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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Yellow Journal] May 12, 1994, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: May 12, I994 PH oﬁso‘t’ o L L J) ’ (A v REPORTING ANO PHOTOGRAPHY BY ERICA BENTLEY We asked the staff of the Yellow Journal which prophylactic device was their favorite. “Whatever Rob brings over." “Given the array ofchoices, I think I need to research this more. I‘ve decided to develop an...
Show moreMay 12, I994 PH oﬁso‘t’ o L L J) ’ (A v REPORTING ANO PHOTOGRAPHY BY ERICA BENTLEY We asked the staff of the Yellow Journal which prophylactic device was their favorite. “Whatever Rob brings over." “Given the array ofchoices, I think I need to research this more. I‘ve decided to develop an independent study “I don't worry about it. Rob‘s on the pill." -Rob Voedisch. Sagittarius .Manhew Derrick, Aries ‘- ' orojectaround it. It’s graphed right here. Now, ljust need to ﬁnd some guinea pigs..." "Gold Coin. all the way." -Sarah Jamkowski. Taurus -Dawn Van Tassel, Cancer In "Whatever the Condom Kingdom has on special Arson Continuedfrom p. I From this infomation. security ofﬁcers. acting in close cooperation with arson ofﬁcials from the Minneapolis ﬁre in- vestigation unit. were able to indict Voedisch on ﬁrst-degree arson. After intensive interrogation. which in- cluded the mystical martial art of“can- ing." Voedisch broke down and gave the nameofhisaccompliceJamkowski. Campus Security made inspections of the rooms occupied by the ac— cused. They found mass amounts of marijuana disguised as incense. “Where there‘s any form of incense, there‘s sure to be dope," declared an anonymous Unmess resident.“l knew it. My theory held true! I hope those two choke on their own smoke. I especially despise those people who smoke dope and claim it's simply Singapore Cigarettes", President Charles Anderson will deliver the address titled “You are the best class graduating this year“ at commencement. The Yellow Journal staff plans to spend a full weekend, “or a month, or two," said Layout Editor Dawn Van Tassel, “catchingone behemoth of a killerbuu" while mourning the fall of their reveren~ tial co-editors-in-chiet‘.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Yellow Journal] May 12, 1994, Page 03
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: May 12, 1994 ENTER ENT Beavis, Butthead top list of best of year By Mister Faddfollower A & E Correspondent Well, it's finally the end of the spring semester and time to take a look back at some of the year’s great music. “The Beavis and Butthead Ex- perience”: Innovation, pure inno- vation. This...
Show moreMay 12, 1994 ENTER ENT Beavis, Butthead top list of best of year By Mister Faddfollower A & E Correspondent Well, it's finally the end of the spring semester and time to take a look back at some of the year’s great music. “The Beavis and Butthead Ex- perience”: Innovation, pure inno- vation. This whole album is so experimental, it reminds me of high school chemistry. Getting little- known artists like Aerosmith, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Megadeth, and Sir Mix-a-lot was risky, but it is Sophomore creates new Olympic logo Sophomore Fred Farkle modeled his new Olympic logo in chapel last week. His logo was chosen from thousands to represent the next Olympic games. no personalities to proﬁle. Personality proﬁle: computer netters Gee, we were hoping there would be a story there. Too bad there are this element that makes this such a cutting—edge album. “Come to Butthead" is a great song to play while you’re trying to get a date, and the Jacky! song alone is reason enough to buy the album. It’s a shame Jimi Hendrix had to go and rip these guys off. Stone Temple Pilots- “Core”: I don‘t understand why this band gets compared to Pearl Jam. The Pilots are so much more original! Those who think this band is a fad are dead wrong. Bandslike Led Zepplin and the Rolling Stones will soon mean nothing compared tothe Stone Temple Pilots! Okay, I’ll admit it... I programmed my disc player to play “Plush” over and over again, but the other songs are good, too. Just listen to the lyrics: “When the dogs begin to smell her, will she smell alone?“ Man, I can totally relate. If you already own this al- bum, do yourselfa favor and go buy another copy. Ace of Base- “The Sign": Two guys and two girls from Sweden who play dance music. Sound familiar? Now, I know this group is a copy-cat band, but at least they chose a great singing group like ABBA to rip-off! Although some people think the girl's voice on “The Sign” is annoying, I think it's beautiful. If this band goes on tour, my life will be complete! When I want to boogie, nothing but Ace of Base will do! Shai- “If I Ever Fall In Love," Silk- “Lose Control," and Hi- Five- “Faithful”: These are all essentially the same album, but that doesn’t matter because they all have differentcovers! These R&B groups deliver originality everytime. The song “Freak Me” is my personal favorite. Who needs that old Motown stuff when you’ve got Shai/Silk/Hi- Five? Meatloaf— “Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Hell”: Do you have any idea how long I've been wait— ing for this album? Just when I thought the magic of Meatloafhad gone stale, he returns with a brand new collection of hits! Would you steal Vada Anderson‘s car, Meatloaf? “I'd do anything for love, but I won’t do that," he would passionately reply. (Try this on any goofy question. It's loads of fun!) Thank goodness the ‘Loaf is finally back! Barney- “Barneyls Favorites, Vol. l": This album is definitely not just for kids. In fact, this friendly purple dinosaurmakes some pretty important statements. “1 love you. You love me. We‘re a great big family." Think aboutitforawhile. It makes sense, doesn’t it! Granted, at times it is a bit too happy, but you can remedy that by playing Slayer in the back- ground. Personally, I can‘t wait for Vol. 2! Anyway. that‘s it for this year’s besttunes. Untilnextyear...Rock On! This mime was stoned to death in Murphy Park on the site of the proposed gazebo. One angry mob- ster said, “It’s about time some- one took charge." One anonymous English profes- sor said, “I can‘t believe that any- one would kill a mime, a poet from whom love, life and art spring forth in this dank, oppressive, art- less world. By the way, did I men- tion that I was a poet?" Funeral services were held yester- day. Among those attending were Bozo and Chuckles. Krusty was expected to appear, but cancelled due to a substance overdose. A mime is a terrible thing to waste Ms. Gladys Pfefferpot perfomied her one-woman show, “Where Are My Classes?" at Augsburg on May 2. Pfefferpot is a well-known perfor- mance anist and Augsburg alumna. English professor 1. Reed Allott said. "It kept me in suspense. I didn't know where they were. Ms. Pt'el't'erpot is a guiding light in a world ofdank, op- pressive artlessness. She speaks to my inner child. By the way, did I mention I was a poet?” Love lines Two sexually exploited studs seek two stable females who won’t go back to their old boyfriends after the “good time." Call x804! and x8028. We‘re pissed! Tennis afﬁcianado seeks female for fun and love. Mailbox #423221. Don‘t in— clude photo, please. Psychotic netter seeks paper editor for cyber sodomy. I am mentally unstable, but that doesn't mean we can't swing! Mailbox #89887. Ask for The Reaper. Very straight SWM seeks drug, alcohol and incense-free female to gay bash with. Mailbox #77865 Older MWF seeking young, ener- getic SWM who enjoys handcuffs, security cameras, asp batons, and uniforms with badges. Mailbox #l3l32 SM seeks SF/SM for fun in the sun. Love to sail? I‘ve got some extra cash and an expense account that doesn’t quit. Mailbox # 44443 SF seeks SM for S&M ASAP. Mail- box #32356 SWF looking for friend to listen to some tapes together off the record. Straight, redheaded female seeks man withtool belt. Mailbox#45678. Ask for Turbo. SWM seeks girl, not "girlfriend." who likes sex manuals and hairy. lanky men. Must be an original dancer and fan of Ween. Must be a good listener; I talk a lot. I’d like to try the nutmeg coma with you. Pinheads need not apply. Call me! x8l29 SWF, grammar fanatic, seeks Fabio- esque stud muffin. Must get turned on by neon green pants. Include writing samples and IQ verification. Wrcsv tlers need not apply. Mailbox it 62524 SWF, blondc, seeks men. Lots of ‘em! Must have stamina; Speedy Gonzalez need not apply. Must be in sexual prime; 1 like to“Jam!"Call xl l()2 for details!
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Yellow Journal] May 12, 1994, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Opinion C Q ‘ “it an i: an ’4: at: an iliilll‘ —‘ May 12,1994 Medical Update Dr. Michael McOhmtart, MD. Chief Gastrologist, Fairview Riverside Hospital Of all the problems in the world. only those closest to us really bother us. Or at least bother us the most. The world is fuil of great...
