BB RODENTS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Page 8 Don't patronize me just because I'm a piece of vertical transport equipment Urness Hall Elevator 7 Hey! Yeah, I‘m talking to you. Don't just get in, toss your Einstein’s Bros wrapper on my floor, and whip it out. Your phone, that is — but also don‘t whip anything... Show moreBB RODENTS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Page 8 Don't patronize me just because I'm a piece of vertical transport equipment Urness Hall Elevator 7 Hey! Yeah, I‘m talking to you. Don't just get in, toss your Einstein’s Bros wrapper on my floor, and whip it out. Your phone, that is — but also don‘t whip anything else out. I've seen some shit, and it‘sjust plain disrespectful. What do I look like, a fucking garbage receptacle? I am getting sick and tired of being treated like some kind of piece of metal, like I don‘t have feelings just because I'm a non-sentient machine. Sorry. I'm just really worked up. And down. But come on, it’s supposed to be spring for crying out loud — how are people still tracking all this gross slush onto my floor? Gross. You'd be cross too if a constant stream of ingrates tracked a half mud, half snow mixture across the largest plane of your surface area all the time. I only get mopped once a day, at best. Someone help me, please. While I have witnessed spontaneous rap battles, I really wish someone would take a more academic interest in what I have to offer. I‘m waiting for the day some students design an experiment with confederates who face my posterior wall, hum loudly, or strike up real conversations with the iPhone zombies who frequent my quadrilateral enclosure, subtly recording and reporting on the social pressures exerted on unsuspecting riders. Think of the research potential! The URGO grant practically writes itself. Also, don't use me as storage for the lounge chairs. I see how much Res Life charges for that, and it’s not worth it, I promise. Though it's always interesting when roommates drop off their friend's mini fridge and wait to see how long they take to realize. Don‘t get me wrong; Augsburg is a great place for a lot of reasons. Its inclusivity and commitment to service learning and social justice is truly outstanding, and with such a great student to faculty ratio, it’s hard to beat. But while everyone else is busy getting excited about Augsburg 2019, I‘m really having a hard time. Just hear me out, OK? Then you can go back to incessantly ringing my fire bell at midnight like a dumbass. How am I supposed to contribute to making Augsburg into a new type of urban university, small to its students and big to the world? I don‘t even get invited to focused conversations, convocations, all hands meetings... oh sure, I don‘t have any hands. Way to throw that in my face. How come there aren‘t ever any "all pistons" meetings? Must be some kind of exclusive “old humanoids club." Come to think of it, I don’t think there was a single mention of lifts, conveyors, hoists, paternosters, grain belts, Archimedes’ screws or dumbwaiters in the entire document. What kind of strategic vision is that? I guess I’m not worth much to you at all. It really makes my hydraulic fluid boil. I suppose I have it good in some ways. You know what they always say about the elevator business — it has its ups and downs. Poor Science Hall Elevator sounds like it’s about to explode every time someone squeezes into its cramped interior. And Library Rear Elevator can’t even reach the link level — what a joke! Talk about a bad “call” on that one. But at the same time, Memorial Hall Elevator looks like a goddamn spaceship. Flaunting your high-tech classic white, smooth-textured, backlit buttons... I can't stand it. How are we supposed to go “through truth to freedom" when I can‘t even go through a reasonable maintenance cycle? All these lofty ideals really push my buttons. Along with the groups of football players cramming the whole team in before obnoxiously slamming “door close." There’s an overload sensor for a reason! I have to admit; sometimes I break down on purpose. But it’s not my fault, you know? Sometimes life just gets really overwhelming, whether your mechanism is cable-home or hydraulic. I’m just trying to fulfill my vocation. CSBR to feature Abigail Carpenter and Megan Perry Do you have trouble finding the right room to study in? Do none of the campus lounges meet your student needs? Look no further because the new Center for Science, Business, and Religion (CSBR) building has the room for you. With its recent IO million dollar donation, the CSBR board has approved the addition of Augsburg‘s very own, very first “Room of Requirement." “The donor, who must not be named, gave us the money needed to do something really special," said President Paul Pribbenow. Contractors have been unsuccessful in drawing it into blueprints of the building, however. “We can't seem to get it to show up on the map," said Pribbenow. “I was told it will appear anyway, though." Because the "Room of Requirement" takes the form of whatever a student needs. it will be extremely inclusive and thus. capable of being used by students of all academic disciplines. “We’re very excited for the room’s versatility and inclusiveness,” said Pribbenow. “But students should be aware that the room will only be of access to students who really need it.” At a public forum held last Friday, parents expressed concern that the room would simply be a place for students to “smoke up" and “hook up,“ but Pribbenow was quick to dismiss those concerns. “We plan for the room to be used purely academically," said Pribbenow. “It's realistic to think that students will abide by this rule." Parents were quickly convinced by his argument. The forum was also used to address the concern that the “Room of Requirement" would give students access to an extremely leftist education, but Pribbenow was quick to comment. “We are a Lutheran school with solid Christian values," said Pribbenow. “Do not fear." When a certain, cloaked forum-goer got heated and questioned if his bowtie is actually a horcrux, Pribbenow strangely muttered the word “Obliviate,” at which point, "Room of Requirement” these reporters can no longer remember his answer to this question. This only feeds the rumor that Pribbenow will use the room to house his expanding (clip-on) bow tie collection. More money is still needed to get CSBR started. Pribbenow is seeking students to join his newly formed club, “Pribbenow's Army," which works to raise awareness and money towards the project. The CSBR board hopes the “Room of Requirement" will show just how serious the project is being taken and that donations will come flying in. “It will take a lot of galleons to fund this project," said the Board. “Listen, if we could flick a wand and make this money appear, we would." Donations are being accepted by transferring funds to Augsburg‘s account at Gringotts Bank on Riverside. They are encouraged, as the “Room of Requirement" is only the beginning of many Enchanting features the building will hold. “CSBR is going to be something truly magical." said Pribbenow. Show less
ANIMAL POO IVstheioke ksue. Page 7 Auggie Eagle to be featured in upcoming video game Andrew Jewell, Staff Writer Augsburg gamers got the treat of a lifetime this last week as indie designer Scott Cawthon announced the inclusion of a familiar face on his next project in the popular "Five Nights... Show moreANIMAL POO IVstheioke ksue. Page 7 Auggie Eagle to be featured in upcoming video game Andrew Jewell, Staff Writer Augsburg gamers got the treat of a lifetime this last week as indie designer Scott Cawthon announced the inclusion of a familiar face on his next project in the popular "Five Nights At Freddy’s" franchise. Auggie Eagle, renowned statewide for his cold, dead eyes and terrifying visage, has been tapped to appear as one of the possessed animatronics in the new game. “I wanted to make a game set in a small liberal-arts college, and when I saw Auggie, I knew Augsburg was the school I was looking for,“ said Cawthon of his decision-making process. “I just looked at his mangy, aging costume and knew that this was the perfect lieutenant for Freddy Fazbear." The game will focus around a DPS officer trapped in the abandoned science building after the construction of CSBR. Though different in tone from the previous installmean in the series, Cawthon was confident that “Five Nights at Auggie's” would be just as terrifying as the previous games in the series. “When I saw the late-forties asylum look of the Science building, I loved it immediately. The peeling plaster, duct- taped windows and yellowed glass will make it a more conventional horror-game experience, of course, but I think with Auggie’s inclusion it will be just as innovative as my previous games have been,” Cawthon said. PPP expressed his excitement at the publicity. “I really think that this game will get the message out to the youth of the nation that Augsburg is a school worth coming to!” PPP said. “That young gentleman even says he’s found a way to work Auggie Eagle into the game. We get to use it as a promotional material for any visiting students, so I think that the plan right now is to give a copy out to everyone who stays overnight. That way, they’ll really have a way to see what the school is like. It'll be just like allowing every prospective student to stay overnight for five nights instead of just one — the real Augsburg experience." Cawthon explored the campus thoroughly while researching to create the game, and says that the game will feature a thorough recreation of the late-night environment on campus. “I think that the seemingly arbitrary and variable times that the doors lock will give the game an added challenge," said the creator. “In the game, you'll never be able to rely on any given door being open or locked at any particular time—just like in real life. It’s an innovation that’s even missing from many Five Nights At ‘ Auggie’sf-h 0 ' lx‘ifll "1' ;' 7 of the most popular horror games. When I saw fear in the eyes of students rushing to get inside minutes before the doors might lock, I knew I had to have this in my next game.“ Although most students on campus seemed benevolent to the idea, some people voiced their concerns about the game. “In the past, [Cawthon's] games were fun because of how real they felt," said one student who preferred to remain anonymous. “Have you ever tried getting into a building after ll p.m,? Clampcd closed tighter than my dad‘s asshole. The realism just won't be there in this game, and I can't see it going anywhere." Like it or not, the deal is set to proceed. Cawthon states that the game will be ready before the college search season really gets into full swing, “Of‘coursc, Auggie is already there for the students at Augsburgw—and if they're anything like me, he's there, haunting their dreams every night.“ Well-endowed Augsburg perpetuates PP through the arts Tingus Maningus, Augsburg Student Historical Art Para-Professional In an effort to further Augsburg’s mission, administration, in conjunction with the Art Department and Augsburg Galleries, has decided to make duplicates of the large sperm installation which currently sits on the first floor of the Lindell Library, right outside of the Tech Desk and Multi-Media Lab. The tall piece stands erect in the middle of an important juncture in Lindell. One cannot help but be confronted full- facodly by the upright floating sperm when traversing to other destinations. If one must go to the bathroom on the fust floor, they must walk past the sperm. lfone needs to go to the Tech Desk or the Multi-Media lab, one must walk past, even dodge dramatically, this large sperm. If one ventures downstairs to the basement, they must confront and walk past this sperm. I “I love our semen relic," remarked President Pat Pribbinglow (PPP) during the school's most recent All-Hands Meeting when addressing concerns of how the sperm might be replicated and placed in each of the other buildings on campus — including the fated Semenary for Science, Business and Religion. (SSBR). “It is an integral reminder of our communal vocation, it embodies our mission, and expresses Augsburg's two core values: Patriarchy and Procreation" (PP). “The intent of having the piece where it is," said Ronald Tommy in a lengthy snapchat conversation, “is to have students be reminded of Augsburg‘s PP." Tommy, whose name is on the specimen’s object label, is Augsburg's Teacher of Three Dimensional Objects, as well as the designated Care-Taker of the piece. In speaking to Augsburg’s Trained Visual Professional Kirstin Anderstone, though many students walk past the relic everyday, very few knew until recently that the sperm was real, “No one knows who it belongs to, even though some scholars here are still arguing about it," she said. Anderstone remarked, though, that we know the sperm belonged to one of the first Vikings to have landed in the Midwest. The piece of semen was found by a Lutheran farmer who happened upon a set of small hills which, in his expertise of the land, did not appear to be natural. The farmer went digging and found in the hills old Viking burial sites containing nearly- intact ships, skeletons, jewelry and the abnormally large semen, which was preserved before burial to be used as a relic. “We also know that the Vikings knew exactly what they were doing," continued Anderstone over an AOL Instant Messenger interview. “They were a prophetic people. They knew a farmer would find the semen and eventually start a semenary." After discovering the semen in l869, the farmer began the Augsburg Semenary. The building was built using the wood from the disintegrating ships, just atop the burial grounds. Meticulously placed in what appears to be a larger- than~life rectangular petri dish cozin surrounded by translucent globe-shaped egg thingies. the semen was placed on the Semenary‘s front steps. Under the presidency of Argust Weenarse, Augsburg's first president, the Seminary moved to Minneapolis in 1872, bringing with it the semen relic. For many years, the Semenary did not spawn the vast amount of subjects offered today. It only produced semen. “For what exactly," said Tommy, “we still don’t know. We can only speculate." However, after many years of struggling to develop sustainable practices for high yields of semen, and to find reasonable uses of the excessive amounts produced each year (especially by first-years, according to records), women were invited to join in 1921. “PP cannot exist without [the uterus]," remarked Anderstone. “Though they tried to avoid it for many years, the Semenary saw that [the uterus was] their best method for high yields. proper storage and certainly their most sustainable method for the second P ~ Procrcation." Thus, Augsburg's mission to ”...perpetuatc the Norwegian Lutheranian values of Patriarchy and Procrcation." “This is why we need replicates up in each building ASAP," said PPP over coffee at Einstings's. “With the growth of this long-erected institution, we need to keep these hard and fast values alive and kicking in Augsburg's daily life." When askcd how this will happen, no one was able to say for sure. “Though we know how the Vikings preserved the semen, we have no idea from whom they were able to obtain such a large singular piece," said Anderstone. “But it only seems appropriate to obtain it from our very own 7 the planning committee is currently in debate over whether or not we will collect samples from our students.” Especially with last year's implementation of an annual sperm drive. the effort should be met in good spirit. Last spring, Sperm Expert Anthony Brousscau quoted students who felt they had truly found lllt‘ll vocation 1n productng sperm (Volume CXX. Issue 18) No one but according lo PPP, the project. which IS to be complete by 201‘), Will be funded by Augsburg‘s endowment fund is sure ycl. “Because we are so well endowed," remarked l’l’l’, “this Campus can continue to maintain lht‘ PP and spawn anew" Show less
