angel . . . again in my imagination. BBQ seeks PBJ for (W. 1 lo\ e really mixing things up like nuich dussing with peanut butter or Colgate with Crest! I can get wildﬂust ‘.L\‘k Martin .\'iemoeller SALAW seeks PPQ for T\\T. I am looking for someone to help strengthen my weak constitution. Don‘t worry. 1 use disinfectant Jeff Moores Editing Editor Age: Old enough H c i g h t: propriate height We i g ht: N ot sure. but I wear jeans from Baby Gap. Location: Min- neapolis on the way to Boston . . . err. maybe just Minneapolis. Ap— man Last relationship: lam not sure it was a “relationship.” but there was rubbing alcohol and a shower involved. FUP seeks GLB for TTT. I am looking for something to hold me overjust until my transition. Oh yeah. that rubbing alcohol wasjust a phase. Joey Carlson Hates Cutesy Titles Age: Post adolescent Height: Not wee? Weight. I‘m almost ready Location: Minneapo- lis. Last relationship: [hate bringing up the past. especially when it still has access to my bank accounts. ESQ seeks ACT for LL'V, lfyou like pina coladas. getting caught in the rain and communicating in cliched love songs. piss oﬂ". Originality is my only tum-on.
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