Show moreOpinion C Q ‘ “it an i: an ’4: at: an iliilll‘ —‘ May 12,1994 Medical Update Dr. Michael McOhmtart, MD. Chief Gastrologist, Fairview Riverside Hospital Of all the problems in the world. only those closest to us really bother us. Or at least bother us the most. The world is fuil of great conundrums that cause ordinary citizens to become nervous. anxious. puzzled (take sex for example; here is a quandary that envelopes and swallows grown men and women in their own homes).excited, and of course. frustrated. But certain problems require immediate. direct. undivided attention. These such subjects are usually quite controversial, quite complicated, and often so complex that you might think that only a Ph.D. would know its solution. Can you think of a problem that might ﬁt into this category? I can. Dianhea. What causes this terrible predicament of abnormally frequent and exces- sively watery bowel movements? Well science tell us that there are many causes of diam‘tea, including dietary distress. intestinal distress, allergic reactions, and bacterial or viral problems (organic infections). Some cases might simply be stress, or perhaps the ingestion of too many “natural” laxatives. Coffee beans are a well known culprit. especially due to the amount of caffeine that comes along with the beans. Caffeine affects a pan of the brain called the hypothalamus, which in tum affects hormone levels. The hormone ADH, or Anti-Diuretic Hormone, is directly responsible for water retention in the nephrons of the kidney. Without the water being re-absorbed in the kidney, much of the chemical processes involved with digestion are disrupted leaving the coffee in your small intestines to speed right through the large intestines, where it is supposed to be retained, right to the descending colon where the discomfort of diarrhea begins. Whenever the intestines are having problems for whatever reason. the intestines must “eject” the offending material as quickly as it can. often taking the owner by surprise. In infants, the stool consistency is an important indicator of the baby's health. Diarrhea can often be linked to many more serious problems. Dysentery, or the organic cause of life-threatening dirreaha is no laughing matter. Many years ago, the pioneers that came out west in covered wagons would contract the bacteria from bad water. Soon enough. they would begin to feel the wrath of dirreaha, causing their intestines and associated areas (the rectum, inner thighs, etc.) to become inﬂamed as the infection ran its course. Many settlers died from the resulting de-hydration. The single most common cause of dineaha in the present United States is intestinal distress which illustrates the phrase “it must be something I ate." I think that some of you have also spent an evening out on a date at a local Mexican, or perhaps a Chinese restaurant. Perhaps you might remember gazing down at a menu. and then ordering an exotic sounding dish that you have never heard about in hopeful expectation of a exciting meal. After you ate some of the cuisine (it was very good indeed, except that it was a tad too spicy for your taste) you went to a movie with your date. Just as the previews‘started rolling, you felt a rumbling beneath your belt that was a bit too painful to be normal. You then spent much of your evening in the bathroom with your pants/skirt around your ankles, cursing foreign food and the movie theater for charging you $7 for a movie you did not even see. Then again. maybe this has only happened to me. Now if something similar to this case has indeed happened to you, you might have blamed those “rascally foreigners" for this great disservice, but in fact my friend. you were betrayed by your Own bowels! For you see. the average American has grown up on blander food, and their digestive tracts have adjusted accordingly. If you suddenly add these spicy, exotic foods to a bland-accustomed digestive tract, the body becomes confused. The digestive system won't know how to digest this strange material, so instead of digesting the food. the intestine threw a bunch of water at the it. and then when that didn‘t work, it got rid of it in the fastest possible method... Say hello to dineaha. Thankfully this is not 1850. We of the industrialized world have Mylanta (my doctor said..) and of course Pepto Bismal. which effectively control dineaha. For those that have frequent bouts with this afﬂiction, I suggest you add a bottle or two to your car, your workplace, or any other place were you spend a good deal of time. l can offer a few more words of advice to others who also from time to time run across that formidable ailment: Be conserva- tive when dining out, because you won‘t impress your date should dirreaha make an appearance. Also, if coffee is giving you intestinal distress, try adding more cream or milk to dilute the beverage. Most importantly. should you feel that you have contracted dysentery, be sure to see a doctor. For vegetarians that want to return to a carnivorous diet, beware! The longer your intestines have gone without meat. the harder it will be for them to digest it. The intestines become used to plant material and forget how to digest more complex substances such as meat. No matter what don't give up and allow yourself to believe that your troubles will never end, because they will. Remember that we have all been there at some point in our life, and no matter how bad it seems. don’t get depressed or desperate, because it won't last forever! Senior looks to future, offers graduates advice By Howey Butkis Guest Columnist It‘s that time ofyear again: gradu- ation. You can almost feel the excitement in the air. As seniors, we stand on the threshold ofa new tomorrow. And while a new dawn- ing of opportunity awaits around every corner. we must never for- get where we came from. We Owe a lot to Augsburg College. This fine institution of higher learning has molded us all into fine men and women. This school has taught us to look on the bright sior. to find that silver lining, to go for the gusto. to reach for the stars. to count our blessings. to give it our all. to bend over backwards, to let the chips fall where they may and to never look a gift horse in the mouth. And I. for one. am thankful. I think back to my freshmen year. One day, I was walking through the quad and I was feeling. well, like a gloomy gus. I remember a dean came up to me and said “Son, a smile is a frown turned upside down." Oh, how right he was! I‘ll never forget that day. It is caring professionals, like that dean, who make Augsburg such a vibrant college in the liberal arts tradition in the heart of a thriving metropolis. And we must never forget that without deans, professors and students, Augsburg would be nothing but a collection of decrepit buildings in the Cedar/Riverside area. So. I tip my hat to the men and women of Augsburg. Each and every one of us is very. very unique in our own special little way. It is us (especially the graduating class, who stand poised at the doorway of a new beginning) who put the “wow” in “college.” We should be very, very proud of ourselves. I say then this: stand tall, be proud of your Auggie heritage, remember the people who made you what you are as you travel down that road of life, remember that no dream is too big...or small, remember that when the going gets tough. the tough get going and remember that every- thing you ever needed to know you learned in kindergarten. On the horizon is the future of our tomorrows. Let’s wish Augsburg one last heartfelt “Bon voyage" and then rush to meet our collected, but probably pretty varied. fates. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives! Thank you. Letter to the editor Den compla'n Given that we have reached year's end. I deem it necessary that the “record” be set straight concerning some of the editorials written in the pages of this publication. I feel that Co-Editor Robert Voedisch had shown both bad taste and bad judgment in many of his op/ed pieces and, as an administrator. I believe that my voice must be heard. Earlier this semester, Mr. Voedisch suggested that Augsburg raise its adminis- trative standards. According to Mr. Voedisch, this college’s “low administra- tive standards" were to blame for many of “Auggie Tech's problems." I am here to say that that is simply not the case. We are quite proud of our administrative program here at Augsburg. Not only do I believe that the administrators here at Augsburg deserve to be here. but I contend that we have the best administrators in the ACI‘C, if not in the entire tri-state area. Furthermore Mr. Voedisch. you seem to forget that the position of “administra- tor” is a difﬁcult and complex one at that. In fact, I would guess that you would not be so quick to suggest the “raising of administrative standards” if you knew what exactly the position entailed. First of all, we do a lot of writing. Secondly, we do a lot of reading. Thirdly, we meet with people. And ﬁnally, we write some more. Given these facts. it seems obvious that the raising of our administrative standards would not be the answer to our school‘s “problems.” Therefore. I suggest, Mr. Voedisch, that you get your facts straight before you decide to write another editorial, for not only is simple-minded “administrative bashing" a sign ofa poor journalist it is also a sign of immaturity. Sincerely, Dewey Cheatem Associate Assistant Vice President of the Progression of the Educational Process and Dean of Students’ Affairs, Ph.D. PS. I have just been informed that the editorials I referred to dealt with the raising of “academic standards.” So...um...never mind. The Yellow Journal Sarah “Jams” Jamkowski Boyd “Bad Boy" Koehler Matthew “Grunge Boy” Derrick Eric “Dimples” Schneider John “Don’t even try to pronounce it” Pulkrabek Dawn “DVT” Van Tassel Chris “Curly Top” Jordan Erica “Big Red” Bentley Ottar “Outta Schlitz” Schmitz Perrine “Cat Chow” Dailey Dawn “Neon Green” Van Tassel Steve “Camouflage” Oswood Jennifer “No Nickname” Nielsen Jack B. Nimble always good. Rob “Everybody Voedisch” VoedischEditor in Chief Staff Reporters: Howey Butkis, Mister Faddfollower. Jack Meahoff, Published each Thursday except when we don‘t feel like it, vacation periods and holidays by the students of Augsburg College, 22] | Riverside Avenue. Minneapolis, Minnesota 55454. Opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reﬂect those of the editors. supporting staff. administratioh, faculty or the remainder of the students. The YellowJournal does not necessarily promote the products or services it advertises. Annual subscription rate is $20.00 or whatever you can barter for. Chickens are Printed at Crow Wing Press, Inc. in Brainerd. MN. on dead trees. Editor in Chief Faculty Adviser News Editor A& E Editor Sports Editor Layout Editor Layout Editor Photo Editor Photo Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Business Editor Have an opinion? Well, keep it to yourself. All thoughts must be kept on a 2.2 pound area of grey matter known as your brain and should not be censored for any reason. For those lacking a brain, one can be picked up at your local transplant center, morgue or biology classroom.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Yellow Journal] May 12, 1994, Page 01
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Volume 100 Number 21 The Yellow Journal A Century of a Hundred Years of Whatnot May 12,1994 Cul rits arrested in dorm tras chute, dryer ble By Jack B. Nimble and Jack Meahoff Peon Reporters Campus Security has finally caught the (in)famous Mortensen arsonist. Actually, Campus Secu- rity caught...
Show moreVolume 100 Number 21 The Yellow Journal A Century of a Hundred Years of Whatnot May 12,1994 Cul rits arrested in dorm tras chute, dryer ble By Jack B. Nimble and Jack Meahoff Peon Reporters Campus Security has finally caught the (in)famous Mortensen arsonist. Actually, Campus Secu- rity caught two arsonists: The Yellow Journal’s co-editors-in chief Robert Voedisch and Sarah Jamkowski. “Yes, we caught those dispicable scumbags!" exclaimed a member of Augsburg’s security staff who wishes to remain anonymous. “Those dirtballs are going to hang!” The Yellow Journal staffers were indeed greatly surprised to learn that it was their leaders, their bosses, their inspiration who were setting the fires in order to create news. “I simply cannot believe Rob and Sarah are capable of such heinous acts," said Erica Bentley, one of the photo editors. “I know that Rob had a flare for the extreme, but this is outside any of his usual pranks to create news stories." Voedisch, when asked why he committed the crime, gave an an- gry reply: “I hate this damn col- lege security and those stupid dry- ers anyway. I saw the dryer fires as a good way of killing two birds with one stone; we could gener- ate news on this boring-ass col» lege and get rid of some of those stupid—ass dryers which the gov- ernment has placed on our crazy- ass college to get our hairy-ass underwear wet." One security officer said that they became alarmed after the 27th time the alarms were set off and began to “sort of worry” about residents’ well being. It seems as though Jamkowski and Voedisch were burning marijuana in the dryers in order to set off the fire alarms. “What the hell," said Voedisch, “I might as well create an emergency situation and catch a good buzz in the act." One anonymous Mortensen resi— dent (Brian Farrell, room 901, ex- tension x8129) claimed he heard several songs from the band Ween, a band that produces what he tabs as “overt stoner tunes, man!" be- ing played from the Mortensen basement on each ofthe nights fire alarms were set off. Voedisch is well known through- out the Mort commumnity as be- ing the only resident to listen to this odd band that is rumored to know him personally. Continued on p. 4 Crime Beat On May 1 a group of persons was apprehended trying to pop the Auggie dome. Names ofthe offend— ers have not yet been released, but according to one security ofﬁcer, they “seemed real suspicious. They talked about how they would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for some meddling kids. Oh yeah, and their dog.” Security reportedly received a tip from a group of youngsters and their dog.The college wouldlike to give the informers a reward, but has been unable to locate them. The group is described as two males, two fe- males and a talking brown dog. They were last seen driving a multi~col- ored VW van with ﬂowered hubcaps and the words “Mystery Machine” emblazoned on the side. If you know these people or have any information as totheir whereabouts, please contact security immediately. Security officers took three Urness residents into custody yesterday for third-degree possession of incense. According to an anonymous source, one student also was in possession of a scented votive candle. Nearly $50,000 in library materials was stolen last week. According to the Minneapolis Police Department, a student made off with a periodical. “It was so old, it was an antique," said one library employee. “I'm sure this was an intentional crime, not someone forgetting to check out." Members of the Augsburg MPIRG chapter held a rally on April 28, an snowstorm. Said one member, “We’re not just a bunch of hippies, OK, dude?" MPIRG members prepare for rally a -' i a". A unfortunate choice of dates due to the Q .J‘ Campus deemed crime-free, safe page Photo Poll page 4 M ‘M Yellow Journal editors Rob Voedisch and Sarah Jamkowski are suspected of setting the blazes in Mortensen tower. Jamkowski explained. “We just needed a good story. Is that so wrong?" Voedisch said, “No comment, you pinhead!” College expands major offerings Metal shop program added By Rob Voedisch Co-Editor-In-Chief In order to meet the demands of an ever-chainging job market. Augsburg will make a metal shop major available next fall. The metal shop degree will be offered to any student wishing to be trained in the fine arts of welding. soldering and metal filing. The degree will be a four-year program. “What‘s exciting about the metal shop program is its diversity," said Dean Dean Martin. “We hope to attract all sorts of new students." Martin went on to say, “We hope to give our metal shop degree a liberal arts slant." According to Martin, not only will students be schooled in the practice of metal working, but they will also learn some of the philosophy behind metal shop. “There will be areading list that is quite liberal arts intensive," said Martin. “For example, students will be asked to read Robert Bly's Iron John as well as that one poem about the village smithy...so, you know, it won‘tjust be all welding and whatnot." Currently, the only obstacle standing in the way ofthe metal shop program is a lack of academic location. “The problem is, we just don‘t know where to put it," said a professor who wishes to remain anonymous. “It had been suggested to make it pan of the physics department, but no one liked that idea. Then, someone said that we should make the metal shop degree part ofthe art department because they have blowtorches and things." The faculty senate is expected to vote on the metal shop degree this week. “This metal shop program seems pretty cool," said a prospective student on a campus visit last week. "At ﬁrst, I was like ‘Augsburg‘s not for me. ‘ you know? But then I heard about this metal shop stuff and l was like ‘Whoa, why not?” Faculty meetings open to public Admission standards raised
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Yellow Journal] May 12, 1994
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999, Page 08
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: May 7, 1999 page 8 Case Day is now ofﬁcial Frame to give students beer Bill Hicks Staff writer President Frame surprised man) at chapel last Wednesday when he announced that Augs- burg would ofﬁcially recognize Case Day as an Augsburg holiday. The ofﬁcial celebration will involve a keg-tapping in...