SWINE FLU Knock, knock. Page 6 CWC replaces therapy dogs with therapy spiders Jens Pinther, All Hope Brigg The Center for Wellness and Counseling (CWC), formally known as CCHP, decided to take a new approach in comforting the Augsburg community. The CWC invited 75 spiders to visit the Christensen... Show moreSWINE FLU Knock, knock. Page 6 CWC replaces therapy dogs with therapy spiders Jens Pinther, All Hope Brigg The Center for Wellness and Counseling (CWC), formally known as CCHP, decided to take a new approach in comforting the Augsburg community. The CWC invited 75 spiders to visit the Christensen Center last Wednesday. “She's all legs!“ CWC Administrative Assistant Dianne Detloff said of the nearest arachnid, allegedly named Charlotte. According to Wikipedia, spiders are the seventh most diverse species in all known organisms. “This commitment to diversity," Detloff said, “is what makes spiders the perfect choice for a campus as diverse as Augsburg’s." Among the many species of spiders brought to campus, the favorites included the Lattice Orbweaver, Red Folding Door Trapdoor and Giant Crab spiders. The Black Widow was considered, but Director of Public Safety and Risk Management Scott Brownell warned against it. “It‘s just too risky," he said. “We tend to racially profile our spiders and—wait, are you writing this down?" Although the CWC did bring in Australian favorites like the Clock Spider and the Huntsman, the Center stayed as local as possible. "We tried to focus on primarily North American species of spiders," Detloff said. “It‘s better for the earth. Shipping spiders from New Zealand can be costly both financially and environmentally." “I like it when they Crawl in my mouth," said Sean Evenson, a senior. “They taste like safety." When asked about her favorite part of the spiders, senior Lia Jacobson said, "Their hearts.” It’s not just the students who are in favor of the eight-legged companions. Director of News and Media Services Stephanie Weiss said the spiders would be great for public relations. “When I see these spiders, I just want to hear their personal narratives. They have such interesting backgrounds!" Charlotte the Wolf Spider gave Weiss her business card and said, “Click click, ftfftftfft, click.” Charlotte pointed out that bees are much more dangerous than spiders, and she felt that the stigma against PHOTO CREDIT. WWW.SClENCEDAlLY.COM spider companionship was inappropriate for the times. “Click fttftftftf click click," she said. “tht—click click [weird hum]." “Charlotte has a point," Vice President of Student Affairs Ann Garvey said. “If we are working to be more inclusive, that needs to include meeting our spiders where they’re at— the basement, the tool shed or anywhere in Luther Hall, honestly.” When asked what happened to the traditional therapy dogs, Detloff said, “That Great Dane was cute, but way too much for people. We wanted to make sure people felt safe and at ease during this trying time.” Evenson muffled something in response to Detloff, but nobody could hear him because he had a tarantula in his mouth. "I miss the dogs,” said alumnus and dog enthusiast Anthony Brousseau. “But you know what? We all need a hug from an arachnid the side of a dinner plate. Think of how many arms that is—that’s like four hugs at the same time.” The mosquitos, moths and crickets of campus declined to comment, and actually, they took the Green Line to Hamline because fuck that. Kevin Spacey deaiéred Eifhifisiidiehfef the United Nick Pell, Staff Writer In a coup dc tat that surprised the world, Kevin Spacey, who has henceforth taken the name of Francis Underwood, gained control of the White House and was declared the 45th President of the United States by Congress on March 23. The coup was a quick one as many Underwood supporters rushed the White House in overwhelming numbers. Former President Barack Obama and his family were asked to leave the White House peacefully by Underwood and, after a heavy argument, did just that, suitcases in hand. When asked why he initiated the coup, Underwood replied. “I felt that 'House of Cards' has given me the political leverage and backing necessary to launch this campaign successfully. l've heard nothing but support for this institution States since I arrived." Yet, there have been numerous reports of protests across the country, calling for Underwood’s impeachment and imprisonment. “Underwood's presidency is highly unconstitutional. He is sitting in the presidency without a single vote cast in his name. He needs to be stopped.” [n his first State of the Union address, Underwood claimed that his first course of action would be similar to that of his Character on “House of Cards," in that he would be reforming social security and trying to produce jobs for those in need. “Job security is one of the biggest problems in this country, and it needs to be fixed," said Underwood. “I believe I have a solution to do just that." While Underwood wasn‘t clear on exactly what that solution would be. he seemed to have most of the country behind him, at least in the polls. Initial reactions to his speech were positive, with roughly 80% in support of Underwood. Along with his plan on social security, Underwood also declared March 25, the day of his speech, as National Free Ice Cream Day, promising financial compensation to ice cream vendors on this day to make up for their lost profits. He also declared Match 23 as Day of the Ribs as a tribute to his “House of Cards" character. The last thing Underwood addressed in his speech was his placement on the Netflix show “House of Cards," announcing that he would be continuing as the show’s stat until its final season in 2017. “The show is something which I owe a great deal to," Underwood said. “It has projected me onto the map in recent years, and I believe it to be one of the main reasons I am in the President’s seat.” World leaders are generally supportive of the Underwood regime, seeing it as a “United States with some potential,” according to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Some in the European Union, however, see it as a “mockery of democracy,” and believe the American people should “rise up and take back their liberty," according to Britain's Prime Minister David Cameron. The coming days, weeks and months will tell much about the country’s reaction to Underwood‘s newfound power. Whether he will settle in as America's first dictator or allow the torch to pass to another in four years, the country lies in wait to see if the Francis Underwood of reality can compete productively with the Underwood of television. Upcumming Augsburg Events Monday, March 30 “Sorry About All This,” a Board of Regents Presentation All Day Suite 100 Oren Gateway Center Someday, When Pigs Fly Ground-Breaking for CSBR 7.7.7 a. m. Where the Community Garden: Art :( Wednesday, March 32 That Fucking Starbucks Vending Machine Actually Works For Once 12 a.m., when nobody is allowed in the balding Basement Christensen Center Monday, April 20 Focused Conversation: To Put It Bluntly 4:20 p. m. Marshall Room Christensen Center Auggies "Connect" with "Employers" 6 (a 9 p.m. Suite 100 Christensen Center Show less
PONY RIDES JUST KIDDING! Page 5 Board of Regents approves high house A Native Coloradoan After plans to break ground on the new CSBR came out, Augsburg Board of Regents also approved another, more realistic, building plan to complement the CSBR. The Pribbenow Smoke Den will begin construction the... Show morePONY RIDES JUST KIDDING! Page 5 Board of Regents approves high house A Native Coloradoan After plans to break ground on the new CSBR came out, Augsburg Board of Regents also approved another, more realistic, building plan to complement the CSBR. The Pribbenow Smoke Den will begin construction the very same dayasCSBR. The building is a part of Augsburg’s “Green by 2019” initiative and Pribbenow‘s Ideas for Student Success (PISS), is an effort to finally legalize marijuana in the state of Minnesota. The building will essentially be a rather large, open room with couches, chairs, video games, netflix and a whole lot of tidied posters on the walls, with separate study rooms for those who like to medicate before they study. It will also have retractable sunroofs to avoid “getting too tumt," said one board member. The “Green by 2019” initiative was originally meant to reduce the college’s overall carbon footprint. but the “green” part has expanded to so much more than that. The building will be named in honor of current Augsburg president, Paul Pnbbenow, who heads the effort to complete the project. “I‘m honored to have a building named after me on this great campus,” Pribbenow said. “We ‘bout [sic] to turn up. bro." Augsburg College Department of Public Safety confiscates over half a pound of marijuana each school year (that is actually true), with most individual cases coming in amounts less than two grants, so embracing the idea and having a designated smoking area may just be a good idea. The college will also implement new major programs to help with the expenses faced by the CSBR and the Pribbenow Smoke Den. Marijuana studies will be available as a declared major after the two have been completed. The program will consist of growing, caring for and using marijuana in multiple ways. The CSBR will actually feature a greenhouse where as many as 200 marijuana plants will be grown by students at one time. The program will take students through the process of making edible marijuana candies, brownies, cookies and much more. At this point, pretty much everything goes. The board said they are not worried about the possibility that the plant will not be legalized by the completion date in 2019. They say their biggest concern at this point is finding qualified professors to come to Minnesota from Colorado and Washington that have prior arrest records pertaining to marijuana. There will be required business classes involved in the major program as well. Those classes will involve both legal and other methods of entrepreneurship. The science courses attached to the major will be a wide range of biology, chemistry, botany and other classes. The part students should be excited about is the fact that Einstein's and Nabo will offer edibles and plant marijuana at a discounted rate. As a native v ,F" fl «All Coloradoan (which is also true). I can personally attest to the amount of money the school and generate from this great idea. President Pribbenow finally outdid himself with this one. It”) Ernesshlall residents to be locked out For inder ot the academic year the rema Del M. LoéagisLFe-atures This year. as well as in a number of years past. Urness Hall residents were locked out of the building (Urness) for the Thanksgiving, winter and spring breaks. FirstShow less
LLAMAS There's a serious one on this page. Page 4 Augsburg to ban the use of restrooms on campus Del M. Logeais, Features Editor There has been a lot of controversy surrounding restrooms, their intended users, and their placement (or the lack thereof) on Augsburg’s campus the past couple of... Show moreLLAMAS There's a serious one on this page. Page 4 Augsburg to ban the use of restrooms on campus Del M. Logeais, Features Editor There has been a lot of controversy surrounding restrooms, their intended users, and their placement (or the lack thereof) on Augsburg’s campus the past couple of months and beyond Now, Augsburg administration is teaming up with Residence Life in order to officially ban the use of restrooms on campus in order to promote the safety of all students and faculty. It was just this past semester that gender-neutral bathrooms were installed in every building on campus, save Urness Hall, where most first—year students reside Some of these gender- neutral bathrooms, designated for individuals of any gender identity or the lack thereof, and equipped with individual stalls, were littered with signs, posted by the dean of students, that read as follows: “This restroom is appropriate for individual use. Please lock the door behind you.” The signs, not suggesting but instead demanding individuals to lock the restroom doors, in part imply that transgender/ non-binary individuals are too dangerous or hypersexual to use the restroom alongside cis-folks, and thus they should be isolated. The signs may as well have read as follows: “Cisarndividuals beware. A We found Waldo, buiwhere's Putin? Abby Tetzluff, Staff Writer Vladimir Putin, president of the Russian Federation, also known as the instigator of the Crimea Crisis occurring earlier in the year, is missing He hasn't been seen in Moscow or visiting another leader. He's not riding bears shirtless, not diving for museum pottery, nada. And no one is talking. None of his staff or upper officials commented on his whereabouts. Putin cancelled meetings within his own government and diplomats other states with no explanation. The Russian people have reacted to their missing statesman in numerous ways. from Many blasted the rumors and gossip through social media such as Twitter with transgender or non-binary person might be lurking in this bathroom, waiting and absolutely intending to prey on or sexually assault you." At the same time, however, it is absolutely valid, for example, if a female identified cis-person to feel discomfort if a male identified cis-person were to enter the restroom space alongside her. It is for these reasons that Residence Life and Augsburg administration are taking action. “You can't please anybody around here! Trans and non- binary individuals are always pouting, and constantly whining for safe places to use the restroom, visibility, inclusivity, yada, yada,” said one Residence Life staff member. “So we throw them a bone. We give them a restroom in most every building. A whole restroom! Very generous on our behalf. The dean puts a silly sign on the door, and now they’re worked up again. It‘s ludicrous. What do they think Augsburg stands for? Representation and equality? Safety and comfort? Ridiculous." “Something had to be done. We knew that,” added an Augsburg administrator. “We couldn’t keep up with making sure every student and faculty member felt comfortable, so we're choosing to give up hashtags like #putinisdead, or #putinmissing to try to shed light on the subject. Some theorists believe that he is being cured of cancer, but everyone knows Putin is a germaphobe and health addict. Some say he is in the Swiss Alps with his girlfriend as she delivers their baby. This is possible, but unlikely. Putin as a father? Yikes. Others who are more politically driven suggest Putin was quietly attacked by a coup. A quiet coup, you say? There has been so such thing. Is he visiting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Uri? He too has disappeared without a trace several times in recent years. The two could be playing hookie from their respective governments to watch movies censored to their collective general public. It seems like instead. No more restrooms. Period. It’s better this way." Some concern has been expressed by students aware of the impending change, as some of them spend as many as 24 hours a day on campus, and feel the desire to use the restroom as often as every four hours. “I am a cis-gender woman, and not only do I study here. I live here. For Augsburg to I completely neglect my inherent bodily function as a human being. . . for them to refuse me a space to use the restroom: It’s sick. I feel overwhelmingly invalidated," remarked one second-year student. “I’ve stopped eating Taco Bell in preparation. I have plans to walk a whole block to use a restroom suited for me, a cis-male. It’s torture," claimed another student. “I find the completely hilarious," added an anonymous genderqueer identified first-year. “The whole fucking Western world is in a rut. Transgender and non-binary folks are not being provided for. I knew that, and I come to Augsburg and expect it to be different, and it’s just not. I used to have to ride the elevator eighteen flights in order to pee someplace I felt safe. And that is , something