Show moreMay 7, 1999 page 8 Case Day is now ofﬁcial Frame to give students beer Bill Hicks Staff writer President Frame surprised man) at chapel last Wednesday when he announced that Augs- burg would ofﬁcially recognize Case Day as an Augsburg holiday. The ofﬁcial celebration will involve a keg-tapping in the quad at noon on Friday. a temporary suspension of Augsburg‘s public drunkenness and open container policies and free beer for qualify— ing students. Students will also he allowed to bring beer or other alcoholic beverages to consume in class. and students as well as professors are granted an excused “hangover” absence from class. “Too many members of the Augs- burg community are segregating themselves on this one day a year. feeling the need to seek inebria- tion alone or in small cliques." Frame said. Frame went on to mention that he has the support of the entire Augsburg administra- tion with this decision. “This was not a rash or immediate decision. I‘ve been trying to get this through sincc Case Day last year. at which I had much fun ‘partying down‘ with groups of students. It was much to my chagrin that the entire student body could not con- gregate in one place and celebrate the ﬁne spring day that God had given us. but rather had to be sequestered in individual rooms," Frame also surprised those attend- ing Chapel by announcing that he would buy cases (24-can packs 00 beer to certain students. Stu» dents 2! years of age or older may ﬁle a “Free Beer Applica— tion“ with the president's ofﬁce. This form must be signed by a staff or faculty member who knows the student well enough to vouch that the student is willing and able to “fully panicipate in the spirit of Case Day." While the meaning of this is not explic— itly given. it is generally under stood that this means a students should drink the case in the 24 hour period that is Case Day. Frame expressed regret that beer could not be given to the entire college community. “As Augs- burg is a collegium. a true com- munity of learners, it would be pamupatton" ' isentiraly voluntary. maven“: $5.00 EXTRA WITH THIS AD FOR YOUR FIRST PLASMA DONAﬂON. Earn upto $175 a month by donating potentially lifesaving ptasmat Visit ourfriendly, modemcentevandﬁndout mmwmeoppomnﬂyto ammhwhiehelpinguthen. AspanotaCornpanymoaiqumgrai-n. anupertmemal testwilbepertonnedonyomplasnamtdicoddpotmﬂy bemflptssmapmduarecipiwts htheyearstocamWourrmeardi ale—anvvtc-o. Inc. 1552 EAST LAKE STREET 721 -6464 best that this opportunity is avail- able to all students. faculty. staff. and alumni. as stated in the stu- dent senate chanering policy.“ Frame said. “However. with the laws of Minnesota at their current state. this is not only impractical but for a minority of the Augs- burg community illegal. There— fore. the beer is not an ofﬁcial Augsburg event. but rather a per» sonal gift from my wife Anne and I_.. Frame also explained why he wished students who receive the free beer drink most of it. “At many of the parties I was at last year. I noticed many people who could not drink and deﬁnitely should not drink and entire case of beer. I do not want these peo- ple to drink my beer. These peo- ple should only buy small quantities of beer and drink them. or they would waste. The father of our religion. Martin Luther. would not have it that way. He would imbibe the entirety of the hops-ﬂavored malt beverage that he could acquire. It is therefore not in our Lutheran mission to supply lightwieght drinkers with beer." Students applying for free beer are given the c_hoice of Busch Light. Rolling Rock, and Grain Belt Premium. Their selection is not necessarily guaranteed to be the beer they will receive. No options are currently available for those who do not drink alcohol for medical or personal reasons. Ann Garvey has announced that she will provide 20 boxes of wine to students who do not wish to drink beer. Students preferring the box of wine are to submit a completed “Free Beer Applica- tion" with the word “beer” crossed out and replaced with “wine” to her ofﬁce. For more information. call Presi— dent Frame at x1085. Forslﬂég‘tﬁmes , you got stuckﬂﬁithﬂhe bi”,
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999, Page 07
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: the May 7, 1999 -§Useles v .1.1 “1,111 Banter 1:11! 1|~rh~= inl: lrr page 7 'Help Wanted Summer outdoor work with Restoration, Inc. 40-60 hours per week. Starting pay is $800-$850 per hour. Begin as soon as classes are finished. If interested contact Craig or Steve. Phone # 612-428—1537 other...
Show morethe May 7, 1999 -§Useles v .1.1 “1,111 Banter 1:11! 1|~rh~= inl: lrr page 7 'Help Wanted Summer outdoor work with Restoration, Inc. 40-60 hours per week. Starting pay is $800-$850 per hour. Begin as soon as classes are finished. If interested contact Craig or Steve. Phone # 612-428—1537 other college students at Lake _ WALKLINE 612-373-2411 m 612-313-2465 WWWMNAIDSPROJECTDRG “1511: with the Augsburg Team or !Sponsor ithe Augsburg Team Please call Rebecca at x4938 to Sign up to walk, to sponsor the team. or for further information. lllllSWlllll SUNDAY. MAY 16, 1999 MINNEHAHA PARK, MINNEAPOLIS wine@augsbur9-edu wine©augsburg-edu wine@augsburg-edu Look, just write for the Echo. - ‘_ .. now! if you would like to be a staff writer * the 1-999—2000acadernic year, call Augsburg the Echo Maggie Weller Co-edilor in thief Conor Tobin (Io-editor in chief Jennlter Rensenbrink News edimr Josh Kluge Sport: editor Rachel Selle A & E edilor Adam Roeseh Layoul edilar Aaron Vogel Phom editor Allison Helmkes Copy edilor Davld Asp Consultanl Commissioner Faculty advisor Adrienne Loso Boyd Koehler Sta” writers: Dan Walker, Tim Fox, Emily Nugent. Ellie Holzemer, Jim Webber, Cheri Johnson. Mike Schwalen. Trevor John- son. Katie Koch, Paul Raukar. Thad Suyker Photographers: Emily Chen The Augsburg Echo is published each Friday except during interim. vacation periods and holidays by the students of Augsburg College. 731 21 st Avenue South. Minneapolis. Minnesota 55454. Opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reﬂect those of the supporting staﬁ‘. administration. faculty, or the remainder of the students. The Echo does not necessarily promote the products or services it advertises. First copy free: additional copies available in the Echo ofﬁce. The Echo oﬂice can be reached at (612) 330—1102. at campus box #l48 or e—mail: echa@augsburg.edu. Annual subscription rate $35.00. Printed with Print Group Midwest on recycled paper "’ O "3 a 31 PM ma“ ,9, c: -¢u o‘ 9 agar-1 95 .=¢ug7 ff 338.01: a: “9’ :1 c *mza-c 93753 “arrow”:- 5: -> c 2=>‘<>? < 3.55... ‘Show less

Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999, Page 06
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: g-EUseless nter May 7. 1999 A Wk U. g h , page 6 ‘ b d’ GOI ng A roa . Thinking about making some quick money? ink, gain! If someo ' and a big Chunk of a suitcase or pack . | ember: - The pol - You wil - You wil s, your take you ountain hen you ver who gets to eat? h pa 0 nter and there isn y in...
Show moreg-EUseless nter May 7. 1999 A Wk U. g h , page 6 ‘ b d’ GOI ng A roa . Thinking about making some quick money? ink, gain! If someo ' and a big Chunk of a suitcase or pack . | ember: - The pol - You wil - You wil s, your take you ountain hen you ver who gets to eat? h pa 0 nter and there isn y in 1 1 You will be blamed for anything in your suitcase, no matter who Wis it there. Ignorance is no excuse. If it’s in your suitcase, it’s your crime, and you will do the time. mmueisbroudﬂmvoubvﬂleus. Mandamus
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999, Page 05
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: May 7, 1999 page 5 Theatre in and Around Deja Vu and HMS Pinafore Jlm Webber gamma ,. Theatre Review: Deja Vu would strongly suggest stopping by Deja Vu. The show put on by the dancers is phenomenal. These ladies know exactly how to move. Surprisingly none of these girls has made it to the big...
Show moreMay 7, 1999 page 5 Theatre in and Around Deja Vu and HMS Pinafore Jlm Webber gamma ,. Theatre Review: Deja Vu would strongly suggest stopping by Deja Vu. The show put on by the dancers is phenomenal. These ladies know exactly how to move. Surprisingly none of these girls has made it to the big time. but if any producers stop by the Twin Cities: look out Hollywood! When I went I wasn't really sure what to expect. I thought the show would be like a Broadway musical with good music and lots of dancing. I was feeling a little giddy that night. so I was happy learn the show was very interactive. One of the greatest parts about having interactive plays like these is that you can come and go as you please, and you‘re not stuck in a chair watching only the actors have fun. These women clearly spent time at a New York dance academy. The gyrate with the best of them and are willing to share their talents with the world. The audience is so pleased with the dancing of the young ladies. that they giv- them extra money and yell out sweet pet names as they dance. One thing that I thought was remarkable during one of my now frequent visits to the "theatre" is that Augsburg student body president David Asp has never been late for a show. He is. however. usually the last to leave. IF YOU WANT TO CHECK OUT SOME OF THE BEST THEATRE AROUND. I Adam Roesch QLUHSMLL, a - a. s . Theatre Review: “H.M.S. Pinafore” at Crown College, St. Bonifacius, MN CROWN COLLEGE IS AN UNACCREDITED MISSIONARY COLLEGE located about 45 minutes southwest of Augsburg. Crown College‘s cited purpose is to aid in the conversion of the world to Christianity by the year 2000. I do not say this because I wish my readers to be prejudiced against Christian institutions (need I remind all of you that Augsburg is a Christian institution as well?). Rather, I tell the reader of Crown College so they can understand why the play was altered from it original form to appease a Christian audience. The light operetta “H.M.S. Pinafore.“ written in the late 19th century by Gilbert and Sullivan, was their fust truly successful play and is probably the reason that we hear of them today. Yet Crown College took so much artistic liberty with their presentation. that the original masterpiece was hardly recognizable. Gilbert and Sullivan wrote a hilarious and biting satire of the rigid class system of the 1800‘s in Britain. The story follows a sailor named Ralph (pronounced “Rafe“) in the Queen‘s navy who falls in love with his captain’s daughter. Yet her class is much higher than Rafe‘s and her father forbids her. instead intending her for the First Lord of the Admiralty. Sir Joseph Porter. In the end, Jospeh does not end up with the captain‘s daughter. but rather with his first cousin. Hebe. Yet when Crown College took their editing pen to the play, they made Hebe Joseph‘s “distant cousin," not his first as Gilbert and Sullivan had intended. This type of rearrangement of such a classic is unforgivable. Perhaps we should change “Oedipus.” too. so he doesn‘t marry his mother. What Crown College did to the “H.M.S. Pinafore“ is just as irreverent. if not more. Sure. the set, costumes, lighting, and singing were great. and I laughed my ass off. But I know that all the hard work and effort they put into it was just to get their conserva- tive Christian agenda across with one hell of a great play. And David Asp will never ever be late again. What. never? No, never? What never? Well. hardly ever. Ice creamcontinued from page 3 as deformed rebels bent on the destruction of ice cream unity. As we sit and eat the mind controlling soft serve. we will soon become drones in the soft serve army. But Normal ice cream has a powerful weapon of its own: Ben and Jerry's. Regardless of whatever control 503 serve has over someone. no one is immune to the euphoric effect of the infa- mous “Chubby Hubby.“ I hope by now you have made the ultimate connection: The war is already happening. It is not fought with guns and missiles. but on the battleﬁeld of our very minds. Heed this warning: THE BATTLE OF ICE CREAM HAS BEGUN! SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU STILL CAN! wine©augsburg.edu wine©augsburg.edu wine@augsburg.edu wine©augsburg.edu wine@augsburg-edu wine©augsburg.edu FOOD AS WE’RE CONCERNED: Marriott Any Augsburg Student Who hasreveir eaten at Marriott gest that you try stopping upstairs at Marriott. You‘ll ﬁnd a wonderful variety of fabulous and healthy food. more than nlL‘Cls the eye. As I walked out one day. my fried said to me. “Gosh. that was the best llit‘JI l‘\ c oxcr eaten... I‘ll be getting some reading material. sec you in ﬁve!” I was especially jazzed when I had the soy sauce on bugs. It “as L‘\[VCL‘I.|II) ﬂavorful and full of protein. And it was garnished with parslcy. If you're into exotic pizza. you should try their “We're throwing crcr) IL'lI incr \cg» ctable or fruit we can ﬁnd on to this“ pizza. It's 1| real treat and seems I|I\t‘ u lot of tun Particularly tasty is the hamburger. You'll probably be uhlc to try this any time _\ou go there. so you may wish to dabble in something new. And ifyou really want some cwilcr men.t try asking one of the servers for the meat without the sauce. if you‘re lucky. they'll explode! I’ve found that many college students have great difﬁculty iti fulﬁlling their duin amount of foods from the grease group. However. Man'iott is a leader [I] the industry zit supplying items loaded with greasy goodness. Ifyou feel that you are not getting enough grease. stop by Murphy's and stick your head in the deep frycr or ask them no! to shake the excess grease off your food. So if you‘re hungry stop on in at Marriott. After all you paid for it. you might as well eat it. IF YOU‘VE EVER BEEN HUNGRY AND LOOKING FOR A BITE TO EAT. l SUG‘ FILM AS WE’RE CONCERNED Adam Roesch LayouL editor 7 r 7 Movie Review: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace Grade: F S IF THE FIRST three ﬁlms in his Star Wars trilogy E P I S O D E I direc'mcmgems T H E P H A N T 0 M M E N A C r. attacks us again with the ﬁrst ofa trilogy of “pre- quels“ for his original three»part snoozer. Sadly. “Episode I: The Phantom Menace" removes all that was redeemable out of the ﬁrst three movies and leaves with a worse prod- uct. The ﬁrst three movies had real actors and actresses playing the parts of all the weird- looking aliens. You‘d watch those movies (painful though it may be) and at least could respect that people would wake up at three in the morning. undergo eight hours of makeup. ﬁlm for 6 hours in the desert. just ﬁghting off heat stroke and dehydration but being careful not to drink too much water because they would have to take off all the makeup to do so. and that was another 5 hour process. If one couldn‘t hold it, they‘d lose the job and never be able to tell their children that they got to play that horrible scarred-toall-hcll bad guy who didn‘t even put up a ﬁght as Luke Skywalker killed you with his light-sabre. Yet in Phantom, there are no such actors for whom to have respect. All the weird creatures are played by nobody besides a bunch of number-crunching computer geeks who have digitally designed them. Remember how you thought Jurassic Park was going to look all cool. with real-looking dinosaurs, but then you paid your hard-eamcd $7 to that in the decades since Sinhad the Sailor. movie technology had moved forward about three years? That‘s what Phantom is like. except that movie technology has progressed another 3 months. and George Lucas uses computers for what seems to be all but the actors. For all I know. the deserts were really filled in by chroma-key after being ﬁlmed in Lucas‘s bathroom. Besides the fact that the movie looks less real than Toy Story. it has numerous other flaws. The story is basically the same. Young boy who has “the gift of the force“ or some such BS needs to be protected from “the Dark Side“ so he can go on to save the world by becoming a Jedi knight. But wait! It IS different! Yoda's younger and has sideburns! The syntax of Yoda not even yet that backwards is! C3PO doesn‘t have side panels yet and all his wires are exposed! Badass MF Samuel Jackson plays another Jedi! (But was it really a surprise when his character turned to the dark side at the end. and tried to con‘upt the young Anakin Skywalker? I almost expected him to say “Does Darth Sidious look like a droid?" (By the way. the answer is no. Sidious looks exactly like the Emperor.» One thing I would personally like to ask George Lucas is “If Phantom is supposed to take place before the original trilogy. why does it seem like this is much more technologi- cally advanced than the originals?" Everything in this movie that ha to deal with the tech- nology in the story seems to be about 100 years ahead of the most advanced things in the original trilogy. which is supposed to take place [00 years later. That‘s a pretty hard fact to swallow. Despite all this. the acting is the movie‘s our: low point. The young boy who plays Anakin couldn‘t ﬁnd his way out of a plastic bag. not to mention acting his way out. I'm guessing that he was brought on because they needed something to fill the "cute" role now that the Ewoks (read: little bear—people) weren't involved. All the big names (Jackson. Liam Neeson. Ewan McGregor) seem like they‘re coasting through the movie. rather than acting. Perhaps Darth Maul (the bad guy who looks like a devil) would have been more convincing had he been less of a silly and robotic parody of a devil. And the computer- generated characters had about as much personality as low—grade intemet pornography. Ifthere was one thing that I enjoyed about this movie (and this is a stretch). it's the mes- sage that commercialism is. if not the source of evil. deﬁnitely evil's primary work in the world. The robots that are take over the planet are brought in to control and protect the Dark Side‘s economic interests in exploiting the planet‘s natural resources. Yet I have a suggestion for all that wish to see this movie (which I‘m guessing is 95% of the Augsburg College population). take my word for it on the movie's message. and keep yourself from being exploited for your money by the Dark Side of Hollywood. Avoid this movte.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: May 7. 1999 :r \x'x‘r-l
Show moreMay 7. 1999 :r \x'x‘r-lShow less

Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999, Page 03
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: May 7. 1999 e-ENGWS ' .i \\(’K l»;|\ |)LII)|I(‘:IIII)II .yr' “\t-It-sr‘ l).ll\ll :- page 3 National magazine features student organization Hugh Hefner Staunghr Micky pithe ACC NE OF AUGSBURG‘S student organizations was featured in a national mag- azrne recently. The ACC released its official list...
Show moreMay 7. 1999 e-ENGWS ' .i \\(’K l»;|\ |)LII)|I(‘:IIII)II .yr' “\t-It-sr‘ l).ll\ll :- page 3 National magazine features student organization Hugh Hefner Staunghr Micky pithe ACC NE OF AUGSBURG‘S student organizations was featured in a national mag- azrne recently. The ACC released its official list: Girls of the ACC. This list. according to an ACC spokesman, took approximately 2 months to compile. The were 20 girls on the original list. and, through a rigorous selection process. that list was narrowed to a ﬁnal 5 girls. The ACC decided to compile the list in order to present the right image. “Originally. we just used ‘con- servative,‘ to pick up chicks.“ John Trevorson, President of the ACC, said. In an effort to shed their that conservative label, the ACC selected their 5 top girls. “It was a grueling process, but a fun one!" exclaimed one mem— her. In an ofﬁcial statement in the magazine. the ACC wrote. “We thought in order to become more liberal. we'd take Clinton‘s exam- ple and run with it." Student Body President David Asp was extremely excited to see the great news. “There’s really no better feeling than realizing Augs- burg‘s student groups are getting recognition--especially in something I read daily. I go to all the meetings and I‘m always--always—-on time." Larry Flynt. publisher of Hustler was excited to see them in Playboy. “It‘s good to see this. I hope I can get that kind of press for my paper. I love con- servatives and their views on pornography.“ The ACC felt that most people would never believe that they would be published in a national magazine like Playboy. However. they felt they had no choice but to do so. “We tried loving the environment. but that didn’t work—it really isn’t any warmer than it was 100 years ago you know. That didn‘t seem to get us any A3. Intervl PI. ENTERTAINMENT FOR . e :or 1 HOT, HOT COLLEGE ISSUE... The ACC was proud to be featured in the November 1998 issue of Play- boy. “We never thought we'd get this much recognition." attention though. So we thought: hey. let’s liberalize our views. select some women. and it was all up hill from there,“ Trevorson explained. The women were selected from across the nation. However, many came from the Atlantic coast. One member was quoted as saying he liked the “east coast honeys." When asked what he meant by that. he just walked off. “This isn'.t just out expanding our views.