that Augsburg needs ‘ to deal with— something they ; need to face and fix. Instead i they're just shutting down, I Putin's ideal image of time off is wrestling some wild animal, so it’s doubtful that he has the patience to sit through a single Hollywood movie, let alone a marathon of them. With all other possibilities accounted for, this leaves only one reasonable answer that has enough evidence to stand up: Putin has gone into the closet. The closet is a very dark place, which makes sense because there are no windows. No wonder Putin‘s staff couldn't find him. Being a former KGB official, he probably knows all the good hiding spots behind the Russian-made wool parkas and babushkas with expert precision. Hell, if he can swim with sharks and cuddle a tiger, his powers of invisibility must have kicked in somewhere during situation i guess. Avoiding the real issue here. Pretty fucking typical.” “I will say, however, I am very much enjoying hearing all these cis-individuals bitch and moan about not having a place to use the restroom. It’s like “welcome to our world." It’s something I've lived with everyday for years. Suddenly they have to deal with the same situation, and you'd think it was dawn of the next ice age. I guess it's easy for them to forget,” they added. THIS STUDY ABROAD? STUDY AWAY in the USA? How about... STUDY OUT OF WORLD? MOON SEMESTER Questions? Contact Augsburg Abroad. located in the basement of Christensen middle age. Putin is probably so damn good at hiding, that after his staff gave up looking for him during a game of hide- and-seek around the Kremlin, they just left him, assuming he’d reappear within the hour. Putin, with his training and knowledge of military practices, must have sat in that musty, dark portal. Perhaps he gained some perspective toward the experience of how the people he imprisoned felt. Just kidding, probably not. However, is there a more euphemistic meaning to Putin‘s retreat to the closet? Is Putin trying to tell his country something? Is he silently screaming for liberation? How perfectly ironic to have the world leader in anti-gay propaganda hiding in a closet. How about that for a gay agenda? However, even with this most accurate and up-to- date information, there are few clues as to exactly how or why Putin is in a closet at the Kremlin. Many point to coded and not-so-coded interviews posted on Youtube. They are even so direct, that simply typing “Putin,” into the search bar, automatic answers appear stating “I am gay." The authenticity of these videos is undeniably credible, but when will he tell the world? For Russia and the rest of civilization, we must wait somewhat patiently for answers. We must wait for Putin to oome out of the closet and explain himself. Show less
FLEA FARM Aren't we funny? Page 3 Eat processed foods: they’re god for Blair Stawig, High Frudose Corn Syrup This past week at Augsburg, a famous speaker by me name of Jonathan Bucklewitz spoke on the health and nutrition for college students. This highly accredited man has spoken at Harvard and... Show moreFLEA FARM Aren't we funny? Page 3 Eat processed foods: they’re god for Blair Stawig, High Frudose Corn Syrup This past week at Augsburg, a famous speaker by me name of Jonathan Bucklewitz spoke on the health and nutrition for college students. This highly accredited man has spoken at Harvard and Yale, and he conduCts his world-renowned research in Johns Hopkins finest facilities. This man has had over 43,000 papers published in scientific journals and is well sought after as a personal nutritionist. He is most famous for his recent work researching processed and unprocessed foods. His discovery will change your life and change the world. He looked at how the body breaks down both raw and heavily processed foods by looking at how the body will respond when fed each of these different types of foods. He found that, afier numerous years of research, processed foods are actually better for yourbody. Bucklewitz explained his theory by stating, “processed foods are easier for the body to break down. This gives one’s body the ability to consume more food and, thus, more energy in one sitting and, in turn, a full day. Why would one not want to fuel their body with more energy." When asked about his thoughts on unprocessed and whole foods, he simply said, “Raw foods require much more energy to break down and therefore force your body to become energy deficient. Why would one want to be tired all the time from not eating enough prooessedfoods?” Many are concerned that his theory is not plausible. But the research and the results just make sense. When he spoke to Augsburg student athletes, be emphasized the importance of eating fast food the night before and the day of competitions. “It’s important that you fuel your body correctly,” Bucklewitz said. “The more calories you eat and the more processed that fuel is, the more equipped you are to perform at your fullest potential." The trainers loved this advice! Processed foods are much cheaper than unprocessed foods; this means that they will be able to actually supply sports teams with the adequate foods to refuel their athletes. Thus, athletes can look forward to Mountain Dew. The famous “Dirty Polar Bear" Frap from Einstein’s will be the new popular beverage. For food, they can look forward to lots of potato chips and more fast food from Taco Bell and McDonalds. Bucklewitz did not only address the importance of heavily processed foods for the athletes but the entire student body. He was appalled at the cafeteria and the food provided by A’viands. They ofiered way too many vegetable choices, which were badly cooked in the first place. He simply thinks that Augsburg needs to have higher calorie choices as well as high quality choices of these processed foods to further entice the students to eat them. He did emphasize two , .. ' \ \ ‘ I t, i ‘ is. " 1 ‘ ou! f...» PHOTO CREDIT' OHNOTHEYDIDNT LIVFJOURNAL COM main points of good nutrition for a college student. For example, water should never be consumed because it is so low in calories. One does not maximize their caloric intake by consuming something with no calories. Not only that, but the hydration water gives you is nothing compared to that of Mountain Dew and other high calorie beverages that contain not only water but many other enhancing ingredients. His next point was that we should avoid fruits and vegetables that are low in calories at all costs. They do not supply enough calories for the amount of micronutrients that you gain from these foods. Instead, you should consume as many high calorie foods as possible and take supplements in order to get the amount of nutrients that one needs. Why would one want to take up stomach space with meaningless foods like fruits and vegetables? This speaker made many very good points and has forced change to occur at Augsburg and around the world. This man is really making history and changing how we look at nutrition and food intake for the better. Top 5 character guys your team MUST sign in free agency Aaron Hernandez's biggest fan With free agency looming in the NFL, and with the media attention the NFL has gotten in the past year for all the class- act men in the league, here is a look at the top 5 players your team should be trying to sign as both on-field performers and off-field role models. Criteria for this list are fairly simple. First, the player must be a free agent, obviously. Second, they must have been fined and/ or suspended by the league at some point for their incredible acts of humility and kindness. That‘s all it takes. 5. Bernard Pierce Former Ravens running back and current Jaguar, Bernard Pierce was released by the team after being arrested on March 18 for DUI and speeding in a Baltimore suburb. Pierce was picked up off waivers by Jacksonville, proving again that the NFL only employs upstanding citizens. The best part of Pierce's story is the fact that he told police before being arrested that he was worried the Ravens were going to cut him. No one can be certain, but one would venture to guess he would still be a Raven had he just called a cab that night. 4. John Boyett You probably haven’t ever heard his name unless you are a die-hard NFL fan, but former Broncos safety John Boyett is best. and only, known for his character. The 25-year- old former 6-round draft pick by the Colts has a colorful history of run-ins with law enforcement. On Oct. 22, 2014, Boyett was arrested in a Denver suburb after reportedly punching and head-butting a cab driver, stealing a shovel from a construction site, and trying to hide from police by covering himself in mulch. He urged police to call his boss, hall of famcr and Broncos General Manager, John Elway. Elway released Boyett before he could post bail the following day. This wasn‘t Boyett's first act of humility. About a year prior, while a member of the Colts, Boyett was arrested in an Indianapolis bar for refusing to leave after being kicked out. He again told police they couldn't arrest him because he played for the Colts. He is certainly someone you want on your practice squad. Hell, I say give him big money and move him to the active roster. 3. Terrence Cody Terrence “Mount” Cody is another player to watch out for this offseason. The former second-round pick of the Baltimore Ravens reminded us a little bit of Michael Vick when he was indicted for animal cruelty and two counts of misdemeanor drug charges on Feb. 2. He currently faces 15 counts and 2 felony charges for having possession of an illegal alligator. The felony charges come from the death of one of his dogs, in which an investigation is still ongoing. This is great publicity for a 360-pound, unproductive, out of shape player like Mount Cody who is hoping for a chance with another team. It's going to be difficult to go on free agent visits from a cell. 2. Greg Hardy “The Kraken” comes in at number two on our list for his brilliant act of honor last offseason. The former Panther and current Cowboy was arrested on two misdemeanor charges of domestic violence after he allegedly assaulted and threatened his now ex- girlfriend. The girlfriend said Hardy dragged her into a bedroom and threw her on a pile of shotguns and assault rifles he said were loaded. The part that makes this case really interesting is that Hardy denies anything happened that night. As his story goes, he never laid a hand on the woman, but they did have a heated argument. He was found guilty in both counts, but charges were dropped. He was arguably the best available player in free agency this season. He only played in one game last season after being placed on the commissioner's exempt list, which is the same thing that happened to honorable mention Adrian Peterson. He was signed to a one-year. non- guaranteed contract with the Cowboys a few weeks ago. THIS is viewed as a "short leash" deal. meaning he could be done if he steps out ofline again. Whether he did it or not is questionable, but someone who nicknames himself after a sea monster might not be the most honest of company, either. 1. Tim chow lfthere is anyone who should be signed strictly on Character alone, it's the man formerly known as “Denver Jesus." Tebow hasn't played football Since being cut by the Patriots before the 20l3 regular season began, but has rcponedly been working with Tom Brady's throwing coach to try to make a comeback. He even had a workout with the Eagles last week, so a deal could be coming for chow. One thing is for sure, if your team signs one of the other guys on the list. you better hope they nab chow as well to help It'ch things out in the "character" department Show less
DIRTY GOATS Still a joke. Page 2 Administration supports students! Riley Hunter, Shared Governance Enthusiast Augsburg‘s leadership shocked the campus in an A-mail posting last week which announced it would take immediate action to support students, beginning with a series of drastic changes. The... Show moreDIRTY GOATS Still a joke. Page 2 Administration supports students! Riley Hunter, Shared Governance Enthusiast Augsburg‘s leadership shocked the campus in an A-mail posting last week which announced it would take immediate action to support students, beginning with a series of drastic changes. The new policies, led by President Paul Pribbenow, were inspired by the initiative known as Pribbenow’s Ideas for Student Success (PISS), which compiled ways the administration can support its largest constituency. Suggestions to be implemented include hiring 50 Mike Grewes, recruiting more attractive people and legalizing marijuana on campus. The initiative is a follow—up to the Sharing, Helping, Integrating in Technology (SHIT) action plan from past year. “SHIT and PISS have been critical to Augsburg’s progress," said an anonymous source. PISS called on community members to submit ideas online, which were later transcribed onto sticky notes at a luncheon scheduled during class time. “We’re more comfortable talking about student success when there are literally no students in the room," said Dean of Students Sarah Griesse. “It's consistent with our mission of being small help to our students.” The initiative began with a clerical error, according to the president's office. “Beth is new here, and she ordered too many sticky notes — an order of magnitude too many,” said Pribbenow. “I sat in my spacious office and thought, ‘what am I going to do with all these goddamn sticky notes. " “Though, come to think of it, their weak adhesive symbolizes our anemic commitment to the project,” Pribbenow added. PISS’ initial 500 idea goal seemed daunting according to staff members. “We weren’t sure if we could gather 5,000 ideas,” said one participant, “but as things got off the ground, the goal of 50,000 ideas seemed more feasible...the project finally gave all the deans something to do.” Sources report that the college’s dozens of underworked, cozily employed deans were ecstatic when given the task of coming up with 500,000 ideas. At last count, the online form had collected nearly 5 million ideas, according to Google. The number of ideas chosen Campus to adjust demand some Kgdrlikt Qqntribuftori As the spring term approaches its close, campus authorities have decided to announce a shocking change: For the first time, building hours will be adjusted to match student demand. When asked what prompted this landmark decision, one official stated they were “constantly being hounded by students requesting that the buildings be open when they ACTUALLY needed them, or something silly like that, and finally I decided that I‘d had enough." Starting with the 2015 fall term. several key campus buildings will have new hours of operation to fit as many students‘ schedules as possible, while also keeping the costs of operation as low as possible. The Lindell Library will face some of the most dramatic adjustments After carefully tracking the busiest hours of the day based on student visits, and checking the numbers against the cost of student and faculty ". . . lukewarm by the Provost was intended to demonstrate dedication to the task, and was not in any way arbitrary “I said to Karen [Kaivola], ‘what’s the biggest number you can think of?” Pribbenow explained. “And look at us now: our idea-to- student ratio of l,250:1 is the best among ACT C schoo ." Previous movements for change on campus were not as well received. These include last year‘s presentation of the 95 Theses, a collection of student concerns coordinated by the Augsburg Day Student Government. Student advocates delivered the near- 100 concerns in person, and many demonstrated outside Pribbenow’s door to protest the lack of change. “Theses, not fecesl” shouted student government members, hurling fecal matter as a symbol. Augsburg’s leaders are intent on carrying out the suggestions this time. “Our students will be smoking hot, and just in time for our sesquicentennial year” said Ann Garvey Vice President of Student Affairs. The admissions department plans to refocus recruiting efforts by tabling at beauty pageants and modeling building now have fob access, shutting down at 9 pm. every night, and restarting every morning at 8 am. When asked what residents would do if they supper will be available from 4 H p.m—é p.m. employment, officials have settled on the hours they feel will best serve the campus. The library will be open Mondays through Fridays from 3 p.m.