“ Tre— verson said. “it‘s about coming out of the past and accepting women as equals in society.“ The ACC is proud to announce its major step for- ward. Each year they will select ﬁve new women as The Girls of the ACC. of something or other gets out of hand i .53. .i Creative smut tore after one another in the thick grass. with an orgasmic energy that could power a small industrial city: delectable orchids quiv- ered as the sun melted into them with the pulsating passion of a paganistic Parisian. Everywhere Professor Kennington looked. amorous creatures were taking advantage of the wamiing weather like so many big~homed goats grazing hungrin on soft. velvety crescents of precious patches of sweet mountain grasses. It was May. and the days were getting hot. But Professor Kennington was ﬁlled only with anguish; soon it would be time for Vivian Fuller. enrolled for four full truly enlightening years in Lava of Love 101. to move her young. taut body down the last aisle of this phase of her higher~and lower—learning. The fact that Vivian had promised him that she would not wear any clothes under her robe. so that he The fact that Vivian had promised him she would not wear any clothes under her robe . . . did little to console this lecherous lecturer. IT WAS SPRINGTIME: GLEAMING-EYED SQUIRRELS could imagine her unfettered thighs coming toward him as he took his place with the other faculty members in their appropriate colors and costume. did little to console this lecherous lecturer. Finally he could bear his thoughts no longer. Her quivering love channel. his purple-headed manroot—his ﬁngers shook like smooth. curled reeds bending to the conquering thrust of the grisly wind. He dialed her dorm extension. “We need a trip. Vivian." he breathed. “one lastjoumey of love before you're gone from me forever.“ His sweet. honey-voiced nymph needed little persuasion. She tapped one of her sharp nails on her parted lips and thought of his ﬁrm buttocks. “All right.“ she said huskily. wrapping the cord around her soft, bulbous upper arm. “But can we stop for snacks on the way?“ “Meet me at the Pump‘n Munch!" Professor Kennington let out a little cry. When she saw his body stretched out over the freezer case. Vivian could already taste the salt under her tongue as it would run over his moist and ﬂaming pectorals. But when she ﬁnally got near him. she saw that he was being droncd at by a stock»hoy who was stocking the milk. "So I think I wasjust exceptionally rough with the bag.“ the boy was saying. Vivian groancd and wrapped herself around a revolving rack of Doritos. "You see. I stuffed it in a little too hard. and I made it burst. so that I had to go change my clothes." Vivian and Professor Kennington threw their heads back in uni- son. “Oh. stop it." shouted the all»too»cager educator. “You havc no idea what you‘re doing to me!" The stock boy backed away. “It was just a bag of milk." Vivian saw her chance. Shc dove for Professor Kcnnington's now unguarded body. and they embraced with the desirous force of unbri- dled ﬂames rippling through a national forest. In a moment Prot'cs» sor Kennington forgot about his dismal future and focused only on his delicious delight. his Venus love trap. Outside. the sun grew dimmer with evening: birds of the night beckoned in the swollen. glistening moon: a car skidded and screamed likc screeching puma. a compassionate soul cried out in concern. “Hey. he aluiOst hit Extro!" All around the lovers‘ orb of mutual satisfaction were noises of the outside world. but nothing could penetrate the illicit bubble of love which had ﬁnally come to an end. 3 Brendan Helmkes gmrmman,-,,, Ice cream is subtle mind control hood I thought of ice cream as a tasty source of pica- sure, but now I realize it was really subtle mind con- Seymour Butts Eryﬂgvem - . Dick Adamson, Acting Vice- president of Finance and Admin— istration entered the Fairview-Riverside hospital‘s psychiatric ward yesterday. Adamson entered the psychi— atric unit after his secretary Pat Osterheim called 911. “He just wouldn‘t stop yelling. He kept shouting, ‘Damn it! Damn it! lam the Vice-president of Finance and Administration! He just whipped things around the room.“ Oster- heim said. Authorities were ﬁrst alerted to the situation after the editors of the echo received threats from the vice-president‘s ofﬁce. “At ﬁrst it was just calls and heavy breathing.“ Conor Tobin. Co-edi- tor in Chief. said. “but then he kept calling and shouting. “I‘ll show you who something-or- other! At that point. Maggie and I decided to report the incident to the proper authorities. Minneapolis police were the ﬁrst to arrive on the scene. David Asp was the last. They subdued him before the ambulance arrived. Putting him in a straight-jacket took almost an hour one eye-witness said. FEW WEEKS AGO, WE WERE ALL treated to a special surprise as we received our dinner upstairs from Marriott. Was it ‘ that the food tasted better'.7 I don't see how that is ‘ possible. but. no. It was. of course. the new soft ‘ serve ice cream machine. Over the next few weeks I watched as students with joy on their faces pre- tended they were expert Dairy Queen employees as they pulled the slot machine-like levers producing chocolate. vanilla. or the coveted “swirl” ﬂavor. But is this ice cream really the good clean joy that everyone seems to think it is? It might come as no shock to learn that No Frills began providing ice _ cream for their patrons at about the same time Augs- ; burg received our wonderful machine. But other businesses have also jumped into the ice—cream-pro- viding ring. 15 ice cream secretly plotting the take over of our civilized society? All through my child- trol. Just consider what Augsburg Freshman Lindsay Bonner said just days after eating the new soft serve. “It‘s the best thing that's happened [other than meeting Brendan Heimkcs to me since coming to this school." Does this sound like the comments of a normal freshman girl who should be much more concerned with getting a date than twist ice cream? I think not. Mind control is the only viable explana- tion. 50 now that we've established that ice cream is an intelligent force to be reckoned with. and that president David Asp is always late. we have to worry about another problem. It is obvious that soft serve ice cream and regular ice cream are very dif- ferent and clearly there is tension between them. This can only mean one thing. We as the human race will soon become pawns in a large scale ice cream civil war. “Normal” ice cream secs soft serve See “ice cream” continued on page ?
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: -§Useless Banter .. . Lit WM“ .i...“ Hi i... l. st it mm the May 7, 1999 page 2 6 Editors Dear Augsburg Echo: When I think of Augsburg College I‘m continually impressed by the diligence and overall commitment to academic excellence exhibited by its students. Other schools across the nation. my...
Show more-§Useless Banter .. . Lit WM“ .i...“ Hi i... l. st it mm the May 7, 1999 page 2 6 Editors Dear Augsburg Echo: When I think of Augsburg College I‘m continually impressed by the diligence and overall commitment to academic excellence exhibited by its students. Other schools across the nation. my own included. envy Augs- burg where education most certainly meets experience. My ﬁrst impression of Augsburg was last year when 1 had a chance to visit campus on your “Case Day." I was electriﬁed with the dedication of Augsburg students to cases of social justice around the world. If only other colleges would follow Augsburg‘s example and protest social injustices with concerts and camivals. And even during the “Case Day“ demonstration the commitment to scholarship continued. That night and all weekend long. many students were still walking with their backpacks on. obviously heading for some sort of late-night study session. Further. these students seemed to have all kinds of containers and boxes in these backpacks, no doubt part of a class project. After my visit, there was no doubt in my mind as to why Augsburg attracts the top«quality students. I've heard of Augsburg students who are so gifted that they often are able to go through a semester without buying a single book. And others who loudly listen to music and drink every night of the week. These students. who are obviously ahead in their own studies. would be more than welcome here at the University where they could do homework for our athletes. Of course this is not to say that Augsburg doesn't challenge its students. Many professors require their stu- dents to come to class and even do homework on their own. Therefore. it is obvious that these students must be of the highest caliber in order to succeed at such an outstanding institution. nu V15 OANDRO u Warmest Regards. “J Mark Yudof g l“— g President University of Minnesota '3 5 "g \ ' ' ’ ’ ’ ’ ’ g t 3 _ Dear Editors. > t J - b I 3) § This semester I have been pleas» anlly surprised by the meticulous work that you have consistently put into this great paper. Not only are you intelli- gent and good looking, but you obvi< oust have natural joumalism skills. A good friend to them once. “You‘re so smart. and I‘m so stupid." They took it well. encouraging her and aiding her in becoming more intelli- gent. You two exemplify everything that is great about Augsburg Oooh! I love you guys. All of my friends want to be like you. We are going to charter a club with the ASGA called the Auggies for Conor and Maggie Association (ACMA). The ﬁrst act of the ACMA will be to erect a shrine in your honor. When we see you on campus we stop to stare in awe at your magniﬁcence. _ We are also working with scientists to advance cloning to the point where we can clone humans. We will then begin to create an entire world of Conor's and Maggies-—we truly believe that will ensure a utopian world. Thank you so much for attending Augsburg College and helping to make it the ﬁne academic institution that it is today. Editor‘s note: We would just like to thank this anonymous writer for their honesty and apparent good taste. We also want to thank all of our loyal fans for their devotion and support. Thank you. Sincerely. The president of ACMA llbekiylﬁﬁne I love Augsburg P.S. I‘d also like to add that I‘m happy you‘d never be late to anything like our student body president. ACC.’ Heat, death of the Universe Matthew R. Klatt Augsburg College conservatives Here‘s a list of things you can do: —DO NOT move. E'VE BEEN HEARING A LOT LATELY -DO NOT eat. in the national news. and even our small -DO NOT drink. campus newspaper, about "Global Warm- -DO NOT talk. ing." Well. I‘m not worried about that as I am about “Universal Warming.“ According to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, the total entropy of the universe is continually increasing. For those of you who are unfamiliar with entropy. here.s another deﬁ- nition: entropy is a measure of dispersal or disorder in matter. The fact is. when heat is given off, entropy increases or vice versa. So. it is safe to say that if the Second Law of Thermodynamics is true (which it can be assumed to be so). all the energy of the universe will someday be completely converted to heat energy. Hence. the inevitable heat death of the universe. I know you are all wonied about this bleak future for our wonderful universe. especially the environmental groups that care so deeply for this planet. Unfortunately. there is NO way to change the fate of our universe. Do not be too discouraged. there are things we can do to prolong the life of our universe and Mother Earth, That is just a short list of what you can do to help protect our universe. So, I,m calling for a global ban on all human activity sponsored by the United Nations. Come on people. this is serious. Unlike global wamting. where people cannot agree on its existence (since people are ignorant to the difference between the greenhouse effect and global warming. and con- tinue to exclude the other natural and artiﬁcial con- ditions that affect the global climate): even NASA‘s Climate News and Research is unsure of the intrica— cies of global wamring and the global climate in . general. So. take a stand against universal warming because itjust may sneak up on us if we don’t do something now! Sponsored by SHREW (Society for Heat Reduction in Environmental Weather). ~ Let God get V on you. Join us in the harvest...
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999, Page 01
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: eekly H 33 May 7. 1999 a weekly publication of useless banter Volume 104 Issue 20 In this issue: President David Asp is late. page 2 President David Asp is tardy. page 3 President David Asp is punctually challenged. page 4 President David Asp punctuality impaired. page 5 President David Asp is...
Show moreeekly H 33 May 7. 1999 a weekly publication of useless banter Volume 104 Issue 20 In this issue: President David Asp is late. page 2 President David Asp is tardy. page 3 President David Asp is punctually challenged. page 4 President David Asp punctuality impaired. page 5 President David Asp is never on time. page 8 Frame celebrates graduation, Case Day President Asp not on time for Case Day An author Echo, writer, President Frame has been living a lie ever since he “gradu- ated" high school “I am deeply ashamed." Frame said in a press con- ference held last week. Frame never gradu- ated from high school. Instead. he employed tactics of deceit an manipulation to gain acceptance into college. However. Frame ﬁnally received his diploma and got to walk last Saturday. “I was so proud! It was so exciting. That night. I tore up the joint like a high school kegger. Of course it was a high schbol keg- ger." Frame told reporters. Augsburg ofﬁcials are still try- ing to assess the damage done to the President‘s House. “He hasn’t been that out of hand since Case Day ‘98. I just hope that this weekend took it out of him for Case Day ‘99." one official Student body president abducted by aliens 7 David Asp late for inauguration Some sneaky person President Frame double fists at his graduation. hoped. “Bull—shit!“ Frame responded. Frame dropped out of school in 'the third grade. His life of crime as a 10-year-old led him into sev- eral different juvenile detention centers. By the time he was 15. he was doing hard time in an adult penitentiary. “I remember once. 1 was in a ﬁght while in prison——I kicked the guy's ass then I spent a month in the hole." Frame said. see “Frame” on page 1 Yeah. that’s right look at the bottom right corner Maggie Weller worlds best editor 7 On Monday. May 3. student body president. David Asp nearly missed the convocation intended to honor him and next year‘s Augsburg Student Government Association. News Briefs: The Nation, The World George turns down Bulls offer Devean George. a senior men's basketball player for Augsburg, has turned down an offer from the Bulls for $2.5 million. In a press conference yesterday. George "I'm happy with the Globetrotters." he said. "Just because I'm the next Michael Jordan doesn't mean I want to play for the Bulls or earn lots of money." George. who may possibly be the next Michael Jordan. is the ﬁrst NCAA Division III player from Minnesota to ever turn down an offer of a $2.5 million contract. NATO to bomb world "We've had enough of this insurrection," said Pres ident Clinton on the White House Lawn yesterday. "The US military--er. I mean NATO—~bas decided to bomb the entire world." This announcement came after sporadic bombing in Iraq and a six—week bomb— ing campaign in Yugoslavia. Since the rest of the world also has problems. Clinton-—er. we mean NATO—has decided that everyone except the United States and Britain will be bombed. However. "We will do our best to protect our economic-—er. I mean foreign-~interests." said Clinton. Global Warming: it doesn't exist A controversial new report from the Augsburg Co liege Conservatives revealed that global warming is a bunk concept. The report cites the example of a small town in Kansas .which has had unusually cool weather for the last hundred years. Also. Minnesota had snow this winter. However. another report released the same day quoted global warming expert Larry Crockett as saying. "Just because science can- not directly prove anything does not necessarily undermine their assertions." Brittney Spears bares all at Augsburg In a surprise performance Monday night at Augsv burg. Brittney Spears sang and danced her song "Hit me baby one more time" for a large audience of Auggies. To their surprise and sheer horror. Spears ripped of her tear-off pants at the end of her performance. "I was shocked and I feel very vio— lated." said student Rachelle Wilcox. Other stu- dents. however. were excited. "I‘m just glad we got to see her [naked]." said student body president- elect David Asp. "Brittney's a babe." Starbucks to expand "First the US. then the world!" said Starbucks CEO John Johnson last week in a televised news confer- ence. at which Starbucks revealed its plan to put two stores on every block in every city in every country in the whole world. Johnson also revealed Starbucks' excavating on the moon. "Soon. you will be able to enjoy a Frappuccino anywhere in the galaxy." said Johnson. Starbucks is also a major sponsor of the new Star Wars movie. Writing Lab employee addict 'lyler Livingston. an Augsburg senior and Writing Lab employee. has quit school and gone to Hazelden for his Tetris addiction. "Tyler‘s had a problem for a long time." said Allison Hcimkes. a co-worker of Livingston. "He thinks he's some Tetris god. But now that he's gone. the high score will be mine!" It is uncertain at this point whether Livingston will be able to graduate. But a Writing Lab Poll revealed that most students thought Liv— ingston's luck at the game was not the result of skill. but rather dumb luck. Perhaps Livingston's dumb luck has run out. Asp has managed to convince the majority of the student body that he overslept. The Echo. how- ever. has received information from an anonymous source that proves he was actually abducted Cuva -; imlden mount Echo Student Body President, David Asp screams in horror as space aliens force him to spend endless hours playing Sony PlayStation. by space aliens. “l was wondering why he seemed so dazed and confused when he ﬁnally got to the See “Alien abduction" on page ? Ekho wins award Asp on time for ceremony Allison Helmkes Copiediﬂrc Congratullations Augsburg Echo! The Augsburg Echo recieved the Grammar Right Award for there exellent job of copy editing this semestere. Maggie Weiller and Conner Tobin gladly excepted the award Saturday knight at the Radisson Hotel. A great writer. I don‘t remember his name—probably Chris some- thing or other—precedented the golden eraser to the dual editors. In there speach. they thanked the grate staff. full of wonderful] writ- ers. THay were so prompt with their stories. and their demeancr serpassed all. Conner said that. Tobine and Welleir were happy that this yecr they had vary fcw conflicts. and the Echo upheld the high standards that Augsburg is used to having since the past few years the quality has rolled the level of thinking and conversa- cion on the campus. Finally. the editors Wont to thank the Augsburg Studctn Senate for the use of theere printer. it worked so fast and in such good quality. Conor and Maggy say: “THanx to all who helped us acheive this great goal that we got. and we share all this awarde which gosc to all our ddcdicaicd staff and. yeah..." David Asp winned the punch- tuality award. He be on time... allwcighs. Framecontiunea' from page 1 After leaving the institution. he decided it was time to clean up his act. Frame the pressured college administrators to let him into col- lege using mob connections. Frame then received his political science degree. Shortly thereafter he was told to stop operating on people because he was not a sci- cntist in the medical ﬁeld. Frame then left for China where he began the process of donating money lo the Democra- lic National Committee. u pruclicc whichjust will not scam to stop Recently. Frame wax mn- See “Frame” continued on page 4
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Weekly Wine] May 7, 1999
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo [The Springfield Cronic] May 3, 1996, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: news English department under siege Unabomber connection revealed by Richard Wickstrum Swell guy The bizarre story of the English department‘s link to the Unabomber case, and the Federal police blockade of Memorial Hall, leaves no one unaffected. The confusion was great as President Andersen sent...
Show morenews English department under siege Unabomber connection revealed by Richard Wickstrum Swell guy The bizarre story of the English department‘s link to the Unabomber case, and the Federal police blockade of Memorial Hall, leaves no one unaffected. The confusion was great as President Andersen sent out a press release on Wednesday May 1 at 7pm., which conﬁrmed rumors saying that “classes as well as gradua- tion ceremonies are cancelled. “ After long discussions with both the CIA and the FBI,“ President Andersen wrote, “I see no other way than to call the academic year to an end. Federal troops believe that the English Department had been alerted before the operation, enabling them to get hold of food sup- plies. Thus, experts conclude, this unpleasant siege may con- tinue for weeks." It all started on Monday mom- ing, when Pastor Dave Wuld picked up a receipt that Dr. Kathryn Swenson, Chair of the English Department, had dropped in his chapel at the 10:20am service. The receipt, totaling an expense of $1300, showed purchases of nitroglyc- erin. cables. masking tape etc. which immediately aroused Pastor Wuld’s suspicion. The Pastor contacted his two friends at the FBI terrorist squad. Detectives Bill McNeff and Marie Rosser. who flew in from Washington DC and were on campus at 3pm. Monday after- IIOOII. The detectives interviewed Pastor Wuld, after which they decided to thoroughly investi— gate Augsburg‘s English Department. As the Pastor fol- lowed the detectives out, they happened to bump into Dr. Swenson. The Pastor gave her a kiss on the cheek. and the inves- tigators believe that Dr. Swenson may have caught on to who they were as well as why they were there. The FBI investigation gave immediate results. E-mail records showed that during the past four years, Dr. Joan Grifﬁth corresponded on an almost daily basis with Mr. Kaczynski, the prime suspect in the Unabomber case. Griffith got to know Kaczynski while she was finish- ing off her Ph.D. at Harvard University, and she is believed to have been the person in charge of the English Department operations. Moreover, the FBI realized about two weeks ago that the 20,000 page Unabomber mani- festo could not have been writ— ten by Mr. Kaczynski. First of all, the typewriter they found in his cabin did not ﬁt with the original manifesto, and second, the text was too clearly and con— cisely written to have been writ- ten by Mr. Kaczynski. The mid-section of the mani- festo is interrupted repeatedly with the capitalized message "SHOW, DON’T TELL!” and the piece is signed with the name of Ibsen‘s famous charac- ter Hedda Gabler. “No one but Dr. Swenson could have written it." said a group of students from her European literature-class. Only two professors freed from suspicion Apart from Dr. Don Palloossaarrii who is held hostage, the only member of the department who is not a suspect is Prof. “Mitch” Mitchell. He is also the only English professor who is currently not trapped in Memorial Hall, and in an inter- view on Tuesday evening he Bombs and Bergman: At left is the picture the FBI released to the public. At right is the photo taken at the time of the Oak Street Cinema raid. stated, “Kathryn Swenson bor- rowed one of my type writers about a year ago and she never returned it to me.” Answering the question whether Mitchell had noticed any strange activi- ties among his colleagues he said. “No, you don‘t understand. I thought I was the rebel! I can‘t believe they did this without me.” More disturbing evidence against the entrapped professors Show that in the Fall of 1993, Dr. Cathy Nickel and Dr. Graham Greene asked Mrs. Beverly Patton of the religion depart- ment, who is well-known for her knowledge in science, to teach them a little about explosives. In a phone interview with Mrs. Patton I asked if she hadn‘t been surprised at such an unusual request. She answered, “Not really, all the English professors are a bit quirky. However, I have to admit that Dr. Nickel startled me a bit when I asked her about the mini—portrait that hung around her neck. She suddenly rose from the table and turned her dreamy eyes towards the window. ‘It’s Lord Byron,’ she said, ’a man of action. I have been a woman of thought all my life, but now the time has come to act.” Identity falsification A police search at the Oak Street Cinema last night convinced the police that the English profes- sors were active members in the terror acts of the Unabomber. 700 pounds of explosives were found in the projector-room of the theater co-owned by Dr. Robert Coghill. What was even more shocking was the discovery of a secret room filled with red. fake beards, make-up. dresses and suits, as well as twenty-three different passports. Further inquiry at the University of Minnesota, where Mr. Coghill allegedly went to graduate school, showed that no one by the name of Robert Coghill had ever attended the program. This morning, the FBI released a statement saying that Robert Coghill’s real identity is Cathleen Dollgish, another member of the English Department. “No wonder I never saw the two of them together," “Mitch” Mitchell responded. Uncertain future “We have to get the media and the students out of here before we can do anything," said Detective Bill McNeff at the Wednesday morning press con- ference. The hostage is appar- ently being treated well and communication has been estab- lished between the police and Dr. Grifﬁth who is in charge. A xeroxed copy of a picture was thrown out of a window yester- day in which the professors. dressed in Elizabethan court style, proudly display a bomb with the message “Pro Literatura Moribus" written on it. A confrontation cannot be ruled out at this point. Disgruntled students take drastic measures towards library \‘h Students Daniel Hansen and Ralph Christenstein escort a library worker through the Uptown Borders bookstore in order to find “real books.” Strangely enough, no one recognized this student hostage. When asked about the worker, reference Iibranan Boyd Kuechler claimed, “I have no idea who the hell that guy is. ” by Eric Schaeffer Nice guy Last Wednesday evening, two students, Daniel Hansen and Ralph Christenstein, entered the Sverdrup Library, briefly scoffed at the magazine selec- tion, and then began to yell at the library workers on duty. Christenstein complained loud- ly, “Screw inter-library loan, man! We want better books now!“ Then Hansen coldly added. “Beneath the Underdog by Charles Mingus...we want it right now." One worker simply shrugged and said. “Never heard of it” to which Hansen replied, “That's the point." A frustrated Christenstein began to call the attendants “weenheads” and abruptly grabbed a library employee “makjn’ copies" as a hostage. The two students then ﬂed the building. running with their unnamed hostage to a pimp-like automobile on the southside of Murphy Square,where they sped away to the sounds of Curtis Mayﬁeld booming on the stereo. Once at the Uptown Borders bookstore, Hansen and Christenstein found the Mingus book, along with other “hip” novels and proceeded to force the library worker to pay for the items. Upon discovering that he, like most Augsburg employees, had no money, Christenstein sug- gested that Hansen make a run to the cash machine in Calhoun Square. Hansen would have gotten away with this, had he not stopped into Aljohn's to talk to his skater friends. The police, however, having already apprehended Christenstein in Borders, quick- ly nailed Hansen, who was locked in a zen-like trance watch ing old skate videos.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Springfield Cronic] May 3, 1996, Page 03
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Opinion Sgggie swim eam 5 out in mals by Robert Bumldsser Sports writer In last weeks National semi- ﬁnals, the Augsburg swim team lost in their most embarrassing defeat to date. The team. who'd thought they’d do OK and had doneagreatdealoftrashtalking before the match, was over- whelmed in the...