—8 p.m., will be closed entirely on Saturdays, and will be open from 12 a.m.—3 am. Sunday mornings. The residence halls on Campus remain operational at the same times for the most part, barring Urness and Mortensen, which will were to be locked out of their respective halls, officials replied that “maybe somebody will finally put all those chairs in the Um-Mort Lobby to good use." Christensen Center will have its hours adjusted to match those of Urness and Mortensen. Additionally, the cafeteria in the Commons will adjust meal availability times. Hot breakfast will be open from 8 a.m.—9:30 a.m., hot lunch will be available from 12:30 p.m.—l agencies. “Increasing the attractiveness of the student body is critical to hit our retention targets,” said Vice President of Enrollment William Mullen. Administration even promised to improve communication channels for important decisions concerning the student body. An email titled “Studetn Concerhs are Takeh Srsly” [sic] was sent Out to staff and faculty, and the cabinet has agreed that messenger ravens will replace email as the official form of communication. “‘Dark wings, dark words,’ as they say in Westeros,” said film professor Wes Ellenwood. “I sure hope this all turns out better than the Red Wedding did for the Starks.” Augsburg’s Bored of Regents weighed in on the results of the recent diversity and inclusion study conducted by an outside consulting firm. “Students value including people of color in authority positions, and that's great,” said Bored Chair Paul Mueller. However, he discussed the need to maintain the almost exclusively white, wealthy, Lutheran group’s homogeneity. “It allows us to blend in with the snow 6 months out of the year, in case a student looks up from Trivia Crack long enough to question our Lowest YearlyTM tuition increase.” The suggestion to hire 50 Mike Grewes has gained traction with Human Resources, which began a wide search for candidates closely resembling the CAO co- director in skill set, appearance and personality. “We’ve made some cuts,” acknowledged HR Manager Lisa Stock, "but we're optimistic that hiring 50 Mike Grewes will solve most, if not all of the problems on campus.” The biology department had even considered cloning Grewe, though that may have to wait until the CSBR is completed in 2316. The legalization of marijuana on campus was another change that took many by surprise. As a dank haze rolled across the quad visible from the president’s office, Pribbenow noted how the initiative fits into Augsburg’s greater strategy, namely the Strategic Vision’s mandate to be ‘Green by 2019.‘ “I have high hopes for these joint efforts," Pribbenow said, lighting up and reclining behind his desk. “They’ll bring many benefits all rolled up into one, and that’s putting it bluntly." hours for student pm. and lukewarm supper will be available from 4 p.m—6 pm. During these hours, the cafeteria will be staffed much as it is currently is. However, officials reassured us that between these hours students would still be able to access food, though there will be no employees staffed during these times, there will be a large, unsupervised bowl of lettuce on one of the tables, along with a tray of stale Rice Krispie bars. Sverdrup Hall will not have any changes in building hours, but several areas within Sverdrup will have changes in availability. The Financial Aid offices/ Enrollment Center will be open during chapel time and from 1-p.m.—l:45 pm. on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, will be closed on Thursdays, and will be open from 7 a.m.—8 am. and from 3 p.m.—3:15 pm. on Fridays. Additionally, the Honors Lounge on the second floor of Sverdrup, which is currently open for the same hours as the building as a whole, will have its hours adjusted. Officials say that they have heard particularly often from Honors students regarding the delightful tendency to be kicked out by officers from the Department of Public Safety, and that has also motivated their decisions regarding the Lounge’s hours. In the future, it will be open from 9 a.m.—12 pm. and from 5 p.m.—6 pm, with DPS officers clearing the lounge of students every thirty minutes. When asked what students in his Liberating Letters course would do about their exams, which are hosted in the Honors Lounge, Professor Bob Graven simply replied, “Good luck" Show less
ETYPO 'llre Augsburg College Student Nudespaper Friday, March 27, 2015 Notice today is near April Fool’s. You guessed it. It’s the joke issue. Seriously, calm down. BREAKING: Jens Pinther, Smu Bastard President Paul Pribbenow (PPP) cannot tie a bow tie to save his life according to Leif Anderson,... Show moreETYPO 'llre Augsburg College Student Nudespaper Friday, March 27, 2015 Notice today is near April Fool’s. You guessed it. It’s the joke issue. Seriously, calm down. BREAKING: Jens Pinther, Smu Bastard President Paul Pribbenow (PPP) cannot tie a bow tie to save his life according to Leif Anderson, Chief Information Officer. “I work with him a lot, as you can guess," Anderson said, “and I just felt the community should know—Pribbenow can't tie a bow tie, and everything you know is a lie." There had been plans for Bill Nye the Science Guy and PPP to have a bow-tie-tying contest when Nye was visiting campus over Valentine’s Day weekend, President Pribbenow only wears clip-on bow ties but PPP abruptly canceled the event. “I had heard he was weeping over the model of the CSBR in Oren Gateway as he often does, but maybe he just didn‘t want to confess he only wears clip-on ties," said a close source who wished to remain anonymous. Not everyone on campus is distraught and confused, however. “I felt a tension—a rivalry—my whole tenure at Augsburg, and now I know I’ve won," said the ever handsome Jens Pinther, founder of #BowTieTuesday, who by the way has great hair and sensitive poet brown eyes. “You think you know someone," said Abigail Pribbenow, "and then you realize things...aren't always as they seem." PPP is expected to formally declare an indefinite leave of absence early next week, with much protest from the Board of Regents, “We are wealthy and don't represent the Augsburg student body!" the entirety of the Board of Regents added, in unison. When approached for comment, PPP was humble and apologetic. “It all happened BobiGroven to bereploced an exposé on ’Grovengote’ Abb Telzlaff, Staff Writer Last week Bob Groven formally announced that he was stepping down from his position as Honors Program Director at the end of this year. If you've seen “The Big Show," which occurs once a year (thankfully) during Honors Weekend, you know Groven. He’s the one pretending to be Conan O'Brien, or for those fortunate enough to see this year‘s performance, Stephen Colbert in an imitation of “The Colbert Report.” Of course, Prof, Groven will still teach honors and communication courses about the campus (he just won’t leave that easily), but his chosen successor in the honorable position of the Honors Director is quite the quandary. It seems that Groven, in some form of egotistical confusion, chose himself as his own successor. Groven elected a fictional first year named “Andrew Jewell" as the next Honors director. From first-hand glances at the paperwork, “Andrew” seemed very real. A stellar GPA, an Honors student (of course), and all the qualifications that are required for the job (few). Interviewers commented that the there was an uncanny resemblance between this “Andrew,” and the professor, Even his personality and mannerisms were similar, if not the identical to those of Groven's. This leaves the question: What exactly does Groven think he‘s doing? Theorists about the Augsburg campus state that “Andrew Jewell" is his true legal name. Some say he is the victim of identity theft. Others suggest that "Andrew" is Groven’s identical good twin who has finally gotten his slightly older, yet more malignant brother under control. Administrators and PPP refused to cement when asked about this strange phenomenon, setting themselves apart from the operations of the Honor‘s program. So what is next for Augsburg’s Honors program? Some speculate that this incident shows Groven‘s first eleven years as Honors Program Director were only just the beginning of his reign. Within the program in the next few years under the gaze of “Andrew,” it is predicted that students will see formal decrees being sent out, and maybe even a five—year plan (or two). These decrees will require more residency requirements, boosting the honor’s class load from 7 upwards to around 10- 12. If "Andrew's" power goes on too long unchecked, it is likely that it be mandatory for all Honors students to sport plaid within the next year. What is Groven's plan in this strange occurrence? And if "Andrew" is not Bob. then what does he have in store for the Honors Program? ls anything or anyone safe from this stranger? Staffers ailectitinatel)' call their project “Grovengatc,” and are working bravely against the ever-present threat of “strikes” (demerits that one receives in the Program) to keep the students aware and safe from the coming tides of nepotism. With little over a month left of the semester and Groven’s transition period soon approaching, it seems there will be much change in the coming so fast," PPP said. “I want to apologize to this campus. I have not been living out my vocation, and you deserve better. While I am on my leave, I will watch Jens' bow tie~tying tutorial on YouTube as many times as it takes for me to learn—once and for all—how to tie a bow you all deserve." When asked if he is mad at Anderson for exposing his secrets, PPP was quick to say no. “We need whistleblowcrs like Anderson." PPP said. “And although that information was Top Secret, we need to hold our administration responsible. He's like the Snowden or Ellsbcrg of our campus, and we should celebrate him, or outcast him to Rumia—either way is fine by me tbh." With over 1.2 million impressions on Twitter so far, the hashtag #PPPcanNOTknot has been exploding on social media. The scandal has even been tweeted about by Bill Nye (m thescienccguy) himself. The tweet read. "It‘s probably the Lutheran background. A sctentist would have tested that shit. #PPPcanNOTknot." by...Bob Groven? fall semester for the Honors stafi" and students. Without the protection of the graduating honor’s desk workers, there is more concern for Honors students' safety than ever before. Show less
12:33:38 The Back Page Minneapolis, Minnemm Friday, April 13. 2012 ToplO Things I’ve Actually Heard on This Campus... 10. Wait, I have to take a gym class? 9. Something about Fixies, PBR, and cameras 8. There aren’t enough places to smoke around here. 7. I can’t wait for Case Day bro! 6. I have... Show more12:33:38 The Back Page Minneapolis, Minnemm Friday, April 13. 2012 ToplO Things I’ve Actually Heard on This Campus... 10. Wait, I have to take a gym class? 9. Something about Fixies, PBR, and cameras 8. There aren’t enough places to smoke around here. 7. I can’t wait for Case Day bro! 6. I have Skrillex’s phone number. 5. But OGC is so far away... 4. Girls on this campus are way too educated. 3. He’s like super into social activ- ism... so hot! LIA IACOBSON Favorite Band is Styx | l Nickleback |”l Islll 2. Why do we have class on 4/20? _- — E — 7 '—l — It’s a holiday. l l §__ _ m 8 l. I was so drunk! u I I l l I l I I _ _ — in] l l 13 DH [IF : : F‘l I 15 I j : . _ u __ | I I _ L_ | | l l J _ _ _ Pal I l I | : Across —elback — tip—“song WWW HQRQSCQPBS Aries Gemini Mar 21-Apr 19 May21-Iune 20 Though some would sayyou’re This horoscope has always cool, most would say you suck been about David Iones. Cancer lune 21-Iu122 Taurus Apr 207 May 20 OKCupid is just sad... and creepy. Bell will kill you. Think outside the bun. Taco 4, Nickelback‘s original band name (2 words) 5. Toured with _ in 2008 7. Nickelback sucks 10. Trivia: Kroeger was arrested in 2006 for a) a DWl. or b) a DUI I 1. Hands hometown 12. Nickelback country oforigin 14. Latest album 16. Nobody actually likes Nick- Leo luly 23- Aug 22 Your life is hell enough. No need to pile on a shitty horo— sc0pe. Virgo Aug 23- Sep 22 Stop poking people. It got weird. ‘ Libra Sep 23 — Oct 22 One is the loneliest number, yet you always seem to make it work l7. Described Nickelback’s music as all about “strippers, sex, prosti- tutes, drugs, sex” 18. 2008 album (2 words) Down . 1. Award presented in November 2006 2. “And this is where I grew up/ I think the present owner fixed it Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 In a failed attempt at love, you will leave with only ST D5 and shame. Sagittarius Nov 22— Dec 21 We get it, you’re busy. SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. 3. Frontman Kroeger 6. Voted Nickelback as "a musical tumofi" 7, Nickelback’s musical genre 8, 1st recorded demo 9. Current drummer Daniel 13, No one likes Nickelback 15, “leveryone Cared" Capricorn Dec 22- Ian 19 Maybe if u were pants, you wouldn’t so cold Aquarius Ian 20-Feb 18 We don’t want to know what “good to the last drop” means to you. Pick another essay topic. Show less
Friday, ril 13, 2012 "3 Minnsota Page 7 Variety 3Disthebestflling Augsburg sells in the flicking world Knuran Wnsou Beers-lob One thing that has always frustrated me about Hollywood is the way it clings to the outdated ideas of artistic integrity and cre- ativity as opposed to capitalizing on the... Show moreFriday, ril 13, 2012 "3 Minnsota Page 7 Variety 3Disthebestflling Augsburg sells in the flicking world Knuran Wnsou Beers-lob One thing that has always frustrated me about Hollywood is the way it clings to the outdated ideas of artistic integrity and cre- ativity as opposed to capitalizing on the easiest ways to sell tickes to the easily satisfied American public. Writers, producers and directors waste so much time and energy attempting to produce something revolutionary and origi- nal that they completely miss out on the painfirlly obvious fact that all you need is some kind of flashy gimmick and the population will be clamoring for tickets. Yet naive filmmakers condnue to struggle tocreatefilms ofartistic relevance, stubbome ignoring the blatant cues from their audience that, as a culture, we are simply not interested. We have moved past the old-fashioned conventions that defined cinema of the past and it is about damn time Hollywood figured that out! Yet the conflict between artistic relevance and monetary profit remains, leav- ing filmmakers discouraged and confused with how to succeed in winning over a mass audience in our media-saturated day and age. My solution? Re-release ev- ery mildly successful film from the last 30 years in dazzling, eye- popping 3-D. . In the last few years Holly- wood has hesitantly experimented with 3-D technology, releasing a handful of carefully selected films in 3-D. Despite the fact that, due to modern advances, creating 3—D films has become much easier and less expensive, Hollywood has approached this potential cash-grabbing opportunity with a painful level of restraint. Recently we have seen 3—D rte—releases of George Lucas‘s Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and James Cameron’s Titanic. But why stop there? Box office numbers are proving that audiences want nothing more than to shell out. 15 to 20 dollars (because when a film is shown in 3-D it only makes sense that the ticket be twice as expensive) to go to a theatre and see a film they have already seen. Based on this proven fact it only makes sense that any studio looking to make money would take this information and run with it! I’m sure Universal Studios could get Steven Speilberg involved and we could finally see Schindler's List the way it was always meant to be seen - in dazzling digital 3-D. I can see the reviews now v “With Schindlerk List 3-D Spiel- berg creates a film that touches your heart and blows out your eye- balls! An uplifiing, eye-popping masterpiece!” People would swarm to pur» chase tickets, making the film (once again) an overwhelming success, and it wouldn't stop there! Imagine how many movies could be greatly improved by this simple addition, The romance of Gone With the Wind, the horror of Psycho, the touching nuance of The Spirit of (he Beehive, and the racial tension of Do the Right Thing would all be that much more compelling in digital 3»D, Gone would be the days when films had to rely on intelligent plot development, compelling charac- ters and beautiful cinematography to be effective and successfiJI. In place ofthose irritatineg difficult subtleties, filmmakers would merely have to focus on compet- ing with each other to create the most gratuitous spectacle and we, the audience, would be able to contentedly vegetate in the com- fortable seats of the theatre, with our glazed eyes hidden behind the tinted shades of our 3-D glasses. XXXXX Write it on the LIBIDO Jiritt‘l-d aha.