Show moreOpinion Sgggie swim eam 5 out in mals by Robert Bumldsser Sports writer In last weeks National semi- ﬁnals, the Augsburg swim team lost in their most embarrassing defeat to date. The team. who'd thought they’d do OK and had doneagreatdealoftrashtalking before the match, was over- whelmed in the 100 meter breaststroke. freestyle, and the 400 meter butterﬂy. The diving contingent also faired less than kosher. Kerry Milfoil, the team co-cap- tain. coach, lead diver, and relay specialist, summed up her teams performance: “It was rigged- they [North Dakota State. the other team] put sumthang funky in my Ensure. I got some bad ass gas the night before. I thought I had ﬂatulence, but this yellow shit got all over my sheets. There was no way in hell I could be in my top form. It takes a lot to get to that ‘next level‘ in sports, and when you‘ve got diarrhea like that, you just lack the conﬁdence to do a strong ﬂip What made Milfoil‘s defeat extra bitter was the fact that she “talked shit" to North Dakota State the night before. North Dakota's captain. Beth Shaklala reported that Milfoil had called her a “hoe” that could not swim even if her androgynous boyfriend ﬁnally "got the urge to give it up." When asked how she felt about these insults. Shaklala replied. “What a spite- ful gal. Them city girls don't got no ideas about how to treat a lady. I cried lots and lots. You betcha." The Augsburg pool, as pictured here, is not a big help to our team. It is a very shallow pool and “no where near the Olympic size pools of our competitor‘s pool," Milfoil pointed out to the press. The swim team looks forward to next year’s competition. as the construction projects on 1-94 should provide a good ditch run- off for them to practice in. WEEDFEST for dirty hippies and suburban wanna-bes alike by Jim Mactaggart Staff writer in a surprise move. ASAC has decided to sponsor the next “WEEDFEST.” the notorious hemp celebration. “WEEDFEST is no secret- even President Anderson knows about it. We just want everyone to get baked responsibly and safely. Besides, nothing beats a good bud» buzz just before ﬁnals. Oh. and don't forget to buy your ASAC sponsored bong and WEEDFEST T— shirt during lunch in the CC lobby," said Shelly Krebbs. The marijuana festival idea was brought before the Board of Regents by Mary McNuff, Dean of the Secretary to the President of Student Affairs . McNuff. who is known to keep a quarter bag on hand for all faculty meetings. thought that the Regents would whole-heartedly embrace the idea of the mass-toking. “1 got those wrin- kled white snobs so shitfaced with this really. really kind bud, they did- n‘t know what they were endors- I. ' 4. f } ‘ ‘ \ ingl“ said McNuff. ASAC decided to sponsor the event after residence life had conﬁscated a record number of dime— bags from Urness tower. “This year‘s Freshman class is especially con- sumed with novelty hallucino- genic." said Denise Anderson- Dickenbach—Collinsworih— Smithwellstone- Akeem— Lumbar— Thoraxic. With the overwhelming surplus. a WEEDFEST was an easy solution to the problem of space that the RAs had with storing the stuff in a file cabinet in Anderson. Dickenbach—Collinsworth— Smithwellstone—Akeen—Lumbar— Thoraxic‘s office space. “That damn file cabinet was brimming with bud," said sixth ﬂoor RA Dirk Zucinini. The festival, which will feature music from the Grateful Dead and Phish. will also have hair braiding sessions. Guatemala sweater con- tests (and important appeal item to any marijuana session) and tyedye expeditions. ,f )\‘ V‘ bMMAWW The Staff Focus: Eric Schneider and Ottar Schmitz Get to know your butt-hole series Eric Schneider- “What?” by Irik Anderson Butt Munch It was once said by someone not to mention. “What?” It was once said by someone also not to mention. “Hey. that‘s my crotch!" We, your esteemed Cronic staff. would like to present for your approval our editors. Ottar Schmitz and Eric Schneider. So what does it take to be editor for a paper like the Crom‘r? "Apparently nothing." says features editor Rikard Wikstrom. “What I don‘t get is why there are two of them‘.‘ Can't we get by with one editor not doing his job?" This is a little harsh and doesn‘t really reﬂect the feelings of the entire staff. For instance. Michelle Hanson. copy editor. commented “I think they're dreamy. Eric has the cutest laugh. and ljust love the way Ottar stares at my chest when I talk to him." Some of you upper classmcn may remember Eric Schneider best for his memorable antics last year when it was revealed that he and a fellow Augsburg student were apprehend— ed for lifting the gum ball machine from Cooper's Attic. “It was pretty heavy." said Schneider during an interview. “but the hours lifting weights has finally paid off." Ottar Schmitz. on the other hand. is a little less known around campus. He enrolled at Augsburg two years ago out of pure happenstance. During his remarkable escape from Stillwater prison in the fall of 1994. he decided to hide out in Astrid Larssen‘s (a f‘omer partner in crime) dorm room. After realizing the quality environment and innoceni Ottar Schmitz- “Hey. that's my crotch!“ student body hcri‘ iii Augsburg ht‘ naturally decided to stay. On Augsburg. Schmitz comments. “It's great to live and work so quiet, ly among the unsuspecting Augsburg student body. You'd think after two years of theft and property abuse someone would notice. but no one says ii thing." The (‘rmiic stuff would likc to thank both Ottar and liric on thcu hard work as editors, Umni...'l‘hunl\s guys. Visiting instructor shows security what a gun looks like. Truth about Interim proposal revealed in interview by Willie P. Onmey Staff wetter Much ado has been made recently about Augsburg‘s discussion about dropping the interim option. New evidence and testimony has sur— faced that reveals the true nature of the proposals. Last week. in an interview with Puree Mac‘nfiies. academic dean. it was revealed that the proposal is not an attempt to remain competitive with other private institutions. but rather a simple case of economics. "Yeah. we thought cutting J-term would simply save the college a lot of money. I've heard much talk of possible intelligent reasons for dropping the l—term the last couple of weeks. but c'mon Do people really think that this could possibly be an issue of improy‘ing Augsburg's poor standing among the ACTC schools" Certainly not. We just want to save some cash, “ Mac‘Nfries continued, “It‘s the per- fect plan. Ya cut a class. Ya increase the cost. Very few students will make the connection. In fact, adjusting the calendar in this way not only saves money for the col— lege, but helps us in others areas as well. “ Naturally I was curious what she meant. so with much hesitation. Mac'Nfries elaborated. "For instance. we‘ve found that Augsburg‘s place among the ACTC schools has actually improved in the last couple of years. This presents a serious problem for the administra- tion An increase in confidence among students about the value of their education here at Augsburg opens a whole new can of worms With a better education. students could pursue better jobs Maybe eien our jobs. We must protect our- selyes. As we baby boomers age. young. excited individuals continue to challenge our secure, established system. Clearly you can see our problem." The economic persist. Mac'Nlrics alluded to an apparent drop in airline fares during early January “liy break for ('hristrnas, we were able to smooth things over With the lac ully' m rcccnl salary debates ’lhc lhhutb offering a longer drop in lairlinc; larcs was a huge lever in clearing tighter salary bud gels " Although we could not interwcw any other faculty members concern ing the literm issue or Mac’Nlrics comments. we here at the ( ‘mnu are pretty sure these are the feelings of the majority oi the administration l guess the consolation in all this is that now Augsburg has the chance to have the worst month of the entire Minnesota year for vacation
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Springfield Cronic] May 3, 1996, Page 02
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: President Anderson fired over questionable behavior; pig by I.M. Onaecid Foreign despondent President Anderson on the outside seems to be your average college president, but inside lies a man with a deep dark secret: he’s a descendent of the Muppet family. When Charles Anderson assumed the throne...
Show morePresident Anderson fired over questionable behavior; pig by I.M. Onaecid Foreign despondent President Anderson on the outside seems to be your average college president, but inside lies a man with a deep dark secret: he’s a descendent of the Muppet family. When Charles Anderson assumed the throne of this rrrighty col- lege. the administration and faculty ignored the “Swedish Chef” and “Pigs in Space” impressions. But, when Chuck (called Chuckles by his beloved furry brothers) was involved in using tuition money to ﬁnance a Jenny Craig weight loss plan for Miss Piggy, the administration had the basis for dismissal. “ I just wanted to help another brother out!”, exclaims Chuckles in a private interview. He continues, “You know, the pig needed my help, God knows she needed to lose something. She’s still a virgin and I wasn’t about to take that from her, so I gave her the money to buy some Slim-Fast shakes. I had no idea she would enroll in a Jenny Craig Plan! I’ve been framed by a pig!" Soon after the interview, the president was seen running from campus, vowing to only eat pork and mumbling something about joining the NRA and taking up a job as a postal worker. Miss Piggy declined to be interviewed, but sent the Echo a tape of her new exercise video, appro- priately entitled, “Thanks President Anderson From Augsburg College For Financing My Jenny Craig Plan." Kermit was also unavailable for comment, but his lawyer issued a disposition in which Kermit defended his position as a ﬁrst-class entertainer that “wouldn’t be involved in such protein prac- tices." The letter concludes with the statement, “I‘ve seen the pig neck-ed, and believe me, Jenny Craig wouldn’t even make a dent in that body!” Thanks to the investigative work of “the few, the proud, the Augsburg Security”, the case was cracked wide open. It‘s amazing that this video was out for only 3 years and the security team was all over it! We as Augsburg students should be proud that justice was ﬁnally served. The case of the miss- ing cellulose was solved and its instigator dismissed from duty. One beneﬁt did come from all of this mayhem: any seniors wanting to graduate with honors, bring Chuck some bacon for lunch. Recent studies show that all humans are jerks. Just thought you’d like to know... Student ramblings... When we ﬁrst came to Augsburg, we dreamt of living in a house as upper classmen. But they tore the houses down ( or rent them to non- Augsburg students). So, we got more parking!....0r did we? They thought they had eliminated the huge house parties. now we have to drive to and from other locations. So, they made it safer for us! did they? That‘s OK! As administration elimi- nates one old student tradition, our young minds create a new one. ak down barriers and relieve the chool year soon to be completed....lets not forget that cookies and kool-aid is an essential part of this tradition. News Flash: After four years President Anderson has ﬁgured out the Judy Bloom mystery of Case Day....It isn't really kool-aid! This year administration took it upon themselves to pass out cute/colorful little flyers pointing out rules and regulations if we choose to participate in the celebra- tion of this day. They felt the need to do this seeing that we are rouwdy. uneducated. irresponsible high- school students. Whoops! We mean college students .... ..or are we? New KRMT Comissioner Willie . The former high school janitor was quoted as saying, “I'm gonna get funky on your Lutheran asses!" -Photo by P. Skinner A recent survey has revealed that an odd-looking fellow by the name of Homer Simpson is the only person in the Augsburg community that actually likes the “sculpture” In front of Urness Tower. (Coincidentally, Simpson is also the construction ’5 creator... Doh!) In last week’s photo poll, we accidentally switched around the names Tim Fox and Barry Blomegren. Oops! You’re lucky we didn’t screw them up worse... The Sp ‘ age}! Cronic ’y“\ Otter Schlitz Eric Schaffer Irik Andersin Richard Wikstrum Astrid Larssen Co-Editor intoxicated Co-Editor in hiding Photo Hedonist Foreign Editor Assistant Foreign Editor Layout Somethingorother Artsy Editor Staff Longhair Enforcer Faculty Spy Staff Wiseass Staff Inspiration Traci Gloomich Justin Grahamcracker Lars Ulrich Michella Hansino Boyd Kuechler Paulette Dzucka Lauren Pajsa The Augsburg Blahblah is published each Friday except during interim, vacation periods and holidays by the students of Augsburg College, 731 21 st Avenue South, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55454. Opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of the supporting staff, administration. faculty, or the remainder of the students. The blahblah does not necessarily promote the products or services it advertises. First copy free; additional copies available in the blahblah ofﬁce. The blahblah ofﬁce can be reached at (612)330-1102 or at carn- pus box #148. Annual subscription rate $35.00.