- Chilly Billy’s DlhlVTDIx 1;...“ - .1; mi. .1th v L'tmn’a‘xdn 1m:- mans-427s souls to reality TV Kacrn Luccnrm Fazmres Editor Augsburg College has become the center of the TV universe in the last month in a recent initiative to gain more money for the college. “We're hoping that by becoming famous people will want to go to school here," said President Paul Pribbenow. Though the means by which Augsburg has been asked to be a part of these shows remains a mys- tery, the President assures Libido reporters it was “slightly legal.“ To aid in the search for money, the Libido will be publishing a synopsis of the upcoming shows. The West Bank Premiering this week is the long awaited and anticipated new MTV original The West Bank. A spin oil" of The Jersey Shore, The West Bank follows the lives of students at Augsburg College. The previews have started a string of comments and questions on MTV‘s website but the general feeling is excitement, said an un- named and imaginary producer of the show. “We picked an eclectic group of students," he said. “Blah Blah Blah. Moneyzzzz." The main character, John. is a senior football player at Augsburg and the classic example of the college student. John is only seen beyond a state ofdrunkcnness and normally nude. If he is dressed, he is only in his football gear re- minding all young freshman who he really is. John can also be seen skipping class. failing class. and playing with a Frisbee shirtless in Murphy Park. His never failing sidekick, Adam. is also a douche. And though he and John are in a so called “bro-mance“ they ofien are heard yelling “no homo" to remind everyone of their non-romantic relationship. The main female character, Sarah, is a junior majoring in communication with a minor in binge drinking and promiscuous sex. She runs the “party scene" at the college which involves random house’s named for sports that suck and apartments that are falling down. Sarah‘s biggest rival is Ash- ley, a freshman at Augsburg major- ing in International Relations with a minor in cheap booze and being a selfproclaimed “Daddy's Girl.“ Sarah and Ashley can be seen screaming slut and whore at each other at almost any social event. John, Adam, Sarah, Ashley. and all the other students involved hope to gain notoriety and drop out of school or at least get a sports scholarship to a school with decent sports. The West Bank premieres next Friday on MTV. Dancing With The Stars ABC’s Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) swept in major ratings all over the United States. however. the ratings missed the mark in the Midwest. ABC's big producer thingy- mabob said. "We need to find a way to relate to the Midwest so we are introducing a new series ofDWTS that will feature local celebrities." DWTS was proud to announce that Augsburg College will be the first college to appear on the show. The professors dancing for their fame include Cass Dalglrsh, Larry Crockett. Robert Tom, Rob: ert Cowgill. Bob Groven. John Schmit and Phil Quanbeck. “I think the show will spark some friendly competition be» tween the faculty. Maybe then they can stop hating the adminis- tration," said Dean of the College Barbara Farley with an evil cackle. “All I know is the English Department is gonna kick some ass,” said Cass Dalglish. Although, Quanbeck highly disagrees. “English... really? Come on, Martin Luther was a dancer before he started nailing shit to doors." The show will go week to week through different dance styles including salsa. foxtrot, and mambo however, this year they will also be adding a Hip Hop section. “Oh I'm not worried about grinding." Crockett said, “I in— vented grinding." DWTSwill air May I on ABC. Augsburg’s Got Talent Maybe the most desperate of Augsburg's attempt at fame will be Augsburg .‘v Gal Talent. The show will mirror American Idol in its attempts to display the talents of students; week by week students will slowly be killed off. “If you’re not talented, you must die,“ said Barbara Farley. Head Witch ofAugsburg. Augsburg is trying to spike ratings by finding some of the most unique and talented students at Augsburg. Andrew Fox, senior. will be competing with his impersonations offamous people such as Buddha. He also plans to speak Latin while playing the bagpipes andjuggling knives. Nathan Johnson. senior, plans on showing lllS wide collection of shon shorts. "I know how this gig works," he said. “Sleep with the judges and you “in.” Thejudges V\ ill include Kath- ryn Swanson, Phil Adamo and Jessica Ennis. Oliver Dyksira, junior. will be showing his protesting skills and general angst towards society. Alex Bchms, sophomore. will be drawing maps and hanging up pictures ot'lolin (‘usack Becca Andersen, junior, Will be showing her talent for editing shitty articles until 3 in Iht: mom- ing. . Anya Cleaver, sophmorc, w ill be shaving the side of her head while speaking in a northern Brit- ish accent. The talented group ofstudents is expected to win the hearts of millions or else be put to death, Augsburg’s Got Talent will premiere April 23. Hulu attempts to put happiness back in the hands of internet users everywhere IARED SUNDVALL ———Co .[ Hulu executives announced this week that they will be releas- ing a new line of subscriptions to the public in the next month in another effort to make a person '5 TV watching experience less of a hassle. For the past eight months, Hulu executives have been ask- ing the question. “What can we do to make people subscribe to Hulu Plus?" The answer originally triggered eight-day delays on new television show episodes. Despite a flow of new subscribers follow- ing the new delays, Hulu execu- tives still weren't satisfied. The company's CEO, Jason Kilar, said that by implementing three new subscriptions to the site they are ultimately “offering the public more of what they want in one place." The addition of these new sub- scriptions means more limitations for Hulu‘s “free” users. “Those who don’t subscribe to one ofour four subscriptions can expect one month delays on the release of new TV show episodes as well as two minute long commercial interrup- tions." said Kilar. The new subscriptions, Hulu Plus Premium, Hulu Plus Ulti- mate, and Hulu Plus Ultimate Pre- mium, each ofler something new to both the site and to subscribers. Monthly rates have not yet been released. Hulu Plus Premium users will have access to television epiv sodes from the current season of a show as well as next day episode updates. They may also expect shorter, 15 second commercial interruptions. Hulu Plus Ultimate users will have access to television episodes from all ofa show‘s seasons as well as same-night episode up- dates and IO second commercial interruptions. Hulu Plus Ultimate Premium will only be available to users l8 years of age or older (21 in some states). They may expect access to television episodes from all of a show's seasons as well as same night episode updates with no commercial interruptions. Suh- scribers will also have access to an extensive array ot‘Hulu lixclusivc adult films. “We wanted to olfcr our sub- scribers all ofthe things we like to watch onlinc," said Andy Forsscll. Senior Vice President ol'Conlent, Will Ameti, the company's spokesperson, admitted his ex- crtement for the new subscription packages. "I personally plan on subscribing to Hulu Plus Ultimate Premium," said Arnelt. “You know. so I don‘t get interrupted by any ads just when things start to warm up." i Show less
Page (3 Variety Minneapolis, Minnesota Augsburg’s Most Eligible Bachelor, Adam Spanier, is on the prowl KATHLEEN WATSON Mania thltt’hfllakL‘t‘ That‘s right, folks. Adam Spa- nier. Augsburg's #l Heartthrob. has requested that the Libido run a “single and ready to mingle“ ad in his favor. Set to... Show morePage (3 Variety Minneapolis, Minnesota Augsburg’s Most Eligible Bachelor, Adam Spanier, is on the prowl KATHLEEN WATSON Mania thltt’hfllakL‘t‘ That‘s right, folks. Adam Spa- nier. Augsburg's #l Heartthrob. has requested that the Libido run a “single and ready to mingle“ ad in his favor. Set to graduate in May. Spanier has high hopes that this ad will help him achieve the one thing he has yet to experience at Augsburgilove. Adam Spanier came to Augs- burg with high hopes of “finding the right woman to tuck me in at night." Underneath his steely exterior lies a man who's dying to be loved. Spanier says. “my perfect Why Lady Gaga KESANG OLSEN Managing Editor Lady Gaga was named the second most powerful musician in the world, and let me tell you. this natural beauty with a voice of gold wasn't simply handed fame. Gaga had countless struggles in life before she became the idol that she is today. and for that, along With equivocal music straight from her lightning bolt soul. Lady the (iaga is deservedly our nation's idol. lfyou didn'tsec”/\ Very Gaga 'l'hanksgning" you missed the main eyent of last season. Lady Gaga was in her prime. imniiig the piano in an extrinagnnt. medicyal style dining hall at her old high sclttml. lhe highlight ol the turkey special was when (iiiga cordially ptitiscil lroni tleiiionstrtiting her woman would sip tea and chuckle about cinema with me until the wee hours of the morning. She would help me reform my party- animal ways and help me focus on the true things in life. like puppies and sunshine." Spanier is the ultimate man; when he's not “bringing home the bacon,“ he likes to pet furry animals and snuggle with anyone who looks like they “need a little lovin‘." He also is playing with the idea of becoming a complete vegetarian because “real men eat their vegetables." Spanier has almost given up all hope of finding the one before he completes his undergraduate soulful talent on the piano to divulge a highly engrossing and monumental secret. Gaga gracefully pointed to a nonspecific area of the resplen- dently posh, gothic-esque banquet quarters, or what was her “cafete- ria," and revealed to the audience that she “and her friends used to sit right over there." Gaga’s ability to open up and share her personal life to the gener- al public despite her mind»blowing status is beyond heart-warming. After this. the selfiess queen of pop mesmerized her audience with a transcendental piece about th' enigmatic concept of the "‘ti’cedoni‘ol‘her‘hair' ~Thesong began wtth the lyric. whenever I dress cool‘ my parents put up a light. and if I'm a hotshot. Mont will cut hair at night." and con- tinned with "and | ant you to know, I am my hair." Gaga claims education. Kathleen Watson‘s in- cessant attempts to pimp him out in each Weekly Honors Email have been absolutely futile. Spanier notes, “I was originally hoping to pull from the Honors pool because it would almost guarantee that our offspring would be brilliant, but I‘m thinking the Honors girls are just too dumb to notice a hot slice like me standing in front ofthem." You may be asking yourself why such a catch has gone...un- caughtmfor the past four years. Spanier blames his good looks. "With hair like mine, any girl on my arm would be self-conscious." He then went further, saying “I’ve been known to get up in the morn» ing looking absolutely perfect. and that tends to intimidate the ladies." Also, Spanier's “do-good" attitude tends to make women feel like they aren‘t as good as him. He recalls a particularly touching moment where “I helped Nathan Johnson finish his Jimmy Johns because I wanted to spare him the calories." Through actions like these. Spanier shows that he truly cares about everyone, especially Nathan. Rumor on the street is that Spanier will be the next contestant on The Birdie/m- ifhe doesn‘t get engaged by graduation. He regrets not going to Bethe]. \\ here the school slogan is “ring by spring," He looks back regretfully. asking himself. "why did I ha\ c to choose a progressit e college \y here \\ om- cn think for themselves and don‘t need a man to do it‘? I should have said ‘no‘ to diversity and inclusive» ncss once and for all and chosen a school that guarantees to find a mate for me." But Spanier is willing to wait for truc love. He hopes he doesn‘t have to settle down with any “skanky-ass hos \\ ho will ruin my shot at becoming the President of the United States." KACIE LUCCHINI #1 Fun Boyd Koehler's new book Memo Muzzles Some — But No! All: Boyd Koch/er opens up about love, lust, and life as America Is Sexiest Librarian has caused a stir among book reviewers and enthusiasts. The novel, poignantly writ- ten and engaging, tells a herald- ing account of Boyd Koehler's life before and since he was named America's Sexiest Li- brarian in 20l0. “You know, the announce- ment changed everything." he said. “I went from being locally famous to internationally known in the blink ofan eye." Koehler shares the secret struggles ofdealing with all the fame thrust upon him including jealousy and envy from the other nominees he works with. Jane Ann Nelson and Mike Bloomberg were also on the “short list" of nominees Koe— Book by America’s Sexiest Librarian up for national awards hler‘s co-worker Bill Witten- breer won America‘s Sexiest Librarian in 2000. “I think Bill and l have re- ally bonded over this," Koehler said. Koehler also focuses on his life before fame. Working as a librarian for years, he shares the “dirty details" sunounding the scandalous life of Augsburg librarians. “It’s not all books and databases,” Koehler said. “It's drugs, alcohol, and sex between the stacks." Koehler hopes that by open- ing up, he can put to rest some of the rumors flying around about his life He addresses his wife, his scandalous love triangle in the 80’s and his years as a model. Memo Muzzles Some — But Not All: Boyd Koch/er opens up about love. lust, and Ii 6 a: Americak Sexiest Librarian is nominated for the Pulitzer Prize and the National Book Award. should be everyone’s idol in the song that she indeed is “not a freak" and that she “must keep fighting to stay cool on the streets." Gaga then, with a plethora of symbolic wigs upon her head, went on to speak about her inspiration for the profound lyrics. Gaga re- vealed that she “used to get made fun of" because her “mom used to do her hair every day in the mom- ing." and Gaga “really looked up to" her mother. Gaga continued to describe this trivial time in her life: “I would sometimes be studying for Latin or French with my textbook out and I'd he blow drying my hair until like one in the morning. l'd come to school and my friends would say "why is your hair so nice‘.’ It's an all-girls school. You don't need to look so nice for class'."' she confessed. Then Gaga delved right into the core of the dilemma and dis» closed how difficult the experience really was for her. “It really. really was hard to just kind of admit, well. I want to be like my mom. 1 don‘t want to be like you. I want to be like my mother. And now my hair means so much to me. 1 mean, 1 must have hundreds of wigs." It is this Thanksgiving special that exemplifies Gaga‘s value as an American paragon. Not only was Gaga condemned for her perfect hair that she would literally blow dry until the wee hours of the morning. but she actually has been called "weird" behind her back. Despite these horrific struggles. Gaga isn't afraid to be who she truly is and encourage others to do the same. in addition to showmg people that anyone can achietc great things despite having a hard life. Gaga has made her mark in an army of arenas. While in public. she otten camcs a purple teacup and saucer, and she was once cited by Chicago police for indecent exposure as she strolled by in hot pants. Gaga went to high school with Nikki and Paris Hilton. ap- peared on the MTV show Bail- ing Paints. dyed her hair blonde because she was once confused with Amy Winehouse. and has refused to leave her room without full makeup. [fall of that doesn't legitimize her fame. I‘m not sure who deserves celebrity status. After all, Gaga has more Face- book fans than President Obama. Clearly. Gaga is doing more for our society than any goyemmen- tal official could ever dream of. I don't think there is anyone that can make saitdtviches and murder sex symbols quite as \‘\ ell as Gaga. What more could a fan ask for? Show less