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Springfield Cronic] May 3, 1996, Page 01
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: (Zmanﬁ: Fr hc:S ' e T ﬁaﬁsi‘ﬁ “Just the Facts” “Number 1 in News“ Volume 102 Issue 18 May 3. 1996 Augsburg study shows link between sex and babies by Micheal HcOmtart MD Medical correspondent Augsburg researchers today announced a startling discovery that, if proven to be true. could change the...
Show more(Zmanﬁ: Fr hc:S ' e T ﬁaﬁsi‘ﬁ “Just the Facts” “Number 1 in News“ Volume 102 Issue 18 May 3. 1996 Augsburg study shows link between sex and babies by Micheal HcOmtart MD Medical correspondent Augsburg researchers today announced a startling discovery that, if proven to be true. could change the way humans view their sexuality. While doing side work for the nationally funded Human Genome Project, Augburg scientists found that human babies are linked to sex- ual intercourse. While more research is to be done. Dr. Lionel Givings said in a late afternoon press confer- ence that “sexual activity” and “reproduction” have a strong relationship to one another. Givings continued, “Apparently. when a man and a women copu- late. some sort of exchange hap- pens and offspring are often a result. We noticed an alamiing number of pregnancies in our studies when sex was involved." If the Augsburg research team’s ﬁndings are correct. then the future of human sexuality will be in question. The impact will also weigh heavily on the reli- gious community, since now it appears humans reproduce in exactly the same manner as monkeys and other animals. When asked if a comparison could be made between people involved in reproduction and monkeys humping, Dr. Givings said. “Well. yes... basically." The issue that society must now face is that couples must now use condoms and similar devices for purposes other than what they were intended for: prema- ture ejactulation. Sex will now have deeper consquences than simply satiating the male impulse to romp. Parenthood will at some point be introduced into every discussion prior to sexual activity. Not every expert agrees with the study. Sophmore David Latinsky. who took a couple of Babies may actually be a result of sexual intercourse. sociology classes last year. debated Givings findings: “That old Genome pimp don‘t know what the hell he‘s talking about. I laid plenty of chicks in the last few years and nobody got preg- nant. Therefore. it [human photo by your mom reproduction] don't happen that way." Latinsky's roommate agrees. “If sperm made babies. then my sheets would all be pregnant!" Another aspect of the story that scientist have found to be of interest would be thc discovery of a “female orgasm." previous» ly understood as a myth. Givings said. “it may just wcll be that women also enjoy sc\." lf Givings is right. than it would prove the theory that women do not exist to bc passivc sexual slaves to men as was commonly thought. However. women won‘t com— ment. at least not yet. “We are waiting for the male dominated world to react to this so»callcd discovery before we admit something only about an eighth of the womcn have evcr cxpcri» cnced." said feminist Marxist lesbian writcr/ theorist Pam Clonksky. In response to the new study. condom sales have soared. It is expected that by thc end of the week as many as four condoms will be uscd at Augsburg alonc. Christ’s visit marred by confrontation with security by Buteoe McClure News editor Jesus Christ returned to Earth last week in a long awaited encore. Chirst. who is known world wide as the son of Yahweh and the savior of humanity. came to Augsburg because of the high quality of our security force. His tour began with a visit to the security booth. He sat behind the glass for sometime. but when female students started complaining about the harrass- ing comments Jesus was mak— ing. security felt it wise to retreat to the parking lot where there conversation could contin— ue in a more secure setting. After ﬁnishing a few stogies. the conversation turned to the secu— rity truck. Chirst made clear his intentions to drive the Security Truck to get to Uptown for some ribs. but Johann Napoff. Chief Secutity Officer said. “Sorry Jesus. this here truck is for offi— cal business only." Jesus responded “Bullshit. man. I’ve been watching your so-called offical business. I am the son of God and I wanna ride! Remember Moses? Yeah. he forsaked Dad and couldn‘t enter the land of Canaan. So if you know what‘s good for you Yakoff. head security patrolman. you‘ll step aside!“ But Flakoff. chief of security. would not recant his position. and told the gathered crowd of Christians that “Jesus has not. and will not. be allowed to ride in the truck. as per the Augsburg policy paragraph 64. item 3. subparagraph 309298. Just because he is the son of God doesn‘t entitle him to free use of the mick." Jesus then threatened to bring about the end of the human race if he didn‘t get the ride to Uptown. but still Canfroth. head of security, would not give in. The Messiah‘s anger culminat- ed with a confrontation with Vaugh Jacoff. head security guy. that ended with what has been reported as an opening of Heaven‘s Gate and a sudden combustion of Ranoff and the an Rt. c out-m SECURITY Security officer Ron Standoff and Christ the Savior took part in a intense debate over the proper use of the security truck. The argument ended with the destruction of both Handol‘l and his crew. majority of his secuirity crew. Fill Quackbock. religion profes— sor. heard of the ordeal and rushed to the scene. “It was amazing. Christ raised his hand. danced in a circle. and whoosh. they all instantly burned up in a blaze of heavenly glory." commented Quackbock. Needless to say, Jesus did ride in 66 Huh ? photo by Paul the Apostle the truck . Witnesses report that after remarkng on the engine’s "nice pickup" Jesus tore oil in the direction of Uptown shout ing, “Ride to lJVC. live to ridc’” WHAT'S ‘NSIDE
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Title: Augsburg Echo [The Springfield Cronic] May 3, 1996
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection

Title: Augsburg Echo [The Hard Press] May 2, 1997, Page 04
Collection: The Augsburg Echo Collection
Search Result: Presidential Candidate Caught Cross-Dressing by Bootney Lee Fonsworth Film Star anish Physicist—turned- adtninistrator and prospec- tive college president Per Bak “as seen last weekend ducking out of a dodgy fish and Chips on Ne“ York's Lower East Side amidst 2t ﬂur- ry of women's clothing, He...
Show morePresidential Candidate Caught Cross-Dressing by Bootney Lee Fonsworth Film Star anish Physicist—turned- adtninistrator and prospec- tive college president Per Bak “as seen last weekend ducking out of a dodgy fish and Chips on Ne“ York's Lower East Side amidst 2t ﬂur- ry of women's clothing, He was avail- able for an interview two days later. nursing a large bottle of water and mumbling about a "Princess Dancer," Winn happened at Willy's. and do \‘ﬂll think this wtll affect your candidacy for president o/Angrlntrg College? ithrough bleary eyes) I found a few old friends from Broadway and we couldn't resist...No. really, I got to talking theory with some old friends of mine. and before I knew it I was wearing pink chenille...thc one with the big brown eyes loved it... Who! exactlv were you doing at Willy's" I was quantum fluctuation that ntght...my goodness. I really don‘t even know. [He was on his way to a conference tn Manhattan] All I retnember was some doll telling me that I could show her my sandpile model anytime.,.she said she‘ll prove my power law (cackle). I said, “Hell. baby—you. me, Godcl...let's prove this thing!“ It isn't often that my the- ories cross the lines of normal life... But Mr Bolt. you were wearing crushed velvet hotpants.’ And what's more. they were pink. Surer you tveren 'i theorizing in such (ti/ire? All right. all right...But as I was say- ing. pink chenille is therapy for what ails me. So I'm half nekkid. raving like a derelict about self-organized criticality. and who would've Ihunk it~the ladies just loved it,..if only Mandelbrot were here to sec me now. So who! has Augsburg made of the entire incident? All the administrators I‘ve known (sounds like a song ﬁt for a flyblown lounge. eh?) have love children in the many states of this beautiful country. and probably an even larger number abroad. Why. I myself have fath— Let's talk about repercussions here. Are you still being considered for the presidency position 7 Oh yes...l think you don‘t understand how administration works—it‘s moral dissolution from the top down. They're all libido-crazed men with a penchant for women half their age, and I've noticed a strange propensity for hirthmarks on their left br— All right! Answer my question Are you still a candidate? Yes. as far as old Chuck tells me. Why, I remember when he and I used to run the numbers at that Lee Lenores joint on Snelling,.,they used to call me the "Swain Dane" and him the “Horse-Hung Norse"... Dammit. Bak.’ Can't you be decent for one moment? For one. ﬂeeting moment? 1-! can't do this interview. I'm leaving... More to come next week on this entic- ing story ! Wrestling Team Arrested byTracy The nerd he reigning NCAA National I Wrestling Champion Team of Augsburg College has been arrested during a recent protest for non-violence. The team went to the peaceful protest to show their support for resolvmg problems using paciﬁc methods. They were protesting against the physical abuse many stu- dents at Augsburg students receive from professors when receiving less than an 3.0 on exams. One wrestler commented, “We never believe that any kind of vio- lence can solve disagreements. We like to talk about the problem and discuss our emotions and feelings to work through disagreements." Augsburg security arrived on the scene and was forced to arrest the whole team and put them in jail. “We hate to reprimand students for any wrong doings, but this peaceful protest pushed us a little too far," said one security guard. All the wrestlers. along with head coach Jeff Swenson and assistant coaches. remain in jail. Many other athletes. such as the football play- ers. who also believe in the same peaceful policies, are working together to raise funds to bail the team out ofjail. “We also believe that sharing your feelings when you are upset can solve disagreements much more effectively." a junior football player said. He added. “Many people do not understand us and our desire for peace among all people." Swenson said, “We will continue to work for non-violent ways to resolve conflict.“ This is the second team arrest in the past year for their non-violence charges The trial has been set for June 3. Thls male freshmen group was rewarded with pizza after recovering stolen undergarments from the filth floor at Urness. Security has President Anderson and Kelly Krebs in custody for the Incident. Photo Poll question : What is your secret? “I love broccoli." Tracy Glumich, nerd Utah." Charles Miller, photo dude “l breat 438' he a little every day." Astrid Larssen, Foreigner «5&3 aw, ' ye. t . _.. . , "This is the ﬁrst phase of a long- awaited return to my home spec/es.” Jim Webber, man at proudly amorous relations with machines “I take frequent milk baths.” HmWwedDadearmr ﬂm “My weekly dates with a great novel and a glass of cheap wine—they make real life suck a little bit less. Laura Pesla, Flock star 7'l haunt Cooper's attic." Stephanie Palmqulst, ghost “ l have no secrets.” Kimberly DILauro
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