' I3. 2012 Minnesota I. r Page 5 People Bilchin’ Letters to the Editor "P'0bab'e" Cause My name is Tammy Schmee, I am 86 years young, an Augsburg graduate, and I think that the Augsburg Libido should involve more cat-related content. The feline soul is a gentle soul, full of love and caring, and... Show more' I3. 2012 Minnesota I. r Page 5 People Bilchin’ Letters to the Editor "P'0bab'e" Cause My name is Tammy Schmee, I am 86 years young, an Augsburg graduate, and I think that the Augsburg Libido should involve more cat-related content. The feline soul is a gentle soul, full of love and caring, and they de- serve more airtime among the college press. (Of course I will also be notifying KAUG, those dog-loving bastards.) My darling Commodore Nathanial Whiskers Bottom Phart recently passed on, and this has brought to light the necessity of more kitten-y things around the campus that gave me so much, including, but not limited to, chlamydia before it got cool. I am a regular contributor to the college. and I demand that my donations be used solely for the purpose of cat-ifying the campus. (Especially since it’s springtime and that was the Commodore’s favourite season.) I miss him so much. Meow. I love the Augsburg Libido! It is my first stop for news, art infonna- tion, educated opinion, and asinine commentary on privileged College life. Honestly, there is no better source for me when I’m trying to find something to read on the crapper, and reading the Libido literally irritates theshit out of me. Best laxative ever. If I could have Inyclmioeinflremann',which I‘m hoping this letter will push forth, I would include more insight into the tragic lives of the upper-middle class students dancing the halls of this hallowed institution. So, to reiterate: more please! From the desk of General Sir Rod Rodson, Esquire; I am writing to you to complain about things that are complain- able. I believe it is my unalienable right as an American lad to be an absolute ass-stain in the shorts that is this great country and whine about everything, so here goes: My wife doesn't love me; the grass grows too fast; something about the liberal elite media. In any case, my main point is America. Speaking from fire Furry population of Augsburg, 1 would like to make a note that we are not all as peculiar as we may seem. We eat, we drink. we bleed, we dressin pink velour and have tantric sex. Normal stuff, So, editor, it seems you have an entire population to appease and represent, and that which you have previously ignored is no longer ignorable. We are peopldanimals too! To put it simply, the ignorance of your newspaper to the Furry population of this fine educational facility is atrocious and the people of Augsburg and the readers of the Libido will take it no more. Dear Libido Readers, I am writing this from prison. I, Kathleen Watson, was arrested last night for public indecency, and I DEMAND that the Augsburg community rise up as a whole to contest this highly unjust situation, You see, I'm in jail because I am an ARTIST. I perform 'ART. Sometimes, I make GOOD an. Sometimes, I make BAD art. But regardless of the quality of the art, it still should be allowed to take place. Anything other than complete freedom is CENSORSHIP. (I know how riled up y‘all got about intcmet censorship, so you better have my back.) It all started when I wanted to create adramatic movement piece that was a testament to my relationship with Mother Earth. I prepared my BODY, MIND, and SOUL for months in order to be able to firlly celebrate the BOUNTY OF THE MOTHER, I carefully chose a location where I most strongly felt NATURE’S ORGASMIC VIBRATIONS. And then I performed. Apparently, it is illegal to dance in the buffwhile blasting Dr. Dre’s “Bitches Ain’t Shit." Apparently, it is even more il- legal to do so in the Quad of Augsburg College. Apparently, all you dumbasses don’t know good art when you see it. DPS was immediately called to the scene where they tried to subdue my raging body. My battle cries of “HAVE A HEART, LOVE NUDE ART" and “OCCUPY MY FLESH" were stifled as they pepper-sprayed me in the face and stomped out my glory with their proverbial boot of fascism. Afier twenty minutes of shivering outside while buck»ass naked, I was finally taken into a holding cell in the basement _ of Poss (they call those classrooms, but we know what they REALLY are) where we awaited the arrival of the Minneapolis Police. I calmly explained my story, saying “you would think I was hot if you were as drunk as I am right now.” Apparently, admitting your level of intoxication to the police is frowned upon, for I was immediately carted off to jail. Here I lie, listening to my cellmate burp “Ave Maria" and lament the times gone by when she, too, was an Augsburg stu- dent At night, she cries out Doug Green‘s infamous American Drama line, “I HAVE TASTED MY MENSTRUAL BLOOD." It scares me, dear Augsburg community. It scares me. I'm writing to you in hopes that JUSTICE will rain down upon the legal system of the Sin Cities, I‘m writing to you in hopes that someone will come break me out of this shit hole so I can walk across the stage in three weeks and get that damn piece of paper that will get me a $0.50 raise at my pathetic hourly job. I’m writing to you in hopes that someone believes in ART FOR ART‘S SAKE or F‘CK THE POLICE or any other phrase that sounds tough and deep. I‘ll be back, Augsburg. No one will be able to keep this beast tamed. l STAND IN SOLIDARITY. Kathleen Watson mi 6. immoral in this it?“ led & (097, MM Souncls ml QClianS 935ml :5 E o :5 E 25 .9 4.) e .s: s '5 E 5 Su Musing.» n. Punt-.1). la Kf‘, The Department of Pub- lic Safety desires to keep the Augsburg College com- munity informed regarding the exemplary work of its staff over the past week. We want to take this opportunity to pat ourselves on the back for being masters of our own little universe. Monday, April 9 2012: At 0330, dispatch received a complaint of a masked man leaping from building to building and periodically perching from the roofiops. The complainant further speculated that the masked man was conducting some type of surveillance over the campus grounds. Officers responded and located the masked man in the Quad in the process of apprehending three generic criminals. Not to be outdone, and by way of thanks, officers also arrested the masked man for vigilantism. The ofiicers were issued departmental commendations for their actions. Unfortu- nately, President Pribbenow received a scathing complaint from Commissioner Gordon. The status of this complaint is still pending as of print date. Tuesday, April 10 2012: At I700, dispatch received a call from a concerned student stating that there was a small protest occurring in the East Commons of Christensen Center. The concerned stu- dent went on to state that it was due to a perceived lack of options from A’viands food service. Officers responded and spoke with the small group of protesting students. The officers decided to “inves» tigate" the situation further to determine whether the complaint had merit. Afier sampling the variety of food offered, the officers dispersed the crowd and stated that the complaint was unfounded. The official investigation concluded that all the food was deemed edible and tasty 7 especially the pastries, bars, and cookies. Wednesday, April 11 2012: At 1000, the Depart- ment of Public Safety’s Face- book page was inundated with feedback from a post regarding a lack of ample living space in the residence halls. This sparked a unprecv edentcd amount of “likes” and "shares" from members of the Augsburg College community. An emergency command center was created and the situation was assessed. The response was a purchase of 2,000 copies of The Sims with a note attached urging residents to virtually create The DepartmentofPublicSafetyColumn the home of their dreams. At the time of print, the video game witnessed a marked uptick in “likes” and “shares” from the Augsburg College community. The master stroke, ob- serving the age-old adage “the squeaky wheel gets the grease" led to the Department ofPublic Safety executing an eviction of the Luther Hall resident hall director and pro- vided the room to the student that posted the complaint on the Department of Public Safety Facebook page. Thursday. April 12 2012: At 1900, the officers of the Department of Public Safety launched an offshoot Face- book page entitled "Pigs Like Us.” Going door to door officers handed out fly- ers urging the student body to “like” their page and join the revolution against Mister Jones. There is some conten— tion between the officers upon whom will play the part of Old Major, Napoleon, Snowball, and Squealer, The officers seem to have an affin- ity to playing the role of the vicious attack dogs, used by Napoleon as his secret police. _ The ofiicers are hoping for some volunteers to play these critical roles within the “Pigs Like Us” group. Please post on the Facebook page if you are willing to volunteer for any of these roles (please note, I have claimed the role of the equine Boxer, you may not volunteer for this role). Please consider join- ing this important outreach group to the community and remember “four legs good, two legs better.“ All individuals refer- enced either real or fictional are considered guilty un- til proven innocent. Any defamation claims from this article are likely true and will be categorically ignored. The Department of Public Safety was thrilled to participate in this satire issuc ol‘thc Echo. Next week, we will be to- cusing on the details of the Riverside Avenue construc- tion project and actions that can be taken to minimize the impact on each of you. Stay Safe! James Shropshire (Have a quesliun [0r Public Safety or a topic you would like address-ed in this col- umn.’ Please contact Jamar Shropshire a! .i'hmprhifa, augrburg.edu to submiiynur inquiry.) Show less
Page 4 Minneapolis, Minnesota Opinions/Editorials We like you. Like us ioo. focebook.com/AugsburgEcho mom Wflfififl If you sign a Lease before Sept. 15th 2012 and mention this ad you will be entered into a drawing to win one of 3 Free Kindle Fires and $55 to fill it with Textbooks, Apps, Movies, and... Show morePage 4 Minneapolis, Minnesota Opinions/Editorials We like you. Like us ioo. focebook.com/AugsburgEcho mom Wflfififl If you sign a Lease before Sept. 15th 2012 and mention this ad you will be entered into a drawing to win one of 3 Free Kindle Fires and $55 to fill it with Textbooks, Apps, Movies, and Music. Cedars 94 Apartments Hoy,_y,,gy¢ould'you like to live off _ H. ’ .campusandsfiillwalktoclasfl “l i it“ t"! till it, um, Wejji ave more amen‘lties than it Call Today Andrew argues like an old man... Correcting Augsburg’s mistakes ANDREW Fox Grandpa Satire As I‘m sure you are all aware there have been many changes on this campus this year, Some of these changes were for the better. and as l have pointed out, quite enthusiastically, some for worse. The most recent change has been the latest construction campaign that the college launched just this month. This series ofconstruction projects was made possible by a generous gift from an anonymous donor as well as numerous dona- tions from the graduating senior class. The construction project is entitled the CAMpus initiative: Correcting Augsburg's Mistakes. The project was begun after the Pribbenow, the deans, as well as other members ofthc administra- tion realized that they had made major mistakes with a number of this past year‘s construction projects on campus For one. the Gage Center for Student success. “I really don't know what we were thinking there," said Amy Gort, the Assistant Vice President and Dean. “Flopping that right in the middle of the library wasn‘t good for the library, or the CLASS office, or any other of the organizations housed in the Gage Center." The initiative plans to move the CLASS office as well as the other groups currently in the Gage Center into a new space, get rid of the compact shelving in the library basement, build a separate building forAdmissions, and begin preliminary construction on the Center for Science, Business, and Religion, The college certainly is be- ing a little wishy-washy. doing a bunch of construction projects and then undoing them, but at least they are recognizing the fact that not all construction projects are good ones. As fun as boasting about new construction projects is to prospective students and alumni, it’s not quite as exciting when the construction projects are crap (or when they haven‘t even been started yet, in the case of the CSBR). It‘s true, our construction projects are not quite as exciting as St, Thomas‘s. I have to say that I am thrilled with the CAMpus initiative. Augs- burg has done a lot of terrible things to the campus this year — and this will fix some ofthe bigger mistakes. Yes, it would have been better if Augsburg hadn’t made the mistakes in the first place, but at least now they are fixing them, Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to fixing it. Although the program is very ambitious I feel confident that they will be able to accomplish their goals. The CAMpus initiative does encompass a large number of projects but as long as the ad— ministration pushes as hard as they did to make the mistakes in the first place, then the CAMpus initiative will be finished in no time! Can we just nuke the world and get it over with? OLIVER Dmrnsno ‘Mercari America. It’s time to talk‘ The time has come to nuke everybody. I mean come on, why do we have all these nukes if we don‘t use any of them? Like the wise per- son from somewhere exotic once said, “The best offense is a good defense. And the best defense is a good offense." The world is a dangerous, jealous place. Terrorists are en- croaching from every direction. Our enemies are spreading nuclear weaponry in every direction and the United States is sooner or later going to be on the receiving end ofa nuclear attack. So let‘s strike first! Before our enemies have the chance to! As the Great George W Bush once said. “Our security will rc— quirc all Americans to be forward- looking and resolute, to be ready for preemptive action." There is no doubt that he was speaking true. We must make a preemptive nuclear strikc on the rest of the world. All ofit. First we should nukc the south. Let‘s start with Africa. Of the 2,000 nukes the US. has rcady to go. I figure we czin send 100 across Africa. If nothing else this will confuse the other nuclear armed countries across the world, They‘ll be sitting dumbfounded as we rain our hellfire across the world, After that “'6 should send 200 across South America at the some umc we bombard Europe with an» other 400 or so. That leaves [,200 for China. Russia. and Australia. Nmi Iknou what you‘re my ing. “That’s only [,900 nuke " Well duh, The extra hundred arc to he used on ourscltcs. You thought I was kidding did you'.’ No. It's time to nukc the entire world, The only way to ensure the survival and dominance ofth great American way oflii'c is to nuke everybody else while wejump in some bunkers until the nuclear winter passes! I mean really, At this point if we don‘t use the even a few nukes the rest of the world will think were wimps. We've been riding the high of Hiroshima for far too long. If we don't use some more nukes soon the world will think we're full of shit! To much time has been spent talking the talk but not walking the walk! You know as well as I do that a threat without teeth is no threat lluiv m ,H m, \\ w M \l1‘ll l at all. in fact it's much worse! A threat may serve as a deterrent, but if it isn't carried out it really only counts as a com fort to our enemies. This begs the question, can the possession of nuclear weapons be looked at as anything other than a threat? prossession is a threat, then what does possession without action count as? Pussyfooting. that’s what. A Show less
Friday, April 13, 2012 Minneapolis, Minnesota Page 3 Sports Augsburg Baseball's first annual moustache series PAUL HALLGRBN . Spells Liked Brit It’s every college girls dream — a day at the park watching their favorite moustachioed men play baseball. Now imagine a ball field full of ‘em; best... Show moreFriday, April 13, 2012 Minneapolis, Minnesota Page 3 Sports Augsburg Baseball's first annual moustache series PAUL HALLGRBN . Spells Liked Brit It’s every college girls dream — a day at the park watching their favorite moustachioed men play baseball. Now imagine a ball field full of ‘em; best Saturday ever, right? Well, your wish is soon to be granted. Tomorrow afiemoon at Parade Stadium, the Augsburg baseball team will have its first annual moustache series during its doubleheader versus Concordia- Moorhead. The squad has blasted off to a strong start this season, boasting an overall record of 19-8 and 5—3 in conference play. The team intends that Satur— day‘s series serve as something of a fan appreciation day, and any- body interested in sporting a lip tickler is encouraged to do so, In fact, there willbe a best moustache contest between games, and the fan with the most impressive flavor saver. real or artificial. will receive a fifieen dollar gifi certificate to a nearby restaurant (spoiler alert 7 99% chance it‘s to Davanni‘s). “I'm looking forward to see- ing the most creative Rollie Fin- gers out there." said catcher Zach Pavlisick. Pavlisick, a junior, is well-known around campus for his facial hair accomplishments, rang ing from some simple handlebars to his own adaptation of mutton chops that included a lengthy ‘stache. Unfortunately, not everybody on the Auggie baseball squad is as gifted as Pavlisick when it comes to growing a good cookie duster. Sophomore shortstop Adam Carl and first year pitcher Ryan Mestnik have been anticipating the upcom- ing series for a number of weeks now but have little to show for it. “You can‘t teach a good mous- tache," said senior pitcher Adam Langer regarding his lackluster teammates. “You can put as much time and preparation into it as you want. but ifit’s not there, it's not there." For those searching for an ideal moustache model. look no further than the team's senior captain Adam Seaman. A veteran when it comes to growing cater— pillars on his upper lip. Seaman has been doing his best to provide leadership and serve as an example to younger players getting in their first cuts with the razor, For those who are self-con- scious about light-colored mous- taches, you have options. Tim Gerding, the Auggies‘ senior centerfielder, has been known to use Just for Men to make his facial hair more distinct for team pictures Word on the street is that he will be going with ajet black fu manchu tomorrow aflemoon. If you need any help deciding on the best coloring for you, he is more than happy to be of assistance. In addition to wearing mous- taches on Saturday, the team was hoping to make some extra uniform modifications. For some time, the squad planned on wear- ing their throwback vest jersey tops with no undershirt and buttons optional, allowing for maximum fiaunting of chest hair and/or gold chains. Head Coach Keith Bate- man put the kabosh on that idea. however, stating that the mous- taches alone are ambitious enough for most ofhis players. Despite this small Ietdoun. the Auggie baseball team IS yery excited for tomorrow‘s double, header. The players look forward to seeing full stands at l pm, for the first pitch of what should be one epic afternoon. Augsburg to tighten academic requirements for athletes PAUL HALLGREN His Lip Hair]: Longer Than His Normal Hair In order to combat the “dumb jock" stereotype, Augsburg has taken it upon itself to prove to the world that college athletes are just as smart as everyone else. Beginning in fall of 2012, Augsburg will increase its mini- mum GPA requirement for athletic eligibility from 20 all the way up to 3.0, or as one school ofiicial stated. “from ineptitude to respect- ability." The jump will no doubt come as a shock to many student ath- letes, who flock to the ranks of college sports in hopes of con» tinuing their careers while tutors or other snidents complete their assignments; it isn‘t until later that they realize the difference between a DShow less
PageZ News Minneapolis, Minnesota Lil Wayne joins the Feminist Collective at Augsburg ‘ ABENI HILL A Woman, NotA lady Lil Wayne will visit Augsburg in the coming fall to participate in the Feminist Collective. He plans to share his poetic insights on the female anatomy, “Lil Wayne knows his way... Show morePageZ News Minneapolis, Minnesota Lil Wayne joins the Feminist Collective at Augsburg ‘ ABENI HILL A Woman, NotA lady Lil Wayne will visit Augsburg in the coming fall to participate in the Feminist Collective. He plans to share his poetic insights on the female anatomy, “Lil Wayne knows his way around a woman." said an ecstatic female Augsburg strident. "I mean have you ever listened to ‘Lolli- pop.‘ That man has taught me the \ionders of my own body." Lil Wayne is more than happy to welcome his female fan base at Augsburg. “Kisses to all my bitches.“ said Weezy, Girlish squeals and giggles and whispers of "Weezy is cont- ing to Augsburg" can be heard throughout Augsburg campus. Augsburg students have been get~ ting into the spirit by calling each other “bitch” and "whore." “I feel like it brings female bonding to a whole new level.“ said a Lil Wayne fan wearing a homemade T-shirt that said “Weezy‘s wife." "In the context Lil Wayne‘s uses these words I mean they are practically terms of endearment." One of the Women's Stud- ies Department chairs said, “We thought bringing Lil Wayne to Augsburg was a perfect way to engage the students, Rap.music speaks the mind of all young people," Lil Wayne will hold a special seminar on “How to Love." The seminar will help Augsburg men show that special lady how they really feel, “One of the main focuses of my program will be the proper way to describe a girl's rack," said Lil Wayne, “Every woman wants to hear how much her cookies mean to you.“ Weezy has been giving this seminar all over the country. “I never knew how to love a girl before l attended Lil Wayne‘s seminar. I was just a geek with no game." said a grateful male Stanford University student. “Now I‘m pimpin‘ with two girls on each arm." Lil Wayne will also discuss his ne\\ book Teach me how Io Freak during his visit. It is a sex education book for women filled with instructional diagrams and recommended sex toys to please any man. “The exercises and stretches in my book will allow any woman to let out her inner freak," said Lil Wayne. “I want women to know they don't have to be ladies to be sexy,“ E—mail — echo@aug,sburg.edu Phone — ((112) 330-1102 reflect those OfIILl‘ ,r slafi', of the students. subject in revision. appropriate. Augsburg College Echo Spring 2012 Stall? Editor-in-Chief Becca Andersen Josh Jones News Editor Abeni Hill Managing Editor Kesang Olsen Sporg Editor Paul Hallgren Mina Halling Slpinions Editor Anya Cleaver Web ‘ A s M n Fia Goldfine ABLE iror Kathleen Watson faculty Adviser Boyd Koehler my; Kacie Lucchini 731 let Avenue S. CB 148 Minneapolis, Minnesota 55454 The Augsburg Echo is published each Friday — except during vacation periods and holidays * hy the students ofAugsburg College. Opinions expressed in the Echo are those of the authors and do not necessarily The Echo does not necessarily promote the products or services it advertises. Advertisements can be placed in the Echo by contacting the advertising manager. Submissions are welcome and can be sent to echoniiaugsburgedu. All submis- stons should be between 500-700 words and accompanied by the writer's name and contact lntorrnatton. All submissions become the property Offlle Echo and are The Echo reserves the rile to edit submitted material because of space limita- tions, repetltlve subject matter. libelous conlent or any other reason the editors deem Printed by Print Group Midwest on recycled paper. Tips — echorips@grnail.com Fax — (612) 330-1666 or the faculty. ' "We want thicker toilet paper and we want it now" IENN'Y Pour-ran My: Quilted Northern Shouts and screams could be heard from the Quad on Thursday when 600 students and faculty gathered in a boisterous crowd. From across campus and even in some locations across the river, shouts of “we want thicker toilet paper and we want it now“ could be heard. All 600 screaming partici- pants wore white T»shirts to show united support for the cause. What is this all about? “Well you see, the toilet paper here is totally thin," explained one protes- tor. “lfyou hold it up to the light, you can practically see through it." Participants in the riot took turns holding economy-sized rolls of toilet paper from the various bathrooms on campus and lighting them on fire. “We are the 99%!" said an enraged student. “The TP should be like 99 times thicker, we mean.“ Thursday's crowds used the leftover toilet paper to TP the trees of Murphy Square. “It‘s easier for men who just need to piss." whined a menstruat- ing girl who takes the thin toilet paper as an attack against women. “But us ladies really need to have satisfactory wiping tools, okay? God." Some have suggested that there should be an organized boy- cotting of Augsburg ’5 toilet tissue. When asked about the possible boycott, the menstruating girl was in full support of the efforts. “We will show them. We will walk around in our poop-smeared underpants and people will start to smell what we mean. How are we supposed to effectively clean our- selves when it takes about 3,000 squares to do the job? This protest, I think, would illustrate our point,” she said. “We want change and we want it now." Environmentalist groups on campus are conflicted on the issue. “In some ways, this movement will be detrimental to vital earth ecosystems," said a resident hip- pie. “Thicker toilet paper means more dead trees, right?“ According to Wikipedia, Augsburg's most frequently used academic source, the average tree produces [00 pounds of toilet paper, the average American con- suming 50 pounds of toilet tissue a year. “In two years, we wipe with a whole tree." observed Captain Obvious. one of the numerous protestors. “Adding to the thickness of the tissue would be overall harmful to the environment," continued the resident hippie. “but then again. don‘t we use more squares ofthis thin stuff in order to make up for the lack of thickness?“ Many faculty members were also seen protesting, saying that the quality of the tissue is not any better in Memorial Hall. Students and professors shared bonding mo- ments as they together held signs that read “CHANGE STARTS WITH A ROLL" and “I AM ACTUALLY AFRAID T0 POOP HERE." So far the college’s Board of Directors has been unavailable to be reached for comment. It’s not just the current stu- dents and staff who are upset over the issue, however. Preliminary research has shown that admission rates would increase proportion- ately to an increase in the thickness of toilet tissue. “I could write my memoirs on this paper,” comments one Auggie Dad. “It’s obvious that this toilet tissue is a serious issue." “I’ve had countless prospec- tive students ask me where the bathroom is," whispered one anonymous Admissions coun- selor. “and I‘m almost afraid to tell them," she said. acknowledging the campus—wide problem. The protesters have said that they will stop the papery madness with even a slight improvement response from the college. “Even two»ply paper." adds one exasper- ated student. State-of-the-art Water Park will cost students but is "no skin off anybody’s back” CALEB WAGNER Stafl Writer Augsburg College is proud to announce that development is un- derway to construct our very own water park facility! The idea has been discussed for several months now and, afier much administra- tive deliberation, the project has finally received the go ahead and contractors, technicians and archi- tects have been contacted to begin laying out official blueprints and plan the upcoming construction. The Paul Pribbenow Water Park will be a beautiful pool com- plex, located in the space between the Um-Mort towers that is cur; rently‘devoted to student parking, The facility will include wave pools, saunas, hot tubs and an exciting variety ofwater slides. MPIRG is proud to announce that the water park will be built us- ing state-of-the-an technology to ensure that the entire facility will be run using environmentally sus- tainable energy, utilizing recycled materials and solar power to create an amusement complex that has almost no carbon footprint. The park is slated to be com- pleted by the summerof20l 5 and plans are already underway for a grand opening alumni fundraiser in July of that year. Alumni from the past 30 years are already being contacted with invites to this exclusive event, where they will be able to relax in the newly finished water park; catching up with old classmates and learning about exciting new opportunities to donate money to Augsburg for further community improvements. Shortly afier the grand open- ing the facility will be used during summer sessions for prospective students, providing an exciting opportunity for recent high school graduates to experience what col- lege life is like at Augsburg. During the school year the Paul Pribbenow Water Park will be the location for many exciting events. A new community outreach program is already being devel- oped which will make the wate park available (free of charge) to members of the Cedar-Riverside and Seward communities. Faculty and students are excited about the new lines of communication that will be opened between members of the Augsburg community and our neighbors in the city. In addition to providing a unique and exciting outreach tool, the Paul Pribbenow Water Park will be available to be rented out for private parties and events, pro- viding a good source of revenue for the college. For enrolled students. the facility will be open from 8 am. to 2 pm. Monday through Friday, serving as an affordable and eas- ily accessible place for students to relax and let off some steam during their rigorous academic schedule. A handful of students have expressed concern that the con- struction and operation of the facility will cause drastic increases in tuition and student fees. When questioned about the potential increases in cost for students, members of the administration insist that the financial affects on students will be minimal. While they are unable to give exact dollar amounts based on the fact that the project is still in the developmental stages, they insist that the financial ramifications will be minimal, es- pecially considering the immense benefits the facility will provide. Pribbenow stated that tuition would most likely increase slightly to accommodate the expenses surrounding the water park but insisted that, based on the fact that Augsburg's tuition was already slated to rise another two or three thousand dollars a year, “is no skin ofi" anybody‘s back.“ The student activity fee is also expected to be raised approximately $173 dollars per year, a small price to pay for having a state—of-the—art water park in one's backyard. Show less
Augsburg College Phil Adamo. last living member of the Illuminati, page 9 Augsburg’s most eligible . page 6 The Colleges Student- Produccd Newspaper Minneapolis, Minnesota Friday, April 13, 2012 Volume cxvni. twirl 1‘; In light of the passing oprril Fools Day, the Echo stafl is celebrating. as... Show moreAugsburg College Phil Adamo. last living member of the Illuminati, page 9 Augsburg’s most eligible . page 6 The Colleges Student- Produccd Newspaper Minneapolis, Minnesota Friday, April 13, 2012 Volume cxvni. twirl 1‘; In light of the passing oprril Fools Day, the Echo stafl is celebrating. as always. by providingyou with an edition ol'the Echo that is entirel i 1 tart ‘ft‘lll. . ll/ of the content in this issue, including quotes and citations, have been made up by the writers and editors, and nothing printed here should he lil/L’I'ltl't’lt’t/ as indicating the opinions of the Echo or the individual writers. With that said, today the Augsburg Echo is the Augsburg Libido. "Sex Llllt'tll'.\ .\L'l/\ ” as President Pribbenow said in this week is leading article, “Augsburg to buy Augie 's. "And lard knows nobody else is selling ain't/ting unit/nil hut-u Augsburg to buy Augie ’s KAcnzLuccm and 4 am. “It‘s basically seven kinds of ing it'll get you drunker than that Angie‘s w ill haw its grand HOT Toplas Girl Asststant to the Vice President booze and a splash ofsoda. We‘re Four Loko shit." said President re-opening June I. 2012. Augsburg announced last week that they have plans to buy Augie‘s, a “Bourbon Street Adult Cabaret" in downtown Minneapo« lis. The 5% raise in tuition next year. extremely high housing prices. and rumors of Barbara Farley dipping into depanment funds to aid in her secret scandal~ ous addiction (see pg. 14) have lefi students and faculty alike waiting for Augsburg’s impending finan- cial ruin. However, this new announce» ment has given some hope. “Sex always sells." said Presi- dent Pribbenow. "We are a little strapped for cash so we thought, why not? They‘re Augie‘s, we’re Auggies. Let's do the damn thing." Human Resources also announced that positions as exotic “dancers” will be available to students with work study. The job is currently posted on the HR page as “Aug(giie Dancer.” It is described as “fun. sexy, and totally Augsburg." However. the description does state that students must be available between 8 pm. Caren Custer said “We hope this really gets the Augsburg com- munity excited. And we know we have some talented young ladies out there.” Augsburg senior Colty Hinz loves the idea. “You gotta risk it for the biscuit,” he said. Theater Arts Professor David Deblieck will be helping with staging and design. Dance Team Coach Molly Dorsey will be help- ing instruct untrained girls on how to dance “the poles." However, not all departments are excited about this new pur- chase. The Women‘s Studies depart- ment said. “It is a disgusting repre- sentation of Augsburg's educated young women.“ To that President Pribbenow responded by saying. “Make me a sandwich.” Augsburg also plans to have drinks and specials specifically for students. Thursday will be 3-for-1 drinks and cover will always be free with your Augsburg student ID. Augie‘s. with creative help from A‘viands, also created a drink called “The Augsburg.” going to sell it to the kids by say- Pribbenow. Pribbenow announces plans lor Augsburg to buy Augie's in downtown Minneapolis. Kitty rhymes with titty, research shows IENNY Pmrnen Writes Poems About Cats Just when we thought we knew it all. earth-shattering evi- dence suggests a breakthrough in zoological linguistics, reports the Feline Studies Department at Augsburg. The soon-to-be published findings conclude that the word "kitty" very frequently rhymes with “titty.” "Meow." comments one of the associate professors. Dr. Se- bastian. “Meow purr. meow hiss meow“ Dr. Garfield. one of the lead researchers on this project. was una\ ailablc for an inteniew. but he sent us a cryptic message that looked as ifhe merely took a nap on a laptop keyboard "It is Just a language you‘ve never heard of." assures a student hipster lesbian who works for the Feline Studies Dcpanment. Ad- justing her oyersized glasses. she added. "Only a cat like that would notice that kitty could possibly rhyme with tiny.“ Research involyed extensiie inten'tews with students and fac- ulty from many departments on campus. including the English. Communications. and History dcpanments. The Feline Studies Depart- ment is located on the sunnicst window'sill in Memorial Hall A member of the custodial staff would like to add that “there isn‘t a single mouse to be found. now that the cats have moyed in “ Transfiguration Professor Minerva McGonagall gate the de- partmcnt 50 paints to Gryl‘findor in honor ofthe new discovery. almost ensuring a (irylfindor House ('up victory. yet again Paws. feline companion of Tanya Hartwig. Urness Hall Di— rector. is a frequent \oluntecr for the Feline Studies Department When reached for comment. Paw s rubbed her head on the leg of a coffee table and moodily saun- tered away. only confirming the outstanding importance of this research. The consequences of such a finding are said to alike! the entire curriculum atAugsburg. "The fact that titty rhymes with kitty enor- mously transforms our perception of \ocation.“ purrs Augsburg PreSident Paul Pribbenow. "We can expect that the Feline Studies Department Wlll havc Ll lot more respect tit udministrutn c meetings. and may perhaps cycn stun in lcatl tlicm r'sli’lnlng right mciiw " When asked what these new mL‘CllllgN “Ill look like. l)i Sc» hustian \tas \cry distracted by a \\l]IlC string on the carpet. but managed ll! say “Ml'l Hi)“ Vt "' in an understandably L‘lllllllxlllxllt tone it is expected that catniptinil w‘arni milk will be \UnL‘tl zit the meetings Luscr pointers \\i|l ht- uscd Indiscrimmatcly' tor cycryonu to chase With a larger role in the out- ltiok iifthc campus as it whole. the Feline Studies Department also hopes to employ gcndcr-ncutral litter boxes for slull‘and students alike More changes being pmr posed consist ofA'Hands only scrungtuna and Stcpl/‘piiicliiding catnip in their substance abuse program The Department expects to conduct further rescarth till the rhyming schemes pleats Other relationships being studied are the words "smitten" and "kitten" “pussy” and “pussy and finally. “paw s" and “bras " Show less
e Butt Page, AMIRIT ?! Friday, April 5, 2013 Page 8 From Augsburg's POSt has got some goddamn nice hair Filmy D'Inh'gflr In ~ mu- H. mm m numnvc on [I'm umpux Hclh munuwr. In hml m mu 100k annan wuhuut an: can'th your (\( mm 1W .....1 “my Ihn muck an Mmpmnon‘ we}: Imkmg .u Am“— men. md mum ... Show moree Butt Page, AMIRIT ?! Friday, April 5, 2013 Page 8 From Augsburg's POSt has got some goddamn nice hair Filmy D'Inh'gflr In ~ mu- H. mm m numnvc on [I'm umpux Hclh munuwr. In hml m mu 100k annan wuhuut an: can'th your (\( mm 1W .....1 “my Ihn muck an Mmpmnon‘ we}: Imkmg .u Am“— men. md mum ‘pnlfiodly. who r.- I}. kw mm 1h: umntr w Jar rh¢m< nothing mow Imam: m! wonderful dun m: “1p m mu l‘urkk mum. I'umL» lmks Art not um amumg Hwy "2 Imnmuhlc, Exh brown \url ‘hmts wuh 1h: \pflkk u! . [hull—lid Ill- ml h my uulur up mg hunts! Hum .lukm ash, \I'hu heaulv' Mm upkqu wt.“ llluslnmu \umbu‘: We hum num dunk (nu! Our gnvm hcuusc (he hmnut of Fund} Iqu Is what makn lunrns "kw. 0n: [)Imlion «n! Ind kcqu I‘rrndrm [‘nbhcnuw s how“: on “night, “In: us no quk ufdAndruffl hm been Jhl!‘ m I“. ha! I'm sun Panic“ umdmunmg rqumrn ofgnidrflukcd uxnluu walcv d’upped (mm Mm" mum I'm up pumivth 3km. [hc mum: nf rho: fnllule‘ ls (hlkk 1nd |u|cv. Pundl has anuliy “and l ‘mdll busnnn‘ wlllng the (III 5mm hi: M! m \clrhrlllc\ who wam 1h.“ grung: look. Mm Kn: Olsen uyx. “I nnlv do the quMhanc." Her usler Amity In)“: in duo nnl rncnc [hr rrmrmcm hcuuw, ht artful follu. I‘Jlmk u (know Hu-rr h‘n mwu hn-n ‘I murr wnmlcrml hmd nihalr. nor wxll lhrrt rver ht l‘alnxk Dukhmc the living kgmdofinm-m. In \mv wrfih Horwmqan vmdmnns Olaf Swnsson has mud? n hungr‘ model of PMS hm”? wt“ "Somehmes my head gets heavy wnh all this knowledge " Ana-va ; Dual 'c '0 MM» m'w " heaprr‘ dorm ophons \‘vv :uw nmzum qv ‘n 'htrc“ I Ion the b0 ,,Ol\d my $90th “mama...” Do: Ya ream bodgtv ems, Augsburg swam; MY now shorc a dam roman M '61” ’\\ \z' :c nu “car I '\:\( run on Show less
mostly just forts Friday, April 5, 2013 Page 7 Microsoft did a, thing! Dustin Riic_h§gl Desperado Microsoft decides to go old school on Sony Computer Entertainment with their official announcement of the Xbox 720 (code name LC). but some believe they have gone too far. After Sony's recent reveal... Show moremostly just forts Friday, April 5, 2013 Page 7 Microsoft did a, thing! Dustin Riic_h§gl Desperado Microsoft decides to go old school on Sony Computer Entertainment with their official announcement of the Xbox 720 (code name LC). but some believe they have gone too far. After Sony's recent reveal of the Play Station 4, Microsoft withdrew any information regarding the release of their new platform console After weeks ofanticipation news is finally circulating around this new audio» video system. The Xbox has always been geared toward war, but the 720 has decided to go in a different direction. After much deliberation the CEO of Microsoft said, "I want the gamer to really read into the stories, like. as if it's inside their head." The company has liquefied many of its assets and has cut ties with some ofits leading developers including Activision, Havoc, Namco and even Bungie for more idea—driven companies like Penguin Press. Scholastic and Barnes and Noble. “We really just don't care for all the violence,“ said the lead director of the platform, "we are really trying to move away from the whole loud industry, we want our console to he quiet—you know. like. shhhh. “ While many loyal fans ofMicrosoft are outraged, a lot of patrons are excited about the company's new agenda. One such enthusiast spoke out at the national conference say— ing, “I think what you are all doing is amazing. It's obviously for the children!" liven the spokesmen of Steam‘ the online download forum created by Valve. said that he really sees the potential of Microsoft‘s work. “I‘m not sure what these guys are on," he said after the E3 reveal, “but what— ever it is, it's something we should all be taking— its so liberal." While a lot of the hype around the system is boasting well for the Company. ihL'l'k' JTC malty g:ll‘1k'f\ who are feeling betrayed. One such gamer said, "I hav games, but this re. out ofit. I feel like I‘m working. I'm not gonna play this new system after school, I'll just watch a moviciif the game isn't going to fill in the gaps, then I'm sure as hell not go- ing to. Heck, I think I‘d rather go outside." In addition. the Nook is also showing outrage. Microsoft _ ys it realizes it‘s going to lose a lot ofits players, biit they are alright with tltat. lit order to make up for the pending deficits, they have already begun bargaining with the fed as wall as state and local governments to cover their pending shatt- lose 3 not a bailr out,“ said Microsoft's marketing director, “\Ve'rc just tired ofpuiting our ideas on hold." The new system will not feature any online support; instead, it is rcvc-rting back toward the handheld market. "Microsoft is periodically doing crazy things like this, but I guess they reserve the right," said Apple's head of the IvI’ad division. “just because people aren't ready for the future." said Microsoft CH). "docsni mean we aren't going to give it to them." The new \yslc‘m \\ill only lac‘ available in white. While some people are concerned that the sheer power ofthc- dcx icc- \\lll not [it into the small container, others lic‘lic'vc’ they are witnessing the limit of the imagination at \sork. In addition to the portability ofihc dct ice. (in: c‘oittpaiiy has decided It) move into the nonprofit sector. hach Xhox will bc‘ no larger than a small crc'dit care and \\ill be sold for from "I‘m ,5 H5 "lfc-\c '\ mic 0mm rim-x no telling “it” .iid onc- concerned patron. one can get lllc‘lr hands on could happen. \\‘c* am talking about real change!" 'lhe future may indeed he lic‘lc. 'lhe D20 is all about story ideas and learning. ill‘ic dc\ ic‘c’ \\ ill ha\c' ,lc‘cc’ss to a vaxt amount of movics, ltilhlc and other media depending on thc user's location. Microsoft says that etch card will be individually is- sued. For more information on lio\\ you cart check out the new system, please visit your local library and sign up for the Xbox "'20 Library Card today. EASE 3’“: A M MME’M (IRATE AUGSB UR? 90%.} Brianna “Poetry” Olson-Carr Those theater majors are at it again. What will it be this time? A drama set in a boat full of newspa- per? A one-person interpretive tap dance production of “The Tem» pest?” A chapel rooftop Hashmob using spoons to slap out the rhythm to “Thriftshop”? Those things are probably in the nor-too-distant future, bur no The Augsburg College Theater Department's spring musical is a brand new production full ofdano ing, singing and general family fun. “Case Day: The Musical," I knovt what you're thinking: "SHHH no- body officially knows abour Case Day even though it's very, very obvious and people make ('Shiru for it!" Or perhaps you’re thinking, “Wow, it must dangerous to drink an entire ease of anything, That‘s a lot of fluids." But just wait. World-famous director Seth MacFariane is direct‘ ing this brand new musical, based of? of the Auggie blog: “The Case for Case Dayi" Seth MacFarlane muled in an exclusch interview his pasion for “Case Day": “I saw Book of Mormon. okay, and I get it, I get now that I have to make musicals to be successful. No more B-Lisr movies, television programs or Oscar hosting, its musicals from here on out...or at least Tonys' host— ing. I felt a real affinity for the plight ofthe Auggie in “The Case for Case Day," you know. Also I thought it would be fun to add my own sick twist 7 as I usually do" Seth MacFarlane assisted in adapting the drunken bloggers' angry rants into a beautiful musical rampage. The unofficial Augsburg College Confessions page provided some of the script material. as did a Reddit session with MacFarlant‘. “Case Day: The Musical“ follows the story of two Auggies who “just wanna have fun...and maybe do some property damage," Colty and Lisa, played by Auggie's finest Sean Cravne and Maria Johnson. The two freshman meet on the first day of Auggie Days and the audience is taken into a magical journey through their incredibly inr teresting walks to class, eating in the Commons, smoking at the vent and scribbling away at their homework. Colty and Lisa finally hear about a mystical day called Case Day. They journey to the other side of campus to Luther Hall to find out what the confounding day could possibly be about. and the seniors tell them: it's a day when you don't go to class and watch your favorite crime case television show, while wearing a pillow case. while drinkv ing a case ofbeer. As many Auggies can predict. when Colty and Lisa join in on the Case Day activities. shit gets real. Sean Crayne spoke about the challenges of playing Colty: “It “as hard, you know, I can't really relate to the character. \X’hat is beet madc- out ofagain? Eggs?“ Maria Johnson had a slightly different take on her character. “I‘m a worldercnowncd beer pong champion, so taking a walk in Liza's shoes was much like taking a walk in...well let's just sa_\ we wear the same shoe size." Justin Caron plays Reeve, the Big Man on Campus senior football player who helps the two freshmen figure out Case Day, and eventually, their vocation. Caron comments- "I hate being type»cast, but hlac» Farlane is a real joy to work with. when he isn't constantly changing his mind or speaking to us through his teddy bear. We're all really sick of that shit." .SiEAi. m tit-E” m m mitt Show less